Keeping the proposal secret can bring other issues to the table

[ringshopper2008]

I have a question for you ladies -

Let's say you're a guy, and you're planning to surprise a proposal. Meaning, she knows that you are headed in that direction and that you are going to propose - but she doesn't know if it will come this year or next year.

With that said, you just spent a healthy amount of money on a ring, and she does not know that. She brings up how she wants to go on vacation/etc this summer, and you cite the fact that you've already been away once this year - but in reality you are concealing the real reason why you don't want to spend anymore money.

I am somewhat starting to wonder if I have to spill the beans, because she is growing frustrated with my reluctance to spend money lately. This includes other things which I have reduced somewhat due to this expense (less dinners out, etc). I think as we move towards the next step, we are going to have to reduce those things anyway for other things, so I don't really see reducing our spending as a bad thing. It's just a matter of selling it.

 

[surfgirl]

Tell you you''re trying to save for a ring. That should shut her up

 

[iheartscience]

Date: 5/21/2008 8:25:32 PM
Author: surfgirl
Tell you you''re trying to save for a ring. That should shut her up

DITTO! She probably won''t say another word once you let that "slip"!

 

[Blair138]

I agree-tell her you are saving for a ring-"honesty" is the best policy

 

[kimberlina13]

AMEN to that! Same thing happened with my fiance and me when he was starting to scrimp and save. I would whine about always having to stay in on the weekends and one day he simply asked if I would rather have nice dinners out/trips or a ring sooner. Yeah, that shut me up good.

 

[ringshopper2008]

Date: 5/21/2008 9:28:07 PM
Author: kimberlina13
AMEN to that! Same thing happened with my fiance and me when he was starting to scrimp and save. I would whine about always having to stay in on the weekends and one day he simply asked if I would rather have nice dinners out/trips or a ring sooner. Yeah, that shut me up good.

thank you everyone! This sounds like exactly what is happening. I guess I will have to spill the beans to avoid hearing about how we stay in too much lately and how we aren''t going away this summer!

 

[sklingem]

This cracks me up ... LOL ... I agree that telling her may be a good way to go. You could also just say: "I am trying to save money for something that you may really enjoy" ... not as direct but I think that it would still do the job!

 

[KCCutie]

If she doesn''t know weather it will be this year or next maybe you just need to hint to her that it could be sooner. Girls are much better at taking a hint than guys are. Just a hint that you''re saving for something sparkley would shut me up really quick!

She probably thinks that since guys live in "guy time" chances are it will be coming next year, and if you let her know that you''re even thinking about it now she''ll put 2 & 2 together. Then the surprise won''t be ruined b/c she''ll just be guessing what you''re up to.

 

[PostIt]

The second I knew my BF wanted to propose, I got serious LIW syndrome and drove him nuts several times. I think that if you tell her what you are planning, then you might have a LIW on your hands, and that might be more aggravating than her wondering why you aren''t going out. How about some inexpensive activities instead? Cook her dinner at home?

 

[Guilty Pleasure]

Don't tell her you bought the ring already. Just tell her that you are wanting to start saving for a ring pretty soon. This way, she'll still be surprised at how soon it comes and will also understand the money. It will put the bug in her head and get her anticipating the engagement.

 

[gwendolyn]

I would just say you were saving, and if she asks why, just tell her it''s for something you think she''ll like. Then her brain will probably start steaming from being in overdrive trying to figure out if it''s a ring or if she''s reading too much into it. That''d be me in her position, anyway.

 

[Pushin40]

I have an idea - ASK HER TO MARRY YOU NOW!

 

[LegacyGirl]

Date: 5/22/2008 12:20:42 PM
Author: Pushin40
I have an idea - ASK HER TO MARRY YOU NOW!

Hahah that would work.

 

[Dreamgirl]

Ringshopper- Aw, I don't know about telling her because you originally wanted it to be a surprise. Because of the fact that she wasn't even involved in the ring shopping process, I would still keep it a surprise. So she knows it will come but doesn't know when, this is my situation. And Id rather not really know exactly "when" he will ask me, I just know it should come within a general time (this is very general, somewhere within a year and a half to three years from now) And Im fine with knowing that.

If you tell her you are saving up for a ring, then she may end up looking into rings and find something other than that beauty you bought for her.

I agree with Rob and Gwen on maybe telling her that you are saving up for something she will like. But then again, if it were MY boyfriend I'd start bugging him on what is it he is saving up for. (Im real bad at knowing there is a surprise coming and wanting to know what that surprise is NOW! I'd rather be blindsided with a surprise, but that's just me)

Honestly, you could just tell her that "the economy" is really bad right now with everything being so expensive. Why cant you stay close to home and pass on vacation this summer since you have already gone on a vacation once already. And that you would like to just save quite a bit of your money up for "the future." That's what I would tell her if I were you.

 

[ringshopper2008]

Thanks everyone for the advice- I appreciate it. I think she has been getting frustrated due to us either not going out as much anymore, or me turning ideas down because of the cost. I will add more later but I have to run!

 

[neatfreak]

Date: 5/23/2008 6:54:03 AM
Author: ringshopper2008
Thanks everyone for the advice- I appreciate it. I think she has been getting frustrated due to us either not going out as much anymore, or me turning ideas down because of the cost. I will add more later but I have to run!

Most definitely hint to her that there is a darn good reason and it involves something sparkly. She''ll get the picture VERY quickly and shut up about it.

 

[Rhea]

My BF told me that he realised that he couldn't afford the ring quite yet. It shut me up. And was true, he couldn't afford another ring because he'd just bought one.

 

[ringshopper2008]

Ok so I wound up saying that I am saving for a ring - didn't tell her when it's coming, nor did I tell her that I actually already bought it. The spending money topic has come up way too frequently lately for me to continue to not say anything. I think she felt a little bad at 1st when I explained my reasoning for not spending a ton lately, because she has been giving me a very hard time about vacations and dinners out... we'll see though. Hopefully this cures it.

 

[anchor31]

Good luck!

 

[Independent Gal]

Good move! She''ll still be surprised when you ask her sooner than she thinks, but now she''ll keep quiet.

Anyway, if she wants to go out to dinner or take a holiday, she can always pony up herself and take YOU out!

Seriously, though, it may be worth sitting down with her and talking about how since you hope that you will soon be a family together, other spending priorities may come up, and tell her some of the other things you''re hoping you can save for together. It''s a good idea to start these conversations about money and priorities early on if you''re going to be happy together, since different spending priorities is one of the biggest causes of marital strife. So starting to communicate about it now can''t do anything but help!

Keep us posted! How long are you planning to wait before you ask her?

 

[ringshopper2008]

Date: 5/24/2008 11:01:09 AM
Author: Independent Gal
Seriously, though, it may be worth sitting down with her and talking about how since you hope that you will soon be a family together, other spending priorities may come up, and tell her some of the other things you''re hoping you can save for together. It''s a good idea to start these conversations about money and priorities early on if you''re going to be happy together, since different spending priorities is one of the biggest causes of marital strife. So starting to communicate about it now can''t do anything but help!

Keep us posted! How long are you planning to wait before you ask her?

Very good points - I agree with you. We have sat down together and put down a rough draft of our combined budget. She generally agrees with me in how we have our spending allocated. So I don''t think it will be a problem. The biggest difference between us is that I have had to work for every dime I have, whereas she is very fortunate to come from parents who do very well, and can therefore assist their children with some of the major expenses. I don''t fault her for that, but I do think that it gives us a different perspective on spending and saving. She does a great job at saving though, so I can''t really complain.