Infidelity

[les12]

I don't know that this necessarily warrants a new thread, but the Eva and Tony divorce got me thinking.

It seems like everywhere you look nowadays infidelity is thrown in your face. In the media, on television, in everyday life amongst friends. Does it ever make any of you paranoid?

I might seem a little naive for saying this, but sometimes I worry that one day down the line temptation may enter my marriage. I trust my husband completely and know in my heart he would never do something so hurtful to me (and never has even remotely in our 8+ years together) but still I can't shake the fact that it's everywhere! Seeing (possibly bogus) "studies" about the percentage of men or women who cheat on their spouses sends chills down my spine!

My husband and I have discussed this before. It's been determined, if cheating occurs in our marriage, it is over. I simply would not tolerate it and I would never expect him to either.

Anyway, does this ever cross anyone else's mind? I know, I know, if I'm confident in our marriage I don't need to worry about it. I have my own theories for why I am so paranoid but I won't get into that now haha!

 

[somethingshiny]

Actually i think you SHOULD worry about it. If you're aware of it, you have a better chance at preventing it.

I really don't think DH or I would ever cheat on one another. However, my mama didn't raise no fool. I know that the statistics for infidelity are quite high. DH and I have certain rules for our marriage. These are things we decided on before we were married.

For us, there is no friendship with the opposite sex. We both believe that if you're that close with someone you have lots in common with, attraction will probably eventually occur. In the heat of the moment, it could be hard to say no. No phone calls, texts, emails, etc. We also don't drink without each other except on very rare occasions. We are aware that drinking leads to bad choices from experience.

It's not hard to live this way. My close guy friends kinda faded out after DH and I got together. It's nothing that I even really thought about, it just happened. The same with DH.

To me, marriage is sacred and should be protected. Prevention is the first line of protection.

 

[athenaworth]

My husband cheated, but really it was the icing on the very big cake, but when he got caught it was like he finally realized he loved me. We're currently going to therapy and working through it, but it's been verrry hard for me. I still can't say that we're going to be OK, but something about how he responded immediately after he was caught has made me want to work on us. I guess all I can say is that it's never black and white, no matter how strongly you think you feel about it now.

 

[athenaworth]

Actually i think you SHOULD worry about it. If you're aware of it, you have a better chance at preventing it.

I really don't think DH or I would ever cheat on one another. However, my mama didn't raise no fool. I know that the statistics for infidelity are quite high. DH and I have certain rules for our marriage. These are things we decided on before we were married.

For us, there is no friendship with the opposite sex. We both believe that if you're that close with someone you have lots in common with, attraction will probably eventually occur. In the heat of the moment, it could be hard to say no. No phone calls, texts, emails, etc. We also don't drink without each other except on very rare occasions. We are aware that drinking leads to bad choices from experience.

It's not hard to live this way. My close guy friends kinda faded out after DH and I got together. It's nothing that I even really thought about, it just happened. The same with DH.

To me, marriage is sacred and should be protected. Prevention is the first line of protection.

I like those rules. They're very smart.

 

[iLander]

I COMPLETELY agree with SomethingShiny!

You have to be aware that attraction to someone of the opposite sex is healthy and natural (who doesn't like George Clooney? ) and sooner or later the temptation will be there. If you are aware of the possibility, you can prepare with exit lines, avoidance of compromising situations, and strategies with what to do if you feel yourself slipping. If you ignore it, you can easily get surprised, and next thing you know, you're at a convention and some guy is kissing you in the elevator.

It sounds paranoid, I know. I have been married for 27 years, though, and I can tell you it's the truth. When either my DH or myself are going into a situation (client meeting with opposite sex, out of town on business without spouse, etc) we talk about it ahead of time.

You said it yourself, there is infidelity everywhere. You and your DH may be faithful, but a lot of people aren't and they will just test the waters to see if you're receptive. What would you say/do?

You need a plan, girl.

With whole scenarios, etc., not just a heartfelt "We'll be faithful, we swear". That's nice, but that's only half of it.

 

[iLander]

My husband cheated, but really it was the icing on the very big cake, but when he got caught it was like he finally realized he loved me. We're currently going to therapy and working through it, but it's been verrry hard for me. I still can't say that we're going to be OK, but something about how he responded immediately after he was caught has made me want to work on us. I guess all I can say is that it's never black and white, no matter how strongly you think you feel about it now.

