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Losing weight for engagement

jessib11

Rough_Rock
Joined
Oct 22, 2011
Messages
16
My partner and I have been going to the gym for the last 6 months or so and trying to eat healthier... He has been offering me little incentives when I reach my goals like a weekend away, date nights, and a dinner at my favourite resturant. The other day he mentioned if I lose 5 more kilos I will get my engagement ring. It didn't worry me when he said it, but now I feel a bit bummed about it. He assured me that he didn't mean it in a nasty way, just encouragement ( as I am not really overweight, I just need to tone up a little ) but I don't feel like I should have to lose weight just to get my e-ring.

Thoughts ladies?
 

jlp86

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Aug 13, 2011
Messages
199
Is working out and getting in shape something that you want to do for yourself and maybe your partner is just trying to motivate you? I would take it the wrong way if my BF said something like that to me, but I often take things the wrong way. My BF and I are both eating healthier and working out though, my motivation is engagement and wedding, not sure what his motivation is.
 

jessib11

Rough_Rock
Joined
Oct 22, 2011
Messages
16
We both decided to join the gym after putting on a bit of weight due to our desk jobs. It's been great for my confidence as I was never very athletic at school and my partner likes going to the gym for a bit of stress relief. But I was a little hurt. I spoke him about it because it was playing on my mind and he was really apologetic for the way it come out. I think I am just so ready for us to get married that I am a bit edgey!
 

jlp86

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Aug 13, 2011
Messages
199
I completely understand the edgy thing. I am so edgy about so many different things. If he apologized and said he didn't mean it trust him. I don't feel its worth starting anything over. I have started things over stuff that has been said and it was just a headache. I really need to get better at the working out part. I have been eating really healthy for about a month now but I can't seem to get back into working out! ahh
 

madelise

Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Sep 23, 2011
Messages
5,294
Lol, honestly, If you were telling him you wanted to anyway, and he's just offering extra "push", I wouldn't think twice of it.. But my boy's mentioned losing weight for a proposal, and I just laughed at him. Lol. I said, w/o a wedding to plan, I have no incentives, so better hand over a rock first!
 

sonnyjane

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jul 13, 2008
Messages
2,476
Hmm. I had a really visceral reaction to this, but since nobody else did, maybe I'm the one that's off-base? Just to clarify, does he already have your ring sitting around and it's common knowledge? Was this a playful "five more and you can get your ring!" type of thing? Or is it a literal "5 more pounds and I'll propose". There's a big difference in context. I don't like either, but one is far worse than the other.
 

sjay184

Rough_Rock
Joined
May 22, 2011
Messages
23
sonnyjane|1319339805|3045740 said:
Hmm. I had a really visceral reaction to this, but since nobody else did, maybe I'm the one that's off-base? Just to clarify, does he already have your ring sitting around and it's common knowledge? Was this a playful "five more and you can get your ring!" type of thing? Or is it a literal "5 more pounds and I'll propose". There's a big difference in context. I don't like either, but one is far worse than the other.

Haha, right there with you. I would definitely take his statement the wrong way too. Of course, different things work for different couples. So if you didn't take it the wrong way, that is all that matters. :) Cheers to losing weight! I want to lose 5lbs....2.2ish kg.
 

asscherisme

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Mar 6, 2006
Messages
2,821
sonnyjane|1319339805|3045740 said:
Hmm. I had a really visceral reaction to this, but since nobody else did, maybe I'm the one that's off-base? Just to clarify, does he already have your ring sitting around and it's common knowledge? Was this a playful "five more and you can get your ring!" type of thing? Or is it a literal "5 more pounds and I'll propose". There's a big difference in context. I don't like either, but one is far worse than the other.
Same reaction and I totally agree with the above post. I had a very visceral reaction and the statement rubbed me the wrong way.
 

tammy77

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Jun 23, 2011
Messages
1,442
It would upset me unless it was an open joke/topic (which it sounds like it might be in their household). I'd have a hard time not thinking "well what if I gain those lbs back, are you going to recant the proposal?!". It shouldn't be attached to anything like that. :sick: Babies make you gain weight, as do some illnesses, stress, and age - all of which are part of a lifelong marriage. It's playing with fire to make a comment about losing weight to "earn" your proposal.
 

