Inviting Kids

[largirl]

Is it kosher to invite some kids (i.e. relatives) but not others (i.e. children of friends)? There are children in my family that I''ve grown up with and see all the time and would miss their attendance, but some of my friends have children who I rarely, if ever, see and I''m not sure if I''m required to invite them. Is it an all or nothing or can I pick and choose?

 

[KimberlyH]

Edited: If you can comfortably say "I'm only inviting children of family members, I hope you understand" then I say go for it. But expect some parents might not attend if expected to leave their children at home.

As a general rule of thumb I think invites should be all or nothing (all aunts and uncles or none, all cousins or none, all children or none). There are exceptions to every rule, though.

 

[Po10472]

we had around 20 kids at our wedding and they had a ball. mind you our venue was huge so they could run around and were out the way of the parents so they didn''t get under anyones feet. my opinion is that wee people should be part of the celebration but i can understand those not wanting kinds. its a personal preference really.

 

[diamondfan]

I say you invite who you want there.

I know it causes issues sometimes, but how could you not invite family and people you grew up with, when you want them there?

And of course some people expect their kids to be included, even if logically they know that you are not really close with the kid(s).

Bottom line is there will be a number of your decisions that upset people, and you just really cannot cater to all people and their views. If you think you will regret not having the kids you do want, invite them. If you can manage to invite the others, and it is not too taxing, then do so.

Those same people who rant and complain or get bent out of shape do not often do the right thing when it is their turn.

 

[mimzy]

I sort of think that it''d be okay to invite your kid relatives and not kids you don''t know. it''s sticking with the general rule of if you want them there, invite them and if you don''t, don''t.

i think it would take a pretty selfish friend that would be appalled that you invited your small niece and not her son you''ve seen maybe twice.

. if you think it might be an issue, just make it clear (via casual conversation) that you are restricting kid invites to family only.

 

[zoebartlett]

Date: 3/2/2008 4:01:16 PM
Author:largirl
Is it kosher to invite some kids (i.e. relatives) but not others (i.e. children of friends)? There are children in my family that I've grown up with and see all the time and would miss their attendance, but some of my friends have children who I rarely, if ever, see and I'm not sure if I'm required to invite them. Is it an all or nothing or can I pick and choose?

We're planning on inviting kids who are family members. We'll also invite those with little babies, who need to be near their parents. A few of my friends will have babies approx. 3 months old and I don't feel right telling my friends that they can't bring them along. We will provide babysitting at the hotel we've reserved, which is just 2 miles down the road. Older kids who come for the weekend are going to be watched by either hotel staff (not my first choice) or by high school students of my mom, who's a teacher.

Sorry to be so long-winded...

Yes, I think it's perfectly fine to invite some kids and not others. I think people generally understand. When I've brought this subject up with a few of my friends with older kids, I've just said that while I wish we could invite everyone's kids, due to financial reasons, we won't be able to. My friends have been fine with it and a few of them have even said that they're looking for some time alone for the weekend.

I would, however, be prepared for a few guests to bring their children, regardless of your wishes.

 

[Pandora II]

As someone on a strict 120 guests max - and 35 potential kids to invite, FI and I have told everyone that we are not inviting any children under 10 except for immediate family, the bridesmaids, children from overseas and 'babes in arms'.

This ends up as a max total of 8/9.

So far we haven't had any comments from anyone.

To be honest, if people don't come because of it I actually don't care, we have so many people on our B list we can easily fill those places.

If anyone just turns up with their kids - they'll either have to sit outside for the reception or have the kid on their knee for 2.5 hours as we can't get anyone extra into the room.

 

[largirl]

I love kids and don't mind having them there at all, so that's not the issue - more trying to keep the guest list small and intimate and to people who mean the most of us. I like the idea of spreading the word that it will be children in immediate family only....

 

[diamondfan]

You know, if I were your pal and I knew that you did not really know my kid but were close to family children, I would not likely give it a thought. And you can be honest, if it comes up, like, Man, this has been so tough, as much as I would love to have them all, space and cost just prohibits us from doing so...that''s why I have made it simple by just keeping it to relatives I am really close to.

You have then addressed it head on, in a nice non snarky way, and you have made it clear that all things being equal, you would want to have them there if you could. I think that sort of covers your bases. You do not have to overexplain or get defensive or anything like that, and you have made the other people feel okay about it, hopefully.

 

[mimzy]

Date: 3/2/2008 4:25:14 PM
Author: largirl
I love kids and don't mind having them there at all, so that's not the issue - more trying to keep the guest list small and intimate and to people who mean the most of us. I like the idea of spreading the word that it will be children in immediate family only....

word of mouth is usually a good way to go....but you might want to stick it somewhere in print too in this case. if people hear that you are going to have kids from your family there, they might miss the "only" part, and assume that you won't mind, since you two are practically family anyways/since they know other kids with be there/since your cousin and her daughter played together once and they had the best of times. i would just do your best to make it clear that only the parents are invited (short of saying "adult reception following"), and let them realize other kids will be there when they arrive. otherwise you are likely to have a few people who either 1)bring their kids because they assume you won't mind or 2)ask you if they can bring their kids, which might put you in an uncomfortable situation of explaining yourself and/or trying to get suckered into letting them bring their kids.

 

[Clio]

I agree with diamondfan. We were at a wedding recently where our kids were not invited but young cousins of the bride and groom were invited. We had absolutely no problem with it, and I think most reasonable people would understand.

 

[ChargerGrrl]

oh wow- tough call.

i agree with the all or nothing rule.

we chose not to invite any kids to our wedding. it was at a winery, and not really appropriate for little ones.

 

[littlelysser]

We had a small, informal, backyard BBQ wedding. 50 people. And we made it clear that all kids were invited.

