Is this inappropriate?

[mariewest]

My SO and I have been dating for about 4 years. I think the only thing holding up the engagement is money. We are both in graduate school, so that may be another factor, but it's basically money. SO is determined to propose with a real diamond ring and won't hear about an alternative. To hurry up the process, I was thinking about talking to my Grandmother and asking her about her engagement ring. Would it be inappropriate to ask my Grandmother to have her engagement ring? The diamond would have to be re-set in a different ring setting since I don't really like yellow gold. I like the idea of an heirloom that can be handed down, and then this way SO would only have to purchase the new setting. The only thing that has been feeling kinda bad is because she's still alive and I feel like it may be inappropriate. She is 94 years old, and I would really like her to be around for the actual wedding.

What do you think?

 

[Sparklelu]

I don't think it is inappropriate, but I have a few questions. Has she said the ring will be yours when she passes? Does she still wear it? Is she frail? If the answer is yes, she said I can have it and no she does not wear it then I say go ahead and nicely say, you know nana, you have always said that I will get your ring, and I love how it sparkles, since you do not wear it any more, what would you think of giving it to me now, so that ______ and I can have it as our engagement ring? Then I can wear it all the time and you can enjoy my wearing it AND the excitement of planning a wedding. This spoken from someone who also wears grandmas ring, but got it from my mom on my 40th birthday.

 

[blacksand]

Personally, I don't think you can ask that something be handed down to you. Perhaps if she had promised years ago that she'd give it to you when you were ready to get engaged, and you just wanted to tell her you're ready now. Otherwise, I don't think it's ever really appropriate to ask someone to give you something. I understand the financial constraints, but I'm of the opinion that you have to work within them. There's no shame in accepting gifts if they are offered, but if they aren't, you have to make your own way.

ETA: I also have my grandmother's diamond, but it wasn't her engagement diamond, she has passed away, and I absolutely did not expect to receive it. My parents offered it to me when I mentioned wanting to get engaged. It was a complete shock to me! We did gratefully accept it, but we were planning and saving to buy our own diamond before the offer was made. I really believe you have to be prepared to do things on your own. If help is offered, thank your lucky stars! But don't expect it.

 

[chemgirl]

To be honnest I think it is in poor taste to ask for the ring if she still wears it. Its her engagement ring...I know how I would feel about having somebody take apart my engagement ring (not good!). If she offers it to you then great, I think you can even throw in a couple subtle hints, but I don't think you should flat out ask for it.

 

[that_someone_special]

I think it's really inappropriate.

If you don't have much money for a ring... FYI weddings are extremely spendy too

If you are planning on spending forever with this guy, then.. what's a piece of expensive paper for the time being? Just wait it out. Be smart.

 

[briolette]

I know you mean well and you're being helpful and considerate of financial concerns, but if you SO is adamant about getting you the real deal on his own, he might not want you to wear the diamond from your grandma's engagement ring to begin with. It might be a small blow to his pride (if he thinks it's a great idea, then disregard the above)

I copy the sentiments above. It's up to your grandma to hand you that ring. If it was already promised to you or you know her personality enough to gauge whether or not she would be offended, then go ahead and ask, but if not, I think it is in poor taste, especially if she still wears it.

 

[anchor31]

I definitely understand how you feel, but I have to agree with the others and say that yes, it is inappropriate. If she were to offer it to you, that would be great, but I don't think you should ask for it.

 

[slg47]

definitely inappropriate. what about a smaller diamond ring with a great upgrade policy?

 

[TooPatient]

VERY inappropriate.

IF (and only IF) she has been talking about giving it to you when you're ready (and by talking I mean more recently and not just something to say to a little girl) AND she knows that you would be taking the diamond out and making a whole new ring then I would say that dropping hints that you are about to get engaged but he can't really afford a ring right now would be (if not whiny, pushy, demanding, or expectant) okay.

If you do talk with her, make sure she knows you plan to use just the diamond and make a whole new ring. Give her a chance to change her mind -- imagine yourself in 70 years: would you want someone (even a granddaughter) ripping your e-ring apart?
IF she's still okay with it, you should consider maybe having her favorite gemstone set in her setting and giving it to her as a thank-you.


And..... I agree.
Weddings are terribly expensive so if you aren't in a position to buy a ring then you might just be patient a bit longer so you can afford the wedding. (speaking as someone who's been engaged for 9 months and looking at having another 18 months or so (if lucky) before the wedding because of finances)

 

[amc80]

Ditto. Things like that are given, not asked for.

