marriage

[oddoneout]

What makes someone want to get married as opposed to just being together/living together for the rest of their lives? Is just being together/living together seen as less special than being married?

 

[MichelleCarmen]

My husband and I had been together eight years before marrying. The reason we decided to take the plunge was because we wanted to have a baby and it made sense for me to get put on his insurance plan.

 

[neatfreak]

Tax breaks!

 

[Haven]

Personal preference, I believe.

I wanted to get married because I value the tradition of marriage, my religious beliefs support marriage, and I wanted to legally become a family with my husband. I know many couples who never plan to marry but are committed to each other, and their reasons vary from having negative experiences with marriage (e.g. divorced parents) to being totally secular and seeing no reason to have a marriage ceremony.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

I cannot speak in general terms obviously, because marriage is such a personal thing and a personal decision...but for myself, I chose to marry my husband because it *felt* right. It had nothing to do to with legalities or benefits...we married each other because we loved each other, and couldn''t imagine the rest of our lives without sharing in it together.

Clearly, we''d both been involved in serious relationships before meeting each other...but what we had in our relationship was more than anything else we''d ever been involved in before...and in order to honor that feeling, we chose marriage for ourselves. Our marriage sets our relationship apart from anything that came before. Our wedding gave our relationship roots and wings. It made it different, it was a statement.

Prehaps it was a traditional choice...one mapped out for us by our parents, grandparents and so on...but when our relationship developed, it became clear that marriage was the right direction...and it''s lovely, and special.

In short, for us, being married felt more serious that simply living together, or being in a LTR.

 

[SailorsSweet<3]

I can only speak for myself but I dont think living together without being married is any less special, its just a different choice in lifestyle. You have to consider all the things that go into choosing marriage - religious beliefs, family beliefs, fund management, insurance coverage, if the couple cannot conceive children they have a better chance of adopting when they're legally married, government jobs offer reimbursements only to spouses through law, if one half of the couple doesnt have citizenship in the country they chose to reside in, financial situations such as applying for mortgages and loans, and of course social misconceptions that still exist. I dont think that living together without being married should come off as less special in anyway, in fact its a sign of extreme trust and respect for your partner in many ways. You dont need a legal document to prove you'll be faithful to one another (which drives certain people to marriage in the first place, hopes that their partner will not be able to stray after having that marriage license). I think this is a very complicated subject though and it depends whos answering it. Ask the homosexual couple who wants more then anything to have a legal marriage document with their names on it why they're fighting for that right and you'll get one answer vs. asking a couple who has been together for decades and have never felt the need to get legally married vs. an older couple who met later on in life after their previous spouses left them or passed away.

 

[Steel]

We felt the 'urge' to be married, so we got wed. End of.

 

[LGK]

My DH & I are both very introverted, so we both hated the idea of A Wedding- first, we both have divorced parents, so LOTS of family issues on both sides which were terrifying to contemplate everyone in the same room together, and second, we both hate being the center of attention. So, we put it off for years- 5 in fact- that we'd been living together and had joint finances etc., but not legally married.

Then, we ended up buying commercial property right after college, so we ended up getting married mostly because of that. (I also really wanted to be rid of my maiden name; not that I'll get into the major reasons, but I was the very last one in any of my family with that name... I think if I hadn't gotten married I probably would have legally changed it to something from my mom's side of the family.)

The four-divorced-parents-plus-two-new-spouses thing was less of an issue than we were afraid of, but nevertheless it was not an experience any of us cared to repeat I believe!

So it was pretty much financial considerations in the end, with a few personal. It changed nothing about our relationship, except that we can now we file one tax return instead of two. Oh, yeah- and I get to wear a sparkly. That's nice!

 

[NewEnglandLady]

Neither of us believed in having a family without being married first. My husband was on the fence about marriage before he proposed, though he wasn''t on the fence about marriage so much as he was on the fence about settling down and having a family. I know he would have been content to travel around the world on his own for the rest of his life, he just realized that marrying me was more fun

 

[onedrop]

We're both pretty traditional so we definitely knew that a marriage would happen. I don't think living together is any less *special.* I just think couples should do what works for the both of them. For us, it felt like a normal progression to get married.

