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Instant love of baby

amc80

amc80

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jun 18, 2010
Messages
5,765
A friend of mine asked me something the other day which I thought was interesting enough to post on here. You always hear about people who have babies suddenly having an intense love for and bond with them from the moment of birth. I've heard new moms say something like "I've never known a love so strong as when I saw my baby for the first time." Well, my friend asked me if I felt this. And honestly, I couldn't say yes. I mean yes I love my baby, but in more of an instinctual "this is my child, I need to love and care for him" way. I didn't feel any sort of instant bond or overwhelming feeling of love. Part of it is those early days and weeks were spent just trying to survive and figure things out...it's like my
mind was more focused on the logical than the emotional.

Am I weird? Can anyone else relate?
 
If you're a weirdo, I am too - I didn't have any sort of instinctive surge until a day or two later when he wiggled his way down my body to nurse and looked up at me and wiggled his eyebrows. An eye-brow-wiggling baby is quite a sight! So, love. :love:

But I've always felt a little ... like I'm doing it wrong, almost? because my best friend, who was at the birth, and is his godmother, describes her feelings in those same rapturous tones, and in the language of "love at first sight," etc. The funny thing is, a lot of the symptoms/details she describes are incredibly familiar to me: like, when she used to hold him as he fell asleep with her, heartbeats in synch, she said she would just feel this incredible peace; that the scent of his little baby head would make her heart seize. Those are feelings I've had ... but with romantic partners.

I have the sneaking suspicion that people just have different oxcytocin triggers. I don't think that is a measure of the degree of love, just a sign of a different physiological response - call it a literalization of "maternal instinct," if you will. Very curious to read other people's responses!
 
another weirdo reporting in....
 
My sister often told me she felt no love for her son when he was born....and his being a difficult child as he grew didn't help matters. I think she would agree, now that he's fully grown, that she has been ambivilent all his life about motherhood. She kept waiting for the maternal uge to kick in and it never did.
 
It took me about a month and him losing 2 lbs from his BW, before it kind of kicked in that I am actually solely responsible for the safety and welfare of this little life. (on the upside, he was born at 9lbs 5.5 oz, so he was fortunate to have the 'luxury' of 2 lbs to lose!) I was a pretty stunned mother for someone who is a nurse, worked in L&D, taught prenatal classes and did well baby visits for the health department!! I was NOT a bright light when it came to my own child. I knew it was amazing, this creature who is now dependant upon me, but I just didn't click in to that whole maternal thing for quite a while. It was a task, a chore, before it became a labour of love. Mind you, I had a birth experience from hell with an almost anaphylactic response to the interstitial epidural, ending in a c-section and paralysis of my upper arms and esophagus, so I kinda had my own thing going on...!!

But now - hurt my kids and just see where my momma bear instincts are at NOW!!! :twisted:
 
I wouldn't say it was love at first sight. I remember crying when I saw him for the first time, and feeling so happy and excited to meet him, but also very overwhelmed and sort of detached in a weird way too.

I'd say the older my son gets, the more I fall in love with him and become attached to him. I couldn't imagine my life without him! He is such a joy and a blessing. I think the newborn stage is hard, and they really don't show any personality or reciprocal affection yet. Now that he's a toddler, he gives hugs and kisses and signs 'love' to me all the time.
 
My best friend told me the only thing she felt when she first saw her son was an overwhelming sense of responsibility, coupled with anxiety and fear. She was also convinced that they were going to get arrested for stealing a baby the entire time they were leaving the hospital and en route to their home. Her husband says she kept looking out the back window of the car saying, "I can't believe they just let us leave with this baby." It took her a while to "get" that he was hers. :cheeky:

Our first kiddo is due to arrive in December, so I'll have to report back then.
 
Haven said:
My best friend told me the only thing she felt when she first saw her son was an overwhelming sense of responsibility, coupled with anxiety and fear.
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I can't tell you how many times DH and I said "it's up to us to keep this kid alive." That pretty much sums up having a newborn.

I love hearing these responses. I love my little guy but the bonding is definitely a process.
 
