Leave sparklies at home for holidays with DH''s fam?

[LizzieC]

So DH and I will be spending the holidays with his friends and family in his home country. Last time I spent the holidays with them, 2 years ago, a surprising number of his friends made it clear (to me, not to him because he''s somewhat clueless about this sort of thing) that they have issues with me because I am: #1 American, #2 Texan. Very clear. I''m fine with the fact that they don''t particularly like me...they''re half a world away and have little to no impact on my life. Though I must say that I do think it is a bit ridiculous... I mean, come on, they''d just met me... I''m a nice girl!

. To be clear, his immediate family is super nice and friendly and I love them, so I''m not talking about them.

Anyhoo, since last time I was there, we got engaged, and then got married, and now I have my uber-lovely wedding set. It''s nothing over-the-top by American/Texan standards, but I get the feeling that it might be considered over-the-top over there. Since we''re traveling a long way and will be traveling around while we''re over there, I think that I have a legitimate reason to leave the bling at home. As much as it would pain me to be without my sparklies for a few weeks, I kinda feel like I''d rather just not deal with it. Even though I certainly don''t view jewelry in this way, I think that "big" or "showy" jewelry is probably a stereotypically American (and Texan) thing. I just don''t want to incur any additional negativity.

Brought this up to DH today and he didn''t like the sound of it at all. He said it''s up to me, but that it''s going to be obvious why I''m not wearing my jewelry and that it''s going to look weird. I told him that nothing good is going to come of me wearing it over there, except the personal happiness I get out of staring at my rings.

Any opinions?

 

[diamondfan]

There are lots of threads that are similar to this and I cannot recall what the overall consensus is...

Where are you going?

To be blunt, I say tough you know what about them, wear it and be proud, but as for travel, if you feel at all uncomfortable, that is a different issue to me. I love my ring, but honestly there have been times I have left it at home for various reasons. But, 40, I have learned I earned my bling and if someone else has an issue, I try not to make it mine. My own sister is snide about it, among other things, so I know what you are talking about, but if you own it it becomes your problem too.

 

[poptart]

If it''s really going to make you feel uncomfortable, then don''t do it, but I think your husband makes a valid point. If wearing your wedding set that he bought you offends them that seems like it is more of their problem than yours, and it is going to show that you are kind of intimidated by them, which I don''t think you need to be (of course I don''t know the ENTIRE story). Do what makes you feel most comfortable, I just know I wouldn''t be able to part with my wedding and engagement rings at all (horrible, I know!).

 

[LizzieC]

Diamondfan- we''re going to NZ/Ausi. I haven''t really had to travel very much with the jewelry yet, but I do think that being unable to clean my rings the way I''m used to might really bother me (I''m a JewelJet and ultrasonic every other day sorta gal).

poptart- It''s not that I''m intimidated... I don''t intimidate easily

, it''s that I just don''t don''t want to deal with the hassle. But I understand how it might look that way. If these were people I had to see on a regular basis, then I''d definitely wear the jewelry. But since I see them once every couple of years, I feel like it''s not as important that I hold my ground, you know? I do love my jewelry, and I would definitely miss it!

 

[kcoursolle]

I think I might wear just diamond band or just a plain band. You definitely need to show that you are married, but I can see your point about them not taking the jewelry thing well. I don''t wear jewelry in front of my family for similar reasons.

 

[movie zombie]

wife of an aussie reporting in: wear your rings.

don't take it personal that they don't like you because you're american and a texan at that....most NZ/AU citizens have a lot of world political awareness and in my experience transfer their dislike of a certain american from texas to those of us that are often within their range. i have found, though, that i don't have much of a problem because 1-i'm from california and 2- dislike the same texas american they dislike. however, being an american means i've still been brushed with the same tar that they have attributed to that texas american politico.

additionally, they had no problem letting you know of their dislike of you. they are a rather upfront group of people which i rather like. takes the pressure off and i can be equally myself [translate that to wearing jewelry that no one ever sees in AU] when i visit with hubby's family in AU.

