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Is weight gain a reason to leave your SO/spouse?

Jambalaya

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There's a lot about this topic on the interwebs, and man, it's a hot potato with very little overlap of opinions.

In the No corner, they say:
No! That is never OK. Your SO is your family. You should love the inside as much as the outside, if not more. How can people be so shallow? Partners should show each other unconditional love. To quote the Bard, "Love is not love which alters when it alteration finds, or bends with the remover to remove/It is an ever fix-ed mark." (Might be misquoting somewhat - I didn't look it up.) Anyone who leaves their partner for weight gain is shallow and never loved them in the first place.


In the Yes corner, they say:
Sex is what differentiates your romantic relationships from all others. People can't help what they find attractive, and if the attraction has gone due to weight gain, the partner who's lost that loving feeling can't help that. If people are going to ask someone to give up all sexual opportunities with all others, it's their duty to stay attractive for their partner and also to look after their health. As one partner online said, "I give my partner the gift of my health and attractiveness. Why can't they do the same for me?" Men are visual and can't help what they find attractive.

Let's assume that there isn't an underlying health or depression issue. One partner simply likes their food and isn't a fan of exercise. Let's also assume that the partner has put on a lot of excess weight.

If your partner put on a significant amount of weight and couldn't lose it because it's just really hard, or because they just weren't motivated enough, what would you do?

I don't think I would leave the person. The quality of the relationship matters much more to me than physical attractiveness, to which I'm not very susceptible. But if they were really overweight, I'd be concerned for their health and would be terrified that they'd die early.

Full disclosure: I'm very overweight and have a BMI of 40-plus. So perhaps I'm biased, but I really don't think weight has a lot to do with the person inside.

But there's a lot of people out there who think the opposite, and in some ways, I can see some of their points. Perhaps it's not reasonable to expect most people to be as attracted to someone with a BMI of over 40 as they would be to someone with a BMI of 20. I can tell you, as a woman of my size, I never get any action. I went on a dating site and as soon as people saw my pictures, they blocked me! :lol-2::lol-2::lol-2: I didn't care. I thought they were silly. I can lose the weight - and I am, since getting diagnosed with diabetes. Such a pity that appearances matter so much.

What do you think?
 

Mekp

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I've been very thin. I've been fat. My husband has fluctuated, too. My weight tends to fluctuate based on a lot of things. Right now I'm heavier, probably due to medications I'm on. Medications I need to be healthy. I'm always very active and eat decently (not perfectly but pretty well).
I wouldn't have a lot of respect for my husband if weight gain was a deal breaker. I don't think that's a healthy relationship.
If my husband were to stop being active and ate to excess, I'd be concerned because that's not like him. Any weight gain would have nothing to do with it. I expect the same from him.
 

redwood66

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I don't think it's a reason to leave. But weight gain can cause issues and IME the issues are mine because of insecurity. I'm 30lbs. overweight and I hate it but I haven't worked at getting it off either. If I caused too much strife because of my insecurity I can see DH, who loves me, getting tired of that which leads to arguments. There is the health aspect as well. I don't think the aesthetic part of weight gain would be the only reason for leaving.
 

canuk-gal

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HI:

This thread is deja vu Jamba. This happened to your friend and you discussed it here, no? Husband left wife due to weight gain?

cheers--Sharon
 

Jambalaya

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Yeah, canukgal that's right. I googled it quite a bit, since I'm obese myself. Kinda interesting to see how some people think regarding this topic. And my friend's situation was an eye-opener. They always seemed to have such a good marriage. Anyway, they did get divorced, and he was a complete asshat to her, but sadly now he has pancreatic cancer, and he's only about 50.

But I just posted about it bc people were saying that Hangout is slow, so I was trying to find topics that might spark discussion without breaking the rules.
 

kenny

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You can start, continue, or end, any relationship (blood or not) for whatever reason you want.
You are in charge.

You don't have to explain or answer to anybody, including yourself.
It's your life.

IMO the people you allow to be in your life comprise one major factor that determines one's happiness, or unhappiness.

Have good people.
Reject the bad ones.
 
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Jambalaya

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You can start, continue, or end, any relationship (blood or not) for whatever reason you want.

Of course. Yes. But the thread is about ending a relationship for a specific reason - weight - because apparently some people do that. What do you think of ending something with someone for that reason? Is it any worse - any less reasonable or more shallow - than ending a relationship because one wants a family and one doesn't? Or because you don't have enough in common?
 

Jambalaya

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I've been very thin and very fat. (Lowest adult weight was 105lbs, at a shade under five feet four.) When I was very thin, I had no boobs. But the opposite sex was MUCH more interested in me than now.

On the other hand, up to about 200 pounds, I still dated a handful of men I was really attracted to. (I'm 230 now.)

