Men that buy a ring & don't propose

[BeachGirlG]

I've noticed this a few times...men buy their girlfriend an e-ring and don't propose for 6 months, 8 months...a YEAR!
And the worst offenders tease the gf by letting her occasionally see the ring and then take it away.
I can see buying an e-ring and waiting a few weeks for a holiday or vacation to make the proposal special...that seems like part of the overall plan. But the ones who buy the ring and leave the woman hanging...why? And why would a woman stay with a man that played her like that?

 

[SMC]

I've noticed this a few times...men buy their girlfriend an e-ring and don't propose for 6 months, 8 months...a YEAR!
And the worst offenders tease the gf by letting her occasionally see the ring and then take it away.
I can see buying an e-ring and waiting a few weeks for a holiday or vacation to make the proposal special...that seems like part of the overall plan. But the ones who buy the ring and leave the woman hanging...why? And why would a woman stay with a man that played her like that?

Haha, I'm in this camp. My boyfriend bought the diamond in January and the ring was finished by mid-March. It's now May and though I've seen the ring plenty of times, we're still not engaged. He keeps saying that he wants the proposal to be "special" but I just really want to be engaged! I think his plans have to do with a puppy that we're considering adopting though.

 

[StacylikesSparkles]

I've noticed this a few times...men buy their girlfriend an e-ring and don't propose for 6 months, 8 months...a YEAR!
And the worst offenders tease the gf by letting her occasionally see the ring and then take it away.
I can see buying an e-ring and waiting a few weeks for a holiday or vacation to make the proposal special...that seems like part of the overall plan. But the ones who buy the ring and leave the woman hanging...why? And why would a woman stay with a man that played her like that?

I have never really understood this trend either! Buy the ring, give it to her, be engaged. That's how it should be in my eyes! Not a freaking 6 month+ wait! My (now) DH got the ring a week earlier than expected and moved his proposal up a week so he could propose the very next day. He told me that there is no way he'd be able to keep the ring burning a hole in his pocket.

Sortmom, you're only 3 months in with the wait...if he gets to 6 months, time to kick his butt and take the dang thing lol

 

[madelise]

And why would a woman stay with a man that played her like that?

Cuz I'm a sadistic idiot.









No, really, there area always reasons beyond what the outside world sees.
But people like judging and asking questions, and always assume that something's wrong in the relationship if the guy is waiting.
I'm glad people IRL don't know that there's a ring that has been waiting, GULP!, since last year!
I'd probably have to punch somebody by now with how many, "Well? What's he waiting for" I'd get!
June we bought the diamond, then September we picked up the ring.


#1 reason? Probably simple procrastination. They want to plan a fun proposal that won't embarrass you or him when all your friends ask, "HOW DID HE POP THE QUESTION?!" but that takes a lot of elaborate planning.
#2? He also probably realized "OH SHIT THIS IS FOR REAL" after he saw the ring in his hands and talked to his parents. Maybe there's some cold feet?


And then there are situational reasons.
I doubt a guy would go and fork up whatever ridiculous amount of money to buy a piece of rock that he could care less about without truly having the intentions to propose. Something is holding him back, though, and if a woman is in that purgatory state for a long time, she deserves to know why. I felt so much better after knowing that it wasn't ME.

 

[TC1987]

I don't get that, either. My now-ex proposed first, then bought a ring after I'd said Yes. We later disagreed on lot of things and we divorced after 9 years together, but I still admire that kind practicality in a man

 

[StacylikesSparkles]

And why would a woman stay with a man that played her like that?

Cuz I'm a sadistic idiot.









No, really, there area always reasons beyond what the outside world sees.
But people like judging and asking questions, and always assume that something's wrong in the relationship if the guy is waiting.
I'm glad people IRL don't know that there's a ring that has been waiting, GULP!, since last year!
I'd probably have to punch somebody by now with how many, "Well? What's he waiting for" I'd get!
June we bought the diamond, then September we picked up the ring.


#1 reason? Probably simple procrastination. They want to plan a fun proposal that won't embarrass you or him when all your friends ask, "HOW DID HE POP THE QUESTION?!" but that takes a lot of elaborate planning.
#2? He also probably realized "OH SHIT THIS IS FOR REAL" after he saw the ring in his hands and talked to his parents. Maybe there's some cold feet?


And then there are situational reasons.
I doubt a guy would go and fork up whatever ridiculous amount of money to buy a piece of rock that he could care less about without truly having the intentions to propose. Something is holding him back, though, and if a woman is in that purgatory state for a long time, she deserves to know why. I felt so much better after knowing that it wasn't ME.

