Jumping the gun

[Diamond Confused]

So when I first got engaged I told one of my friends I wanted her to be a bridesmaid. I kind of said that only because I had said that to her once when I was drunk. Now in retrospect there is someone else who I want to be a bridesmaid. She is my sister''s best friend and I''ve known her since I was 3. She''s been like a sister to me.

I am paying for all bridesmaid expenses and so I don''t want someone just because. What do I do? Can I renig? I haven''t mentioned any bridesmaid stuff to my other friend since I announced my engagement.

 

[sammyj]

I kind of did the same thing

. I have since changed my mind because she''s very much a me-me-me friend and it''s not something I want/need on my wedding day. I haven''t asked any of my bridal party yet and I plan on asking the one friend to do a reading during the ceremony instead.

Can you incorporate your friend in a different aspect? Was she drunk too...would she even remember that you had mentioned something?

 

[meresal]

The fact that you're having to ask, then I'm going to assume that this friend that you initially asked is definitely under the assumption she will be a BM.
I may be in the minority here, but I don't think it's ok.

My FI is having an issue with this right now, and I told him the same thing I'll tell you. If you are fine with the drama it will cause and possibility of losing a very dear friend, then by all means. Switch them. FI has decided to resolve the issue by asking the Usher, he wishes could be a GM, to sing during the ceremony instead of switching out one of the original GM. (and yes, we are paying for everything as well)

There are MANY other ways to incorporate a good friend into the wedding. Can you have your sisters BF do a reading instead of being a BM?

ETA: Is there any specific reason you don't want this girl to be a BM anymore, or is it just that you want your sister's BF more?

 

[Diamond Confused]

I wish, but she definitly remembers

 

[meresal]

N/M

 

[CNOS128]

Yeah.... I told a friend before I got engaged (and after a bottle of Malbec) that she''d be a bridesmaid, because once upon a time she was a great friend, and also because she kind of backed me into a corner by asking me flat out if she could be a bridesmaid. I''m bad at saying no.

Then, when I did get engaged several months later, she assumed that she would be a bridesmaid and apparently told a lot of people that she would be. And then I didn''t ask her. Now she''s mad at me. (We''re not actually having bridesmaids/groomsmen, just siblings). I know I didn''t do the right thing, and I feel bad that she''s upset. But on some levelI''m okay with that, because she''s turned out not to be a very good friend (and I think it was inappropriate of her to ask me if she could be my bridesmaid).

So, I guess the moral of the story is, if you un-bridesmaid someone, you have to be prepared for her to be quite angry with you.

 

[bee*]

ooh that''s kind of a tough situation if she remembers you saying it. Is there anyway you could take her aside and explain to her what your situation is?

 

[violet3]

I am sitting here thinking about how hurt my feelings would be if someone had asked me to be a bridesmaid and then changed their mind. I think i would be really sad, and quite honestly i am completely over being a bridesmaid as i''ve been one numerous times before, but my feelings would still be really hurt.

I do not think it is OK to de-bridesmaid someone, period. I think you should add another bridesmaid, or give the sister''s friend somethiing else to do, like the other ladies suggested. It''s just not worth the hurt feelings that it will cause, and the potential resulting drama IMO.

 

[sunnyd]

Date: 4/24/2009 3:36:12 PM
Author: TheBigT
Yeah.... I told a friend before I got engaged (and after a bottle of Malbec) that she''d be a bridesmaid, because once upon a time she was a great friend, and also because she kind of backed me into a corner by asking me flat out if she could be a bridesmaid. I''m bad at saying no.

Then, when I did get engaged several months later, she assumed that she would be a bridesmaid and apparently told a lot of people that she would be. And then I didn''t ask her. Now she''s mad at me. (We''re not actually having bridesmaids/groomsmen, just siblings). I know I didn''t do the right thing, and I feel bad that she''s upset. But on some levelI''m okay with that, because she''s turned out not to be a very good friend (and I think it was inappropriate of her to ask me if she could be my bridesmaid).

So, I guess the moral of the story is, if you un-bridesmaid someone, you have to be prepared for her to be quite angry with you.

Same thing happened to me...sorta. Once upon a time (like 6 years ago) my once close friend decided she would be my MOH. At the time, yeah sure whatever. Now, she''s MOH in name only because we''re not close at all.

I couldn''t tell her no. Oh well...

FI was just taken out of the BP of his best man who''s getting married before us. They turned it into just siblings (also like you T!

). FI was very understanding, plus their party was big. It went down from 4 to 1 per side.

So in short, you could do it if you''re ready for backlash.

 

[sammyj]

Date: 4/24/2009 3:33:04 PM
Author: Diamond Confused
I wish, but she definitly remembers

Hmmm...in this case I don''t think you can de-bridesmaid her either. But really, it depends on her and the relationship the two of you have. If you feel comfortable having a conversation with her about your decision change (along with possible repercussions), then by all means, go for it. It''s your wedding.