Sadly, though, it was much easier when I was very thin.
 

LemonMoonLex

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I'm hesitant to answer because I
don't want to be piled on here, but
It seems like you genuinely would like
to hear from people who have differing
answers so I will share mine.

For my husband & I, I know that
we would stick with each other through
a lot but with most things, there comes a limit,
especially if it's hurting ones health &
quality of life.

Right now we're both very healthy
weights for our age & height & that's important to both of us because we truly
love our outdoor lifestyle. Camping is our favorite thing, kayaking, hiking, rock climbing,
etc. & we all know that when one gains a
over a certain amount that those are no longer safe nor possible.

So my response will be based solely on your hypothetical situation, in which there isn't an underlying health issue that is causing their weight gain & it is simply due to laziness & overeating; I would have a hard time being attracted to him once he gained over a certain amount, not just because of the sexual attraction issue which would surely be present, but because he could no longer participate in the hobbies that I love & we once enjoyed so much at our age. For me with his height this would probably occur at 300lbs.

I wouldn't divorce him immediately, I'd probably give it five years to get him in shape & to see his motivation & drive come back, but If it didn't & he continued to be lazy he would be like a totally different person to the one I married & not one that I could see myself being fulfilled with.

Its a sad fact indeed, but this is something that we've both already spoken about & we both agree that we love being active too much to ever let ourselves get over a certain weight which is healthy for us. I too would understand if he eventually left if the situation I described above were reversed. -Now, if there was an underlying health issue such as depression, or a problem that inadvertently caused weight gain, I know we would both stay. But just weight gain due to excessive overeating & cessation of exercising, that would be a deal breaker for both of us.
 

Jambalaya

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I think your response is perfectly reasonable, Lemon. Different strokes for different folks, and it sounds as if you and your husband are on the same page, which is the most important thing.

But in the hypothetical situation we're talking about, I wonder if you would find that you couldn't let go of him, when push came to shove, bc you love him?
 

LemonMoonLex

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I think your response is perfectly reasonable, Lemon. Different strokes for different folks, and it sounds as if you and your husband are on the same page, which is the most important thing.

But in the hypothetical situation we're talking about, I wonder if you would find that you couldn't let go of him, when push came to shove, bc you love him?

You might be right <3
It really just depends on the situation.
 
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kenny

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Of course. Yes. But the thread is about ending a relationship for a specific reason - weight - because apparently some people do that. What do you think of ending something with someone for that reason? Is it any worse - any less reasonable or more shallow - than ending a relationship because one wants a family and one doesn't? Or because you don't have enough in common?

What others do is none of my business.
However if someone commits a crime, they should be prosecuted.

People vary.
Some are more or less shallow, or more or less-reasonable, want a family, or not.
None of my business.
I don't care what others do.
 

Jambalaya

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OK, so forget about others. How would YOU feel if you were dumped for your weight? Alternatively, would YOU dump someone for becoming a larger size than when you met? How much does bodyweight matter to YOU in a relationship?

If I was dumped for my weight, I think I'd be incredibly upset, knowing that I probably wouldn't do the same.

At least, I don't THINK I would.
 

PinkAndBlueBling

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I've been with my husband for 30+ years. He had a great ass and I had nice legs. Not anymore! :lol-2: We're both chubbier and I'm sure he looks at me sometimes and thinks "yikes." (I still run around naked at home- I don't care!) Bodies change over 30 years, even without weight gain. I stress eat and this past year I ate any carb/sweet I could find! I definitely gained 20 in 2020!

He almost died a couple years ago (was on life support, etc.) so IDGAF about a lot of things like looks anymore. After going through that and the other things life threw our way over the years, leaving because of weight gain would be shallow BS. Yes, we need to eat healthier and be more active. At least it's summer which means more activity for me like swimming.

So, no. I wouldn't dump his fat ass. And he wouldn't dump mine.
 

AllAboardTheBlingTrain

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I’ve been at drastically different weights in my life - was a BMI of 40-41 at my biggest and now hover around BMI 22-23. Looking back at my obese days I definitely had difficulty with certain activities that I now really enjoy, such as hiking. I was also very unhealthy and had gotten many warnings from my doctor about diabetes etc (even though I was in my early 20s and shouldn’t have had those issues so early in life). The person I was dating when my BMI was that high did not mind my weight / weight gain; and was still attracted to me. I dated someone who gained a lot of weight during our relationship - maybe 15-20kg - it didn’t impact my physical attraction to him. So while I don’t think I would break up with a loving long term relationship over weight gain as it relates to pure aesthetics; I wouldn’t judge someone who does - ofc everyone is allowed to have their own dealbreakers.