I also agree with this. I often hear big talk about "if he cheats, he's out the door!", but I don't think you really know unless it happens within your own marriage. My DH and I have been completely faithful all this time, but I'm not sure I could just kick him out if he slipped.

One of my cousins, her DH cheated several times, and she's still with him 10+ years later, so they worked through it somehow. Best of luck to you Athena!

 

[iLander]

I might seem a little naive for saying this, but sometimes I worry that one day down the line temptation may enter my marriage.

Not naive, smart!

 

[chemgirl]

My husband cheated, but really it was the icing on the very big cake, but when he got caught it was like he finally realized he loved me. We're currently going to therapy and working through it, but it's been verrry hard for me. I still can't say that we're going to be OK, but something about how he responded immediately after he was caught has made me want to work on us. I guess all I can say is that it's never black and white, no matter how strongly you think you feel about it now.

I also agree with this. I often hear big talk about "if he cheats, he's out the door!", but I don't think you really know unless it happens within your own marriage. My DH and I have been completely faithful all this time, but I'm not sure I could just kick him out if he slipped.

One of my cousins, her DH cheated several times, and she's still with him 10+ years later, so they worked through it somehow. Best of luck to you Athena!

I don't know why, but I'm amused by your using the word "slipped." I use it for things like cheating on my diet. To me, if I cheated on my husband I ffffed up big time, I didn't slip.

 

[les12]

Actually i think you SHOULD worry about it. If you're aware of it, you have a better chance at preventing it.

I really don't think DH or I would ever cheat on one another. However, my mama didn't raise no fool. I know that the statistics for infidelity are quite high. DH and I have certain rules for our marriage. These are things we decided on before we were married.

For us, there is no friendship with the opposite sex. We both believe that if you're that close with someone you have lots in common with, attraction will probably eventually occur. In the heat of the moment, it could be hard to say no. No phone calls, texts, emails, etc. We also don't drink without each other except on very rare occasions. We are aware that drinking leads to bad choices from experience.

It's not hard to live this way. My close guy friends kinda faded out after DH and I got together. It's nothing that I even really thought about, it just happened. The same with DH.

To me, marriage is sacred and should be protected. Prevention is the first line of protection.

That's a really great idea. We've talked many times about how we'd never cheat on each other, etc, etc, but to have a concrete plan in action would ease my worries a lot I think. Great advice, thank you!

 

[kelpie]

I think it's the people who are so publicly affectionate and in your face that have a higher incidence of fidelity problems. Like the people who post wow much they WUV their honeymunchin all over facebook and fight and make up in public too. People very confident in their relationships rarely do this. It's like slow and steady wins the race. I don't want to say I'm immune to being blindsided (my sister was blindsided and they have a happy marriage today and were never the PDA types) but I have a lot of confidence. So much that neither of us feels threatened by the prospects of nights out on the town w/o the other, strip clubs, or close friendships with the member of the opposite sex. I think there's something to be said when you just feel like there's nothing to worry about. It's not being smug, it's having faith in eachother and liking their character. If that faith is one sided then you worry. One thing I've read is that that when someone has disdain for their partner, that is the most destructive feeling in a relationship.

 

[lyra]

My husband cheated, but really it was the icing on the very big cake, but when he got caught it was like he finally realized he loved me. We're currently going to therapy and working through it, but it's been verrry hard for me. I still can't say that we're going to be OK, but something about how he responded immediately after he was caught has made me want to work on us. I guess all I can say is that it's never black and white, no matter how strongly you think you feel about it now.

I agree with this. You have to work on your marriage from the start to the end, no matter the length of time in between. Open communication is a must as is honestly and trust. I think many couples give up when the road gets bumpy for whatever reason, instead of trying everything possible to work it out first. YMMV of course.

 

[iLander]

My husband cheated, but really it was the icing on the very big cake, but when he got caught it was like he finally realized he loved me. We're currently going to therapy and working through it, but it's been verrry hard for me. I still can't say that we're going to be OK, but something about how he responded immediately after he was caught has made me want to work on us. I guess all I can say is that it's never black and white, no matter how strongly you think you feel about it now.

I also agree with this. I often hear big talk about "if he cheats, he's out the door!", but I don't think you really know unless it happens within your own marriage. My DH and I have been completely faithful all this time, but I'm not sure I could just kick him out if he slipped.