(FWIW, in my situation I had made a passing comment 6 months before we actually got engaged and our friendship definitely goes through lulls although I love her dearly.)

 

[NakedFinger]

Ok, I am going to be the odd ball here and say if you dont want her to be a BM then dont. Ugh...wedding are all about politics, its so annoying. You always have to "invite this person cause they invited me" or "well if I invite this person then I have to invite that person because they'll be mad" blah blah blah lol

. I am all for doing what makes you happy, and forget about being "PC".

In all seriousness though, just something to remember......you bridal party are meant to be people that you love dearly, are special to you, and couldnt possibly imagine them not being next to you up there when you say your vows. Think of it this way, when you look over, will you be happy to see this person there or not? And would you be more unhappy not to see the other person there?

If you "undo" it.....is it messed up? Yes. Will she be upset? Yes. But will you be more upset if this other person isnt a bridesmaid? If the answer to that is yes, then you know what to do...

 

[wannaBMrsH]

Hmmm...I''ve been on both sides of the fence and I will tell you that once you ask someone, it creates very harsh feelings if you take it back.

Two of my friends and I went to college together (many moons ago) and immediately after graduation, E got married and asked V and me to be in her BP. Wedding was beautiful and we all vowed that we would be bridesmaids in each others weddings. Believe it or not, we are all still friends two years ago when V got married. V asked both E and me to be in her BP, which quickly ballooned completely out of control. Both E and I talked about it and offered V the chance to back out and she did. V and I are still very good friends because I was sincere in my offer. E couldn''t believe that she backed out and hasn''t spoken to V since the day of her wedding.

Now that I am getting married, I had it much easier because first we are having a DW and even though both have said that they will attend, neither has actually booked their travel and second because we made it very clear that we are having only our siblings stand up there with us.

I don''t want to go through the same thing again and I would hate to be in E''s position of looking through her wedding pictures years later to see the face of someone you no longer speak to! 10 years from now, I will still love my brothers and sisters and FI''s!

 

[honey22]

Yeah, I agree. If you really don''t want her to be BM, then come up with a good reason why in case you need to tell her, and then maybe involve her by asking to do a reading or something else. When it all comes down to it, it''s your day and you need to be comfortable with your decisions.

 

[diamondseeker2006]

Saying it when you were drunk a long time ago doesn''t really count in my book. But mentioning it again after you were engaged means it would be very bad to uninvite her now.

 

[galvana]

Date: 4/24/2009 4:13:18 PM
Author: NakedFinger
Ok, I am going to be the odd ball here and say if you dont want her to be a BM then dont. Ugh...wedding are all about politics, its so annoying. You always have to 'invite this person cause they invited me' or 'well if I invite this person then I have to invite that person because they'll be mad' blah blah blah lol

. I am all for doing what makes you happy, and forget about being 'PC'.

In all seriousness though, just something to remember......you bridal party are meant to be people that you love dearly, are special to you, and couldnt possibly imagine them not being next to you up there when you say your vows. Think of it this way, when you look over, will you be happy to see this person there or not? And would you be more unhappy not to see the other person there?

If you 'undo' it.....is it messed up? Yes. Will she be upset? Yes. But will you be more upset if this other person isnt a bridesmaid? If the answer to that is yes, then you know what to do...

I second this............tough one yes - but - its your day, do what YOU want.

 

[noelwr]

I think you should keep her as your bridesmaid. consider it a good lesson going into marriage: only say what you mean! otherwise how is your hubby ever going to be able to trust you?

find a different role for your other friend. maybe she can be master of ceremony. you can explain to her why you already have a bridesmaid and then she can see you stay true to your word.

 

[Dannielle]

Date: 4/24/2009 4:13:18 PM
Author: NakedFinger
Ok, I am going to be the odd ball here and say if you dont want her to be a BM then dont. Ugh...wedding are all about politics, its so annoying. You always have to ''invite this person cause they invited me'' or ''well if I invite this person then I have to invite that person because they''ll be mad'' blah blah blah lol

. I am all for doing what makes you happy, and forget about being ''PC''.

In all seriousness though, just something to remember......you bridal party are meant to be people that you love dearly, are special to you, and couldnt possibly imagine them not being next to you up there when you say your vows. Think of it this way, when you look over, will you be happy to see this person there or not? And would you be more unhappy not to see the other person there?

If you ''undo'' it.....is it messed up? Yes. Will she be upset? Yes. But will you be more upset if this other person isnt a bridesmaid? If the answer to that is yes, then you know what to do...

I couldn''t agree more.

 

[mrscushion]

Don''t think you can de-BM her. I would follow meresal''s and incorporate your other dear friend into the wedding as a reader/singer/what-have-you.