On the flip side, a very close friend of mine is a huge health nut. She’s a runner and boxer who loves hiking and biking; and works out for at least an hour or so per day. She eats healthy because she likes it, and sleeps early and wakes up early. It’s a huge part of her lifestyle and what she enjoys. She dated a guy for a while who gained a lot of weight in the relationship, and went from joining her on hikes or in the gym to just sitting around on the couch. He also started becoming very insecure about her and the attention she got from other people. From what she told me, she was like that though her physical attraction to him had gone down and the sex had gotten much worse; she loved him enough that it didn’t bother her; but that the fact that he never wanted to do anything but play video games or watch TV; or always called in for fast food because he didn’t like her cooking; or got jealous over her gym trainer or running buddies or boxing partner coupled with the fact that he had been experiencing some troubling health indicators linked to weight but refused to do anything about him or listen to her or let her help or support him meant that she needed to break up with him for her own sanity. If I was in her place I would do the same thing.

I would generalise and say that if a partner takes their insecurities out on you, or if your goals/hobbies/aspirations wildly differ and you can’t come to a consensus; it can often lead to a breakup and it’s no one’s fault.
 

dk168

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No, however, not making sufficient efforts in maintaining a relationship is.

Some may consider letting him/herself go aesthetically is not maintaining an effort, other may disagree. Each to their own.

DK :))
 

Bron357

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Interesting.
I was previously slim and extremely fit. However various medical issues has seen my weight increase quite a bit. I was an 8/10 now a 14/16 (that’s Australian sizing). DH knows it’s not me making poor choices, moreso my body being @#@#.
Though for neither of us was “physical attraction” the driving force of our relationship moreso our mental and emotional connection so I think the basis of your relationship matters.
If a significant part of your relationship is based on physical attraction (no judgement here) I can see how if your partner went from “hottie to blob” it would affect your relationship. Especially if the increase in weight came with the loss of other things from the relationship ie you used to go to the beach a lot, now the partner doesnt want to go, you used to do a lot of hiking or outdoor physical activities and now your partner is on the couch with a tub of ice cream.
My theory with relationships is that you need enough in common to be comfortable while also being different enough to be interesting. So you need to be with someone who loves you for being you while also inspiring you to be the best you you can be and vice verse.
 

missy

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People vary but if a couple were truly in love with each other than I don't see how one would leave the other because of something superficial.

I care that my dh is as healthy as he can be so I can enjoy his company for as long as possible. But his outward appearance is not important to me because to me he is beautiful inside where it counts.

I think he is super handsome on the outside too but that is not why I adore and love him. I am crazy in love with him because he is kind, sweet, generous, funny, smart and all those good things. And to me he will always be as handsome on the outside as he is on the inside. In my eyes he is gorgeous always.

beauty.png
 

Austina

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No, I wouldn’t leave him, but I would try and encourage him in to healthier choices because I don’t want him to die any sooner than he‘s going to. Realistically, as he’s several years older than me, the likelihood is he’ll die first, so I’d do everything I could to help him be around for as long as is possible.

I’m a lot heavier than I was when we met, still within ’normal’ ranges, and he‘s never commented.
 

nala

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Ok. I just recalled that a good friend of mine has gained like 40 pounds since I met her 3 years ago. And she tells me she has no intention of losing weight bc when she does, she is super sexy and is tempted to cheat On her husband! So how’s that for flipping the question! Lol. Her marriage is already troubled as it is so she doesn’t want to expedite its demise. True story.
 

LemonMoonLex

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I’ve been at drastically different weights in my life - was a BMI of 40-41 at my biggest and now hover around BMI 22-23. Looking back at my obese days I definitely had difficulty with certain activities that I now really enjoy, such as hiking. I was also very unhealthy and had gotten many warnings from my doctor about diabetes etc (even though I was in my early 20s and shouldn’t have had those issues so early in life). The person I was dating when my BMI was that high did not mind my weight / weight gain; and was still attracted to me. I dated someone who gained a lot of weight during our relationship - maybe 15-20kg - it didn’t impact my physical attraction to him. So while I don’t think I would break up with a loving long term relationship over weight gain as it relates to pure aesthetics; I wouldn’t judge someone who does - ofc everyone is allowed to have their own dealbreakers.

On the flip side, a very close friend of mine is a huge health nut. She’s a runner and boxer who loves hiking and biking; and works out for at least an hour or so per day. She eats healthy because she likes it, and sleeps early and wakes up early. It’s a huge part of her lifestyle and what she enjoys. She dated a guy for a while who gained a lot of weight in the relationship, and went from joining her on hikes or in the gym to just sitting around on the couch. He also started becoming very insecure about her and the attention she got from other people. From what she told me, she was like that though her physical attraction to him had gone down and the sex had gotten much worse; she loved him enough that it didn’t bother her; but that the fact that he never wanted to do anything but play video games or watch TV; or always called in for fast food because he didn’t like her cooking; or got jealous over her gym trainer or running buddies or boxing partner coupled with the fact that he had been experiencing some troubling health indicators linked to weight but refused to do anything about him or listen to her or let her help or support him meant that she needed to break up with him for her own sanity. If I was in her place I would do the same thing.