I joined a mom group when K was <1 month old. There were 4 of us in that group with babies 6 weeks or younger. It was a class structure with an instructor and this was the first question she asked all of us. She wanted us to know that it was completely normal not to have that moment. One of the moms in my group had a son who had a severe milk allergy and she was honest and said she still hadn't bonded with him (at the one month mark--she said she felt the bond a couple of weeks later). One other mom didn't form a bond until later and two of us had the "love at first sight" moment. So it was split right in half in our small test group.
 
I think that first moment was filled with awe: so THIS is my baby? The big moment came a few days later, at home, walking up the stairs of our home. It just struck me how big the love I felt really was, and that my mom (who had passed when I was a teenager) must have felt the same way about me. That was really big for me.
 
yea I am a weirdo as well, it took me awhile :wink2:
 
I didn't fall in love instantly. At least I didn't know I did. I had the mommy instinct instantly and wanted to do right by her immediately. But I was too busy with baby blues, breast feeding woes, visitors, figuring out schedules to really sit and take it all in. The baby blues was what got in the way mostly. I felt incredible amounts of sadness and anxiety in those first few weeks.
 
My first birth was extremely traumatic and touch and go for both of us, so no, I didn't get to bond right away with my first daughter. Then I got a serious case of PPD almost immediately, probably partly in response to the major stress of the birth. Today she is my best friend. We are incredibly close. She grew up as such an easygoing kid.

My second birth went smoothly enough, no PPD at all. I actually felt that I was able to bond much quicker with my second daughter. We have a more difficult time with each other as adults, but even though we clash, we are still close enough to talk through anything. She was always on the dramatic side growing up, but she's an artiste. ;))

I think the birth process can have a big impact on the impression of "bonding" or "intense love". Doesn't mean one loves their baby less or even differently. I believe it's a personal perception and it's variable.
 
I posted this before so I am sure lots of people know already but my boys were almost 10 weeks early and I had more fear versus bonding, etc; I was worried, were they going to be okay. I did love them! They were so tiny and fragile I was more fearful though. I think as they get older and more of a personality, then is when you can't imagine life without them. Now I seriously adore them and can't imagine life without these awesome little guys :love:
 
lyra|1347914444|3269805 said:
My first birth was extremely traumatic and touch and go for both of us, so no, I didn't get to bond right away with my first daughter. Then I got a serious case of PPD almost immediately, probably partly in response to the major stress of the birth. Today she is my best friend. We are incredibly close. She grew up as such an easygoing kid.

My second birth went smoothly enough, no PPD at all. I actually felt that I was able to bond much quicker with my second daughter. We have a more difficult time with each other as adults, but even though we clash, we are still close enough to talk through anything. She was always on the dramatic side growing up, but she's an artiste. ;))

I think the birth process can have a big impact on the impression of "bonding" or "intense love". Doesn't mean one loves their baby less or even differently. I believe it's a personal perception and it's variable.
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aww this is sweet! I am glad you two are best friends!
 
I've been thinking on this a bit since my original post ...

The first few weeks are simply robotic - eat/sleep/poop (that's parents AND baby - hahaha) and there is minimal feedback from the newborn. I wonder if prenatal teachings put pressure on us to instantly attach to this new person?? I agree that as PP have stated, it takes a bit of time to feel comfortable in the role of new mom/parent as well as receiving some reciprocal response from your new baby. I've been thinking back when my #1 son was born. It was just rote performance of routine behaviours for a while, then when he started to really "LOOK" at us, I think that's when "my heart grew 3 sizes that day" and the Grinch was gone and SUPER MOM took over!

Interaction and non-verbal communication have a huge impact on the bonding process. Just my "mom thought" for the moment! :))
 
HI:

Yes I did. Absolutely.

cheers--Sharon
 
I agree with ppl who said that your birth experience tends to color those first few weeks with a new baby. I had a difficult recovery from delivery (major tearing) and then our son had ingrown toenails, latching issues and then developed RSV at 4 weeks old. So, for me, it was a matter of surviving (both of us!) those first couple of months. After that, he got a bit easier (at least I felt reasonably competent to care for him. Now, he's the apple of my eye and I marvel when I look at him from a distance and see just how big he's become (he's 7)....

