Is it possible to talk your partner into healthier eating habits?

[mayachel]

Sometimes I feel like a nag, and I don''t mean to. I was raised in a fairly healthy home, taught to read food labels and understand serving sizes. My mom cooked most meals from scratch. Through various events I have both and education and interest in eating both delicious and healthy foods. I "get" the bank account system of balancing a greasy delicious dinner with more moderate eating the next day.

The problem?

My fiance does not. It isn''t news. We''ve been together for years. However I see him struggle with his weight and believe he feels he is supposed to be, since his father struggled for years. For a brief while, his doctor was on his case, but then his BP came down and that was the end of that.

We eat out a lot. When we eat out, he will order whatever suits his palate, without regard to vegetable/grain content/cheeseyness or oil.

The alternative is that I cook. If I''m cooking, he is more than happy to eat a meal made of primarily of vegetables, whole grains and some simple protein and ask for seconds. This puts a lot of pressure on me, to feel like I should take more responsibility over our meals...in turn both of our health.

Yes, we fit the stereotype of I''ve improved his eating habits and he has worsened mine.

I just can''t seem to get him to see that it is an issue with solutions. He would rather not modify his serving size, or his meal choices. Is this a situation where I should just pay attention to my own needs and hope he comes around some day?

 

[dragonfly411]

Mayachel
I''m dealing with something similar with SO and me. He wasn''t raised to always eat healthy. Actually neither was I but when I lost weight and began learning the downfalls of eating bad and the benefits of eating healthy I made the change permanent. SO doesn''t read. He listens, and he eats what I cook, but he also snacks on cheez its and cheese doodles, and likes pizza at least once a week, and tacos as often as he can get them. I''ve started trying to find healthy ways of doing these meals.

Ultimately, you can''t force him to eat healthy. You can point out the financial burden that is caused by buying two separate diets for two separate people. You can ask him to do a month long trial period in hopes that he''ll see he has more energy and feels better. You can try to get him to watch movies like Fast Food Nation and Food Inc (That is actually a very very good idea). But if he doesn''t heed any of it, then it is his choice.

Ask him if he''d be willing to read a book, or watch one of the movies.

I generally just make meals and SO can deal, since he really only grills.

 

[ladyciel]

DH and I struggled with this for a long time. I currently weigh 10lbs more than I did when we first met, and at one point I was 20lbs over that "starting" number. I definitely fell into the trap of eating more and exercising less once we were in a relationship, because all of my free time was spent with him, eating the same things and not making time for exercise. Meanwhile, he gained weight as well because suddenly there was somebody to go out with him to restaurants and to cook big meals. After the honeymoon phase, when I suddenly looked in the mirror and said "ugh, NOT happy with myself", I found it very difficult to make lasting changes in my own diet and exericise when it felt like I was dragging/nagging him to do it with me.

We're now finally on the same page, and while he still loves and craves his taco bell and pizza, he's now in the habit of counting his calories and seeing where compromise has to come in to balance the books. We use a system of food in - exercise out = total for the day. Thus, he's also learned that putting in his dues at the gym gets him an extra snack or a more "fun" meal. I cook meals that fit into my (obviously lower) calorie limits for the day, and he then gets to snack/add to those meals within the confines of his own calorie target. The fact that he gets to eat more volume and feel less hungry if he sticks to healthier options is definitely helping the quality of food issue, as well.

Now, the first time I tried calorie counting and using this approach was AWFUL. I would ask him how many calories he had left for dinner, and he would absolutely bristle at me for asking him to figure it out. I always tried to explain that I needed his support to make the changes I wanted for myself, and while he understood that he still struggled with the doing part of things.

I finally made him a deal with which he could relate. If he would count calories religiously with me, and go to the gym with me every other day after work, he would get guaranteed "playtime"

on the following non-gym days. Do we stick to it religiously? Of course not - life doesn't always go to plan - BUT, it got his attention and got the ball rolling. Once he was an active participant, and saw it getting results for the both of us (both in our waistlines and in our marriage), we finally became partners in our goals instead of enemies.