One of my cousins, her DH cheated several times, and she's still with him 10+ years later, so they worked through it somehow. Best of luck to you Athena!

I don't know why, but I'm amused by your using the word "slipped." I use it for things like cheating on my diet. To me, if I cheated on my husband I ffffed up big time, I didn't slip.

Oh, I know. I just try not to curse and it's hard to come up with a polite word for it when you're typing quickly . . .

 

[les12]

I COMPLETELY agree with SomethingShiny!

You have to be aware that attraction to someone of the opposite sex is healthy and natural (who doesn't like George Clooney? ) and sooner or later the temptation will be there. If you are aware of the possibility, you can prepare with exit lines, avoidance of compromising situations, and strategies with what to do if you feel yourself slipping. If you ignore it, you can easily get surprised, and next thing you know, you're at a convention and some guy is kissing you in the elevator.

It sounds paranoid, I know. I have been married for 27 years, though, and I can tell you it's the truth. When either my DH or myself are going into a situation (client meeting with opposite sex, out of town on business without spouse, etc) we talk about it ahead of time.

You said it yourself, there is infidelity everywhere. You and your DH may be faithful, but a lot of people aren't and they will just test the waters to see if you're receptive. What would you say/do?

You need a plan, girl.

With whole scenarios, etc., not just a heartfelt "We'll be faithful, we swear". That's nice, but that's only half of it.

You're right that temptation can get the best of us. Although I can swear up and down that I will never cheat, it's best to avoid certain situations in order to prevent that temptation.

Athena, you are so right that you never know how you'll react until you are in that position. I love my husband very much and it would indeed be extremely difficult to just pick up and leave if it should occur. Hopefully it will never come to that point. I'm sorry you're dealing with that, I hope everything works out for you both!

ETA: Kelpie, I totally agree that those in-your-face couples often have something to hide. However comfortable I am with our marriage though, I don't think I'll ever be comfortable with him attending strip clubs. But that's just my personal feeling. In a way I envy women who are comfortable enough to be ok with that, but I don't know that I'll ever get there haha.

 

[chemgirl]

My husband cheated, but really it was the icing on the very big cake, but when he got caught it was like he finally realized he loved me. We're currently going to therapy and working through it, but it's been verrry hard for me. I still can't say that we're going to be OK, but something about how he responded immediately after he was caught has made me want to work on us. I guess all I can say is that it's never black and white, no matter how strongly you think you feel about it now.

I also agree with this. I often hear big talk about "if he cheats, he's out the door!", but I don't think you really know unless it happens within your own marriage. My DH and I have been completely faithful all this time, but I'm not sure I could just kick him out if he slipped.

One of my cousins, her DH cheated several times, and she's still with him 10+ years later, so they worked through it somehow. Best of luck to you Athena!

I don't know why, but I'm amused by your using the word "slipped." I use it for things like cheating on my diet. To me, if I cheated on my husband I ffffed up big time, I didn't slip.

Oh, I know. I just try not to curse and it's hard to come up with a polite word for it when you're typing quickly . . .

Haha that makes sense. I was trying for a bad, yet not vulgar word and I gave up!

 

[April20]

Infidelity IS everywhere. It's in the media, slapping us in the face every day. Almost to the point that it's "expected" to happen and we should all just sit back and accept it. I don't think so.

DH and I are each other's best friend. We spend the majority of our time outside of work together. We don't have close friends of the opposite sex and unless there's a purposeful reason, there isn't any texting or phoning someone else. We don't spend time alone with someone of the opposite sex either. It's just not smart. Why invite a situation to occur?

I think it's the responsility of every couple to take the steps- put "rules" in place- to protect the marriage. That's not to say that if that groundwork is done, infidelity will NEVER occur, but I'd stake money on it happening a lot less frequently.

 

[les12]

I'm glad to see so many of you having actual rules. I guess I thought it would be uptight of me to implement something like that with my husband. We've been together for years but only married about 6 months ago. Since the wedding I feel this urgency to make sure our marriage is protected from things like this. I know we both want to be faithful to each other always and laying the groundwork is just what we need. Thanks again for all of the input - it is very much appreciated and I feel better already

 

[Hera]

The only rule we have is to not have opposite sex friends. My husband is in the military so we have to have a lot of trust in our relationship. Whenever he goes on deployments he hangs out with guys that are faithful to their wives. I don't tell him to do that but I guess so many men cheat on deployment that he does that to avoid being in awkward situations. There's a lot at stake when it comes to men and infidelity in foreign countries like Thailand, where there are large amounts of prostitution and subsequently high HIV and venereal disease rates. I heard one time that a boat came back from Thailand and hundreds of men were HIV positive.

