I''ve Been Banned!

[PrincessLily2009]

This is only partially LIW related, so bear with me.

BF lives 50 miles away. This translates to approximately one hour by car each way.

I was never fond of his mother, although she SEEMED fond of me at first. We got along fine for a year or so, and then all of a sudden she became more and more critical of me, until she "banned" me from their home a few months ago. I''m not exaggerating-I am literally "not allowed" inside the house. Unfortunately, BF lives with them, and since my house is an hour away, this has proved to be a bit of a problem.

Since someone will probably ask exactly why I was "banned," I''ll try my best to explain what happened. When I came over, I would make small talk with her, but I''m not a talkative person, and I am extremely private about the details of my life. According to her, I was disrespectful because I didn''t talk to her, and that''s why I''m not allowed to visit them, anymore. I really don''t understand why she''s saying I didn''t talk to her, because I did, but it really doesn''t matter to me at this point.

Anyway, I feel that if BF really views me as his future wife, he should try to rectify the situation. He claims he''s tried to talk to her, but she''s not the kind of person who can be reasoned with-she''s the "it''s my way or the highway," type. She ALWAYS gets what she wants-no matter what. Everyone who lives with her is too scared of her to go against her. Even her own father (who lives with them, too) is too scared to speak up for himself.

Personally, I feel like if he really views me as his future wife, he shouldn''t allow me to be treated this way. I offered to get a place with him, but he doesn''t want to move out of their home. No, we wouldn''t be millionaires, but we wouldn''t end up starving on the street, either. Frankly, I''m a bit hurt that he wouldn''t be willing to tighten his belt a bit to get us both out of this situation. He''s shown interest in moving in with me for awhile-I know it''s not a relationship thing. He just doesn''t want to do it.

I would never allow my family to treat my significant other this way. I don''t know what to do. Help!

 

[Indylady]

"I would never allow my family to treat my significant other this way."

His mom isn''t under his control; there is no such thing as ''allowing'' her to behave that way. She is, and she will, and it is her home and she''ll do what she wants.

How old are you guys?

I think that there are other solutions besides moving in with SO; moving in together is a pretty big deal, and I can understand why he''d be timid about it. Are there any other solutions that you can think of to ''fix'' things with SO''s mom? Give her a call? Explain to her you''re a private person and didn''t mean to offend her. Have you tried this already? I think it will sound more sincere than SO trying to tell her the facts for you.

 

[trishy]

can you write her a letter maybe to try to reconcile things?

 

[D&T]

I would be furious, and I would have a good talk with the BF, also a letter sounds like a good idea too or a card and maybe some treats, and sometimes, just explain to her in a card that its just your nature and you show no disrespect to her at all. Its just maybe miscommunication.

 

[brooklyngirl]

This is a rather unfortunate situation, however, if your SO is unwilling to move out of his parents home at this time, you two will have to deal. I don''t think this is your battle to fight, but rather your SO''s, so I wouldn''t do anything in your position.

If you guys are serious enough that you plan to marry eventually, then his mother has shot herself in the foot when it comes to having a relationship with her son, and future grandchildren. A very drastic step, and not very bright IMHO. I say this assuming your FI is on your side about all this, because if he defers to his mother, then I see where she''s going with this.

Good luck, and I hope things work out for you.

 

[Camille]

Date: 8/15/2009 6:58:22 PM
Author:PrincessLily2009
This is only partially LIW related, so bear with me.

Personally, I feel like if he really views me as his future wife, he shouldn''t allow me to be treated this way. I offered to get a place with him, but he doesn''t want to move out of their home. No, we wouldn''t be millionaires, but we wouldn''t end up starving on the street, either. Frankly, I''m a bit hurt that he wouldn''t be willing to tighten his belt a bit to get us both out of this situation. He''s shown interest in moving in with me for awhile-I know it''s not a relationship thing. He just doesn''t want to do it.

I would never allow my family to treat my significant other this way. I don''t know what to do. Help!

Oh Lily, sorry you''re going through this

it''s clear....he wants to stay with family. If the boy is worth keeping, I would suck it up and patch things up with his ''mother ASAP'' not talking about being fake, just being cordial and respectful it''s her home you know?. No need to be scared of anyone, boys don''t like to be pushed and patience pays off .02

 

[Treasure43]

Date: 8/15/2009 6:58:22 PM
Author:PrincessLily2009
This is only partially LIW related, so bear with me.