wear what you like and don't let their opinion change you.....you'll be trying to change everything and be flip flopping all over the place to try and please people that may never be pleased.

movie zombie

 

[poptart]

Date: 10/11/2006 10:44:06 PM
Author: LizzieC
Diamondfan- we''re going to NZ/Ausi. I haven''t really had to travel very much with the jewelry yet, but I do think that being unable to clean my rings the way I''m used to might really bother me (I''m a JewelJet and ultrasonic every other day sorta gal).

poptart- It''s not that I''m intimidated... I don''t intimidate easily

, it''s that I just don''t don''t want to deal with the hassle. But I understand how it might look that way. If these were people I had to see on a regular basis, then I''d definitely wear the jewelry. But since I see them once every couple of years, I feel like it''s not as important that I hold my ground, you know? I do love my jewelry, and I would definitely miss it!

Well, maybe you could just wear your wedding ring and not the engagement ring. When push comes to shove that might be easiest just to avoid hassle, like you said. I get that -- dealing with critical people is never fun, especially when you are supposed to be on a vacation!

 

[monarch64]

I think you should just wear your rings.

When I introduced my DH to my family when we were dating, they immediately made assumptions about him. #1: he was Italian. (half, but that didn''t matter to them) #2: he was from Chicago. So I''ve had to listen to little digs about him being Mafia for the last 5 years now. And ya know what? I just listen...don''t comment...because I really don''t care. He''s a good man, takes good care of me, and we have a great marriage (which is more than I can say for some people who are related to me.) My mother has never owned a diamond in her life, and neither she or my father even COMMENTED on my 1.5 RB e-ring when they saw it, or ever since then. It''s like they don''t even see it. To them, I think it''s that they think it is a waste of money (although I grew up in a small town in the largest house there was that they could buy when they moved there--6,000 sq. feet of brick gorgeous-ness on a 7 acre lot in the middle of 65 acres of farmland and woods).

Don''t you worry about your rings or the effect they have on other people. Other people''s reactions are based on their own b.s. and experiences they''ve had in life, and if they can''t be happy for you, don''t worry about it--it''s not your problem.

 

[Sparkster]

I''m going to get shot for what I''m about to say but here goes.....

A lots of Aussies think of americans as being loud, brash and ignorant (espcially of world current events). If it doesn''t happen in America then American''s don''t kow or dont'' care. Whether or not this is the case, that is the view of most Aussies of Americans. They see the US as the big bully - especially now with George Bush in control.

BUT - there are also a lot of us who don''t give a damn where you''re from - as long as you''re a good person. You are who you are and if narrow minded people don''t like you then stuff them. Wear your jewellery with pride.

Have a great time during your trip.

 

[LizzieC]

Date: 10/11/2006 11:20:02 PM
Author: movie zombie
wife of an aussie reporting in: wear your rings.

don''t take it personal that they don''t like you because you''re american and a texan at that....most NZ/AU citizens have a lot of world political awareness and in my experience transfer their dislike of a certain american from texas to those of us that are often within their range. i have found, though, that i don''t have much of a problem because 1-i''m from california and 2- dislike the same texas american they dislike. however, being an american means i''ve still been brushed with the same tar that they have attributed to that texas american politico.

Yeah, I know that it''s not really about me and that it''s actually about that other Texan, but I just find it so unreasonable. This is a bad analogy, but I can''t imagine meeting an Iraqi in the US circa 1999 and the first words out of my mouth being, "oh, you''re from Iraq, why don''t you explain Saddam Hussein to me? You know we all think you''re crazy," which is literally what people said to me. Maybe it''s my Southernness coming out, but I guess I was just expecting a little bit of hospitality. At least this time I''ll be prepared... last time it caught me off guard which is probably why I found it so disconcerting.

wear what you like and don''t let their opinion change you.....you''ll be trying to change everything and be flip flopping all over the place to try and please people that may never be pleased.

