Home Is there a nice way to tell someone....

[luckystar112]

...that you think they should go to a psychiatrist?

Mom troubles. Again.
This time I have nothing to do with her drama, but I'm convinced more than ever that the woman NEEDS help.
I feel like we all enable her by not telling her!

At this point, I want to give her an intervention. Not sure how at 2000 miles away (which, btw, isn't far enough away to ignore her toxic behavior).

I'm not sure what to do. My relatives all know she's ill, so they just try to stay away from her. My step-dad is in denial, and actually agrees with her about most things.

She cries on the phone with me, which really breaks me down and makes me feel bad for her.

I've tried telling her that I think she needs help before...but not in the most positive way (we were in a huge fight). But I think even if she was in the best mood and I tried to have a heart to heart with her she would FLIP.

I feel so stuck.

 

[VRBeauty]

My $.02 worth...

Is there a nice way to tell someone that you think they should go to a psychiatrist? No.. not if you think they''ll be resistant to the idea.

You can tell them why you''re concerned about their behavior, or why you are reacting to them in a particular way, and see where the conversation goes from there. You might get an opportunity to talk about "seeking help" in a way that is less likely to be seen as confrontational.

Good luck!

 

[Sha]

I''m sorry to hear you''re going through this. As a Counsellor, one of the things that I think would be helpful is to frame the conversation in such a way so that getting help sounds more appealing to her. I don''t know what the issues with your mother are, but you can pick a behaviour/attitude/situation that she knows she is struggling with, and show her how that situation might benefit from getting help. For example - if it''s a relationship issue, you can say, "Mom, I know that you and ''Jen'' don''t have the best relationship, and that sometimes you don''t feel you''re able to relate to her in way you''d like... maybe seeing a counsellor/psychiatrist/psychologist might be helpful in improving your relationship".

Or if it''s anxiety...you can say, "Mom, you''ve said before that sometimes you don''t feel like yourself. Perhaps a counsellor/psychologist/psychiatrist may be able to help you feel like yourself again...". And then you can outline the other benefits of seeing someone, in a non-confrontational way.

If you align ''getting help'' with HER own goals/dreams/wishes, then she''s much more likely to accept it than if you say, "Mom, I think you should get help because such such and such..."

People will often get defensive about things like this - it''s really important that you choose your words carefully so that they don''t completely dismiss the idea.

 

[somethingshiny]

I agree with Sha, but in my own experience it didn''t work. My mom had very disturbing behavior patterns and I tried talking to her in the way Sha suggested. (I was only 18 at the time, so I''m sure I didn''t handle it perfectly). My mom still wouldn''t do anything. Finally she tried to commit suicide. She took an entire bottle of Ativan that had been prescribed for a 250 pound man. She had already lost control of her bodily functions, we rushed her to the ER (after calling one and them telling us to give it a couple hours to see if she cleared up a bit

) She had to have her stomach pumped and some tar-like stuff put in her belly. They wouldn''t tell us if she was going to live for 48 hours. I stayed at the hospital with her and I was also making sure my little sisters were taken care of. My mom did come through, and spent some time in an institution. I won''t say she''s right now, but she''s better.

SO, my point is this. It really doesn''t matter if it''s all polite and nice. If you''re worried. DO SOMETHING!

Good Luck.

 

[luckystar112]

Yeah...I'm worried about her. But sometimes I feel like I'm all she has. I wouldn't say she's depressed....it's more like a personality disorder. She thinks she is perfectly normal and that's what makes it hard.

Here's an example, and the reason why I personally have had enough:

My grandmother in Florida flew up to stay with my mom. She got sick on the plane...couldn't breathe, came off the plane in a wheel chair. So my cousin goes to visit my mom while my grandmother was there...and grandmother is coughing up blood. Cousin guides grandma to the sink and starts rubbing her back while she throws up. My mom starts yelling for cousin to "turn on the damn water!" because she "just cleaned the sink yesterday!"

They called for an ambulance, and while waiting my cousin and grandma had to listen to my mom on the phone with an aunt saying "well...the years of smoking have finally caught up with her!!!" When she was out of the room my grandmother grabbed my cousin's arm and whispered "get me out of here....she is so cruel to me!"

My grandmother hasn't stepped foot in my mom's house since.

Sometimes I just think my mom is pure evil. Anyway, that's just a glimpse of how she is. Right now she is in a "fight" with my cousin about something so stupid. Yet she keeps calling me and bawling her eyes out. But I agree with the cousin!!! I just don't know what to do anymore. This is like my 15th thread about my mom, and I'm always so embarressed to post these things after I post them, but something has seriously got to be done.