BF lives 50 miles away. This translates to approximately one hour by car each way.

I was never fond of his mother, although she SEEMED fond of me at first. We got along fine for a year or so, and then all of a sudden she became more and more critical of me, until she ''banned'' me from their home a few months ago. I''m not exaggerating-I am literally ''not allowed'' inside the house. Unfortunately, BF lives with them, and since my house is an hour away, this has proved to be a bit of a problem.

Since someone will probably ask exactly why I was ''banned,'' I''ll try my best to explain what happened. When I came over, I would make small talk with her, but I''m not a talkative person, and I am extremely private about the details of my life. According to her, I was disrespectful because I didn''t talk to her, and that''s why I''m not allowed to visit them, anymore. I really don''t understand why she''s saying I didn''t talk to her, because I did, but it really doesn''t matter to me at this point.

Anyway, I feel that if BF really views me as his future wife, he should try to rectify the situation. He claims he''s tried to talk to her, but she''s not the kind of person who can be reasoned with-she''s the ''it''s my way or the highway,'' type. She ALWAYS gets what she wants-no matter what. Everyone who lives with her is too scared of her to go against her. Even her own father (who lives with them, too) is too scared to speak up for himself.

Personally, I feel like if he really views me as his future wife, he shouldn''t allow me to be treated this way. I offered to get a place with him, but he doesn''t want to move out of their home. No, we wouldn''t be millionaires, but we wouldn''t end up starving on the street, either. Frankly, I''m a bit hurt that he wouldn''t be willing to tighten his belt a bit to get us both out of this situation. He''s shown interest in moving in with me for awhile-I know it''s not a relationship thing. He just doesn''t want to do it.

I would never allow my family to treat my significant other this way. I don''t know what to do. Help!

I''m sorry you''re going through this situation. My mother sounds quite a bit like his mother and mothers like that can be very difficult to deal with and I understand your frustration completly. However, if he doesn''t want to move out of the house you may consider writing her a letter like others have suggested and explain yourself to her. Perhaps this will ease the tension and you''ll be "unbanned". Is his reasoning for still living with his parents financial? Again it would help if we knew how old you guys were.

All that said, I would let him know how this makes you feel and try to have a calm logical discussion with him and see if the two of you can''t come up with a compromise! Good luck

 

[hawaiianorangetree]

If he doesn''t want to deal with his mothers behaviour and he doesn''t want to move out, i would make him start travelling the hour to you! You will soon find out if he really does think of you as ''future wife material'' when you tell him that since you are not welcome in his home and he doesn''t want to do anything to rectify it, there is no point for you to drive the hour, so he will have to come to you...

If he is your future husband, it sounds to me like this is just the first of many battles to come with your future mother in law, sorry you are having to deal with her like this already, but you really need to make it known that you wont stand to be treated like this, as whatever the end result of this situation is, it will pave the way for all future end results.

Good luck!!

 

[KimberlyH]

I was banned from an ex''s parent''s house (are those apostrophes in the right place?). He wouldn''t stick up for me either (really long story that involved an accident and a coma, he was unable to drive so the only way to see each other was me going to him, and her accusing me of something I absolutely didn''t do and then trying to compensate for her overreaction at a later date by buying me something, but never saying she was sorry). Words can''t express how glad I am that he is an ex-boyfriend.

Do you want to be with someone who won''t stick up for you? Really? And what about in the future, if you get married and have kids? Unless something major occurs the divide is not going to disapate. For me this would be a dealbreaker. Only you know if it is for you, but I hope you seriously contemplate what all of this means to both of you, now and in the future.

 

[LtlFirecracker]

I think this is a big deal and you need to address it with him. If he is unwilling to deal with his mother, and he is unwilling to move out, than he is putting his own wants and his family before you. If you too are going to get married in the future, he has to learn how to put you first. If he can''t do this, you guys won''t have a very happy future together.

You might want to consider talking to him about how this is effecting you emotionally and how is actions are giving you the message that is priorities are not with you right now. In this particular situation, you need to let him know that staying in that house and "not going against his mother" is sending you the message that he will always put her before anyone else, including you, and that you do not want in a life partner.