I don''t like the sound of that, and that''s truly not my style, but it really is only for a short amount of time... so I think maybe I should suck it up. Oh I don''t know...

movie zombie

 

[LizzieC]

Date: 10/11/2006 11:24:16 PM
Author: poptart
Well, maybe you could just wear your wedding ring and not the engagement ring. When push comes to shove that might be easiest just to avoid hassle, like you said. I get that -- dealing with critical people is never fun, especially when you are supposed to be on a vacation!

Argh, the downside to the notched wedding band! Can''t be worn alone. I do have a plain white gold band that I would probably wear.

 

[diamondfan]

Lizzie, do you think if you wear them the people will treat you worse? I would just wear them and be nonchalant about it, not making it a biggie. I hate when you have to do things like that. I hid for years all my bling and purses etc from my mother in law, and finally decided to stop, it made no real difference anyway...she thought what she thought even if I showed up in sackcloth and ashes because she had formed her erroneous view of me and nothing was going to change it...

 

[LizzieC]

Date: 10/12/2006 12:01:06 AM
Author: Sparkster
I''m going to get shot for what I''m about to say but here goes.....

A lots of Aussies think of americans as being loud, brash and ignorant (espcially of world current events). If it doesn''t happen in America then American''s don''t kow or dont'' care. Whether or not this is the case, that is the view of most Aussies of Americans. They see the US as the big bully - especially now with George Bush in control.

BUT - there are also a lot of us who don''t give a damn where you''re from - as long as you''re a good person. You are who you are and if narrow minded people don''t like you then stuff them. Wear your jewellery with pride.

Have a great time during your trip.

Yeah, I understand where it comes from... DH also used the "big bully" analogy to explan it to me. And I''m sure if they got to know me they''d ease up with the attitude. But truthfully they''re not going to get to know me... my interactions with these folks as a whole are not very extensive and they won''t be on this trip either. It''s going to be a couple of parties, including a party/"reception" his parents are throwing for us to celebrate our recent wedding, and maybe a couple of nights out with a smaller group of friends. The rest of the time will be with his fam, who I don''t have a problem with, or rather, who don''t have a problem with me.

I probably do need to adjust my own attitude about the whole thing too. I am expecting the worst and maybe it won''t be that bad, but I know if I go in there on the defensive, it''ll definitely come across badly. *Sigh* I didn''t realize how much I was dreading this trip. Ugh, it''s such a shame because it''s such a beautiful part of the world.

 

[Kaleigh]

If I were you Lizzie, I''d go ahead and wear them. Who cares what they think?? You can''t please everyone. Wear them and enjoy them on your trip. If you don''t wear them then maybe they will wonder why you aren''t wearing them. Just be your fun loving gracious self, if that''s not enough, well..... Ya know my answer to that!!!

 

[mia15]

Hi Lizzie,

off topic here, but your dog is adorable!

Ok, that said, I'm of the opinion that you should wear your rings. I truly don't believe it'll make much difference. People who are determined to judge you will judge you based on things you can't begin to imagine, however you may try. I know we've all had these experiences where people made assumptions and when they come out and say why, you think "What???!!" Truly, it says much more about them than it does about you. (And you certainly shouldn't have to play the role of an ambassador of our current ruling political party, whatever other people expect!)

I just looked up your ring and it's lovely and romantic.

 

[LizzieC]

Date: 10/12/2006 12:19:31 AM
Author: diamondfan
Lizzie, do you think if you wear them the people will treat you worse? I would just wear them and be nonchalant about it, not making it a biggie. I hate when you have to do things like that. I hid for years all my bling and purses etc from my mother in law, and finally decided to stop, it made no real difference anyway...she thought what she thought even if I showed up in sackcloth and ashes because she had formed her erroneous view of me and nothing was going to change it...

I think it''ll draw negative attention and maybe make them think that my DH got stolen away to the other side of the world by a materialistic American Texan. I guess my concern is that they already started with this negative perception of me based on the geography of my birth and residence, and showing up with the diamonds might reinforce their negative view rather than diminish it.