I think I'm just going to wait for my grandmother to write back and go from there. It's such a sad situation. My mom really tries to be a sweet person, but she's just got this underlying insecurity/anger that is SO ugly. Half of the time I think she is amazing and half of the time I seriously consider breaking off all contact with her. But I feel if I broke off contact that would do more damage.

Edit: Thank you for your responses though! Sha, thanks for the advice. SS, hope your mom is doing better now. I don't want to be in denial about my mother doing something like that. MINIMS, you're right...and I'm stuck!

 

[somethingshiny]

lucky~ I could identify depression symptoms in my mom, but mostly it was all this "self-pity, I''m a victim, pay attention to ME" type thing. I truly hope that your mom isn''t in a depression, but depression doesn''t always manifest itself as straight out sadness.

 

[luckystar112]

Yeah...that''s pretty much my mom too. And no one can confront her on anything without her trying to twist it around like we "don''t love her" or we''ve "allllways treated her this way"...etc.
The other half of her is just downright mean...from my grandmother story above, to saying that my aunt deserved what she got when my uncle left her for another woman. Crazy stuff like that.

I think she''s a really lonely person (she doesn''t have any friends...they all stopped talking to her) and anything I say may push her over the edge. At the same time, I don''t think it''s right (or fair) for all of us to just ignore the problem.

 

[Kaleigh]

I'd seek the advice of a counselor for yourself. Dealing with this type of behavior is sooooo hard. Having a professional guide you in what to do is the best thing I can recommend. I have been involved in an intervention, it takes all parties to be on the same page, and you have to be strong. It took weeks of counseling for all involved. The couselor walked us through it, we were so nervous about how the person would take it. But once we did it, she agreed to get help.

I am taking care of my Dad right now, he's having a mental break down. Once he moved back here, I said you need more help than I can give you. Would you like to see a Psychiatrist, someone outside of the family who can help you cope?? He said yes. Had he said no, we would have had to do an intervention. So big relief there.

Your mom sounds like a tough cookie. Part martar part Narcisit. (SP) Get your family involved in counseling. If Step Dad is in denial, skip his help. I am sure there are plenty who are willing to see this insanity stop.

Be good to yourself, this is hard. Just know that you are not alone.

 

[anchor31]

I wish there was a nice way to say it that would make them go, because my FI''s mom is pretty much exactly like your mom. FI said she did go to see a therapist, but it can''t have been a very good one, because nothing has changed.

I''m sorry you''re going through this. I can''t say that to my FI''s mother, but if she was my mother and I''d reached a breaking point, I would probably tell her to not call me again until she had gotten help. It''s not nice, but sometimes it''s the only thing that works.

Sending big hugs your way, lucky!

 

[CrownJewel]

Aw Lucky. This sounds very difficult. I''m not a counselor in any way, but I think the best way to introduce the idea of "help" to her is to just say it, but not during a fight.

I was depressed in high school but didn''t ever think about going to a therapist until my best friend brought it up. It took me years and years to eventually go to one, but I did finally go. One of my guy friends seemed to be having some emotional problems too, depression, anger, drinking too much and too often. After a few years...he just seemed to be getting worse so I told him straight out that I don''t know what else to do or say to help him. I told him that I thought he was depressed and should go see a therapist. He resisted for a long time saying he doesn''t need it. I brought it up several times more and he finally decided it was worth a try.

I wish you and your mom luck. And please...feel free to gripe on PS! I think it helps.

 

[dragonfly411]

I would say suggest that you and mom both (even though this is hard from so far away, but I''m sure a trip could be arranged) go to see a family therapist. Say that you feel like she is always upset, either in a sad way or an angry way and you want to understand why and see what you can do and what she can do to help the situation. It makes it sound more like you''re wanting to help too.

 

[Elmorton]

I''ve suggested to several friends that they seek some extra help. I think it''s a difficult thing to say, but I think it can be done kindly (unless as MINIMS pointed out that the person is completely averse to help).

The way I''ve suggested is something along the lines of "I''ve been where you are, and the way I got through it was through talking to a professional. I think it could really help you the way it helped me.." - but that''s really only something you can say if you really have been in the same situation.

The other way I''ve suggested it is something along the lines of "I''m here for you and I''m here to listen, but I know that I''m not capable of giving you the advice and support that you deserve/need - I think a counselor could help so much more than I can."

I will say though that neither of this techniques have worked with someone who believes that therapy is for crazy people and she is not crazy...

((Hugs)) - I know it''s rough.