I think that it is fair to sit a guy down and have a good talk with him about how a situation is affecting you and the relationship before any conclusions are made about his actions. Sometimes guys just need a wake up call to realize how wrong something is. The guys who have no interest in changing things after the wake up call has been delivered are the ones where the potential for a long term relationship becomes questionable.

 

[Indylady]

Date: 8/15/2009 7:57:14 PM
Author: D&T
I would be furious, and I would have a good talk with the BF, also a letter sounds like a good idea too or a card and maybe some treats, and sometimes, just explain to her in a card that its just your nature and you show no disrespect to her at all. Its just maybe miscommunication.

Ditto; talk with BF. A sincere letter with a box of treats might be a nice gesture. She wants to be talked to; it sounds like she just wants some attention from you. And now that she''s ''banned'' you, she''s certainly got it. She''s ''winning''. Beat her at her own game. Give her what she wants, but on your terms. Perhaps schedule a lunch date, so that she gets her ''share'' of you...

 

[jaylex]

I know exactly what you are going through. BF and I are in our early twenties.. well actually, I turned 19 in May... And we both still live at home. BF's mom is just like your bfs mom.. She's very nosey and her idea of me "not talking to her" is her asking me how much my laptop cost and me telling her that I don't really feel comfortable discussing it. She has a lot of issues that I don't even want to go into right now. Just like your bfs mom, it's her way or the highway. She probably would have tried to "ban" me if bf had not told her that he wasn't going to take her treating me that way.

We hardly spend any time at his parents house because we can't stand the way they treat us. We've been together for almost 4 years and his mom understands my place in his life... He has told her that I will be his wife one day and that she needs to accept that if she wants to spend time with us. She also told him that myself and our relationship are his first priority.

It's been much better since he made my place clear to her. We're getting engaged soon and moving out in November!

I think that if he is ready to make that commitment to you, he will REALLY talk to his mother.. but if he's not ready to do that yet, no amount of pushing or begging, or asking from you will make him. If anything, it will cause more problems.

Edit: And I agree with what Kimberly said! Very good points!

 

[Nomsdeplume]

I don''t understand why your SO doesn''t stick up for you.
That''s his responsibility. It''s HIS mom, and you are the woman he loves. He should tell her that she must either accept you or risk losing her son.
He sounds a bit immature (sorry)

 

[gwendolyn]

Date: 8/15/2009 11:18:27 PM
Author: KimberlyH
I was banned from an ex''s parent''s house (are those apostrophes in the right place?). He wouldn''t stick up for me either (really long story that involved an accident and a coma, he was unable to drive so the only way to see each other was me going to him, and her accusing me of something I absolutely didn''t do and then trying to compensate for her overreaction at a later date by buying me something, but never saying she was sorry). Words can''t express how glad I am that he is an ex-boyfriend.


Do you want to be with someone who won''t stick up for you? Really? And what about in the future, if you get married and have kids? Unless something major occurs the divide is not going to disapate. For me this would be a dealbreaker. Only you know if it is for you, but I hope you seriously contemplate what all of this means to both of you, now and in the future.

Agreed, it would be a dealbreaker for me as well.

I can understand that his mother is difficult to deal with, but if he isn''t trying to improve things, then he doesn''t seem to be thinking long-term. And if he isn''t going to try to pave the way for your life together (by saying things to his mother like, "She''s my future wife and the most important person in the world to me, and I want the two of you to get along," then as far as she''s concerned, there''s maybe no reason to try to patch things up with you because she doesn''t know how he feels about you. But the thing is that he can''t just say those words--he''s got to back them up with actions, and you say that he "just doesn''t want" to do those actions. That, hon, would be a dealbreaker for me.

 

[LilyKat]

You have two choices here.

Option 1. Realise that if he won't stand up for you now, regardless of the consequences with his mother, he isn't ready to be in a serious relationship and/or thinking about marriage. For that, you have to be ready and willing to support yourself and to put your partner above everyone else. As he isn't doing that, let him go and see if he cares enough to come after you and make the necessary changes.

Option 2. Decide that you want to be with him in spite of this. In which case, you're going to have to accept his mother's role in his life, and change yourself to deal with it. A sincere letter would be a start, or even an unexpected visit in person with a gift to see her face to face. And then you're going to have to maintain the relationship by going outside your comfort zone - you're going to have to force yourself to talk at length with her regularly, including about personal topics you'd rather not discuss, in order to have her feel that you're respecting her.

