Is this weird? Would you go?

[lucyandroger]

I posted a while back about my FI's cousin deciding to get married 3 weeks before us, in the same general location (semi-destination wedding at the jersey shore), and same type of wedding (beach wedding). This was really upsetting to us because we were trying to do something different than what had been done in our families before and it was clear to pretty much everyone, including the cousin's own parents that they were doing this because the fiancee was jealous that we had gotten engaged first when they had been together longer (5 years vs. 8 years). Not necessarily the beach wedding at the Jersey Shore part. Maybe that has always been their dream wedding (would have been nice to know this when we discussed possible locations with them) but definitely the timing. I doubt a beach wedding in April (northeastern U.S. weather) has been their life long dream that they desperately had to realize 3 weeks before our wedding after being together for 8 years. The fiancee had definitely been a LIW for a few years now and I think our engagement sent her off the deep end. So...that's the background.

I never said a word to the cousin or his fiancee about being upset. My FI had one conversation with his cousin in which he said that he was disappointed and hurt by what they had done but understood that they of course had a right to get married whenever, wherever, how ever they want to. He hasn't spoken to him since that conversation in summer 2010.

However, several family members were very upset by what the cousin did because it is clear that the cousin knew what he was doing. And it is tough to take days off of work so close together and expensive to give two gifts so close together, and stay in hotels, etc. They did let the cousin know how they felt and apparently there were more than a couple heated discussions.

Everyone attended Christmas as usual but most everyone ignored the cousin and no one asked to see his fiancee's ring or asked about their wedding. In fact, no one talked about either wedding AT ALL. It was the giant elephant in the room. And it was really, really sad because we all deserve to be happy and excited about our upcoming weddings.

We sent out save the dates this fall and decided to go ahead and invite the cousin and his fiancee. We didn't want this to turn into a huge family feud. They didn't send out save the dates but did send out holiday cards and did not include us or my FI's parents. We were told by the cousin's mom (FI's aunt) that we were going to be invited to their wedding and we plan to go for her sake and because a few well-meaning relatives said they weren't going unless we were. We are still close to the cousin's mom - she actually went with us to look at wedding venues before we chose ours and is going to be a reader at our wedding.

But I can't help to think that it is really weird to attend the wedding of someone you REALLY don't like and that has purposefully taken a little bit of fun/ specialness out of your own wedding. Since we're "not talking to each other" does that mean that we don't go and congratulate the bride and groom on their wedding day? And really while I don't wish them bad luck or harm, I'm actually not that happy or excited for them.

I don't know. Sorry this was so long. Anyone have thoughts on the situation? Would you go to their wedding?

[Edited for spelling]

 

[rubybeth]

Hi Lucy! Wow, that's a pretty sucky situation all around. It sounds pretty petty and silly of them to have their wedding so very close to yours. I guess if it were me, I would probably suck it up and go to their wedding (if an invitation is actually sent... who knows, maybe it won't and you'll get out of it that way? ). I would probably 'make an appearance' at the wedding/reception and then leave early. I would probably go more to see other family members and hang out with them, like the aunt you are both close to. Generally there's not much interaction with the bride & groom at a wedding, anyway, basically a handshake/hug and 'Congrats!' and then you go eat, dance, whatever.

But, if you really don't want to go, I think you have a good excuse--people would understand if you can't be in the final stages of your own wedding plans, and if traveling is involved, taking off extra days so close to other days off, etc. I've skipped many of my cousins' out of state weddings because of work/school conflicts. "I don't have enough vacation time saved" is a pretty good reason.

 

[missydebby]

same as above with a thought.... weddings are so wonderful. In the moment you think how beautiful they look and feel so happy for them. Much of the other baggage, in that moment, can wash away. If it doesn't cause you too much hardship, I would go and feel happy for them and fantasize about your upcoming nuptuals. Take the high road. You'll always feel better for it.

 

[lucyandroger]

rubybeth and missdebby - Thank you both for your thoughts! You're right and I guess I know that going to the wedding is the "right" thing to do. It's just so hard to do the right thing sometimes! lol

Good point about not actually receiving the invitation, rubybeth! I could totally see them not inviting us afterall. That would be the best case scenario for sure.