 

[Jessie702]

Im sorry Marie, but i think its inappropriate for a few reasons-1) You shouldnt ask for something like that, if it is passed down than fine, or even just given because she wants to, thats fine, but to come out and ask her, is not okay in my head. 2)If you ask your Nana, How do you think your SO would feel? Like someone before said, it would probably hurt him and his pride. He wants to buy you a diamond, Men, have this weird thing about wanting a certain thing for their woman, and if the woman steps in, or takes control, it hurts him. In a way, it makes him feel less many, silly as it sounds. Im not saying your SO would feel this way, but a lot of men do. Some are fine with heirloom diamonds are rings, but most arent.
For men, the ring is a symbolm of love, and trust, and yes, money. Ask a man, if he would rather buy a good cut large diamond, or a small excellence cut, color, and calarity, and most men are going to go for the larger, why, because its a wealth image for him. Not saying, he doesnt love you, he does, but when his friends see, he wants them to see the big shiny diamond. Its a man thing...go to any basketball court and see how they react over a dang game, its about showing off. Not saying your so is like that, but thats how it is.
So no, i say dont ask your Nana for a few reason, 1) it might your SO's pride, and you dont want his pride hurt, it might be soemthing he carries with him for a long time, or at least everytime he looks at your ring. 2) it might upset your Nana, because she might want to hang on to her ring, or even be buried with it. If she said it was going to you, maybe ask, but i say no.

 

[mariewest]

Thanks for all your input. I agree with you. When I thought about it, I felt that it would be something that I would be uncomfortable with, but I just thought I would get additional input. My Grandmother does not wear her engagement ring, so it wouldn't be like I'm ripping it out of her hands. She has not promised it to me, we don't discuss her will. But I don't think she would be apposed about the idea, since she is in love with my SO. But I think it should be for her to decide and offer if that is what she wants. I won't bring it up. Thanks.

 

[HaloBelle]

I think you have made the right decision. Also, coming from a girl in a similar situation with the BF wanting to buy the Ering, THE ERING, no upgrades, no fake up front, the permanent reflection of that moment in a ring - He would probably be opposed to this to begin with.

His pride could be killed if you just showed up with a diamond. At the very least, its something that she needs to give to HIM to give to you. Just my 2 cents and I am so glad you have agreed with everyone on the serious inappropriateness of that situation. Lots of dust!!

 

[Glitz]

My Grandma offered me her 1ct oval, but that was after I started talking about the OMC that my SO and I have our eyes on. It's not her e-ring or anything special, it was just a ring she bought for herself, but she said "she bought it with intentions of giving it to me when I get married". My grandmother is a jewellery nut (runs in the family ) and I highly doubt that she bought it with that intention, but it's good to know I can have it if I want it. I also let SO know about the ring, but we're both not fans of ovals.

If I were you I would just talk with your grandma about rings that you and your SO have been looking at, maybe she'll offer it heself .. maybe not. I wouldn't come straight out and ask her though. Does she have any other granddaughters or daughters other than your mom? I would also consider that since it could offend your female cousins. If it's something that you think is really important and sentimental I would maybe discuss it with your mother. If you just want it to be engaged sooner and see this as a temp. ring until you can upgrade I think you have wrong intentions.

 

[Indylady]

I agree that it would be in poor taste to ask for the diamond if it has not yet been offered.

However, if you could come up with a price range, I think we could help find an awesome ring on a budget.

Here's a halo setting that's just under $200 http://cgi.ebay.com/ROUND-5-5MM-SOLID-14k-W-GOLD-VS-DIAMOND-SEMI-MOUNT-RING-/280600128028?pt=Diamond_Solitaire_with_Accents&hash=item4155122a1c and here's a .55 carat OEC for $500 that should fit http://www.goodoldgold.com/diamond/5427/ for a total of $700 give or take a little.

.25 H&A http://www.goodoldgold.com/diamond/7837/ for about $500, a .29 diamond for $260 and a mount for $120 http://cgi.ebay.com/SOLID-14k-WHITE-GOLD-DIAMOND-ENGAGEMENT-SEMI-MOUNT-RING-/180589642200?pt=US_Fine_Rings&hash=item2a0bfb41d8 for a total between $380 to $620. The settings I listed can be customized as well.

That's a pretty preliminary sort of search, but I think with a little more looking you could find something great with for good price. JBEG is also having a great sale, as is BGD. I'd love to help if you need any!