It's a tough decision, I know. Good luck.

 

[KimberlyH]

Date: 8/16/2009 5:42:32 AM
Author: LilyKat

Option 2. Decide that you want to be with him in spite of this. In which case, you''re going to have to accept his mother''s role in his life, and change yourself to deal with it. A sincere letter would be a start, or even an unexpected visit in person with a gift to see her face to face. And then you''re going to have to maintain the relationship by going outside your comfort zone - you''re going to have to force yourself to talk at length with her regularly, including about personal topics you''d rather not discuss, in order to have her feel that you''re respecting her.

And remember that if you opt for option 2 it won''t be for a short while. For the duration of your relationship with him you will have to always be the person who goes above and beyond, inspite of your feelings about her, to keep the peace. I have a feeling this is about more than you being private but even if that is all it is, you will be bending over backwards for a long time coming, unless your boyfriend decides to man up. I can tell you from experience, it''s very hard always being the bigger person, especially when you are the younger and supposedly less mature person involved.

 

[ilovethiswebsite]

Yikes...

What a tough situation. Sounds so incredibly immature... Honestly - do you really love this guy? Do you love him enough to have to deal with this terror for a mother for the rest of your life? Because, if you continue dating him, and marry him, you will have to, no matter what. There is no getting rid of a MIL, even if you like 500 miles away, she will always be involved in both your lives. It''s sad he can''t stand up for himself, and for you.

I am a true believer that when you find the right person for you, these problems just resolve them selves naturally... in other words, your man would have stood up for you and made it clear to his mother that her behavior was unacceptable... He would have made it work - no matter what...

 

[LamborghiniGirl]

This sounds awful, and I am sorry you are in this situation!

Regardless of whether your BF will finally stick up for you or not, do you really think you want to have this woman in your life, for a long long time? The fact of the matter is that marriage involves more than just you and your BF-- from the way you described his mom, his family will be very much a part of your life. If she has this much control now, imagine what married life will be like...

Of course if you know this guy is your soulmate, you probably will be more willing to put up with her. But if he thinks you are his soul mate, you would think he would stand up a little more to his mom...

 

[Sharon101]

Date: 8/16/2009 4:34:29 AM
Author: gwendolyn

Date: 8/15/2009 11:18:27 PM
Author: KimberlyH
I was banned from an ex''s parent''s house (are those apostrophes in the right place?). He wouldn''t stick up for me either (really long story that involved an accident and a coma, he was unable to drive so the only way to see each other was me going to him, and her accusing me of something I absolutely didn''t do and then trying to compensate for her overreaction at a later date by buying me something, but never saying she was sorry). Words can''t express how glad I am that he is an ex-boyfriend.


Do you want to be with someone who won''t stick up for you? Really? And what about in the future, if you get married and have kids? Unless something major occurs the divide is not going to disapate. For me this would be a dealbreaker. Only you know if it is for you, but I hope you seriously contemplate what all of this means to both of you, now and in the future.

Agreed, it would be a dealbreaker for me as well.

I can understand that his mother is difficult to deal with, but if he isn''t trying to improve things, then he doesn''t seem to be thinking long-term. And if he isn''t going to try to pave the way for your life together (by saying things to his mother like, ''She''s my future wife and the most important person in the world to me, and I want the two of you to get along,'' then as far as she''s concerned, there''s maybe no reason to try to patch things up with you because she doesn''t know how he feels about you. But the thing is that he can''t just say those words--he''s got to back them up with actions, and you say that he ''just doesn''t want'' to do those actions. That, hon, would be a dealbreaker for me.

I have to agree here. Plus it is absurd to be banned like you are so much trash. Who bans anyone from their home just because???? The Mum is insane and it will always be an issue if you are related.

And I want to also agree with everyone who said he should come to you not the other way around, especially now!

 

[PrincessLily2009]

Thank you so much for all your replies!

As far as our ages are concerned, we''re 21 and 23. Also, I haven''t driven out there since this whole thing began. BF won''t allow it-which he shouldn''t!