Truth be told, I think that last time around, I was caught so off guard by the negativity that I really didn''t actively try to present myself in the best light either. I kept mostly to myself and counted down the days till we got back to friendlier waters. (Once again must emphasize this was not with his family). So I feel like I have the odds stacked against me already, why make things worse by throwing diamonds into the mix?

 

[movie zombie]

"Yeah, I know that it''s not really about me and that it''s actually about that other Texan, but I just find it so unreasonable. This is a bad analogy, but I can''t imagine meeting an Iraqi in the US circa 1999 and the first words out of my mouth being, ''oh, you''re from Iraq, why don''t you explain Saddam Hussein to me? You know we all think you''re crazy,'' which is literally what people said to me. Maybe it''s my Southernness coming out, but I guess I was just expecting a little bit of hospitality. At least this time I''ll be prepared... last time it caught me off guard which is probably why I found it so disconcerting."

on the other side of the pond, ''southern hospitality'' has a different meaning: they''ll ask you anything because they''d ask each other anything.

you have to do what makes you comfortable....but once you get there without your rings, you won''t be able to change your mind. and i for one would wear them before i''d put them in a checked bag. my bag was opened between sfo and toronto in september...i found a homeland security note saying they''d done so and thanking me for understanding the necessity. i wouldn''t put anything of value in any checked bag as anyone could remove anything at any time. and the flight from US to AU is LLLLLOOOONNNNGGGG as you well know. i guess you could wear them on the flight and then take them off once you get there.........at least you''d have the option of whether to wear them on any given day.

movie zombie

 

[LizzieC]

Awww emeraldlover, thanks for the compliments on both the rings and the doggie! On that happy note I''m signing off and heading to bed!

 

[movie zombie]

Date: 10/12/2006 12:40:06 AM
Author: LizzieC

Date: 10/12/2006 12:19:31 AM
Author: diamondfan
Lizzie, do you think if you wear them the people will treat you worse? I would just wear them and be nonchalant about it, not making it a biggie. I hate when you have to do things like that. I hid for years all my bling and purses etc from my mother in law, and finally decided to stop, it made no real difference anyway...she thought what she thought even if I showed up in sackcloth and ashes because she had formed her erroneous view of me and nothing was going to change it...

I think it''ll draw negative attention and maybe make them think that my DH got stolen away to the other side of the world by a materialistic American Texan. I guess my concern is that they already started with this negative perception of me based on the geography of my birth and residence, and showing up with the diamonds might reinforce their negative view rather than diminish it.

Truth be told, I think that last time around, I was caught so off guard by the negativity that I really didn''t actively try to present myself in the best light either. I kept mostly to myself and counted down the days till we got back to friendlier waters. (Once again must emphasize this was not with his family). So I feel like I have the odds stacked against me already, why make things worse by throwing diamonds into the mix?

my husband''s family/friends feel the same way: i think they have a hard time accepting that their son/friend made a life for himself elsewhere. they also assume that he makes boat loads of $$$$. doesn''t matter that i was self-sufficient and had my own home.....i had to be after his $$$$. as i''ve gotten to know them better, i''ve found they have been after his $$$$......

wear the rings on the plane, wear them around his family, but take them off around his friends if you''re more comfortable doing that.

however, it seems you''re more worried about their feelings than yours.

movie zombie

 

[diamondfan]

I guess then I would say, since it is NOT his family and you are, in life, unlikely to spend tons of time with them, wear them PROUDLY and the hell with them. (but that is just me!)

 

[poptart]

Date: 10/12/2006 12:40:06 AM
Author: LizzieC

Date: 10/12/2006 12:19:31 AM
Author: diamondfan
Lizzie, do you think if you wear them the people will treat you worse? I would just wear them and be nonchalant about it, not making it a biggie. I hate when you have to do things like that. I hid for years all my bling and purses etc from my mother in law, and finally decided to stop, it made no real difference anyway...she thought what she thought even if I showed up in sackcloth and ashes because she had formed her erroneous view of me and nothing was going to change it...