So, my advice is that the only way to convince somebody is to help them make the decision for themselves. You know your FI the best - what motivates him? Knowledge, rewards, punishments...? Best of luck!!!

 

[lilyfoot]

I have no advice, because I have the same problem. The fact that my husband is very slim, and doesn''t gain weight, doesn''t exactly help the situation any.

 

[mayachel]

dragonfly411: The movie idea is a great one! I''m putting Food Inc on our list today.

ladyciel:I''m right there with you with the relationship weight gain. Can I tell you how much I love your "deal". Obviously with some room for adaptation to life. A friend of mine suggested similar but on an overall # limit or "no nookie". Which I have to say horrified me. Your version seems a lot more supportive than restrictive.

Last night I made some great low carb smoked tofu burgers which went over really well.

1/2 oz dried shiitake mushrooms
2-3 teaspoons chili sesame oil
1 cup finely chopped broccoli
1/3 cup finely chopped red bell pepper
1/4 cup sliced scallions
2 teaspoons finely chopped fresh Ginger
1 1/2 teaspoons minced garlic
1 8 oz package smoked tofu, chopped
1 cup cooked brown rice
1/2 cup unseasoned breadcrumbs
2 eggs
1 tablespoon soy sauce

Soak mushrooms in warm water until softened (about 20 min)

Drain mushrooms and squeeze out excess water. Chop them and discard tough parts. Heat the oil in a large skillet and add mushrooms, broccoli, pepper, scallion, Ginger, garlic and cook until tender. (you can also skip the mushrooms and oil and just microwaved these things on high for a minute).

Mix vegetables with the remaining ingredients. Use an imersion blender or food processor to partially blend the mixture until it reaches a consistency that can be made into patties.

Cook in a lightly greased skillet until browner.

 

[ladyciel]

mayachel, you hit the nail on the head about it being a supportive approach. I think one of the main reasons the "deal" works so well for us is that it addresses two issues in our relationship at the same time - one that was more important to me, and the other more pressing for him. For me, the health issue came first, since I knew if we made those changes I would naturally be more interested in the other (satisfaction in my life, more energy, greater confidence, etc). For DH, he needed to feel more connected to me before he could feel really happy or motivated about anything else. We were each very aware of the other''s needs, but until we struck on this deal we had a very hard time getting the timing of everything right. We would each give our cries for our own unmet needs, hear our partner cry and try to address the other for a while, but in the end our balance would just swing wildly back and forth with a lot of unnecessary stress/drama. Funnily enough, the professional advice we read on either issue was scheduling things into our lives to ensure they weren''t ignored. We tried one or the other, but it wasn''t until we hit on this (seemingly obvious) plan of joint work/reward that things really started clicking.

 

[brazen_irish_hussy]

I eat healthier than DH, but he has gotten better over the years. We never eat out to save money, so that helps a lot. To start with, I never tell him he can''t have something, but if I am the one at the store or I am the one paying because he just had to pay tuition or such, he doesn''t get junk, I just won''t buy it. I find if it isn''t in the house it helps a lot. I also buy more healthy alternatives. Instead of soda, juice, so it still fills the need for a sweet drink. Now he doesn''t even do that, just coffee or water.

Another thing is I go to whole foods and a local market and when something I like is marked down, I stock up. Amy''s pizzas are great, but expensive, but the were actually cheaper than red barron 2 weeks ago, so now the freezer is filled with them. Another thing is to make healthy meals, but to make a LOT of them. When we make something like that, it is enough to feed us both for the night and usually 2-3 meals afterwords, so we get healthy meals without doing any more cooking.

The last thing is that I don''t pester him. He is an adult and has a right to eat what he wants. I don''t drink soda, except for sipping ginger ale when my stomach is bad, so there is rarely any in the house. Dh used to drink it all the time, but since we don''t keep it in the house, when he wants one he has to want it enough to walk to the gas station. So he has them about twice a month and that is his business.