Gypsy

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Aug 8, 2005
Messages
40,198
asscherisme|1319341147|3045750 said:
sonnyjane|1319339805|3045740 said:
Hmm. I had a really visceral reaction to this, but since nobody else did, maybe I'm the one that's off-base? Just to clarify, does he already have your ring sitting around and it's common knowledge? Was this a playful "five more and you can get your ring!" type of thing? Or is it a literal "5 more pounds and I'll propose". There's a big difference in context. I don't like either, but one is far worse than the other.
Same reaction and I totally agree with the above post. I had a very visceral reaction and the statement rubbed me the wrong way.
Me too.
 

Amys Bling

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jun 25, 2010
Messages
11,025
I think it depends on his tone.... if the two of you both set a goal becuase you want to tone up and get in shape- and he said it in like a jovial- "if you lose 5 more, you will get your ring" I wouldn't be offended. If we had a serious tone to it- then I probably would have. It's hard to judge though as we do not know your relationship- the tone of the remark- situations leading up to it... etc. I always joke with my hubby- we are both getting in better shape- and say things like, "hey, you get your butt to the gym 5 times this week and you'll get a nice reward :naughty: ". its more of a joking incentive.... we joke back and forth and honestly we like to be pushed to do things...

So honestly, if it upset you then express that.... hard for me to judge though as we are not there for the context, tone, etc of the remark. If you felt like- he wasn't proposing because he is unhappy with your body- then that is a serious issue....
 

marymm

Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Apr 21, 2010
Messages
4,273
OP - in your first post you mentioned that you both are going to the gym - are YOU offering incentives to HIM when he reaches his goals? If he rewards you on meeting YOUR goals, and you reward him on meeting HIS goals... then I would be more inclined to take his "engagement ring for 5 more pounds" statement as his way of offering you extra incentive - especially since you are both going to the gym and you are both engaged in eating healthier. It seems you have been all right with him rewarding you with weekends away, and date nights, which are "relationship" type things (as opposed to a new workout outfit or manicure certificate, or things just for *you*) -- and an engagement ring is a "relationship" type thing. If it were me, I probably would have teased him back with "Sounds great - you're on! But I'll want to see you've hit your pull-up goal or bench-press goal (or whatever his next goal is) before you go pulling out any engagement ring!"

If it were him pressuring you to lose weight and eat healthier just on your own, and if he was tying the engagement ring to a weight loss goal HE had set for you, or if you have the sense he would not propose to you unless you reached a certain weight, I'd be encouraging you to take another look at your relationship.

But since a healthy weight and diet seem to be goals you both are seeking and you both are working on together, I'm thinking this guy walks the walk with you - that he will be by your side and encouraging you whenever you set new goals or have to meet new challenges. If you are uncomfortable with him setting incentives tied to weight loss or numbers on a scale, you could let him know you'd rather have incentives tied to performance goals (longer or faster runs, etc.)
 

junebug17

Super_Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Jun 17, 2009
Messages
12,507
I've thought about this for a bit, and I've come to the conclusion that I don't really care for the this incentive program he's got going on here. Although, up to now and just going by what you have written in your post, it hasn't bothered you until he used a proposal as the incentive, so I may be off-base in my criticism. But, idk, he may mean well, but I don't think doing something nice together should hinge on you losing weight. As tammy said, what happens if you don't reach the goal? And to base a proposal on weight loss comes across as particularly bad. I'm sorry, I don't mean to be harsh and your bf may have good intentions, but there's just something degrading about it. You should lose weight and get toned because you want to, not because you will receive a prize for doing so. Others have mentioned he may be joking, but I don't think so, since he has offered various incentives in the past.

I'm glad you let him know it bothered you, and I hope he backs off on offering you incentives for losing weight. As I said, he may mean well, but it just seems wrong and sends the wrong message.