I think it''ll draw negative attention and maybe make them think that my DH got stolen away to the other side of the world by a materialistic American Texan. I guess my concern is that they already started with this negative perception of me based on the geography of my birth and residence, and showing up with the diamonds might reinforce their negative view rather than diminish it.

Truth be told, I think that last time around, I was caught so off guard by the negativity that I really didn''t actively try to present myself in the best light either. I kept mostly to myself and counted down the days till we got back to friendlier waters. (Once again must emphasize this was not with his family). So I feel like I have the odds stacked against me already, why make things worse by throwing diamonds into the mix?

I thought you said you weren''t intimidated?

Since the wedding ring alone doesn''t work, then I vote for wearing your rings! Clearly your husband isn''t ashamed of you wearing them, and he''s an Aussie, too, right? If he really thought it would be an issue he would have agreed that you shouldn''t wear them.

 

[galeteia]

Murffle, mummph, smmork. *translation*: Man, this lemon pie is goood!

My advice to you is be as upfront with them as they are to you. Er, and if you yourself have any, um, ''issues'' with said fellow Texan, you might want make that clear if they start in on you. I frequently dealt with anti-English hostility when living in Quebec, and I always deflected it by pointing out that I was acutally Scottish, and no more a fan of the historical behaviour of the English any more than the French were. If they still looked unconvinced, I asked them if they''d seen Braveheart.

Worked like a charm.

Luckily for FF, most Canadians around these parts have ''Canadian Politeness'' to live up to, so he didn''t have to deal with what you did, past some jibbing at parties.

Hopefully this time around people will get a chance to see the real you, and you''ll have more fun! I, personally, would be too anxious to leave bling at home (instead of a deposit box at the bank) but if you''ll feel naked without it, I say wear it and be danged with what anyone says.

Good luck!

 

[katebar]

LizzieC as an Aussie who has a fair bit to do with US vistors I would say wear your rings with pride because and I am going to generalise here we like people to be themselves and true to who they are. Most of my friends would be saddened if they thought someone from the US was anguishing over this and worried that wearing some gorgeous bling could be taken in a negative way so go ahead and wear them.
On thing that might help you is to undertand a bit about the Australian character. Some of us (and of thinking of the males) like to take the "mickey" out of someone. That means they like to have a laugh at your expense and if you are new to this it can seem offensive rude and negative. This is a form of larrikin Aussie humour and this type of cheekinessor irreverance and thats what a larrakin is is part of Australian culture. Now I don''t actually like this form of ''humour'' but I grew up with so I just shrug it off now but I can appreciate that if this is what your DH relatives and friends are doing it would make you feel uncomfortable. But try not to personalise it too much. Of course if these people are just downright nasty and horrible still wear your rings with pride and rub it in their bitter faces that you DH loves you and has been generous!

 

[Julian]

Well, you certainly know best! Maybe you could bring them but not wear them around family? I know I would miss mine so much!

But you might be surprised. When we got engaged, we flew back to see DH's mom. And I was a little insecure about showing her the ring at first. But she was SO happy for us that the ring was like the icing on the cake! She loves it.

She was actually PROUD of the fact that DH did so well on the ring. At family dinners when we were newly engaged, she actually pointed out the ring to relatives and said proudly that her son did a good job. It was so cute.

So maybe you could be pleasantly surprised? I mean, it only shows your FI's GREAT taste in jewelry and the fact that he loves you & can provide amply for the family... Is that so bad?

Edited to add: Hey, they don't know how lucky they are! Texans are some of the best & proudest Americans I know!

 

[Lord Summerisle]

Date: 10/11/2006 10:13:29 PM
Author:LizzieC
a surprising number of his friends made it clear (to me, not to him because he''s somewhat clueless about this sort of thing) that they have issues with me because I am: #1 American, #2 Texan. Very clear.