 

[Haven]

Food, Inc. will definitely make him think twice about the food you purchase and eat, and where it comes from. My husband has been reading The China Study which has finally motivated him to limit the amount of animal protein he eats, so that might be a good option, too. Fast Food Nation is a bit old but horrifying. Reading that will definitely help him stay away from fast food for a long time.

My husband and I are on the same page with eating healthy and purchasing food that has been ethically raised, but even so I still do all of the cooking. It sounds like your husband is a bit like mine--he''ll pretty much eat anything that''s around. I''ve learned that keeping easy to eat, healthy foods in the house means that we''ll both eat healthy all day long. I currently make a really yummy tuna salad, steamed veggies, and a lemon quinoa to keep in the fridge so we both have good healthy options to eat during the days. It saves a lot of money making all of these things, too. And it''s fun to find delicious recipes and try them out.

 

[PinkTower]

Date: 6/11/2010 8:34:11 PM
Author: Haven
Food, Inc. will definitely make him think twice about the food you purchase and eat, and where it comes from. My husband has been reading The China Study which has finally motivated him to limit the amount of animal protein he eats, so that might be a good option, too. Fast Food Nation is a bit old but horrifying. Reading that will definitely help him stay away from fast food for a long time.


My husband and I are on the same page with eating healthy and purchasing food that has been ethically raised, but even so I still do all of the cooking. It sounds like your husband is a bit like mine--he''ll pretty much eat anything that''s around. I''ve learned that keeping easy to eat, healthy foods in the house means that we''ll both eat healthy all day long. I currently make a really yummy tuna salad, steamed veggies, and a lemon quinoa to keep in the fridge so we both have good healthy options to eat during the days. It saves a lot of money making all of these things, too. And it''s fun to find delicious recipes and try them out.

Lemon Quinoa? I have never had quinoa so I had to Google it. It says it is a relative of spinach. There is a recipe for Oprah''s Lemon Quinoa. Is that the recipe you use? How long will it keep in the refrigerator?

 

[Haven]

I like this recipe from Allrecipes.com. If you try the recipe, I would suggest you NOT squeeze all the lemons it really calls for. Squeeze one at a time and add in the juice slowly. It calls for far too much lemon juice for our taste, at least.

Quinoa is a grain that you can use in place of rice or couscous. I grew up eating it, but introduced it to my husband who now LOVES it. It will keep in the fridge for a full workweek. I'll make enough of this particular recipe for a week's worth of DH's noshing.

I looked up the Oprah recipe. I don't like that it has oil in it.

 

[marcy]

My DH''s eating habits eventually changed after mine did. He started to feel bad eating things in front of me.

I think starting to cook healthier foods too will help. After awhile the greasy, high fat food doesn''t taste as good as you thought it did.

Good luck.

 

[mayachel]

Haven-Thanks for the recipe. I''m a big fan of quinoa, but always cook it with garlic, olive oil and nutritional yeast. Your version will be good for a change. (The fiance has not been a fan in the past either so changing it helps. I''m lucky he''s willing to give things a try before swearing off altogether.)

 

[mayachel]

Marcyc- It will be interesting to see how things change. I''ve had a week of eating with awareness, on a bit of a no refined carb/high (veggie) protein. I''ve actually lost 5lbs so far and am very excited. Last night DF stated that he didn''t like this whole giving up pasta thing and wasn''t sure he could eat the way I am. So instead of pigeon peas and veggie sausage we compromised and had falafal platters from a local take out place with pita on the side. That way he could eat the bread and I avoided it.

 

[marcy]

Mayachel, congratulations on losing 5 pounds so far. Don''t give up pasta - just make wise choices for your sauce and use portion control. 2 oz. dry (about 1 cup cooked) is 200 calories and most tomato sauces are about 40 to 70 calories per serving. Eat 1 small piece of bread (lightly buttered and all garliced up) and you feel like you had a real treat and didn''t bust your calorie bank. Good luck!