I would generalise and say that if a partner takes their insecurities out on you, or if your goals/hobbies/aspirations wildly differ and you can’t come to a consensus; it can often lead to a breakup and it’s no one’s fault.

This is exactly the point and the only reason why I would do so. It would be crushing to not be able to go hiking or camping with him anymore only due to his laxness with his health. I married him partly because of his amazing drive and his matching thrill for the outdoors. If it were anything but I'd stay, but for something that he could change but just chose not to, after years of trying I don't think I could.
 

LemonMoonLex

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Ok. I just recalled that a good friend of mine has gained like 40 pounds since I met her 3 years ago. And she tells me she has no intention of losing weight bc when she does, she is super sexy and is tempted to cheat On her husband! So how’s that for flipping the question! Lol. Her marriage is already troubled as it is so she doesn’t want to expedite its demise. True story.

I would say she's probably not suited for married life if being attractive prompts her to cheat and that is something her & her husband aren't open to. (An open marriage that is)
 

Jambalaya

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That's crazy. She risks her health because otherwise she won't be able to control herself with the opposite sex?? Maybe she was joking.
 

Jambalaya

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And what do you think of the old chestnut that men are more visual than women? True? Or just a way of excusing some men's strong desire for their partners to be thin? (Like my friend's husband. That was a shocker, for sure.)

I do think that if weight gain under the circumstances described in this thread would be a deal-breaker, it should be discussed before marriage.

In fact, I think more people should describe exactly what they want, need, and their deal-breakers, while they're still dating.

Why do we find it so hard to communicate and to ask for what we need?
 

mrs-b

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There's a big difference between gaining 10 lbs, 30 lbs, even 100lbs...and, say, 350 lbs.

If my spouse went from 180 to 280 lbs, I would still love him with all my heart.

But if he went from 180 to 600 lbs - there's so much more at play than weight gain at that stage. At 600 lbs, I'm out, because that's not just wrecking his life - it's wrecking mine, too. I've never seen anyone who was super-super-morbidly obese (BMI greater than 60) who was married to someone living an active, happy, healthy fulfilled life. Our lives are affected by those with whom we live and to whom we choose to attach ourselves. Sooner or later, I'd have to choose to save myself.
 

LemonMoonLex

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There's a big difference between gaining 10 lbs, 30 lbs, even 100lbs...and, say, 350 lbs.

If my spouse went from 180 to 280 lbs, I would still love him with all my heart.

But if he went from 180 to 600 lbs - there's so much more at play than weight gain at that stage. At 600 lbs, I'm out, because that's not just wrecking his life - it's wrecking mine, too. I've never seen anyone who was super-super-morbidly obese (BMI greater than 60) who was married to someone living an active, happy, healthy fulfilled life. Our lives are affected by those with whom we live and to whom we choose to attach ourselves. Sooner or later, I'd have to choose to save myself.

Exactly! Everyone must have a # where it becomes too much? I mean when it gets to the point where they can no longer properly bathe/clean themselves and it's only due to choice and not a symptom of a greater health issue, that would effect the entirety of the relationship.
 

PinkAndBlueBling

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In fact, I think more people should describe exactly what they want, need, and their deal-breakers, while they're still dating.

Expectations and deal-breakers change over time, as do people and relationships. My deal-breakers used to be cheating and if we were an old couple sleeping in separate bedrooms. I figured why bother being married? Well, my husband can't climb the stairs without pain, so he sleeps downstairs. And I enjoy the extra space, tbh.
No one has cheated. I know he adores me. In fact, when he awoke from his coma, one of his first comments was, "I love you more than life itself." That keeps me from killing him when he's annoying. :lol-2:
 

doberman

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This is a big "It depends".

If my spouse no.longer enjoyed doing things we liked to do together because of his weight that could be a problem, likewise if sex was off the table due to weight. If he wasn't actively trying to lose the weight and just brushing off my concerns, then yes, I could see leaving.

But if he was still able to do stuff and sex was no problem with the weight gain I wouldn't leave him although I'd be pretty proactive about bettering his diet, depending on how overweight he was.

I'm a small person with a BMI of 21. Quite frankly I'm more turned off by skinny guys than by guys with a little extra. I dont mind a little weight.
 

nala

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That's crazy. She risks her health because otherwise she won't be able to control herself with the opposite sex?? Maybe she was joking.

No. She isn’t obese tho. Just not her sexy vixen slim self. If anything, she is very attached to the idea of marriage bc I would have left her hubby years ago from what she tells me!
 
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