I really like the idea of writing her a letter. I ran it by the BF, and he said he''d try to feel her out. He told me he''d never seen her get so upset about something, before, so he wants to make sure she''s calmed down a little bit before we try anything.

What I find really odd is the fact that she still asks him about me, and she doesn''t show any resistance to him driving to see me.

We did come within inches of breaking up when it all started, but he insisted we could make it work, and he''s been driving to my home twice a week ever since. He made a comment several weeks ago about being happier this way.

At this point, I''m not even sure I want to try. She''ll be furious all over again when he gets engaged, and then I''m sure there will be an endless parade of things that agitate her. We had a mini breakup around Christmas of last year, long before this happened, and she was irritated that we decided to stay together. I''m pretty sure she just plain doesn''t like me.

Anyway, thank you so much for all your responses! You ladies are amazing!

 

[Treasure43]

Date: 8/17/2009 8:14:47 AM
Author: PrincessLily2009
Thank you so much for all your replies!

As far as our ages are concerned, we''re 21 and 23. Also, I haven''t driven out there since this whole thing began. BF won''t allow it-which he shouldn''t!

I really like the idea of writing her a letter. I ran it by the BF, and he said he''d try to feel her out. He told me he''d never seen her get so upset about something, before, so he wants to make sure she''s calmed down a little bit before we try anything.

What I find really odd is the fact that she still asks him about me, and she doesn''t show any resistance to him driving to see me.

We did come within inches of breaking up when it all started, but he insisted we could make it work, and he''s been driving to my home twice a week ever since. He made a comment several weeks ago about being happier this way.

At this point, I''m not even sure I want to try. She''ll be furious all over again when he gets engaged, and then I''m sure there will be an endless parade of things that agitate her. We had a mini breakup around Christmas of last year, long before this happened, and she was irritated that we decided to stay together. I''m pretty sure she just plain doesn''t like me.

Anyway, thank you so much for all your responses! You ladies are amazing!

I''m going to tell you a little bit about my mother, because it sounds like you''re frustrated beyond belief with her and maybe it will help. My mother is bipolar and borderline. She''s very controlling and gets extremly jealous when I have relationships and friendships with others. She''s even jealous of my relationship with my stepfather. Basically, any relationship of any kind that does not involve her sends her into a frenzy. I''ve had boyfriends be kicked out, their mothers called at 1am (talk about embarassing), and all sorts of other ridiculouslness. Anyway, I''ve finally gotten to the point where I stand up to her. FI came home with me a few weeks ago and got to see her in full action. We got engaged there and she was happy at first and then livid. Since then she''s been calling me and yelling at me semi-weekly about who should be at the wedding, walk me down the aisle, etc. I have a feeling she would have a lot more of an issue with my FI had I not made it perfectly clear that I will not let her get in the way of our relationship, I love him, and he''s here to stay. However, it took me experiencing various other relationships where I let my mother dictate what I did until I finally said enough is enough and let her know that I will always love her BUT I do have other relationships in my life, yet none of them make her less important to me.

All that said, my FI has been amazing about this and completely understands and puts up with her when she gets in these moods. I''m not sure how similar you future mother in law is to mine but dealing with difficult mothers (or mothers in law) can be completely stressful. I get that you want him to stick up for you (and he should!!!)! I think you need to decide how important he is to you. If he''s "the one", then I''d sit down and have a serious talk with him and let him know that he needs to stick up for you. If he''s not, then only you can decide what to do. It may be hard for him to stick up to her at first but if you two are planning on getting married, then at some point he NEEDS to learn how to do that.

I urge you not to allow the fact that she''ll be irritated with everything when you get engaged deture you, UNLESS you''re not sure he''s the one. I know it sounds like a lot of work but if you really want to be with this guy you two need to have some serious talks, you need to be patient, and he needs to stand up for himself and you!

 

[LitigatorChick]

Date: 8/16/2009 4:34:29 AM
Author: gwendolyn

Date: 8/15/2009 11:18:27 PM
Author: KimberlyH
I was banned from an ex''s parent''s house (are those apostrophes in the right place?). He wouldn''t stick up for me either (really long story that involved an accident and a coma, he was unable to drive so the only way to see each other was me going to him, and her accusing me of something I absolutely didn''t do and then trying to compensate for her overreaction at a later date by buying me something, but never saying she was sorry). Words can''t express how glad I am that he is an ex-boyfriend.