 

[ceaphron]

We would have been happy living together without getting married - to us it was just a piece of paper. But without the piece of paper, I would not be able to make decisions for him in case he got hurt or worse. I would not even have the right to be notified.

If I were incapacitated, I want him to be the one to make decisions for me because he''s the one that knows me best.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

Going against the grain and probably will be yelled at but I DO think living together is *less* special than marriage. DH and I lived together 4 years before marriage and even after 2 + years of marriage my heart still skips a beat when I hear him call me his wife

I love being his wife and love that he is my husband. I love that we took those vows in front of our friends and family. I love that my daughter''s parents are married.

 

[firebirdgold]

Getting married totally redefined our relationship. We are truly partners now, sharing in life. It''s like the difference between being in two kayaks hooked together going in the same direction, and being in one kayak paddling together. Most of our things are no longer mine and yours, but now ours. Our house, our savings, our dog, our future.

Of course everyone needs personal space and privacy. So there are still some things that are singular, but it is by arrangement more than possession. For instance: His car, not because he paid for it by himself, but because something in him needs a car to be ''his'' car. (main difference is, I ask before driving and never leave anything behind in that car). Laptops are not to be touched by the other spouse.

There is also an ease and relaxation to being married. I find it easier to be myself. After all, he''s stuck with me! I don''t have to be good all the time and neither does he. I snap and snarl at him when I stressed and he does the same. I''ve never done that to anyone other than a family member. It''s okay because we''re married. (and we always apologize and explain what we''re stressed about too).


Getting married also redefined what family meant. We are each others primary family now. He comes before my parents, and I come before his. But it is also more inclusive. His family is now my family too. Without thought, without hesitation, they are our family. (We''re still working on my family also being his family but my mother drives him batty).

 

[Kaleigh]

It was important to us to be married. We value being married. And here we are 22 years still together. Well except that he''s in FLA playing golf.

 

[Elmorton]

I was thinking about this idea this morning, actually.

I was told once that a couple should already be married before they ever walk down an aisle. Meaning, if you don''t feel married before the actual wedding, you''ll never feel married. I believe that the day I "married" my husband was during a blizzard when we were stuck in Chicago - roughly 2 1/2 years before our wedding. It was then that I not only felt connected to him on an intense level, but had the realization that I was committed to him and to our life together for as long as I breathe.

So if you think of it from that standpoint, there''s no point in getting married - if it''s truly an inward expression. But the thing about marriage is that it isn''t entirely an inward feeling. In fact, the very thing that folks are fighting for in terms of wanting the right to marry is the outward representation. I saw our wedding as being a representation of our love, but it was really the opportunity for our friends and family to gather around us in a visible way to come to support our lives together. In fact, this was a pretty important part of both of our ceremonies ( we had both a religious wedding and a non-religious one) - in both, the congregation was asked for their support. Our religious wedding ended with the line "What God has joined together let no man put asunder" - which I think is a pretty telling explanation of the whole concept of a wedding. Religion aside, the wedding is the outward and visible sign to all others that you have a commitment that transcends any other relationship.

The cold hard truth is that people treat you differently when you say husband instead of boyfriend (or even partner). This is true of parents, of friends, but most overwhelmingly of strangers and all sorts of situations (for instance, when DH had emergency surgery right after we were married, there are no additional questions when you say "I''m his wife." There are legal implications for sure, but it''s the social ones that are practically immeasurable.

(And my husband just added - "and you get tax breaks!")

 

[neatfreak]

Date: 12/7/2008 8:58:52 PM
Author: Kaleigh
It was important to us to be married. We value being married. And here we are 22 years still together. Well except that he''s in FLA playing golf.

22 years is awesome Kaleigh!

 

[diamondseeker2006]

Date: 12/7/2008 8:47:48 PM
Author: Tacori E-ring
Going against the grain and probably will be yelled at but I DO think living together is *less* special than marriage. DH and I lived together 4 years before marriage and even after 2 + years of marriage my heart still skips a beat when I hear him call me his wife

I love being his wife and love that he is my husband. I love that we took those vows in front of our friends and family. I love that my daughter''s parents are married.

How very sweet!

I''ve been married 32 years. Marriage is about commitment. I don''t believe people should marry unless they really mean their vows..for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health, as long as we both shall live. Not all days are better, richer, and healthy, but I believe strongly in marriage and especially when there are children involved.