If we didn't have last minute things we need to do for our wedding in the area, we would probably make the excuse of not being able to take off work. I guess that's the one benefit of them getting married in basically the same spot.

 

[sillyberry]

Boo. But on your end it sounds like you've handled everything really well in dealing with them.

If you get an actual paper invitation (not just a word of mouth invite from his mom) I would probably attend the wedding for the sake of family harmony (it sounds like these aren't distant relatives). You go, you smile and say "best wishes" and then you eat and dance with your family. And maybe, you see what doesn't work well at the beach wedding and have time to make changes to your wedding if necessary. Like a scouting trip!

 

[lucyandroger]

Boo. But on your end it sounds like you've handled everything really well in dealing with them.

If you get an actual paper invitation (not just a word of mouth invite from his mom) I would probably attend the wedding for the sake of family harmony (it sounds like these aren't distant relatives). You go, you smile and say "best wishes" and then you eat and dance with your family. And maybe, you see what doesn't work well at the beach wedding and have time to make changes to your wedding if necessary. Like a scouting trip!

Yeah...I guess we'll go if we're actually invited. But maybe leave early. The idea of a big party in honor of them makes me kind of want to gag at the moment.

The family is very close. FI and his cousin were born days apart from each other and lived on the same block for most of their lives.

 

[sillyberry]

I will say one thing that I should have mentioned from the outset - only go if you can go cheerfully. And maybe you can't do that. I totally don't judge you if that's the case - it sounds like they've been big ole brats about the whole thing. But try and make that determination before you accept the invitation. If you're feeling petulant and hostile it will be written all over your face and be awkward and probably cause more tension and gossip than if you don't go at all.

 

[lucyandroger]

I will say one thing that I should have mentioned from the outset - only go if you can go cheerfully. And maybe you can't do that. I totally don't judge you if that's the case - it sounds like they've been big ole brats about the whole thing. But try and make that determination before you accept the invitation. If you're feeling petulant and hostile it will be written all over your face and be awkward and probably cause more tension and gossip than if you don't go at all.

hmmmm...I guess that was my real question. There is no way I can be cheerful. I can definitely be polite, but not cheerful.

Ugh, the problem is if I don't go, then FI won't go. If FI doesn't go, then his brother, an uncle, and an aunt won't go and then there's a chunk of family missing all because Lucy can't be cheerful. Maybe they'll come to their senses and just not invite us.

 

[dragonfly411]

Ok. First of all, I think it's a bit silly to let their childish actions affect your wedding. You can still make your wedding very much your own. I also think FI's entire family is acting a bit childish too. I would go to the wedding, I'd congratulate them, I'd support the cousin because apparently he wants to be married to someone who is jealous and childish. Then I'd go have my wedding. You shouldn't let them affect you so much, and really the family sounds like it needs to do a little growing up. I understand they rained on your parade a bit, but that's not a reason to completely estrange these people. You should enjoy your day because it is yours and is unique and special in it's own ways. They're the ones who will look back and have to remember that they rushed to "beat" you and they copied you. Their day is the one that will be lack luster in their memories because they did it out of pettiness. Better to kill them with kindness.

 

[RebeccaLynn]

I would definitely go to be "the bigger person" -- and I'd be taking mental notes the whole time to be sure that my wedding was the better one

 

[sillyberry]

I will say one thing that I should have mentioned from the outset - only go if you can go cheerfully. And maybe you can't do that. I totally don't judge you if that's the case - it sounds like they've been big ole brats about the whole thing. But try and make that determination before you accept the invitation. If you're feeling petulant and hostile it will be written all over your face and be awkward and probably cause more tension and gossip than if you don't go at all.

hmmmm...I guess that was my real question. There is no way I can be cheerful. I can definitely be polite, but not cheerful.

Ugh, the problem is if I don't go, then FI won't go. If FI doesn't go, then his brother, an uncle, and an aunt won't go and then there's a chunk of family missing all because Lucy can't be cheerful. Maybe they'll come to their senses and just not invite us.

