Income levels and relationships

[kenny]

Do you think it is best when your and your SO's income levels are similar?

Or does love make this not a factor, and if it is a factor you two have some work to do?

 

[stone-cold11]

Kenny, wrong sub-forum again???

 

[Lula]

Date: 6/13/2010 9:56:15 PM
Author: Stone-cold11
Kenny, wrong sub-forum again???

Kenny, a Freudian would have a field day with this new habit of yours...

 

[isaku5]

It''s all about ''the rocks'' for Kenny

. Considering his asscher and Octavia, he may be right.

 

[CharmyPoo]

I think it is best when income levels are similar for many reasons. The reality is that this isn''t always the case and there are many successful relationships where there is an income inbalance. It''s about the couple and how they make it work.

 

[Amethyste]

I think when income are at the same level - when making huge purchases like a home and such, i feel that both voices are heard more equally... it''s hard to explain...

 

[RaiKai]

Wrong sub-forum again!

To answer since this will be moved, when DH and I first met he had the higher income -quite a bit so as I was back in school. A few months later he took an early retirement, and I started work...so I had only income for a year or so while he was in school for a while. Now he is working again but I still have higher income, and in a job where I probably will always have the higher income, and should we have kids DH will likely stay at home bringing us back to me being sole income again.

This is not a concern for us. We consider both our efforts of equal value and the income from those efforts to be shared, just as our non work contributions (around home and such) are and also help us with our incomes. When DH was not working for example he was amazing around the house so that I could put my efforts in at work and not have to worry about the house too (I still did housework, just not as much as he).

Neither of us consider work to be *just about the money* either so to that degree the income is not a huge concern. We would rather be doing something we enjoyed for less, than something we despised for more. There are times money has been tight, and we could get bummed out temporarily. but we adjust as required as a team and reminded one each other we are a team. It is more important that we are open and honest about finances and work as a team financially (as elsewhere!).

 

[RaiKai]

To add - this view that our incomes are a result of team efforts, and that we are a team, means we never see one of us as having more of a *voice* in financial decisions than others. We do have both individual and joint accounts, but are open about all our finances, financial goals, budgets and so on.

I can say we both had previous relationships (common law) where such power/control issues due to income levels were more apparent, but those were about much deeper issues than income disparities.

 

[missydebby]

Nope.

My hubby is a computer programmer and is the bread winner. I''m a non paid housewife. More important is how you spend the money. Do you happily live within your means? Do you keep yourselves out of debt? Do you discuss and agree upon large purchases?

We''re not Rockafellers but we live like kings. Honestly, respectfully, and happily.

 

[CharmyPoo]

Out of curiousity - for the house wives and husbands, how do you get spending money? My fiance and I maintain our own expenses although we have lived together for years and own our home together. I never have to ask for permission to buy anything as it comes out of my money. We do consult each other on big purchases or purchases that impact us. I just can''t imagine if I didn''t make money and had to ask for money to buy something I wanted.

 

[ImpatientOne]

Personally, I don't think it matters. When my husband and I first met, he was an E4 in the Army, living in the barracks and not making a lot of $. I was an IT professional making close to 6 figures. We dated and fell in love and nothing else mattered. I was laid off last year (after a couple of years of marriage). He has since been promoted several ranks and makes more $, and I stay home, go to school and collect unemployment. We both make the financial decisions together. Not sure if I will ever go back to work, at least not full time, and he supports me in that, saying he just wants me to be happy...

 

[Phoenix]

Date: 6/13/2010 11:31:24 PM
Author: CharmyPoo
Out of curiousity - for the house wives and husbands, how do you get spending money? My fiance and I maintain our own expenses although we have lived together for years and own our home together. I never have to ask for permission to buy anything as it comes out of my money. We do consult each other on big purchases or purchases that impact us. I just can't imagine if I didn't make money and had to ask for money to buy something I wanted.

When we first met, I earned a lot more than DH did, as I was on a full expat package and he was working for his slave-driving brother (ok, only j/k - well, a little bit!