I think the #2 reason happens more often (at least in my head). Guys just take longer to process things than women lol

Madelise, I'm glad you actually know WHY there is a wait! I think I would be panicking if I knew there was a ring and a proposal just wasn't happening. I would automatically jump to the 'what is wrong with me/us' situation and probably make things worse! This is exactly why people who know that there is a ring in the house tend to automatically question your relationship. People do judge and do question things if they know the guy has a ring and isn't asking. It causes doubt in your relationship (although why should it? You know what's going on!). But that is the nature of the beast. People are nosey

 

[tammy77]

While my DH did propose I think about 2 weeks after he got the ring, I can absolutely see why there might be a longer wait. Maybe there's a big vacation he's trying to wait for. Maybe they found an AWESOME deal on a diamond/ring (Audball?) just a little too early in the relationship to officially become engaged but far enough in to know that they were "The One". While I don't relate and don't always "get it" either, I recognize that 1. there are often legitimate reasons and 2. it's a pretty sensitive subject for the LIW boards.

To all the LIW, good luck and I hope this is a VERY eventful summer for all of you.

/back to lurk mode...

 

[vintagelover229]

My now husband and I met Feb of 2010 when he was in the states on a business trip. A few weeks later I traveled from Houston to Ontario to visit him for a week. After the week I went home and made longer term arrangements and four days later flew up for a 3 month visit. While up here-in April I found an antique ring on DB for a steal of a deal and showed it to him-a little over 2 months of knowing each other. He bought it and it shipped to my dad in Houston until we flew back to pack me up and move me to Canada (June). He held onto it until July 2011-over a year after buying it.

We both knew right away we were meant to be with eachother but we both had a lot of growing and learning and things to figure out before getting engaged.

Since I knew he had the ring and had seen it more than once when we were on a 10 day backpacking canoe camping trip he whittled a "ring" out of a stick and proposed to me the last night while star gazing-just like I'd dreamed of as a little girl (but hadn't told him lol). It was perfect.

We were married 4 month later in Dec and welcomed our first son into the world in Oct. We bought a house AND got pregnant the month after we got married.

It was killer waiting for the proposal since I couldn't understand why he was waiting when immigration could only happen after we were married. But once I let it go and began to enjoy the relationship and that phase of our lives I knew would shortly come to a close and a new chapter started-I was able to grow, change, appreciate and live in the moment instead of living for THE moment.

The wait taught me that every moment with him is a beautiful one, to treasure it since the days were flying by much quicker than I ever could imagine possible-and that in the blink of an eye our whole life was going to go by us if I didn't slow down and enjoy each day for what it brought.

It's been over 3 years since we met and although it feels like we've always been together it's hard to fathom how quickly the time has passed. And now thatour beautiful baby boy is here time flies by even more quickly. He'll be 7 months on the 10th and there's no where I'd rather be than baking devil food cake cookie dough cup cakes for my MIL birthday and nursing my son to sleep for his nap while he cuts 4 top teeth all at once.

Dating-engaged-married-doesn't really matter as long as there is love, respect, communication, both parties on the same page and needs being met.

 

[madelise]

And why would a woman stay with a man that played her like that?

Cuz I'm a sadistic idiot.









No, really, there area always reasons beyond what the outside world sees.
But people like judging and asking questions, and always assume that something's wrong in the relationship if the guy is waiting.
I'm glad people IRL don't know that there's a ring that has been waiting, GULP!, since last year!
I'd probably have to punch somebody by now with how many, "Well? What's he waiting for" I'd get!
June we bought the diamond, then September we picked up the ring.


#1 reason? Probably simple procrastination. They want to plan a fun proposal that won't embarrass you or him when all your friends ask, "HOW DID HE POP THE QUESTION?!" but that takes a lot of elaborate planning.
#2? He also probably realized "OH SHIT THIS IS FOR REAL" after he saw the ring in his hands and talked to his parents. Maybe there's some cold feet?


And then there are situational reasons.
I doubt a guy would go and fork up whatever ridiculous amount of money to buy a piece of rock that he could care less about without truly having the intentions to propose. Something is holding him back, though, and if a woman is in that purgatory state for a long time, she deserves to know why. I felt so much better after knowing that it wasn't ME.