Do you want to be with someone who won''t stick up for you? Really? And what about in the future, if you get married and have kids? Unless something major occurs the divide is not going to disapate. For me this would be a dealbreaker. Only you know if it is for you, but I hope you seriously contemplate what all of this means to both of you, now and in the future.

Agreed, it would be a dealbreaker for me as well.

I can understand that his mother is difficult to deal with, but if he isn''t trying to improve things, then he doesn''t seem to be thinking long-term. And if he isn''t going to try to pave the way for your life together (by saying things to his mother like, ''She''s my future wife and the most important person in the world to me, and I want the two of you to get along,'' then as far as she''s concerned, there''s maybe no reason to try to patch things up with you because she doesn''t know how he feels about you. But the thing is that he can''t just say those words--he''s got to back them up with actions, and you say that he ''just doesn''t want'' to do those actions. That, hon, would be a dealbreaker for me.

I couldn''t agree more. My ex never ever ever would stand up for me. His mommy was perfect and if I had a problem, I had to deal with it. And if I did, mommy and daddy would be quick to complain to their darling son about me. This is a dynamic that will never work. Ever. I can''t stress this enough. Either balls up and stand up for your wife to be (who should be first in your life, above parents!!) or move on.

Sorry if this is harsh, but I have been here, and I should have made it a dealbreaker from day one.

 

[HollyS]

You''re kidding yourself if you think that a woman so controlling that everyone is ''scared of her'', to include her husband, is not going to be a significant factor in why your BF probably will never marry you. She will be the very reason.

She''s made her decision about you. And so, by extension, has your BF. Unless he does a complete 180 in dealing with mommy, and he has told you that he''s unwilling to do so, this relationship isn''t going any further than it already has. Actually, since you''ve been ''banned'', your relationship is regressing, not progressing.

 

[KimberlyH]

Date: 8/17/2009 8:14:47 AM
Author: PrincessLily2009
Thank you so much for all your replies!

As far as our ages are concerned, we''re 21 and 23. Also, I haven''t driven out there since this whole thing began. BF won''t allow it-which he shouldn''t!

I really like the idea of writing her a letter. I ran it by the BF, and he said he''d try to feel her out. He told me he''d never seen her get so upset about something, before, so he wants to make sure she''s calmed down a little bit before we try anything.

What I find really odd is the fact that she still asks him about me, and she doesn''t show any resistance to him driving to see me.

We did come within inches of breaking up when it all started, but he insisted we could make it work, and he''s been driving to my home twice a week ever since. He made a comment several weeks ago about being happier this way.

At this point, I''m not even sure I want to try. She''ll be furious all over again when he gets engaged, and then I''m sure there will be an endless parade of things that agitate her. We had a mini breakup around Christmas of last year, long before this happened, and she was irritated that we decided to stay together. I''m pretty sure she just plain doesn''t like me.

Anyway, thank you so much for all your responses! You ladies are amazing!

I''m a bit unclear, are you considering leaving him, or you satisfied with things as is?

 

[ckrickett]

Date: 8/17/2009 8:14:47 AM
Author: PrincessLily2009
Thank you so much for all your replies!


As far as our ages are concerned, we''re 21 and 23. Also, I haven''t driven out there since this whole thing began. BF won''t allow it-which he shouldn''t!


I really like the idea of writing her a letter. I ran it by the BF, and he said he''d try to feel her out. He told me he''d never seen her get so upset about something, before, so he wants to make sure she''s calmed down a little bit before we try anything.


What I find really odd is the fact that she still asks him about me, and she doesn''t show any resistance to him driving to see me.


We did come within inches of breaking up when it all started, but he insisted we could make it work, and he''s been driving to my home twice a week ever since. He made a comment several weeks ago about being happier this way.


At this point, I''m not even sure I want to try. She''ll be furious all over again when he gets engaged, and then I''m sure there will be an endless parade of things that agitate her. We had a mini breakup around Christmas of last year, long before this happened, and she was irritated that we decided to stay together. I''m pretty sure she just plain doesn''t like me.


Anyway, thank you so much for all your responses! You ladies are amazing!