). During our relationship, his career really blossomed and his income level also went up accordingly. I'm now not wroking since I followed him to China where he'd always wanted to live and work (albeit only for a few years).

We initially maintained separate accounts and when I was working I took money out of mine for stuff like lunch, transportation and more personal expenditure like make-up, clothes, shoes, handbags and smaller bling purchases. However, with larger purchases, like our house, investments etc. we always consulted each other before we actually committed. Now, he either takes cash out of the ATM and gives me half or I go to the ATM and take it out myself. Still, if I'm comtemplating taking out a substantial sum of money (say if I'm going on a trip and need the cash for spending) or if I want to buy something big, I'll always let him know. He does the same.


Sara, the comment about the Freudian slip is hilarious!

 

[MrsBettyBoop]

Well said missydebby!

Date: 6/13/2010 11:31:24 PM
Author: CharmyPoo
Out of curiousity - for the house wives and husbands, how do you get spending money? My fiance and I maintain our own expenses although we have lived together for years and own our home together. I never have to ask for permission to buy anything as it comes out of my money. We do consult each other on big purchases or purchases that impact us. I just can''t imagine if I didn''t make money and had to ask for money to buy something I wanted.

Good question CharmyPoo. I wonder how this works for others as well.

My husband and I have separate but linked bank accounts. I have access to his, and he has to mine. When we sign in online to our account, the other account is visible as well. We have a main AMEX that we mostly use for everything and pay off every month. I grocery shop, and get small household items and clothes as I please.

I usually transfer over petty cash into my account every now and again so I can ebay/amaz
on/whatever. I like to shop online. He buys a ton of computer and electronic stuff and informs me of any major purchase which I''m free to decline if I so choose but I pretty much feel like I have to build a case to make a large purchase. He argues that his large purchases are for the household and mine are just for me. Meh.

About the end of last year I got tired of having to convince him why I needed X so I said that I was ready to go back to work. He got upset because he felt like I was saying he didn''t provide good enough for me

But I also really wanted to go to work for my own independence.

So now I''ve got a new job and I''ll get to buy lots of toys!

He will still pay all the bills but I will have to pay for child care. The rest of my paycheck will likely buy toys for us all.

 

[elrohwen]

I do appreciate that DH and I are at the same income level. I know all of our money is shared, but if one of us was making twice as much, I think it could be strange. For example, if he made twice as much as me, I would feel bad for going out to buy shoes or clothes, because I would be spending "his" money. I know that's totally silly, but I don't think I could help thoughts like that sneaking into my head. Maybe after living with that situation for a few years I wouldn't notice anymore, but initially it would be strange to me.

We have the same degree, from the same college, and will shortly be working for the same company in the same industry, so our income is about as close as it can be, and I kind of like it that way. I'm sure we would get used to it if one of us made significantly more though.

eta: At the moment, I'm unemployed and my unemployment checks bring in around half of what he makes, so I have some experience with the scenario I wrote about above. I do feel strange spending any "fun" money, even though we're certainly not suffering, because he's the one "working" for the money, while I stay at home. If I was a SAHM, there would be some adjustment as I wouldn't initially feel that it was my money to spend on things just for me, since I wasn't "working" for it.

 

[MrsBettyBoop]

My new salary is nice but it doesn''t touch DH''s... in a few years he will literally make 5X what I can. Everything is technically ours and I don''t mind spending his money

but I do like having my own money as well.

 

[missydebby]

Good question Charmypoo.

We might be an unusual case. All our accounts are joint. I never have to ask for money and never have to justify. It''s never an issue because I spend way under our means. Basically, for anything over 500 we ask each other, more just to let each other know than for permission. Under that, no asking/telling necessary. I have NO problem not making a traditional salary. I am a semi-professional artist, and when I sell work, we take turns blowing the extra money.