Still, it could happen to anyone and I do my best to not think about it. I could waste a lot of time dwelling on it, wondering about it etc. but I would be wasting a lot of time. I know that I hold a strong connection to my husband and if there was a shift in that, then I would be concerned.

 

[Haven]

My husband cheated, but really it was the icing on the very big cake, but when he got caught it was like he finally realized he loved me. We're currently going to therapy and working through it, but it's been verrry hard for me. I still can't say that we're going to be OK, but something about how he responded immediately after he was caught has made me want to work on us. I guess all I can say is that it's never black and white, no matter how strongly you think you feel about it now.

Athena--I hope you two can work it out, and I applaud you for sharing your story here on PS.

 

[les12]

The only rule we have is to not have opposite sex friends. My husband is in the military so we have to have a lot of trust in our relationship. Whenever he goes on deployments he hangs out with guys that are faithful to their wives. I don't tell him to do that but I guess so many men cheat on deployment that he does that to avoid being in awkward situations. There's a lot at stake when it comes to men and infidelity in foreign countries like Thailand, where there are large amounts of prostitution and subsequently high HIV and venereal disease rates. I heard one time that a boat came back from Thailand and hundreds of men were HIV positive.

Still, it could happen to anyone and I do my best to not think about it. I could waste a lot of time dwelling on it, wondering about it etc. but I would be wasting a lot of time. I know that I hold a strong connection to my husband and if there was a shift in that, then I would be concerned.

Up until today I find that I have been thinking about it a lot. My husband is currently doing an offshore rotation that's 3 weeks here, 3 weeks there, and while there is no possibility of him being exposed to anything like this while he's away, it's still hard to be without him here. He's living on a rig essentially with pretty much all men so nothing to worry about there. I just miss him terribly and have been thinking about how hard it would be to be without him, therefore I've been thinking about this topic and other ways to strengthen our marriage a lot. Anyway, I'm just rambling. Thanks for your response, hera.

 

[Lauren8211]

My husband and I talk about this all of the time.

I am very surprised at how many of you don't allow opposite sex friends. Shocked, even. I think cheating happens when things at home are not going well. I don't see how having a friend of the opposite sex would make you stray if you were happy.

 

[Haven]

I think it's interesting to hear that people feel like infidelity is everywhere. I don't feel like that at all, but I imagine it has everything to do with the type of media I consume vs. the type of media others consume. They don't really report on celebrity infidelity scandals on NPR.

That being said, my father started cheating on my mother in 2001/2002, and it led to their eventual divorce in 2008 after 30 years of marriage, so it's not like I living in a cheat-free world or anything. (My paternal grandparents divorced after 55 years of marriage; apparently my grandmother had cheated on my grandfather throughout their marriage.)

As for us, we've discussed this issue before, mostly after spending time with my parents when it came up with either of them. I can say that the *idea* of my husband cheating on me, or of me cheating on my husband, is truly inconceivable to me at this moment. (I understand that things change, yadda yadda, but I can only speak for myself, right now, as I am, so here it is.) In general, I cannot fathom either one of us doing anything outrageously disrespectful to the other, and cheating falls neatly under that category, I'd say.

In addition, I also cannot believe that there is *anything* my husband could do that would make me think of him differently, love him less, stop trusting him, etc. I just can't. We've talked about this a couple of times, as well, after being with couples who voiced certain things about their marriage that really shocked us. We are very solidly in each other's corner at all times, no questions asked, that it just seems impossible to me that either one of us would do something terrible to the other.

I know, I know--go ahead and throw tomatoes my way. My best friend and I have very different beliefs (responses? I'm not sure of the right word, here) about this sort of thing, and through our many conversations I've learned that couples vary widely in the way they think about each other. (Of course! This shouldn't surprise me, but it does.) In my relationship, with my husband, I feel very much like I am married to my counterpart in every way. I know without a doubt that he will support me no matter what, that he is thinking about me and our best interests with every decision he makes throughout the day, and I just can't conceive of it being any other way.