 

[marcy]

I love your ering!

 

[mayachel]

Date: 6/15/2010 8:49:10 PM
Author: marcyc
I love your ering!

Thank you Marcyc! I''ve been noticing your set as well, I like how the two rings compliment eachother without being overly matchy matchy. (Can you tell I''m still on the hunt for my wb?

)

 

[Hudson_Hawk]

I think you've clearly stated the problem and solution in your post. When he goes out he feels it's a treat and orders whatever suits his fancy. However, you go out a lot so this "treat" has become the norm.

You say he eats what you cook when you cook, regardless of whether it's healthy or not. So then, moving forward, start cooking at home more and send him to work with a packed lunch full of healthy stuff. You can still go out to eat, but maybe do it twice a month instead of twice a week.

You say cooking puts a lot of pressure on you, but really, is it THAT hard or time consuming to throw a few chicken breasts on the grill and nuke some frozen veggies (while not ideal, certainly better than canned or none at all)? That's really all you need for a well balanced meal. A protein, and a veg-which can double as a carb. Add a small glass of milk and you've got your bases fully covered.

For me the longest part of making dinner is cooking the starch. That's why I'd rather double up on veg vs cook a starch specifically for the meal. I don't do starches so much in the summer, but in the winter I like to make a big batch of brown rice (or Quinoa-love it cooked in chicken stock with frozen spinach mixed in) on the weekend and keep it in the fridge for easy healthy side dish access. Yes, it lasts all week in the fridge.

When I get my protein at the grocery store (I shop on the weekend), I always take a few minutes once I get home to package it into single portion sizes. 1 serving goes in each freezer bag and I'll usually throw some marinade in at the same time. Then as the chicken/steak/whatever defrosts in the fridge, it's marinated at the same time. I take the next day's protein out of the freezer the night before so I don't forget about it in the morning.

Ultimately, I think by you taking charge of YOUR health you'll naturally be helping him with his own and you'll be building a good foundation for healthy habits once you have a family. I bet you'll also find that you save a TON of money by eating at home vs at restaurants.

ETA: Also, after dinner while cleaning up and putting away leftovers, I pack our lunches. A lot of times it's leftovers, but I also do salads or sandwiches, etc. with a lot of healthy snacks (and some not so healthy but moderated by portion size like 100 cal packs). Bringing leftovers ensures that the extras are being eaten right away vs sitting and going bad in the fridge.

 

[GliderPoss]

Re: Is it possible to talk your partner into healthier eatin

I fully sympathise you on this one - I too struggled with a partner who loved to eat junk especially takeaways! It was hard because he knew better - grew up in a healthy household but now loved the "freedom" to now eat whatever he liked! I tried very hard to get him to eat healthily but in the end it had to be his own decision. I encourage you to keep at it and don't lower your personal standards.

My hubby put a lot of weight on and it affected his self-esteem. Finally his new job required him to get fit and lose weight - he was AMAZING! He lost over 20Kg and suddenly he feel soooooooo much better and looks damn handsome too (boost for his self-esteem) and it was like a light-bulb moment about healthy eating and exercise. Firstly it seems you out quite a bit so as others have suggested - cut back on that and consider it a treat.

Best of luck!

 

[mayachel]

Re: Is it possible to talk your partner into healthier eatin

I tried very hard to get him to eat healthily but in the end it had to be his own decision. I encourage you to keep at it and don't lower your personal standards.

Thanks for sharing Hotpozzum! The above statement really stood out for me because while I "know" it, it is difficult to remember/accept sometimes. Especially when I see that he is starting to get hard on himself about it, but still isn't at the stage of doing anything about it. I just wish I could make that wake up call happen, because my fear is the longer we/he waits the harder it will be.