I think Dragonfly is right - this is a lot of unnecessary drama going on! If the relatives really will skip out (which seems rather silly, unless they don't actually much care for the bride and groom and are using this as an excuse), it sounds like you're going to have to go and thus will have to make yourself do it cheerfully.

So how to be cheerful? Well, we all have to do things in our lives we don't really want to do, but if we go into saying we'll have a good time and enjoy the occasion, it's a lot easier to stomach. Use it as an opportunity to catch up with his family so you're under less pressure at your own wedding to have long talks with people. Practice your dance movies with your FI. Focus on the love and use it as a multiplier.

I also think there isn't as much difference between your polite and my cheerful as you might think. You don't have to stand on a table and yell "BEST PARTY EVER!" (although I would laugh if you did) or gush to the bride about how it is the most beautiful and best wedding you've ever been to. All I mean is no sighing, no stink-eye, no ignoring the bride and groom, no telling others they stole your wedding, no leaving in an obvious manner to indicate your displeasure. I've been guilty of some of those things in the past, and the only person who looked bad in the situation was me.

 

[elrohwen]

Go to their wedding, get them a gift, and wish them well. Invite them to yours and be happy when they show up.

Honestly, I would be a little miffed in the same situation, but you need to let it go, not worry about it, and just do what you have to do.

And I, for one, am kind of appalled at how your family has acted by shunning the cousin and his finacee. Everyone needs to simmer down!

 

[marymm]

IF you receive a formal invitation from them, and also IF you are inviting them (and I assume you are) to your wedding, then I say, yes, you should go, and you should be prepared to be happy for them and to show it.

This is a blip on the radar screen of life -- especially if your FI and his cousin used to have a closer relationship, and who knows? could again in the future. It seems like you all live in the same general area and I don't think you really want to cast a pall over future family events and reunions by boycotting this wedding simply because they acted so boorishly with their wedding plans.

[Imagine actually being that couple - how sad to be prompted into marriage b/c of envy and perhaps it is sadder still that their family members are focusing just on that, and not on the happy prospect that they are at last getting married. In a way, it is a backwards compliment to you two that they finally got the gumption to take the plunge - even if they did scoop all your plans.]

If by chance you are not inviting them to your wedding, then I think you have a little more wiggle room if you truly will be unhappy to attend their wedding. But, if it were me, and my FI would go to this wedding as long as I went with him, then based on these facts I would go so I could stand by him and so he could be there at this important event on his side of the family. (These things we do for those we love!)

 

[lucyandroger]

Well, I really can't control how my FI's family treats them. They're certainly not reacting to me. I haven't been honest about my feelings except to FI, my mom, and pricescope. Of course, there's more to the story on their end - feeling like she's pressuring him into marriage and other family dynamics that would take too long to explain. But for example, there are several relatives from out of state that won't be able to travel to both weddings so to be fair, are skipping both.

They weren't shunned at Christmas. Everyone except me and FI said hello to them and then they sat separately away from the main group of people. They made no attempt to socialize with the main group so it's not as if they tried to talk to people who then didn't respond. When I said ignored, I just meant that no one made an attempt to go over to them.

There's definitely a lot of childishness going on with everyone but at the end of the day, they got what they want - to be married first (which I don't care about) and to make my wedding basically a copy of theirs (which I do care about). So, I'll do the right thing and go but there is no way I can actually be happy about it.


ETA - marymm - we were posting at the same time. FI is actually more angry than I am. I was the one telling him we have to take the "high road" which is why he wouldn't go if I didn't. We live in a different state than the rest of the family but do stay close. I do understand that in the grand scheme of things, this isn't very important but we're spending so much time, energy, and money on this wedding, it just feels really crappy to have someone purposely try to take away from that.

 

[lucyandroger]

I really appreciate everyone's posts. I do wish I could just get over this.

 

[Echidna]

I really appreciate everyone's posts. I do wish I could just get over this.