We don't have any rules about friends of the opposite sex, or anything like that. I have a handful of male friends, DH has two female friends who have been in his life for over 20 years. It's never posed any problems for us.

I can share that before I was married I very strongly believed that I would immediately leave a relationship if my partner cheated on me. Now that I'm married, I can no longer say that. Just as I said that I cannot even conceive of him ever doing that to me, on the flip side I also cannot imagine feeling any differently about him under any circumstances, no matter what he does. It sounds insane, I'm sure, but it's the truth. I love that man, I want to share my life with him, and nothing is going to change that.

 

[somethingshiny]

My husband and I talk about this all of the time.

I am very surprised at how many of you don't allow opposite sex friends. Shocked, even. I think cheating happens when things at home are not going well. I don't see how having a friend of the opposite sex would make you stray if you were happy.

This is the root of my thoughts on the subject. I do not believe in soul mates. I think it is utterly naive to believe that ONE person will fulfill all of your needs sexually, emotionally, spiritually, philosophically, and mentally. That is too much to ask of one person. Any one of those topics broached on an intimate level with a member of the opposite sex can, in my opinion, open doors that are better left closed. Even if you are happy with your spouse, but you connect with another person on an intimate level, I believe infidelity can occur. By removing the opposite sex, you're ensuring that sexually you are the only one available. All other areas can be met with a same sex friend. There is nothing that another man can provide me that I can't get from my husband or a girlfriend. And ditto with him. Neither he nor I feel like we're missing anything by not having opposite sex friends. Additionally, (and this is getting TMI), I know what kind of a person I am. I like sex a lot. And, although I really believe it would never happen, if DH and I were on an extended dry spell, I have to acknowledge that if I had a close friend of the opposite sex who I felt connected with I might have a stronger temptation to stray. I think anyone with a strong libido can understand that even if they don't agree. So for us, it's definitely the way to go.

 

[les12]

I think it's interesting to hear that people feel like infidelity is everywhere. I don't feel like that at all, but I imagine it has everything to do with the type of media I consume vs. the type of media others consume. They don't really report on celebrity infidelity scandals on NPR.

That being said, my father started cheating on my mother in 2001/2002, and it led to their eventual divorce in 2008 after 30 years of marriage, so it's not like I living in a cheat-free world or anything. (My paternal grandparents divorced after 55 years of marriage; apparently my grandmother had cheated on my grandfather throughout their marriage.)

As for us, we've discussed this issue before, mostly after spending time with my parents when it came up with either of them. I can say that the *idea* of my husband cheating on me, or of me cheating on my husband, is truly inconceivable to me at this moment. (I understand that things change, yadda yadda, but I can only speak for myself, right now, as I am, so here it is.) In general, I cannot fathom either one of us doing anything outrageously disrespectful to the other, and cheating falls neatly under that category, I'd say.

In addition, I also cannot believe that there is *anything* my husband could do that would make me think of him differently, love him less, stop trusting him, etc. I just can't. We've talked about this a couple of times, as well, after being with couples who voiced certain things about their marriage that really shocked us. We are very solidly in each other's corner at all times, no questions asked, that it just seems impossible to me that either one of us would do something terrible to the other.

I know, I know--go ahead and throw tomatoes my way. My best friend and I have very different beliefs (responses? I'm not sure of the right word, here) about this sort of thing, and through our many conversations I've learned that couples vary widely in the way they think about each other. (Of course! This shouldn't surprise me, but it does.) In my relationship, with my husband, I feel very much like I am married to my counterpart in every way. I know without a doubt that he will support me no matter what, that he is thinking about me and our best interests with every decision he makes throughout the day, and I just can't conceive of it being any other way.

We don't have any rules about friends of the opposite sex, or anything like that. I have a handful of male friends, DH has two female friends who have been in his life for over 20 years. It's never posed any problems for us.

I can share that before I was married I very strongly believed that I would immediately leave a relationship if my partner cheated on me. Now that I'm married, I can no longer say that. Just as I said that I cannot even conceive of him ever doing that to me, on the flip side I also cannot imagine feeling any differently about him under any circumstances, no matter what he does. It sounds insane, I'm sure, but it's the truth. I love that man, I want to share my life with him, and nothing is going to change that.

Haven, I completely understand what you are saying. I think that since my marriage is so "fresh" I can't rely on my feelings that everything will always be perfect for us. Of course we want it to be. Honestly, neither of us really believe in divorce. I realize I'm contradicting what I previously said about it being "over" if either of us were ever to cheat. I guess I said that because I can never foresee it happening so there would ideally never come a day when I had to choose.