I think the #2 reason happens more often (at least in my head). Guys just take longer to process things than women lol

Madelise, I'm glad you actually know WHY there is a wait! I think I would be panicking if I knew there was a ring and a proposal just wasn't happening. I would automatically jump to the 'what is wrong with me/us' situation and probably make things worse! This is exactly why people who know that there is a ring in the house tend to automatically question your relationship. People do judge and do question things if they know the guy has a ring and isn't asking. It causes doubt in your relationship (although why should it? You know what's going on!). But that is the nature of the beast. People are nosey

I did jump on that bus. I was panicking for months. I cried on the day after our last anniversary, and then held my breath on a few other occasions. But since he saw how distraught I was on our anniversary, he soon opened up about his family situation. He saw that I needed the clarity. Yes, it takes time to save money, but the money for the ring is the EASY part. It's the actual commitment symbolized by the proposal that takes the most effort, and rightfully so!

I encourage any LIW that is in that limbo area of near-anxiety attack to have an open and honest conversation. It waned off some resentment that I was building.

 

[StacylikesSparkles]

I sincerely hope you get off the LIW list soon, Madelise! Hopefully the situation that is holding off the proposal can work itself out and you can never have to worry about waiting for the ring again!

 

[audball]

While my DH did propose I think about 2 weeks after he got the ring, I can absolutely see why there might be a longer wait. Maybe there's a big vacation he's trying to wait for. Maybe they found an AWESOME deal on a diamond/ring (Audball?) just a little too early in the relationship to officially become engaged but far enough in to know that they were "The One". While I don't relate and don't always "get it" either, I recognize that 1. there are often legitimate reasons and 2. it's a pretty sensitive subject for the LIW boards.

To all the LIW, good luck and I hope this is a VERY eventful summer for all of you.

/back to lurk mode...

Thanks for thinking of me tammy! Yes, Mr. Audball purchased our stone in January of 2012, but we weren't engaged until 4 days before Christmas of the same year.

We had only been dating 7 months when we found the stone. We had semi-casually starting discussing what I'd like with the intent of getting engaged after he graduated (which at that point, was estimated to be August). We had no idea everything was going to go SO smoothly with the purchase. It required a minor recut, an appraisal, insurance, and then was off for setting, but we still had it finished in hand by mid May. At that point, we learned that 2 of the 3 final courses FI needed to graduate weren't being offered that summer, so his graduation was delayed until Fall. It was disappointing at the time, but I wouldn't trade our holiday proposal for anything in the world. We were dating ~17 months when we finally got engaged and had had the ring in hand for 7 months.

 

[wsucheerleader]

My boyfriend fits into this category. He says he wants it to be surprise but part of me is afriad it is the commit-a-phobia. Hopefully it comes sometime soon.

 

[SMC]

My boyfriend fits into this category. He says he wants it to be surprise but part of me is afriad it is the commit-a-phobia. Hopefully it comes sometime soon.

I think the waiting is worse for me because my parents have been bugging me every time I talk to them. They always find a way to sneak in questions regarding when we're getting engaged. And since the ball's totally in his court, I have to keep telling them that it'll be "soon." It's gotten to the point where I kind of dread talking to my parents.

 

[junebug17]

My boyfriend fits into this category. He says he wants it to be surprise but part of me is afriad it is the commit-a-phobia. Hopefully it comes sometime soon.

I think the waiting is worse for me because my parents have been bugging me every time I talk to them. They always find a way to sneak in questions regarding when we're getting engaged. And since the ball's totally in his court, I have to keep telling them that it'll be "soon." It's gotten to the point where I kind of dread talking to my parents.

Older woman popping in...hope you guys don't mind...sortmon, I can totally understand how what your parents are doing is getting very old, I feel for you. I'm wondering if you could just politely tell your parents how they are making you feel, and when you have news you'll let them know. I know that if I was upsetting my daughter, I'd want to know and I'd back off! I hope you can somehow get your parents to stop bugging you about it, it would get on my nerves too!

 

[antiquesparkler]

I fall into this category as well… well sort of.

My SO and I inherited a diamond ring last May and tried for months to have the setting repaired. Finally we picked out and purchased a new setting and it has been done since September. He hasn’t really showed me the ring, although I know where it is in our house and I occasionally sneak a peek at it. He is waiting until life calms down a bit... not to mention his sister got engaged the weekend after we got the ring so we are trying not to steal her thunder at all and want to let her have her time.

Also, SO is trying to make it a huge surprise because the ring won’t be a surprise... I have boughts of bad LIWitis but for the most part I am okay with waiting. We really aren’t in a huge hurry to be honest. I would like to get a few more projects done on our house before we start saving for a wedding. He has given me a firm timeline of by October 1st... and I am okay with that.

I definitely think there is a difference between using the ring as a manipulation tool, dangling it in front of your face, etc. vs. waiting for the right time. I am patiently waiting but if it ever feels like the latter we will have words.