 

[pennquaker09]

I think marriage is a deeper commitment than just living with someone. I don''t want to offend anyone, but I also believe that marriage is the first step is starting a family. It''s the creation of a new family. I''m very much a traditionalist at heart. I think the piece of paper just formalizes a marriage, but i think the actual marriage begins when both people make that commitment to each other and God.

 

[Deelight]

Date: 12/7/2008 8:47:48 PM
Author: Tacori E-ring
Going against the grain and probably will be yelled at but I DO think living together is *less* special than marriage. DH and I lived together 4 years before marriage and even after 2 + years of marriage my heart still skips a beat when I hear him call me his wife

I love being his wife and love that he is my husband. I love that we took those vows in front of our friends and family. I love that my daughter''s parents are married.

I won''t yell at you, actually I think it is lovely when people feel that way and makes me feel happy rather then a little disheartened when people say it is no different. FI and I have lived together for years and we still do but even we both felt different towards each other getting engaged, a kind of intangible tangible feeling and I know getting married will be even more special .

 

[Kelli]

I wonder about this all the time too, because there can be soooooo much negativity about the whole marriage thing. Pretty much all of the marriages in my family have been successful ones, so I always assumed I would grow up and get married. But so many people, men in particular (many of them anyway), love to put the whole concept down as often as they can. My fiancee and I just got engaged this year after being together for a little over eight years. He and I both have said, practically since the day we got together, that we would marry each other, but then for several years, life just got in the way. We were WAAAY too busy and had WAAAY too little money. Things were fine and then one day, after about seven years together I just decided it was time. I didn't want to bring it up to him so I didn't, but then I started freaking out over whether or not he still actually wanted marriage, since we didn't really ever talk about it. I built it up in my head to the point that it consumed me and eventually I just had to bring it up, but by that point I was so emotional about it and it didn't go well. He was actually pretty shocked that I cared so much about it. But still, more time just went by. I never questioned his commitment to me, but I did come to realize that it's kind of just a piece of paper to him. We both agreed that we'd want to be married if we had kids, but kids are not really on either of our minds right now. He did finally ask me to marry him (in a not so romantic way, which is weird because he really is a sentimental guy). By the time he asked I was really just so annoyed that he didn't ask earlier that I couldn't even fully enjoy it. Luckily, I did get over that. I realized that he's just way more interested in our actual day to day lives. He doesn't have anything against our wedding and started calling me his fiancee soon enough after we got engaged, but he'd rather put our money towards our house than a wedding. We just bought our first house together and he said a few days ago, "Once we get the house stuff all under control, we can start thinking more about our wedding." That was nice to hear. Some of my other male friends always talk about how stupid marriage is and how it never works, and even the married ones say that sometimes they have regrets. That's so discouraging to hear when you're excited about it, so it's good to hear all of you talk about why it's special. I totally see how it's not for everyone, but I do think it is for me. I have no doubt in the world that my fiancee loves me, he tells me all the time how much I mean to him and how happy he is with me and our dogs. But I have no idea whether or not we'd be engaged yet if I hadn't pushed a little. Sometimes I can't even understand why I did push, because I love our relationship the way it is and don't expect a thing to change when we get married. I guess I'm just a little more traditional than he is, and luckily, he cares enough for me to oblige.

WOW sorry for the novel, I hope I didn't put anyone to sleep.

 

[zhuzhu]

I associate marriage with love.
When I found the love of my life,
I married him.

 

[LaraOnline]

WARNING: PERSONAL RESPONSE FOLLOWS!

I think living together vs marriage is like chalk and cheese.

It comes down to personal disposition (and there are no tax breaks for marriage in Australia), but having my partner really put all his cards on the table really helped me feel secure, loved and positive about my future in a way that nothing else could do.

Ambivalence about the future is difficult to deal with in the emotional environment of an intimate relationship, for me anyway. I needed to know how to chart my course. I think it also helped my family and friends suss out how serious we were about each other.

Personally, I think an awful lot of women these days are really feeling the pressure of a society that seems to scorn their emotional desire, or even need, to marry. It''s as if men expect that we have become quite masculine in our outlook, and are expected to develop a ''make-do'' or very practical attitude, even if we have not yet had children.

