It''s Not Even on His Radar

[TheNextMrsB]

So I haven''t been on the site in quite some time, but I would really appreciate some advice.

The summarized version of the story is that I never asked him when he wanted to get engaged. He brought it up all on his own. Over the course of six months or so, he changed his mind multiple times, and the final time, when he wanted to double the waiting period, I pretty much lost it. We broke up, and it felt like the right decision at the time, but we both felt like it was a mistake, and we''re now back together. I guess it wasn''t such a bad thing-he was finally completely honest with me about how he felt about the future and what he wanted. The downside is that his exact statement was "I don''t know when I want to get engaged. I''m not going to plan it out. It''ll happen when it happens." I always kind of knew that he felt that way, but it still stung a little bit to hear him say the words, especially after he seemed so interested in starting a life with me a few months ago. He knows he screwed up-according to him, he just wanted to make me happy and didn''t think about the long-term consequences. He''s apologetic, but I feel extremely hurt and betrayed, and I''m also dealing with the upset of wanting to get engaged while my partner does not.

Getting engaged isn''t even on his radar, and I''m more ready than ever. Other people I''ve talked to have told me that if I really loved him, I wouldn''t care, and I would wait patiently and happily. Of course that sounds nice, but I can''t help but feel like it''s kind of unfair. I feel as though he wants to make the decision completely on his own while I''m left totally in the dark, and I''m hurt that he has such little interest in a future with me. At this point, I feel like to suck it up and just wait with a smile would be just about impossible. I mean I expected it to be coming in less than a year. I can''t just flip a switch and stop thinking about it.

I do love him, and I know that we would be happy together long term, but if this doesn''t get resolved, it''s going to break us up. I really want to reach some sort of compromise, but I don''t even know where to start. I don''t even know how to talk to him about this. I really just needed to tell someone who might actually understand, and I figured this would be the best place to go. Thanks for listening!

 

[princesss]

Oh, sweetie. I''m sorry you''re going through such a rough time.

I don''t understand why he feels he gets to dictate how the relationship progresses without communicating with you. Engagement isn''t on my BF''s radar, either, but we still talk about it, and about where we see ourselves in the future, and talk about a general timeline for life and how we see each other fitting into it.

It would frustrate me that he''s refusing open communication.

Truthfully, this relationship doesn''t sound very fair to you. Love isn''t always enough, and if you don''t share the same goals and time frame, it may be better for both of you to go your separate ways.

 

[Winks_Elf]

First of all, ((((BIG HUG!))))

Second, I strongly suggest you sit him down and tell him exactly what you just told us. He may not know you feel that way, and he really needs to know. It is possible to love someone very much, but not be in the same mindset as them. You don''t say how old the two of you are, and that could be a factor. If you are both in your young 20''s, this would not be surprising as men seem to mature slower than women. However, if his last relationship was almost a decade long, they lived together, etc., and there was never an engagement, the warning flags are up. But, if he''s in college or just got out, and is just starting a career, this would be understandable. Either way, instead of quietly stewing (also known as "sucking it up"), you really need to tell him how you feel.

Copy what you wrote, paste it in Word, change the parts that need to be changed so that you are addressing him, and print it out. Give him a glass of wine, and tell him to read it. Then you two can discuss it. It might be a good way to break the ice, especially if he really has no clue you are feeling this way. Considering you broke up previously because of the lack of being marriage-minded, it should not really be a surprise.

Good luck!

 

[purrfectpear]

You got back together in spite of his honestly telling you "it''s not on his radar" and that it will happen when HE decides.

There''s really nothing more to talk about. He''s not going to change his mind. It''s HIS timeframe, and it''s HIS decision as far as he''s concerned.

Your post indicates that isn''t what you want. He owed you honesty and he gave you that. The ball is in your court now. Your only choice is to accept things on his terms or leave. There''s no future in feeling badly about it if you decide to accept what HE wants.

We can tell you what we would do, but it is your life and you must be the one to decide. Just don''t get caught up in pining for things as you wish they were, instead of living with things as they really are.

 

[Winks_Elf]

Damn good advice and well stated!

 

[trillionaire]

Date: 12/10/2008 7:17:14 PM
Author: purrfectpear
You got back together in spite of his honestly telling you 'it's not on his radar' and that it will happen when HE decides.

There's really nothing more to talk about. He's not going to change his mind. It's HIS timeframe, and it's HIS decision as far as he's concerned.

Your post indicates that isn't what you want. He owed you honesty and he gave you that. The ball is in your court now. Your only choice is to accept things on his terms or leave. There's no future in feeling badly about it if you decide to accept what HE wants.

We can tell you what we would do, but it is your life and you must be the one to decide. Just don't get caught up in pining for things as you wish they were, instead of living with things as they really are.

I'm with PurrfectPear, but I am a hard liner.

If you break up with someone for a reason, then you shouldn't get back together unless the reason is resolved, or in the works. If not, I agree 100% with her post. However, I have been with my SO for 5+ yrs, and there are a lot of long termers here on the board, so feel free to get comfortable and stay a while!

Good luck!

 

[JulieN]

I think a good rule is that if you''re not ready to breakup, don''t do it...because it won''t work out the way you wanted it to.

There is some difference between engagement not being on his radar, and you as a future wife not being on his radar.

 

[diamondglee]

Date: 12/10/2008 6:57:24 PM
Author:TheNextMrsB
I''m also dealing with the upset of wanting to get engaged while my partner does not.

I think, if true, this line sums it up. The other ladies have said it more eloquently than I could.

 

[*Danielle*]

I had a similar situation. We broke up after getting engaged but realized we do want to be together, just with less pressures. School and full-time work takes a lot out of you.

I agree that just because he isn''t ready for the commitment doesn''t mean he doesn''t want it down the line. I would just give it some time. Enjoy the relationship as much as you can, especially if you do want to spend the rest of your life with him.

 

[Iowa Lizzy]

I''m sorry for what you''re going through right now. It must be hard. Hugs hugs and more hugs!

I agree with what the other ladies are saying. The only thing I can really say is that maybe this would be a good time to enjoy your relationship without any pressure.

When SO and I had been together long enough to determine that we would probably be together for the long haul, I told him he couldn''t propose until spring of 09. I can''t tell you how nice it was to know that the relationship would just go on without worrying about where exactly it was going. Now that we''re getting close to 2009, I''m feeling the pressure of looking at diamonds, and even wedding details. Don''t get me wrong, I do want to get married, but sometimes it''s just nice to float along with no "relationship goals."

Whatever you decide to do, I wish you the best. Keep us informed. We''re an excellent audience for things like this.

 

[bee*]

I agree with PP in that you got back with him even though you knew that the issue wasn''t resolved. On the other hand though, isn''t he only 21? I don''t think that there are a huge amount of 21 year olds with engagement on their mind.

 

[NewEnglandLady]

I agree with the other posters--you need to ask yourself what has changed. He couldn''t give you any idea of when he would be ready, you reached your breaking point and now it''s repeating.

I used to repeat the Einstein quote to myself "Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results".

I think it''s common for people to come back to a realtionship because it''s comfortable and because they WANT for it to be different, even when it isn''t.