We come from very different backgrounds. He is completely secure in our marriage and I am the one who has the small worries here and there. His parents have a fabulous relationship, mine were unhappy for a long period during my childhood. They are much better now, no infidelity took place and they never divorced, but I know that I never want our relationship to suffer like theirs did. So while I'd love to be as laid back as he is in all aspects of our marriage, it's always something I'm going to be actively working on to make sure we don't end up that way. Hope that makes sense..

 

[Lauren8211]

My husband and I talk about this all of the time.

I am very surprised at how many of you don't allow opposite sex friends. Shocked, even. I think cheating happens when things at home are not going well. I don't see how having a friend of the opposite sex would make you stray if you were happy.

This is the root of my thoughts on the subject. I do not believe in soul mates. I think it is utterly naive to believe that ONE person will fulfill all of your needs sexually, emotionally, spiritually, philosophically, and mentally. That is too much to ask of one person. Any one of those topics broached on an intimate level with a member of the opposite sex can, in my opinion, open doors that are better left closed. Even if you are happy with your spouse, but you connect with another person on an intimate level, I believe infidelity can occur. By removing the opposite sex, you're ensuring that sexually you are the only one available. All other areas can be met with a same sex friend. There is nothing that another man can provide me that I can't get from my husband or a girlfriend. And ditto with him. Neither he nor I feel like we're missing anything by not having opposite sex friends. Additionally, (and this is getting TMI), I know what kind of a person I am. I like sex a lot. And, although I really believe it would never happen, if DH and I were on an extended dry spell, I have to acknowledge that if I had a close friend of the opposite sex who I felt connected with I might have a stronger temptation to stray. I think anyone with a strong libido can understand that even if they don't agree. So for us, it's definitely the way to go.

I agree with what you said about one person not always being able to meet all of your needs. That makes sense. The part that does not make sense to me is the choosing to cheat for whatever reason... because thats what it is - a choice. Yes, you can be attracted to someone while married, and maybe even more so when there is a dry spell or other problems going on. My husband and I feel very strongly that our marriage is to be respected, and that means there is no cheating. Ever. No matter what. Things don't just "happen" physically. They're always a choice, and you can always say no. If my husband was seriously considering straying, he would come to me and we'd talk about it because that's the type of relationship we have. We don't lie and cheat. We come to one another with honesty and figure it out. We'd divorce before we'd cheat.

 

[Haven]

les--I understand what you're saying and I think it's all completely valid, and healthy to think about and discuss these things. (Also: I didn't write my post as a response to anything you said specifically about your marriage, so I'm sorry if it came across that way.)

My husband and I have only been together since June 2004, and married since July 2008, so we're probably pretty fresh, too. I didn't mean to sound as if our marriage is perfect, because I don't think it is. I tried to express how I feel about him, and how he feels about me, and honestly I had a really difficult time doing it. However, I feel as you do when you write "I guess I said that because I can never foresee it happening so there would ideally never come a day when I had to choose." So perhaps we have similar feelings on this topic.

I really can't explain it, but it is just plain incomprehensible to me to think of my husband making *any* choice in the world that would result in me thinking differently about him, even if he did something bad. I know he feels the same way about me, as we've had some really great discussions about this. Gah--I think I just repeated what I wrote in my last post. Sorry.

And besides, we don't have to agree with each other, or even believe each other. I think this is a great thread, and as someone who watched a loooong marriage dissolve (ultimately) at the hands of fidelity, I think it's an important subject for all couples to discuss. I have no idea how I would feel if my husband cheated on me, but I know that I wouldn't leave him or our marriage as a result of it. (Again--I'm sure I wrote very different posts about this very subject before we were married. My view on this has drastically changed since we've married.)

 

[somethingshiny]

DH and I also agree to divorce before cheat. I agree with what you're saying about it being a choice. If there is no man/ woman available it is a couple more choices to go make before going through with it. If there is a man/ woman that you already know, are comfortable with, find attractive, know what they're schedule is, etc, it seems like it would be a fair amount easier to commit the act.

eta~ Also, throughout a marriage, there are times when you're not happy with your spouse. If we still respect each other and our rules, we can make it through those dips in our marriage. Again, for us, prevention is the first line of protection.