I think this ''anti-marriage'' sentiment, which seems rooted in a kind of simplistic understanding of equality/sameness of the genders (and Australia seems a lot more anti marriage than the US) is based on a very poor understanding of women''s responses to emotional and physical intimacy. Also probably a rather mechanical understanding of intimacy and reproduction issues.

I think refusal of our society to take women''s desire for marriage seriously (in popular culture, not necessarily in individuals, because lots of men do eventually privately come to understand a woman''s desire to marry) is a kind of social power trip against women, and women''s needs.

How many times do you hear men reinforce anti-marriage sentiments, even in jokes. I guess they are really , as a group, just trying to maximise their access to the market of ''free love'', but it can make it hard on girls. Even my man, who is very happy in marriage, and totally a family man, loves to make jokes about marriage, and jokes around with younger men (boyfriends of the girls who work for us) about how difficult it is to be married. It is a standard for men. I think - and I think it has been proven in studies - that these cultural influences put young people and particularly young men, off.

By having my man accept me, as I am, and as I grow old, I felt happier about all the ''what-ifs'', like the prospect of unplanned pregnancies, maybe becoming ill, or having some other misfortune.

By wanting to marry me, he was saying that he was really, truly there for me, no questions asked.
It was about being up front and heading into the unknown (''yours forever into the future''), rather than hedging bets and casting into the past to prove love (as in ''I''ve been with you and haven''t wanted to leave for the last five years, so I must love you, right?''
I realise this is very personal for people. I got married in a church, that might say something about me.

The prospect of marriage also forced me to ''get real'' about how I really felt about him, without all the drama and vague sentiments and hand gestures. I mean, how suitable was he, honestly?
After all, until you both put your money where your mouth is, it''s all hot air and clouds of fairyfloss, is it not?

One of my greatest regrets is that I didn''t meet and marry this man earlier. So much wasted time, second-guessing boyfriends, wondering about my road in life, when I could have been much more settled, more focused and productive, and really really happy!!

I''m sorry to say, I have lived with other guys before meeting this man. It is a source of deep regret for me, and a part of my personal journey that has influenced my feelings on this matter.

 

[Pandora II]

I am married to a man who "didn''t believe in marriage and never wanted to get married".

This same man turned to me on our wedding day and told me how happy he was that I had convinced him that marriage was a good idea. The next day he told me that he had woken up feeling that we were now a family and not just two individuals who lived together.

I now hear him telling other men who fantastic marriage is!

DH and I lived together for 4 years before we got married (we were engaged for 19 months), we owned a house together and were in the middle of buying our current house. Materially and physically nothing would change, so why bother with all the expense etc.

It does feel different - I love being a wife and not a girlfriend; I don''t have to put up with any more ''he''s not that into you'' or ''I''ve known so many men who say they don''t want to get married, then they split up with the girlfriend and bam, 6 months later they''re married to someone else'' comments; I have legal protection and rights - as does he.

I also wasn''t prepared to have children without two rings on my finger.

We''re both atheists so religious views didn''t come into it.

 

[AdiS]

Date: 12/7/2008 8:47:48 PM
Author: Tacori E-ring
Going against the grain and probably will be yelled at but I DO think living together is *less* special than marriage. DH and I lived together 4 years before marriage and even after 2 + years of marriage my heart still skips a beat when I hear him call me his wife

I love being his wife and love that he is my husband. I love that we took those vows in front of our friends and family. I love that my daughter''s parents are married.

Ditto Tacori. DH and I lived together 2 years before we got married and we''ve been married for more than 2 years now. All I can say is I love being his wife more than I liked being his girlfriend. We just wanted to shout so loud that the whole world could hear us - we love each other. That''s the meaning of the wedding IMO - a declaration of love. Of course, it''s up to you how you want to declare your love.

 

[geckodani]

Date: 12/7/2008 6:04:10 PM
Author: Haven
Personal preference, I believe.

I wanted to get married because I value the tradition of marriage, my religious beliefs support marriage, and I wanted to legally become a family with my husband. I know many couples who never plan to marry but are committed to each other, and their reasons vary from having negative experiences with marriage (e.g. divorced parents) to being totally secular and seeing no reason to have a marriage ceremony.

Same here, on all counts.