I think whatever feelings you have (instant love or not) is totally normal. Either way, don't be pressured by anyone else and acknowledge that your feelings are perfectly fine and that when push comes to shove (or much sooner), "love" will have become a synonym for "Nate" (insert kids name)....
 
I had a natural and easy childbirth (20 minutes, one push) so we were both very awake. I fell in love the moment they put her in my arms and we made eye contact. I think it's hormonal because with my son (C-section) it was different. I couldn't hold him right away, felt weak and just wanted to sleep. I fell in love once I got home several days later. It was harder because I was in pain and he was demanding.
 
I didn't feel the instant bonding with my first. My husband was so ill with a liver infection that he came down with the day my water broke, I was all alone in the hospital, induced at midnight and terrified I was going to be a single mom at 22. After my daughter was born they asked me if I wanted to hold her and I said no. I had a bad case of the shakes and I thought I would drop her for sure. I loved her but she was also a difficult baby. I had four boys after her and it was love at first sight with all of them. I don't know the why of it.
 
swingirl|1347920646|3269882 said:
I had a natural and easy childbirth (20 minutes, one push) so we were both very awake. I fell in love the moment they put her in my arms and we made eye contact. I think it's hormonal because with my son (C-section) it was different. I couldn't hold him right away, felt weak and just wanted to sleep. I fell in love once I got home several days later. It was harder because I was in pain and he was demanding.
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Indeed it is. And some of us don't come by it naturally.

I didn't bond to my first two at all. I cared for them, but had no idea what people meant when they talked about that bond.

I also didn't produce breastmilk. Then when I was pregnant with my third, one doctor taking the history put it together. That along with two other pieces of information cracked the case open. He hypothesized that I don't produce oxytocin naturally and prescribed me a synthetic oxytocin nasal spray. I started it a few days after I gave birth to my third, because I wasn't bonding yet again. It made a WORLD of difference. Within a day or two I was totally bonded to him and my relationship with him is much different than my relationship with the other two. He was also the first child I was able to breastfeed without drugs and round the clock pumping.

Incidentally I had drug free births with all three, all with midwives. In fact, not even in hospital settings. Lots of people (not here, just in general) will use the lack of bonding theory as a reason to give birth at home. Well, I did...more than once. And it didn't help with that at all. I'm just not lucky enough to produce those hormones naturally and location wouldn't have changed that at all.
 
It's nice to see this thread and see that different people respond in different ways. I had natural childbirth with both of mine and neither of them were problematic. I think that after the birth of the first, I had so many emotions going on that is was hard to separate one from the other. I was relieved that it was over, relieved that the baby was strong and healthy, but overwhelmed with the task ahead. I had never had experience with a newborn baby so felt like I was a babe in the woods myself. Sleeping was almost non-existent for me in those early days and I was totally worn out. It wasn't until he was a few months old and we had developed a schedule of sorts that I began feeling more human again. Not long after, I realized one day that I didn't think I could live without him in my life. It was a shocking realization to me but even though I had been a zombie for awhile, that bond was still obviously growing. When I became pregnant with my second child, I could not imagine that I could love another baby the way I did my first. However, nature takes care of all of that too and there is no loving one the 'best'. These kids are now grown of course but the love is still so strong and deep it's sometimes frightening and wonderful at the same time.

Childbirth classes should include some of these points in them so that people don't feel like monsters without a heart if they don't cleave to their babies straight away. It's a process complicated by many factors and it's important that new mothers don't set themselves up with unrealistic expectations about how it's supposed to be. There is no right or wrong and in it's own time, the overwhelming love will be there. As with most things in life, it just doesn't happen the way it does in the movies - ha!
 
I have always been honest with the fact that though I have always loved my child, I didn't like her much for the first 6 weeks. Of course even now I get the wave of dislike. I was really overwhelmed. I had a difficult labor and a very difficult recovery. I did not have the hallmark moment of the instant intense love. I am honest about it because I want other moms to know it is ok if that was also their experience. My sister had that hallmark moment. Good for her. That isn't how it worked for me and I can honestly say I ADORE my child and often when I look at her my heart wants to burst. She grew on me. ;))
 
I had a difficult delivery, miserable time breastfeeding, and we had just moved to a new state right before his birth and I knew no one there. But I was in love with my baby from before he was born, so that sense of awe was there even though I was struggling. Second baby was easier and a girl and I was elated! Third child was handed to me (us) in an orphanage in China, and that was about the most emotional and intense moment of my entire life. I was in good shape to take in the whole experience! I still get choked up thinking about it!
 