 

[swingirl]

Date: 6/13/2010 11:31:24 PM
Author: CharmyPoo
Out of curiousity - for the house wives and husbands, how do you get spending money? My fiance and I maintain our own expenses although we have lived together for years and own our home together. I never have to ask for permission to buy anything as it comes out of my money. We do consult each other on big purchases or purchases that impact us. I just can't imagine if I didn't make money and had to ask for money to buy something I wanted.

Our money is all together. I spend what I want without asking and we discuss large purchases. We have common financial goals so there isn't anything I would spend money on that would be "out of line". Our financial arrangement has been the same since we lived together. It just makes sense. As a couple you are a unit, whether you are working, unemployed, retired, pregnant or ill.

I can't imagine asking my husband if I can buy a new pair of shoes. Does anyone do that anymore?

But I can see how some couples might have issue with very different income levels if it means one partner is lazy while the other busts their behind to keep up with the bills.

 

[brazen_irish_hussy]

At the moment we make the same, almost nothing, but I work twice as many hours since I don''t have classes. For the last 3 years, I have usually made more, sometimes by a lot,but before that he made a lot more and it just alternates. I fully expect one of us will make a lot more money than the other and frankly, that''s fine as long as we are both working and we live well (being able to do the little things without having to worry about the bills). He wants to write and be a house husband and if we can afford that it would be ideal, but we will see what happens in the next few years.

 

[Arkteia]

I do not think it really matters, and if it does, there are clearly other things in play. I have seen many absolutely happy couples with drastically different incomes and many happy couples with similar incomes. The opposite also holds true.
One of my friends comes from China, and she is about 15 years older than I am. So she and her husband got married through a matchmaker. When her future husband''s mother went to see the matchmaker and the matchmaker asked, what should she look at when searching for a potential bride, the mom said, "equal level of education". Not that it is always important, just an interesting way to look at things.

 

[luv2sparkle]

I think it is a perfect arrangement, DH goes to work and earns the money and I stay home an spend it!!

We have always had only one account. There have been times when we talked about spending an extra 20 bucks in the early years, but now I purchase what I want and don''t even mention it.
He does the same, but probably not as much as me. But even that is not crazy. I have a household budget that I try to stay within, but sometimes it is not possible so we adjust.
For the first 10 years of our marriage I worked and we pooled all our money, but DH has always done the bills.


Like Missydebby, it works for us happily, When I inherited money when my family passed it belonged to both of us. We share and take turns.

 

[marcy]

It all goes in the same account and so it doesn''t really matter to us. I just lost my second job last month and we will both really miss that extra spending money.

 

[that_someone_special]

Date: 6/13/2010 10:34:42 PM
Author: Amethyste
I think when income are at the same level - when making huge purchases like a home and such, i feel that both voices are heard more equally... it''s hard to explain...

Yeah, I agree.

100%

 

[Dancing Fire]

we always had separate accounts.imagine begging a woman for money.

how can you get blood out of a turnip?

 

[JSM]

When DH and I met and started dating, we made about the same amount of money. Right after we got married, I got my MS degree but couldn't find a job. He was the only one working, and our savings and his salary were the only things paying the bills. Then he lost his job. After a couple of months where we were both unemployed, I found a great new job and we moved hundreds of miles away so I could start. He found part time retail work while he continued to job hunt in the new city, but he made barely $150 a week, so it wasn't much, and I was supporting the two of us. Finally, he found a great job and we are making about the same amount of money again.


Honestly, I always thought that making significantly different amounts would harm our relationship. But when he was supporting me financially, he was also supporting me emotionally, and I repaid the favor when our situations were reversed. I never thought he wasn't pulling his weight, as I knew how hard he was working not only at the crappy retail job, but also searching for something more permanent and in his field. I would support him through just about anything as long as he was doing his best, if he made 20k or 200k. And we've lived on 20k a year (barely, lol), so I know we can make it through just about anything!


The money we make goes into the same pot, and we consult each other over purchases because we want to, and because we are working towards joint goals. What is mine is his.