 

[purselover]

I think you made the right decision not pursuing your grandmother's ring. I think it would be a lot of pressure to essentially get your own engagement ring, did you discuss this with your SO at all and how did he react? If you haven't he may be very taken aback. You said you thought money was the only reason you weren't engaged but as Indylady demonstrated rings come in all price ranges. I would be 100% certain money was the only issue before asking for a family diamond. FWIW DH was in law school when he proposed, and he proposed with my mom's engagement ring. He asked her for it himself after he heard her tell me I can have her ring in her will or even earlier if I'd like. She was also the one who suggested we change the setting or even sell it to put towards a different ring!

 

[Winks_Elf]

With tons of rings under $500 on Ebay, including matching vintage wedding sets, asking Grandma would definitely be inappropriate, and I think your other half would be insulted.

Pick out a few rings, send him a "hint" email, and leave it alone. If he really wants to get engaged now, he'll step up. When a man is ready to make the move, he will.

 

[zoebartlett]

I'm with the others who think it's inappropriate to ask.

ETA: Marie -- I just read your update and I think it's good that you decided not to say anything.

 

[Amys Bling]

VERY inappropriate.

IF (and only IF) she has been talking about giving it to you when you're ready (and by talking I mean more recently and not just something to say to a little girl) AND she knows that you would be taking the diamond out and making a whole new ring then I would say that dropping hints that you are about to get engaged but he can't really afford a ring right now would be (if not whiny, pushy, demanding, or expectant) okay.

If you do talk with her, make sure she knows you plan to use just the diamond and make a whole new ring. Give her a chance to change her mind -- imagine yourself in 70 years: would you want someone (even a granddaughter) ripping your e-ring apart?
IF she's still okay with it, you should consider maybe having her favorite gemstone set in her setting and giving it to her as a thank-you.


And..... I agree.
Weddings are terribly expensive so if you aren't in a position to buy a ring then you might just be patient a bit longer so you can afford the wedding. (speaking as someone who's been engaged for 9 months and looking at having another 18 months or so (if lucky) before the wedding because of finances)

I second this post. First of all, it's really up to your grandmother who she gives it to. Are you the only female granddaughter?
Second of all, she may not like the idea of - while still alive- giving up her engagement ring she has been wearing for the past so many years and seeing it changed and taken apart.

IF and only IF she has said she wants to pass it to you- and that she is ok with you changing it- can you casually mention to her that you and SO are talking about engagment but can't afford it now. I dont think you can ask her for it.

Also- if you can't afford a ring- even a small diamond ring (many people start off when they are young and newly engaged w ith a .25-.50 carat ring in simple setting that cost- say 1,000-2,000....) then how will the two of you afford a wedding? Ok, maybe your parents will pay for that, but what about a honeymoon? moving out on your own? rent? bills? food? Maybe your SO is right in waiting to save and buy you the ring himself- the waiting will help with you two gaining financial stability and the funds to get married and start your life together.

 

[mariewest]

I just want to clarify, that my Grandmother does not wear her ring. Although I am not the only female granddaughter my cousins are already married and I am the oldest of the four girls in my family. If anyone should get it, it's me. I use to go out with her almost every week to the movies, to go shopping, run errands, etc. I honestly don't think she will be offended, but as I previously mentioned, I feel awkward to ask, and decided that is not for me to decide. I don't think SO would be offended either, but it would have to be offered by my Grandmother.

I do not live at home, and I pay all of my bills just find. I have already begun to save for a wedding, and will be paying most of it on my own. Nor am I asking SO to buy me anything crazy expensive. I have realistic expectations about our financial situation. SO and I just differ about our timeline, and I originally thought that my having a diamond might make it easier for him, and special to me if it was my grandmothers. Anyways, just wanted to add that since some of the comments

 

[mary poppins]

I agree that it would be very awkward and, depending on circumstances, tacky, to ask your grandmother for the ring. However, you can raise the topics of weddings, engagements and rings. If you have a close relationship with her, the type where you confide things, you could tell her the exciting news that you and BF have been discussing marriage and saving for a wedding, and BF is saving for a ring. Maybe she'll get reminiscent and tell you the story about how your grandfather proposed to her. Perhaps she'll take the opportunity to offer her ring at that time or a later time.

On the other hand, since you are the last granddaughter to get married and she doesn't wear the ring, maybe she would be flattered that you would be interested in wearing her engagement ring as her own. If you could raise the subject very tactfully, and while doing so provide her with an easy out should she not want to give you the ring . . . .

Either way, you'd have to discuss the subject of a family ring with the BF first to see if he would be opposed or offended.

 

[Anonymous]

In light of your last post, maybe you could ask your grandmother if you could pay her for it, or buy her something that she would love and use now because it would mean a lot to you to be able to keep it in the family and have it as part of your engagement ring. I definitely would not just ask her to give it to you now.