 

[les12]

Haven, for me it's also practically impossible to imagine something like this happening. I also think sometimes that if I continue worrying about it, it would no doubt drive a wedge between my husband and I.

We both care about each other very much, and it does seem incomprehensible that anything would cause one of us to hurt the other so badly. However, I'm sure that no one who has cheated ever started their relationship intending on cheating. Therefore, it's important to be aware of the possibility.

Also, don't worry, you said nothing to offend me

 

[les12]

DH and I also agree to divorce before cheat. I agree with what you're saying about it being a choice. If there is no man/ woman available it is a couple more choices to go make before going through with it. If there is a man/ woman that you already know, are comfortable with, find attractive, know what they're schedule is, etc, it seems like it would be a fair amount easier to commit the act.

eta~ Also, throughout a marriage, there are times when you're not happy with your spouse. If we still respect each other and our rules, we can make it through those dips in our marriage. Again, for us, prevention is the first line of protection.

Somethingshiny, I agree with this.

For my husband and I, nearly all of our friends are other couples who we have known for the past several years. Neither of us currently really have friends of the opposite sex who aren't also friends of the other. I would draw the line at a friend of his of the opposite sex whom I had never met. I think that if it's a mutual friend I could easily be more comfortable with that.

 

[NewEnglandLady]

This is an interesting topic for me because I feel like any person is capable of cheating. Being married does not preclude a person from finding another person attractive. Or from wondering "what if" about a coworker who is smart, charming, funny, blah blah blah. I say this because I'm not naive about what CAN happen in everyday life in platonic, everyday relationships. I fully realize that small crushes can develop momentum and turn into something destructive.

That being said, I just don't feel any insecurity when it comes to my husband. Nor does he feel any insecurity with me. I really do trust him 150%. I wouldn't keep him from having a friendship with another woman, but it's also easy for me to say that because D is very respectful in that regard. He would find it inappropriate to have lunch or dinner alone with a female friend, even if I said it was not a big deal. In the end, we both realize we have way too much to lose by taking the risk with infidelity.

In some ways, I feel the same as Haven. D is always putting our marriage first. He's no selfish and his decisions are always based on what will improve our lives. On the other hand, if he were to do something selfish and hurtful, it WOULD change how I felt about him. I told him long before we were married that my love is conditional. I don't believe in unconditional love between two adults and if he exhibited any "dealbreaker" behavior, I would leave.

I do think it would be harder for me to leave if kids were involved and it's something we sometimes discuss when we talk about starting a family.

 

[les12]

This is an interesting topic for me because I feel like any person is capable of cheating. Being married does not preclude a person from finding another person attractive. Or from wondering "what if" about a coworker who is smart, charming, funny, blah blah blah. I say this because I'm not naive about what CAN happen in everyday life in platonic, everyday relationships. I fully realize that small crushes can develop momentum and turn into something destructive.

That being said, I just don't feel any insecurity when it comes to my husband. Nor does he feel any insecurity with me. I really do trust him 150%. I wouldn't keep him from having a friendship with another woman, but it's also easy for me to say that because D is very respectful in that regard. He would find it inappropriate to have lunch or dinner alone with a female friend, even if I said it was not a big deal. In the end, we both realize we have way too much to lose by taking the risk with infidelity.

In some ways, I feel the same as Haven. D is always putting our marriage first. He's no selfish and his decisions are always based on what will improve our lives. On the other hand, if he were to do something selfish and hurtful, it WOULD change how I felt about him. I told him long before we were married that my love is conditional. I don't believe in unconditional love between two adults and if he exhibited any "dealbreaker" behavior, I would leave.

I do think it would be harder for me to leave if kids were involved and it's something we sometimes discuss when we talk about starting a family.

NewEngland, my husband is similar to yours in that he would also find it inappropriate to be with another woman, for lunch or whatever the case may be, and would most likely never attempt to even if I was ok with it.

It's really interesting what you say about it being a deal breaker for you. It's funny how this thread is sort of pulling me back and forth on that issue. Everyone has great reasons for why it is they would react in a certain way. I guess I am somewhere in the middle. I'm not sure what would be harder, being without my husband, or staying with him knowing that he did something to deliberately hurt me. I believe I would work as hard as I could to get past it and stay with him, but I know it would for sure have a lasting effect on me. I guess it's best to have the discussion (often) and avoid the situation altogether.