ETA: In his defense, I guess since you have never seemed bothered by the previous incentives, he figured you wouldn't be upset by using the proposal as a motivation. but he definitely crossed a line on that one, and as I said I'm glad you let him know.

Also, I'm an older woman and I have a 22 year old daughter, so my response is based on how I would feel if her bf said these things to her. So my response may be colored by my maternal instinct! :cheeky:
 

swingirl

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Apr 6, 2006
Messages
5,660
junebug17|1319388176|3045936 said:
I've thought about this for a bit, and I've come to the conclusion that I don't really care for the this incentive program he's got going on here. Although, up to now and just going by what you have written in your post, it hasn't bothered you until he used a proposal as the incentive, so I may be off-base in my criticism. But, idk, he may mean well, but I don't think doing something nice together should hinge on you losing weight. As tammy said, what happens if you don't reach the goal? And to base a proposal on weight loss comes across as particularly bad. I'm sorry, I don't mean to be harsh and your bf may have good intentions, but there's just something degrading about it. You should lose weight and get toned because you want to, not because you will receive a prize for doing so. Others have mentioned he may be joking, but I don't think so, since he has offered various incentives in the past.

I'm glad you let him know it bothered you, and I hope he backs off on offering you incentives for losing weight. As I said, he may mean well, but it just seems wrong and sends the wrong message.
I agree, but unfortunately you have gone along with his "incentive" program up until now. I find using affection (dates, dinners, weekends together) to be a degrading reward. Your company alone, whether you are fat or skinny, should be HIS reward. Your reward for losing weight should be---that you lost weight for yourself.
 

LJL

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Sep 22, 2011
Messages
538
Oddly, I'm gonna be understanding here. I think guys say things that come out wrong and they have NO idea because they just arent girls. Incentives ARE a good way to lose weight and while most people do them for themselves, its not necessarily bad that hes doing them for you (then someone else has control over the incentive and you only worry about the weight)..

I really think it was an innocent statement. You said you talked to him and he apologized so I would just say its over. I think it was wrong to hold the engagement ring over your head cause I think it is more "sacred" than little trips/dinners/etc but I also think he had no idea. I can easily see this as being something my SO would do and only realize how horrible it sounded after when it got explained back in girl terms.

FWIW, If my SO said that all it would take was 30lbs to get me that ring... that would be a hell of an incentive!
 

PositivelyPeanut

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Aug 31, 2011
Messages
132
Based on what you said, I don't think he meant it how it sounded and would give him the benefit of the doubt since that is what he said as well. Guys say stupid things without thinking (actually, we all do, but they do more... :þ). I think if he really had a problem with your weight and was holding out the ring for that, he would've said it when you confronted him. I think he was just following the pattern that had been set and he took it too far without realizing it. (I'm with the others that the date night stuff isn't great either. Make up a new reward system that isn't dependent on you receiving love or time from each other -- those should be automatic and unconditional.)
 

Porridge

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Oct 27, 2008
Messages
3,269
It doesn't sound like he meant anything bad by it. I think it's just that he's excited that you're doing so well and is trying to encourage you. I'd say, in typical man fashion, he'd be shocked if the implications of what he said were pointed out to him!

I would tell him if it upset you, I'm sure he'll take it back immediately, I doubt he meant to hurt your feelings. I'm sure he loves you no matter what size you are.
 

MissStepcut

Brilliant_Rock
Premium
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Jun 29, 2011
Messages
1,720
madelise|1319336186|3045713 said:
Lol, honestly, If you were telling him you wanted to anyway, and he's just offering extra "push", I wouldn't think twice of it.. But my boy's mentioned losing weight for a proposal, and I just laughed at him. Lol. I said, w/o a wedding to plan, I have no incentives, so better hand over a rock first!
Wow... maybe you just didn't give enough context, but that sounds like an even bigger problem than OP. Have you gained a lot of weight recently?
 

tuffyluvr

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Mar 24, 2011
Messages
1,339
I'm sure he didn't mean it in a hurtful way, but I would have taken offense to it, for sure. My boyfriend tells me that he thinks I'm beautiful, hot and sexy all the time, but I was in amazing shape when we met and I haven't been as diligent about keeping in shape as I should. I have gone up about two sizes and I'm not feeling very good about myself. Recently my guy pointed at a photo of Gisele in a bikini and said "looks like you when we first started dating". I remember how good I felt when I was in such good shape, and the photos show how good I looks, it just makes me disappointed in myself for losing my motivation to stay in good shape, and it hurts my feelings when he makes light of it.