Could be worse.





You could be a Pomm.... diluting their prescious bodily fluids...

 

[sumbride]

Date: 10/12/2006 1:00:37 AM
Author: Galateia

My advice to you is be as upfront with them as they are to you. Er, and if you yourself have any, um, ''issues'' with said fellow Texan, you might want make that clear if they start in on you. I frequently dealt with anti-English hostility when living in Quebec, and I always deflected it by pointing out that I was acutally Scottish, and no more a fan of the historical behaviour of the English any more than the French were. If they still looked unconvinced, I asked them if they''d seen Braveheart.

Worked like a charm.

As a fellow Texan, may I suggest you use Galateia''s advice to remind people that the "world-hated Texan" is ACTUALLY from Connecticut. I do that all the time. People go "oh... yeah, guess he is..."

 

[lumpkin]

If it would upset your husband for you not to wear your rings, I would wear them. You have to live with him, after all, not the people who were rather rude to you before. Your first loyalty is to him above all other people.

As for the others, if any direct comment is said, tell them, "This is what my husband selected for me. I''m proud to wear it. It''s a shame you showed the bad form to make a derrogatory comment about it." Then turn and walk away.

As for the rest, you know what kind of person you are. Unfortunately, there will always be someone who doesn''t like you, for reasons that don''t have anything at all to do with you personally, and nothing you can do will change that. I have found that to be true in my life, and it is always painful. Much easier to understand in your head than in your heart, but try to keep that perspective. I understand how hard it will be to be "trapped" away from home with no escape!!! It does sound kind of thrilling, though. Stick with friendly faces and around family and I hope you have a much, much better time than you are anticipating.

 

[pearcrazy]

Eh, they already don''t like you. Why try to kiss up now? I say wear your rings proudly, the way your DH intended them. I think he needs to have a talk with his friends and make it clear that you are his wife now and they just need to get over whatever chip is on their shoulder about you. They can''t make a generalization about you because of where you were born.

See, I thought this thread was going to say that you were worried about a famiy member stealing your rings while you were there. That''s the problem I have with my DH''s family. He has an aunt with a gambling addiction. She stole my MIL''s wedding set and some other jewelry during a Christmas party once (according to my MIL, another family member tipped her off). I''ve been warned not to take my rings off or leave any expensive jewelry around. Sad huh?

 

[littlelysser]

Lizzie - I can definitely relate.

My FI is Dutch - and his entire family lives in Holland. When his parents were here visiting a few months back his mother repeatedly commented on the size of my ring - and how in Holland no one wears diamonds, blah blah blah.

Although I love my ring, I was feeling a bit self-concious, but decided I loved it and I''d wear it anyway.

FI''s Aunt and Uncle came to visit - and his Aunt went out of her way talking about lovely my ring was and how much she loved it - and showed me some of her jewelry. And guess what? She had a diamond ring.

I guess the moral of my story is - just because you met a couple jerks that don''t have nice things to say - don''t let that take away from the love of your LOVELY stone. There may be some other folks that really like it.

Be you.

 

[LizzieC]

Date: 10/12/2006 12:58:02 AM
Author: poptart
I thought you said you weren''t intimidated?

Since the wedding ring alone doesn''t work, then I vote for wearing your rings! Clearly your husband isn''t ashamed of you wearing them, and he''s an Aussie, too, right? If he really thought it would be an issue he would have agreed that you shouldn''t wear them.

Touche, but I still wouldn''t classify it so much as intimidation as my feeling like "screw you guys, I''m going home." They didn''t bother to get to know me, so I sure as hell wasn''t going to bother to get to know them. I wasn''t scared of them or anything like that, and wouldn''t say that I even had my feelings hurt. Rather, I was just annoyed by it all. I also kept quiet about it all because I didn''t want to raise a fuss to DH about it at the time, sicne these are his friends of many many years, and we were only there for a short amount of time.