My mom said that love at first sight stuff is a bunch of baloney. She had me and we adopted my little brother when he was a month old and she said she had to get to know both of us before the love thing kicked in.
 
I don't think it's weird not to have some euphoric burst of instant and all-consuming love for your brand-new baby. I think it's one of those expectations we have, and when you have an experience that doesn't quite measure up to expectations you feel like you're missing something I guess.

I did not have a super traumatic birth experience, but my labor lasted longer than I thought and things didn't go exactly the way I thought they might, and I ended up pretty exhausted by the end of it. There were a very peaceful few moments surrounding the time she was actually born, and I remember very clearly my thoughts and emotions during pushing and the actual birth. I remember it being a really happy time, and I remember my husband's excitement, and then I remember holding this tiny little human who had all this HAIR and eyelashes so long they curled up into her lids! I definitely felt maternal and proud, and thought how beautiful she was, but I don't remember thinking OH MY GOD I LOVE THIS BABY SOOOOO MUCH! After about an hour of having eleventy million things happening at once and trying to breastfeed for the first time while everything else was going on, the show was kind of over and then the focus shifted to getting me into recovery and her hooked up to antibiotics (my water had been broken for just over 25 hours by the time I delivered). The next few days are a blur. The first several weeks at home were uhhh, difficult. It was very much a survival situation, peppered with moments of intense happiness, but mostly a lot of extreme exhaustion. Yet throughout these past few months (first baby, she's 3.5 months old now) I am frequently reminded of how lucky I am to be this little kid's mama and how awesome she is even if at times I feel she is sucking the life out of me. ;)) :saint:
 
I can definitely relate. When I was pregnant most of my mom friends recounted their labor/delivery stories and how theyd felt an overwhelming sense of love like nothing they've ever known when their kids were born. So that's what I was expecting. When DS was born I remember feeling relief that my 24 hr torture session was over. That was my first emotion. Then they put DS on my chest and I waited for that like-nothing-ever-before-love. And I waited. And waited. Nothing. No omg love. It wasn't there for me. I automatically loved him because he was my child but I definitely was not in love with him. I honestly felt like he was a stranger. I thought something was wrong with me like this meant I was a bad person/mom. What I vividly recall feeling was an overwhelming and very powerful sense of protection towards him. Like a lion mom with a cub. I still feel that way today- 3 1/2 years later. DH had the overwhelming sense of love. He cried like a baby and was totally smitten at once.

When I came home from the hospital I called my best friend who lives out of state. I confided in her how I felt (no omg love) and that I felt like the worst person in the world. She told me she felt the same way and not to worry, that the love will come. And it did. Each day it grew more, with each smile and each coo, after each feeding and cuddling it grew. I think I just had to get to know him. Today I have the omg love for him even though sometimes he drives me nuts. ;)
 
I was very happy and excited to meet my boys, especially because I did not know what gender our kids would be before they were born. And I was very happy to be finished with labour! :lol: And I thought they were lovely and beautiful little creatures, so familiar to me in appearance because they looked like me. But my love with both has grown as I got to know them. It was not a transformative immediate love.

I also did not feel like becoming a mother changed me and transformed me, like many a mommy-myth prescribes.
 
Not me either. I believe my first words upon seeing her were, "Oh, she's kind of cute." I was surprised that she was cute to me at all.

A few days in (I was in the hospital for a week), I remember holding her and falling in love. I just started crying. The responsibility, the fear, the love, all at once. And I have no idea what triggered it to come right then.
 
Back in the day we had longer hospital stays, experienced nurses helped with breastfeeding and we attended classes where we learned how to bathe, diaper and swaddle our newborns. After 2 or 3 days of being taken care of by nurses and not doing any work other than breastfeeding, us new mothers felt prepared to go home with a baby. Babies stayed in the nursery all night except when breastfeeding and we got to sleep and heal.

I am disappointed that these days they send you home so soon and unprepared. Too bad hospitals have become germ zones.
 
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