Lucy, I wish I could say something wise to help you "get over it" but all I can offer is sympathy. My FSIL got engaged 5 weeks after us but seems to place a lot of importance on getting married before us. Her original date of choice? One week before ours (i.e. max planning time, but still first). I don't really care about first or last (actually, prefer last!) but the logistics of that would have been ridiculous. She's settled on a date six weeks before ours (fine by us, honestly) but I'm surprise how much residual bad feeling I have about it. Not logical, but I can't help how I feel!

I know your situation is far worse than mine, but you're acting with dignity and that's what matters in the end. Do your best to celebrate with the couple and hopefully it won't be as difficult as you imagine.

 

[marymm]

Lucy - you know what? Now that I've reread this whole thread I am thinking - don't go - you haven't received an invite yet, and when you do, send your kind regrets, send a nice card and wedding present, but do not attend the wedding.

You two have legitimate other prior obligations for those weekends leading up to your own wedding day. Decisions to attend made by other family members are not your responsibility. If you do decide not to attend, as the news gets around and you speak with family members about it, I would focus on the fact that you are unable to attend because of prior commitments - in this case, your own wedding preparations which must be handled in those weekends right before your own wedding - and that you're sending a lovely gift, and leave it at that. It would be entirely proper and suitable to do so. Anyway, that's my new vote.

 

[Prana]

Your weddings will be so different that it won't really matter. I understand why you're upset, but try to realize that the people that matter know what is going on, and that their wedding will reflect their stupidity--trust me, there will be a bad aura lingering in the air on their wedding day. Simply because of the fact that everything they planned and chose was specificaly meant to be a competition.

Don't worry about it (easier said than done, right?).

And as another poster stated, only go if you can attend cheerfully. Otherwise, your attitude will shine through also, and you don't want to stoop to their level.

 

[TooPatient]

I would definitely go to be "the bigger person" -- and I'd be taking mental notes the whole time to be sure that my wedding was the better one

Yep.

And imagine how happy you could look as you take mental notes to avoid the problems they'll have or see little details that look silly or notice little details that are missing or....
Then take advantage of the 3 weeks and make yours even more amazing!


ETA: Just don't tell anyone (except for FI AFTER you've left) what you're grinning about -- just say how happy you are to be celebrating with the happy couple.

 

[PrincessNatalie]

They will feel better if you don’t go, and you will feel better if you don’t, so don’t.

 

[princesss]

They will feel better if you don’t go, and you will feel better if you don’t, so don’t.

I tend to agree with this.

I will say, if you go, think about it this way - you'll get to see a bunch of people that you'll see on your wedding day, but this time you'll actually be able to spend time with them! So if you go, enjoy their company, because when your day finally comes who knows if you'll get to have the one-on-one time with them as a bride that you will as a guest.

 

[yssie]

OMG.

I'm typing this post completely honestly - and without any editing - so...


L&R, I think I know *exactly* where you're coming from. My SIL and her then-fiance decided to have their wedding the weekend before ours about two months before our wedding, which we'd been planning for over a year at that point. They had some time constraints w/ moving abroad for work... but boy, I was still furious, and hurt.

So - ::HUGS:: dear. You're allowed to be angry, and upset. I would be too, esp. since it's supposed to be a similar sort of wedding - and since they look to be being absolute brats about the whole thing! At least my SIL and her DH were profusely apologetic when they understood how upset I was

BUT.. I will also say that as angry, upset, hurt, peeved as I was then (and I admit that I seriously contemplated not going to their wedding) now, five months after two successful weddings - I just truly, honestly don't care, about any of it - we've both moved on to bigger and better things.

My memories of my wedding are happy - and my memories of having her as my bridesmaid are happy. My memories of her wedding are honestly not strong either way. I'm infinitely glad I was the bigger person through it all - that I didn't kick up a public fuss or add to the drama, attended their event and put on my happy face. Because A) I came out looking like an angel, B) guests didn't have to choose - or those that did chose ours, C) they were sincerely apologetic, and really wonderful next weekend. Doesn't sound like (C) will be happening for you, but at least you've got A & B going for you, y'know?