As a woman it's almost impossible not to be hypersensitive about ones weight
 

gem_anemone

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Jun 21, 2011
Messages
682
I've only been with my FI for 3 years. Maybe after 7 you start to commincate, differently or more "open" or something, but personally I would have dumped my SO if he ever said anything like that to me. That's quite possibly why I am 31 and never been married/engaged before now. I have dumped guys for much less. :wink2:

Please don't think I'm telling you to dump your man (I'm not), but I think the two of you should be on the same page about weight issues and what are acceptable and not acceptable ways to approach the subject before you further your relationship. My two cents. Good luck!
 

Glitz

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Jun 28, 2010
Messages
292
jessib11|1319335120|3045698 said:
if I lose 5 more kilos I will get my engagement ring. It didn't worry me when he said it, but now I feel a bit bummed about it.
My response would be "well when YOU lose 10 kilos I might consider saying yes!", it's not good that you're feeling bummed about it, I would dish it right back to him, maybe he'll realize that his playful words can be hurtful.
 

Seattle SC

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Jul 27, 2010
Messages
108
I think I'd be in the catagory of being pretty ticked off if my BF said this to me. Granted it's been a combination of me being sensitive about my weight, and having to wait a long time to even get the ring process going, but it seems like an obsurd proposal of incentive. Maybe boys are stupid and insensitive, but those are boys, and I prefer to be marrying a man. By the time I'm ready to be with someone for a lifetime, I'd hope he'd have enough brainpower to not blurt out something along those lines. Sure the incentive sounds nice, but I'd be far more concerned that he'd be inclined to reconsider if afterwards you gained the weight back (and then some).
 

Porridge

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Oct 27, 2008
Messages
3,269
I think this would be an entirely different scenario if you hadn't expressed a desire and were working towards losing weight for yourself. If you didn't think your weight was an issue, and he said this, then I would tell him exactly where he could shove his 5 kilos and run far away. But seeing as (it seems?) this is something that *you* want to do *for yourself*, it's coming across to me like he's just, in his misguided male way, trying to encourage you.
 

mjertl

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Jun 9, 2011
Messages
203
Glitz|1319467460|3046563 said:
jessib11|1319335120|3045698 said:
if I lose 5 more kilos I will get my engagement ring. It didn't worry me when he said it, but now I feel a bit bummed about it.
My response would be "well when YOU lose 10 kilos I might consider saying yes!", it's not good that you're feeling bummed about it, I would dish it right back to him, maybe he'll realize that his playful words can be hurtful.
Seriously - "when you bench press 40 more lbs maybe I'll consider saying yes!"

My BF and I joined a gym about a month ago. He is not overweight, but wanted to get back into lifting to feel better/healthier/have more energy. I AM overweight and have some back problems due to a weak (ahem, pathetic) core - it's the thing I dislike about myself most. But one thing I have always loved by BF for so much is the fact that he has found me beautiful regardless. He supports my weight loss goals and motivates me, without making me feel like his love or perception of me is contingent upon me changing. Honestly, my real motivation these days is that I want to be healthier so that he and I can spend more blissful active years together, because I know I don't need to be hotter for him to love me! If he made me lose weight to get my ring, I'd chop off his nuts :saint:
 

TwinkleStar

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Jan 8, 2011
Messages
109
Getting healthy for yourself or even as a team is awesome. Honestly, though, I'd probably get more depressed thinking about losing weight in order to get engaged than getting motivated! What if your weight loss plateaus (as it often does in those long stretches)? He does sound like he loves you a lot, but hearing that would probably bum me out a bit and make me grab a nice pint of ice cream.
 
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