 

[vespergirl]

I think that marriage is a contract, and it protects women and children financially both during the relationship, and afterwards if the man decides to leave the family. Say you live with someone through your 20s and 30s, and when you hit 40 he leaves you for a 25 year old. If you weren''t married, you may not have a place to live, and you certainly won''t get alimony. Also, at a more advanced age, you may have less of a chance of meeting another life partner, and women who are single going into retirement years generally have a less stable financial future than those who are married.

If you were married when he leaves you for the younger woman, you are entitled to alimony, will probably get to keep the house and the car, and if you have children, he will be paying for child support. Your financial future is looking a lot better, even if you never re-marry.

Marriage helps women have security as they age, and helps the financial futures of the children. You also get some great tax breaks and insurance benefits. I also think that it makes (either partner) less likely to run at the first sign of trouble - it helps people learn how to work through their problem.

I know this isn''t a very romantic view, but it really makes sense to marry, especially from a woman''s perspective. I wouldn''t every stay with a guy who said that he "didn''t need that piece of paper" to legitimize a relationship. Basically, that''s code saying that when he''s ready to leave you, he doesn''t want to go through the financial hassle of a divorce. If a guy loves you, he will want to make sure that you''re financially protected and cared for.

 

[somethingshiny]

We got married because it''s what we believe in.

We did not feel it was appropriate to live together without being married. We wanted to start a family and we never thought of doing that out of wedlock. We see out marriage as a religious commitment more than anything. We believe because we are married we are bound together for eternity.

 

[asscherisme]

I got married becauase I wanted kids and wanted them born into a marriage. I also thought marriage equaled security and for me at least, it ended up being the opposite of security, it ended up being dangerous and making me feel trapped. If I did not have a strong desire for kids, I don''t know if I would have gotten married in the first place.

However, my marriage exploded and I''m currently in the process of divorcing. So, my views for the future are colored based on that. I can''t imagine ever getting married again. I can totally see being in a relationship but I would never never bring another man into living in my home with me or spending the night when my kids are with me while my kids are still young And even after they are grown, I could see living with a man, just not marrying and mixing our finances. I honestly have zero desire to ever get married again. Ever.

diamondseeker, I agree with you and believe that if you take the plunge to get married, you should commit fully to it. However, I draw the line at abuse. I think if there is abuse, that trumps any committment and its in the best interest of everyone, especially for the kids to get OUT of the marriage.

 

[Skippy123]

Date: 12/7/2008 8:54:16 PM
Author: IndieJones
Getting married totally redefined our relationship. We are truly partners now, sharing in life. It's like the difference between being in two kayaks hooked together going in the same direction, and being in one kayak paddling together. Most of our things are no longer mine and yours, but now ours. Our house, our savings, our dog, our future.

Of course everyone needs personal space and privacy. So there are still some things that are singular, but it is by arrangement more than possession. For instance: His car, not because he paid for it by himself, but because something in him needs a car to be 'his' car. (main difference is, I ask before driving and never leave anything behind in that car). Laptops are not to be touched by the other spouse.

There is also an ease and relaxation to being married. I find it easier to be myself. After all, he's stuck with me! I don't have to be good all the time and neither does he. I snap and snarl at him when I stressed and he does the same. I've never done that to anyone other than a family member. It's okay because we're married. (and we always apologize and explain what we're stressed about too).


Getting married also redefined what family meant. We are each others primary family now. He comes before my parents, and I come before his. But it is also more inclusive. His family is now my family too. Without thought, without hesitation, they are our family. (We're still working on my family also being his family but my mother drives him batty).

I feel exactly like this. I love being around my hubby and I agree w/ Tacori too!!! Sometimes I look over at my husband and I am excited to think he is my husband. Marriage is a little bit of work but it is all wonderful and worth it to us. Hubby was nervous about getting married and he tells people if he knew it was this wonderful he would have done it sooner. Really I think it is about what you both put into it and there are some tough times but you are commited to each other through the good and bad and that can make you a super strong unit. I think living together is a different sort of commitment in my mind and it seems easier to get out of in the back of my mind (which is true so did not make it as strong). I guess go for whatever works for you but I love being married.

 

[Dancing Fire]

Date: 12/7/2008 5:58:58 PM
Author: neatfreak
Tax breaks!

yeah...but how much did the wedding cost?

lunch time!!