I agree with SDLady...I think if you allow one, you should allow all.

I guess, and this is just my opinion, it often isn''t easy to get a babysitter . Especially if it is an out of town wedding...We had friends and family driving and flying in from across the country. No way I could say that some kids were invited and other weren''t.

Just my take on it.

 

[Haven]

We are not inviting the children of our friends, however we are invited the children of our relatives. Therefore, I obviously see no problem with it at all.

 

[musey]

I think so--think of it more as that those kids are among your part of your family, while the other kids are not. So it''s not that you''re inviting the family kids because they''re attached to family, but because they are family. And you''re not inviting the non-related kids because they are neither family nor friend.

If that makes sense

 

[Independent Gal]

I agree that kids you are related to can constitute a rational category. So I say, go for it.

We made the rule for WP1 : No kids at the 7 course formal dinner; and for WP2: "Nursing infants only". There is only one of these. Oh, and then there''s my friend''s two year old who speaks in full sentences but is still nursing. Well, whatever. I guess she can come too. There is NO ROOM to run around at this place though, and lots and lots of sharp corners, so I hope mommy will be watching closely!

 

[Neveah]

I was adament when we started this wedding that I wanted NO kids whatsoever. It was the biggest *difference of opinion* my Mom and I have had so far. She said it would be fine if we did family kids only since they are family (like other ppl said) I still wanted no one under 18. I won that one

I sent a personal email to everyone with children 7 months before the wedding explaining that we were having an adult reception and wanted to give them plenty of time to find childcare.... but if they didn''t feel comfortable leaving thier kids at home that we would miss them, and not be offended. For the most part people understood. There were a couple of rude comments made to me but I could really care less. Everyone did appreciate the heads up... Maybe you could calll or write and explain the situation?

On a side note.... we also found out that our reception venue doesn''t distinguish between ages.... a guest is a guest is a guest. So if we HAD invited children we would be paying for a premium open bar for each of them (which is about $55 a head for the night!) and I doubt they could drink enough coke''s to make it worth it! Might be something to find out about.... Good Luck!

 

[largirl]

Luckily I won''t likely have to worry about friends hearing that "family kids" are invited since my friends and my family haven''t interacted with the exception of my very closest friends who don''t have kids anyway. But I do think I''d contact each person with kids that wouldn''t be invited and let them know in plenty of time to try to find a babysitter. I can''t think of any of our friends who would be offended or really even give it a second thought, but...just in case, I''ll definitely give them a heads up. And luckily only one of the "friends with kids" families would be coming from out of town; the rest are here in town.

I''m glad to see that other people have done the "some and not others" thing too.

 

[Asscherhalo_lover]

i also follow all or nothing, if we wanted kids at our wedding, it would have added 40+ people, we id not want nor could we afford that! the only children at our wedding are the ones in the bridal party and their sisters and brothers. this gives us 7 children, i can live with that and no one can argue about it.

 

[Hudson_Hawk]

We''re having trouble with this as well. We''d love to have kids there, but the reality is that all of our friends and family members for the most part have young children. We''d have 30+ under the age of 8 if we invited all children. Therefore we''re only inviting 2 kids, the flower girl and her sister. Both of which are FI''s nieces. We expect they''ll leave around 7 or 8 because of bedtime. The other issue is that our facility isn''t kid friendly. The building spans a busy road and it''s lined with windows that open (they''re the only ventilation source in the summer). It''s just too risky.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

Most guests understand that rules are bent for family members. If you put "adult only reception" on the invitation, most guests will understand that you mean "guests, don''t bring you kids" but for family members, everyone knows it''s different.

Or...you could hire a babysitter to watch the children for as little as $10.00 per hour. You could order a bunch of pizza and let the kids play while the parents party...

 

[cara]

The fuzzier the line you are trying to draw, the more it seems like you are playing favorites and it becomes difficult to justify why some kids and not others.

But only inviting kids in the family is a fairly common line to draw. Don''t put "adults only" or anything on the invite, as it clearly isn''t adults only. You''ll have to rely on the general rule that only the people named on the invitation are actually invited, and call to correct people that assume otherwise.

 

[largirl]

I agree Cara - no fuzzy lines. I want a strict "rule" so there''s no confusion and no hurt feelings (well, to minimize that at least). Immediate family only. The only exception I can imagine making is for one of my bridesmaids, who is due about a month before my wedding and will be nursing at that time. No one else will have a child that young; after that it jumps up to the 8-9 year old range).

I can''t just invite the flower girl, because I have other cousins around her age on the same side of the family and I think that WOULD cause problems....

 

[scm1012]

Had I chosen to go the traditional ceremony/reception route, kids would have been an absolute NO for me. Kids are mostly on my side of the family -- there are 6 under 10 and 2 under 16. I love them all but they are major brats.

Since we are eloping and doing a nuptial celebration afterward which will most likely be held at my parents home -- I don''t care of all the kids are there. I will have to find suitable activities for them though and will probably bribe them with gifts so that they behave but this is the norm for me. I am always giving them things to keep them quiet and on point.

 

[bee*]

Date: 3/2/2008 8:31:41 PM
Author: musey
I think so--think of it more as that those kids are among your part of your family, while the other kids are not. So it''s not that you''re inviting the family kids because they''re attached to family, but because they are family. And you''re not inviting the non-related kids because they are neither family nor friend.


If that makes sense

I agree with this. These kids are part of your family so I can''t see how anyone would be offended.

 

[diamondfan]

Bottom line is, you should not have to justify it to anyone. Those kids are family. And you are close to them. End of story. If anyone really has the nerve to say anything, I would simply explain that. Now, people might think it but I would hope everyone just attends and is quiet.