 

[madelise]

My boyfriend fits into this category. He says he wants it to be surprise but part of me is afriad it is the commit-a-phobia. Hopefully it comes sometime soon.

I think the waiting is worse for me because my parents have been bugging me every time I talk to them. They always find a way to sneak in questions regarding when we're getting engaged. And since the ball's totally in his court, I have to keep telling them that it'll be "soon." It's gotten to the point where I kind of dread talking to my parents.

Ugh, my grandma always asks this! And my "I don't know" answers always leads to her asking if I've noticed any changes in his behavior around me, or if he's lost his affections for me!

 

[Schafenm]

I totally fall into this category!! I think if the woman is in the ring picking process it is a way for the guy to be creative and allow for an element of surprise. We first started looking at rings in March of 2012 and my ring was done by mid June. He didn't propose until Dec 22,2012. In my situation I never felt like it was a commitment phobia, I just feel like he wanted to take control. I mean he did spend all that money on the ring The proposal is all about how the guy does it and since I got to pick out my ring I am sure he wanted to have some type of say so. Was it the easiest thing, HELL NO!! I just wanted to see the end product. The way I look at it is I could totally have been surprised and been in ignorance bliss about what he was doing, but that comes with the possibility of getting a ring that isn't 100 percent what I wanted. The alternative is I could be involved, get the ring of my dreams, and sit impatiently waiting for him to ask me. Either way it all works out because you get to spend the rest of your life with the one you love!!

 

[pandabee]

We (I) bought my ring last September. It was a great deal, preloved, and pretty much exactly what I wanted. We have both now graduated school, and will be moving in together in about a month or so. I am not upset to have waited so long at this point, but if it gets to be closer to September and I still don't have a ring on my finger, then I will be less understanding unless he can specifically tell me a reason why we are still waiting.

 

[Love4Chanel]

I totally see myself falling into this category and of course I want to do everything possible to prevent this from happening! I've been dating my bf for over 6 years so I put my foot down and started the research process. I've been very involved in finding the perfect stone for the past month and now I notice myself taking the back seat. He has been saying things like "this takes all the fun out of it" .."the element of surprise is gone." Problem is ... will I wait a few months for it to happen now that i'm not pushing on it?

You ladies seem patient. I don't know what i'll do if there's no proposal in the next month or 2.

 

[star sparkle]

While my DH did propose I think about 2 weeks after he got the ring, I can absolutely see why there might be a longer wait. Maybe there's a big vacation he's trying to wait for. Maybe they found an AWESOME deal on a diamond/ring (Audball?) just a little too early in the relationship to officially become engaged but far enough in to know that they were "The One". While I don't relate and don't always "get it" either, I recognize that 1. there are often legitimate reasons and 2. it's a pretty sensitive subject for the LIW boards.

This was the situation exactly for me and now-DH. We found my ering in October 2011, it was all done being repaired and reshanked and was proposal ready in November 2011, and then he held onto it for a bit because he wasn't QUITE ready to propose. We had talked about marriage and knew it was in our future, so he was more than happy and willing to get me the ring I wanted when I found it (at an antique jewelry shop, so it's not exactly like I'd be able to find another like it if we didn't get it then). He proposed in June 2012, and we just got married in February.

Everyone's situation is different and there are plenty of reasons why something like this would happen. I don't really see it as "leaving the woman hanging," but maybe that's just me.

 

[MayFlowers]

I'm now in this boat. For us, we moved in together officially back in late October. We both agreed that I would be a part of the ring picking process, but we had originally planned for BF to propose without a ring and then pick one together after that. But, I found an awesome ring on the preloved section of PS and since it was exactly what I wanted, in my ring size and in our budget, we decided to go for it. I told BF that if he bought it, he didn't have to propose right away because I didn't want to force him to do it. He is still hung up on some family issues and how exactly he is going to approach those with the wedding.

He has had the ring for almost a week. I think once he figures out how he is going to deal with the family stuff, he will propose. It's just a difficult situation for him. I'm trying to just keep quiet about it all and let him sort it out.

I definitely feel like I'm waiting, but I don't feel like he is playing games with me or that he is afraid of the commitment to me. If he was afraid of the commitment, he wouldn't have bought the ring!

 

[EstesN]

I have a friend who bought his gf of nearly 6 years a ring, it's now been over a year since he got it for her and he has no desire or intention of giving it up her. She of course does not know and he won't tell her. When I asked him why he bought it for her, he said well because it's something she wants and her friends and family keep making her feel bad by asking her when they were gonna get married. When I asked him why he hasn't yet given it to her, he says it's because he doesn't want to marry her or have kids with her, but that it took buying the ring for him to figure it out. When I asked him why he stays with her, he says it's because he loves her and doesn't want to hurt her. He said that he realizes that he doesn't want to be with her anymore, but feels trapped because he cares and can't stomach the idea of breaking her heart.