At your wedding I'm absolutely sure that you won't care what happened three weeks, one week, one day earlier - every part of you will be focused on the here and now. And that's all anyone else will be paying attention to as well. As it should be


So - my 2c - go if/when you're invited, wish them well, try to have some fun with your FI. Be the bigger person. Everyone will know you're being the bigger person, which will make you feel better in the short-term, and in the long-term, months from now when you're happily married, you won't give a d*mn about any of this mess - and if you're the bigger person now you'll have a chance to salvage a relationship, if you want to. I think of SIL as family and enjoy chatting with her, and there are no hard feelings left, and I don't know that that would have been the case had FI and I behaved differently.

 

[PrincessNatalie]

Are you inviting her to your wedding? Because if she invites you to hers and you turn up, but then don’t invite her to yours then you will *absolutely not* come off as the bigger person.

Do you even want her at your wedding?

Seriously I would not want her at my wedding and if I were her I would not want anyone at my wedding just because they were “being the bigger person”, and especially if “everyone will know you are being the bigger person”. Who wants someone at their wedding who isn’t happy for them? I really, really wouldn’t. And in this case neither of you are happy for each other.

So I would not attend unless I could be genuinely happy, and if I decided to go, I would attempt to reconcile before her big day. She will not want to look around and see your unhappy face on her wedding day, and you will not want to look around and see her scowling face on yours.

Either reconcile or don’t go.

 

[sillyberry]

I think it is important to remember here that we're dealing with FAMILY. Family doesn't go away. Familial memory lasts a long time.

I think Yssie is spot-on with her advice.

 

[PrincessNatalie]

Well I agree in the case of immediately family such as siblings, but I for one never see my cousins except at weddings, the occasional birthday and funerals. And if one was being a drop kick then I would drop kick her.

 

[sillyberry]

Well I agree in the case of immediately family such as siblings, but I for one never see my cousins except at weddings, the occasional birthday and funerals. And if one was being a drop kick then I would drop kick her.

The family is very close. FI and his cousin were born days apart from each other and lived on the same block for most of their lives.

I'm not sure scheduling a wedding three weeks in advance of another family member is worthy of being "drop kicked." Petty, if the reasons and motivations are truly what we're being told, but to me this isn't an offense worthy of estrangement. Having dealt with family members who no longer speak to one another, for reasons of far more importance, let me tell you it just isn't worth it.

 

[PrincessNatalie]

I am sorry but I dont believe going to someones wedding to "take pointers on what not to do" and "to be the bigger person" is very nice at all, regardless of a falling out. I would attempt to reconcile prior to the wedding, or not attend, otherwise I dont think she is being the bigger person at all.

 

[yssie]

PrincessNatalie -


What is the end goal? The ultimate point?
For L&R to be happy on HER wedding day and in the following weeks/months/years.

Do you really think she could be happy on HER wedding day if she knew that she had perpetuated a whole lot of drama, forced her family to "choose sides", probably alienated a few people? Family - that as sillyberry said, doesn't ever go away?
Do you really think she could be happy on HER wedding day if the drama from three weeks before lingered, and that was all people were talking about?
Do you really think she could be happy on HER wedding day if she wasn't sure if she'd done the right thing by doing what *she* could to make peace?
Do you really think she could be happy on HER wedding day if her thoughts and actions and emotions for the past several weeks had all been geared toward "eye for eye and tooth for tooth" - or drop-kick for drop-kick, to use your terminology?
Do you really think she could be happy two, five, ten years from now, telling new friends and family, her kids about how she and DH had got married, how things had exploded, and how she had been sure to even out all resentments?


...think about it.

 

[lucyandroger]

I'm back...wanted to give the topic a little distance to see if I could gain some clarity. Been reading all your posts. This thread has basically turned into exactly the inner dialogue going on in my head! Will be back to expand on this later.

Just wanted to quickly thank Yssie and Echidna for sharing your similar stories. I can't tell you how much it helps to read. I feel like until something similar happens to you, it's really hard to understand all the emotion involved. I used to kind of roll my eyes at posts like these and think "get over it" and "you only get ONE day" but when there are other dynamics going on and all the emotions of wedding planning...ugh...so thank you!

 

[OUpearlgirl]

20 years from now will you regret it if you don't go?

While it is petty and unfair for them to have done this, is it really worth this much drama?