Your SO is a big boy now, and he wants to do big boy things, and that means ACTING like a big boy. If her "banning" of you in "unwarranted" (and from what I read it is) then he should stand up an say. "I love her, she is the woman for me and I won''t let you stand in the way of my life and my love" But he isn''t because he is scared. The problem isn''t with her. It''s her house, and she can act however she wants, it''s not nice and very rude, but that is the way it is. It is you SO responsibility to handle this, he needs to step up and be a man. Just like if it was Your mom and she had a problem with him it would be your responsibility. Especially if you are planning on spending the rest of your life with him.

Good Luck!

 

[tlh]

You are banned from the house for failing to divulge some information? Something else is coming into play here... and I don''t know what that is. I''m sorry, but I fail to understand. You want someone who will support you above all else. The fact that he is not tells me he is light years away from marriage.
His mother is not the devil. She loves him and wants what is best for him. For whatever reason, she may not think that is you. You''ll want to uncover what this is, to mend your relationship.. because if he is always going to side with mommy... you''re not going to have a successful or happy marriage.

Right now the vibe I get is that you two are in a slowly dying relationship and he doesn''t know how to end it. I am sorry if that is harsh, but that is the vibe I get from your posts in this thread alone. I hope that you two can work through this.

Best wishes.

 

[LostSapphire]

I see red flags all over the field on this one. Sorry.

LS

 

[gwendolyn]

Your boyfriend "won't allow" you to drive out? I am sorry, but in your position, if I didn't just lose this guy because he's letting me fall by the wayside (whether you see it that way or not, he is by not sticking up for you and your relationship), my next impulse would be to try to resolve things like adults--that means sitting and talking it over, together--if not at the family home, then on neutral ground. The two of you, sitting together, holding hands, and telling his mother matter-of-factly that you love each other very much and plan to get married eventually. Then I would say that, since the mother had tried to "ban" me from the house, obviously this news might not be the happiest, but that the two of you want her to be a part of your lives together and, if possible, resolve whatever issue has arisen between the mother and you. You say she just plain doesn't like you--ask why. Maybe the whole thing is just a misunderstanding, and can be resolved. Or, maybe she's just never going to let go of her baby boy. Either way, I think I would want to try (again, assuming I wanted to try to salvage the relationship).

Regardless, if you don't present an united front, there is just no way I can see it working unless you want to be with this man so much that you will allow yourself to be treated like dirt by his family. If he can't stand up for you to come and visit him, how do you think the proposal will go? Wedding planning? When you want to get pregnant? What if you want to move? His mother is treating both of you like children by reverse-grounding you this way, and you're letting her. As long as you both let her treat you this will, she will continue to do so.

No thank you. I am sorry, but I think you need to be brutally honest with yourself when you think ahead to the future.

 

[ckrickett]

Date: 8/18/2009 1:17:56 PM
Author: gwendolyn

Regardless, if you don''t present an united front, there is just no way I can see it working unless you want to be with this man so much that you will allow yourself to be treated like dirt by his family. If he can''t stand up for you to come and visit him, how do you think the proposal will go? Wedding planning? When you want to get pregnant? What if you want to move? His mother is treating both of you like children by reverse-grounding you this way, and you''re letting her. As long as you both let her treat you this will, she will continue to do so.


No thank you. I am sorry, but I think you need to be brutally honest with yourself when you think ahead to the future.

I was thinking the same thing.

If he can''t stand up to his mother now, there is no way he will down the line.

 

[winelover23]

This is going to be brutal but...I have to agree 100% with several of the comments. This is like herpes, it''s not going away! It might get better on occasion but it will always come back with a vengence. OK maybe not the best analogy but I''m speaking from first hand experience. My Ex-MIL (keyword EX) played a HUGE part in the demise of my first marriage. She was all up in our business and DH (D being Dumb) did nothing about it. They always ganged up on me and it was a big fat lose lose situation. I would NEVER marry someone that couldn''t stand up to their Mom when she is clearly in the wrong regardless of whether or not she is his Mom. If she''s wrong, she''s wrong and he needs to stand up for you. He needs to grow a pair and cut the apron strings otherwise I''d strongly advise you to do some serious soul searching.

Sorry hon, I know this isn''t exactly what you want to hear but I honestly would never wish anyone to go through what I went through for 9 years before realizing how much of my life I''d wasted. Not to mention the ego rebuilding you''ll need to recover!