 

[Cehrabehra]

when my dh and I started dating I had an income and he did not... but he quickly joined the military and for a short while we both had one until we married and I moved. After another move I got a job but once I had a child I stopped and I haven''t worked for 16 years. I don''t think the huge gap has any effect over our love but if I made what he did we''d be in hog heaven!! lol

 

[Cehrabehra]

Date: 6/13/2010 11:31:24 PM
Author: CharmyPoo
Out of curiousity - for the house wives and husbands, how do you get spending money? My fiance and I maintain our own expenses although we have lived together for years and own our home together. I never have to ask for permission to buy anything as it comes out of my money. We do consult each other on big purchases or purchases that impact us. I just can''t imagine if I didn''t make money and had to ask for money to buy something I wanted.

I don''t ask permission either - it''s our money. I think in some ways this is another reason why marrying before you have anything is kind of handy.

 

[Cehrabehra]

Date: 6/14/2010 12:11:30 AM
Author: missydebby
Good question Charmypoo.


We might be an unusual case. All our accounts are joint. I never have to ask for money and never have to justify. It''s never an issue because I spend way under our means. Basically, for anything over 500 we ask each other, more just to let each other know than for permission. Under that, no asking/telling necessary. I have NO problem not making a traditional salary. I am a semi-professional artist, and when I sell work, we take turns blowing the extra money.

You''re not unusual to me Long ago we had a $50 rule that we made when he first got a job out of the military... and now I dunno... we discuss big purchases but I don''t think we have a set amount anymore, lord knows it''s not 50 bucks lol

 

[fieryred33143]

Date: 6/14/2010 5:06:44 AM
Author: Cehrabehra

Date: 6/13/2010 11:31:24 PM

Author: CharmyPoo

Out of curiousity - for the house wives and husbands, how do you get spending money? My fiance and I maintain our own expenses although we have lived together for years and own our home together. I never have to ask for permission to buy anything as it comes out of my money. We do consult each other on big purchases or purchases that impact us. I just can''t imagine if I didn''t make money and had to ask for money to buy something I wanted.

I don''t ask permission either - it''s our money. I think in some ways this is another reason why marrying before you have anything is kind of handy.

This, only we are not married yet.

I think a lot of it has to do with how you view money when you are in a marriage. I grew up with a SAHM (she started working after dad died). There was no asking permission. The money was theirs. I view money the same way. There is no mine and yours, there is only ours.

I''m the breadwinner. We have 1 account only. This is for bills, emergency savings, spending, etc. We do have rules when spending (he''s not going to buy an expensive game console and I''m not going to go on a crazy shopping spree without discussing it first) but that is not due to needing permission. We have responsibilities and if we''re spending outside of those responsibilities, then we both need to be aware of it.

For us personally, having 1 account has been the best decision. I wouldn''t dare say it is the only decision that works.

 

[lknvrb4]

I make a little less than DH but it''s never been an issue. We think of working as a means to support our family not who makes more money. We have a joint checking and savings and we pool our money together. I take care of paying bills and budgeting and we always consult each other on large purchases.

 

[pennquaker09]

To answer Kenny, I don''t think income has to be the same in order for the relationship to work. More than anything, the most important essential element has to be financial maturity, and being mature in general. Outside of that, discussing common goals and having an understanding will go a long way towards keeping the relationship solid.

When I met my DH, I was a college student and he was a resident. I was living off of my dad/mom, lol. Couple years and a M.Ed. later, he''s a full fledged doctor with a high paying sub-specialty, and I''m a SAHD. The only scenario that I can think of that will pay me more than teaching, is if I used my chemistry and math degree in another way. Even then, he''s still going to earn more - most like 2 to 3 times, than what I would make. But it''s a non-issue for us.

Which leads me to charmypoo''s question. With the exception of investment accounts my parents started for me when I was younger, all of our accounts are joint. For one, we have to for legal reasons, but it''s mainly because we view everything as ours, not his and mine. I can buy whatever I want, but he doesn''t want me to open store based cards. That''s pretty much it. Even though I think we would totally benefit by having a Gap card.