She's almost 10 years younger than him, works only parttime and has no credit or real savings of her own. He says he doesn't feel like he has a partner, but instead a child. To top it off she's lazy, messy and has gained a lot of weight and now he's not attracted to her. He says she's super emotional, needy and weak; but a very sweet, kind and loving person which is why he's in his conundrum. He says he wished he'd seen all the incompatiblies earlier, so that they wouldn't have gotten this far.

So I think sometimes new a ring makes the prospect of partnering with someone forever a very real thing and if you aren't really happy before that prospect becomes real, there's a good chance you could end up in this situation. He's in the process of trying to break up, but is really struggling with it. It's really sad to see how unhappy they both are but yet totally unwilling to let the other one go.

 

[partgypsy]

I have a friend who bought his gf of nearly 6 years a ring, it's now been over a year since he got it for her and he has no desire or intention of giving it up her. She of course does not know and he won't tell her. When I asked him why he bought it for her, he said well because it's something she wants and her friends and family keep making her feel bad by asking her when they were gonna get married. When I asked him why he hasn't yet given it to her, he says it's because he doesn't want to marry her or have kids with her, but that it took buying the ring for him to figure it out. When I asked him why he stays with her, he says it's because he loves her and doesn't want to hurt her. He said that he realizes that he doesn't want to be with her anymore, but feels trapped because he cares and can't stomach the idea of breaking her heart.

She's almost 10 years younger than him, works only parttime and has no credit or real savings of her own. He says he doesn't feel like he has a partner, but instead a child. To top it off she's lazy, messy and has gained a lot of weight and now he's not attracted to her. He says she's super emotional, needy and weak; but a very sweet, kind and loving person which is why he's in his conundrum. He says he wished he'd seen all the incompatiblies earlier, so that they wouldn't have gotten this far.

So I think sometimes new a ring makes the prospect of partnering with someone forever a very real thing and if you aren't really happy before that prospect becomes real, there's a good chance you could end up in this situation. He's in the process of trying to break up, but is really struggling with it. It's really sad to see how unhappy they both are but yet totally unwilling to let the other one go.

That really sucks. I hope he breaks it off with her sooner than later, because that is a very cruel thing to do to someone (buy a ring, not give it to her, or even tell her what is going on). she is an adult. Treat her like one.

 

[Austina]

I met my husband in April, had our first date in May, he asked me to marry him in August and got married in December. We didn't bother getting engaged, once we decided to get married, we just got on with the practicalities of buying a house, and arranging the wedding!

He asked if I wanted an ER and I said no. What on earth was I thinking?

We were sitting in the car when he asked me, and TBH, I think if I'd known he was going to propose and had a ring, I'd have just wanted him to get on with it

We recently celebrated our 38th anniversary

 

[Galgator]

I hope the original poster and all the earlier posters have had their happy ending. I did not. We were together four years. He is in his early 40s and I am in my mid 30s.

EstesN's post hit close to home (though I'm nothing like her friend's girlfriend but about how her friend felt). After a year of couples counseling that I assumed was only to help him get past his final commitment jitters and to also serve as "pre-marital" counseling, I realized he was never going to propose. He had had a ring for almost 8 months and I had known but never saw it.

He told me there was nothing wrong with us, per se, but that he felt like something was missing for him. So we mutually agreed to end our relationship. I miss him, and his son, terribly but it's just not possible to stay with someone who has told you he doesn't love you as much as he feels he should. I suppose for some men, it takes buying a ring to realize they never want to propose.

 

[GearGirly]

I hope the original poster and all the earlier posters have had their happy ending. I did not. We were together four years. He is in his early 40s and I am in my mid 30s.

EstesN's post hit close to home (though I'm nothing like her friend's girlfriend but about how her friend felt). After a year of couples counseling that I assumed was only to help him get past his final commitment jitters and to also serve as "pre-marital" counseling, I realized he was never going to propose. He had had a ring for almost 8 months and I had known but never saw it.

He told me there was nothing wrong with us, per se, but that he felt like something was missing for him. So we mutually agreed to end our relationship. I miss him, and his son, terribly but it's just not possible to stay with someone who has told you he doesn't love you as much as he feels he should. I suppose for some men, it takes buying a ring to realize they never want to propose.

I'm
So sorry this happened to you. I hope you are feeling a little stronger every day!