I'm very very upset...

[beezygal]

Hey ladies... I just need to vent... I can't talk to anyone about this except for you ladies.

Even though we're not engaged yet, we decided to kinda plan our wedding. Today, I came up with a guest list with my mom. I thought it would be good to know approximately how many people might come. The list comes to 58 people, including my friends, his friends and my parents' friends. We'll probably end up with less than 58 people. I don't know how many people from his family might come since his mom doesn't get along with any of them. (His mom is very very nice to me though.) My bf was shocked at how many people I came up with. Since we're have another banquet in another country, my bf keeps saying it's going to be expensive. My dad offered to pay for the banquet in the other country because it's for our family. I don't want that. I want to pay for it with my bf. I don't think my bf would be ok with that anyways. My bf is a very very cheap guy. I guess it's kinda a good thing since he cares about his money A LOT. He said he doesn't want to talk about the wedding. Then, he said... "why are we even doing this? We're not even engaged." I was thinking that we'll talk about it eventually, does it matter if we're talking about it now or later? I can't believe we're having an argument about it already. Now he doesn't want to talk to me about anything at all. He was watching tv WHILE talking to me. We were supposed to look at one venue on Sat. Now, he said he has to work and can't go. I don't know if he's really busy or he's just mad. I'm so upset. I want to cry.

What if he realized that he doesn't want to have a wedding or to get married?

 

[slg47]

oh beezy...*hugs* sorry to hear that! maybe your BF is just really stressed out? give him some time to cool off and then try to ask him what he meant by that comment...

 

[beezygal]

thanks slg...

Last week he was ok with looking at venue this weekend. Now he's like this. Maybe he is really stressed out at work. I was telling him I found a potential person to do my makeup. He sounded ok and ask if I like her and stuff. He sounded interested. It's just when I told him about the guest list, he sounds upset/angry.

I talked to a friend about this. She knows about our "engagement." She told me not to talk to him about it until I get the ring. Then we HAVE to talk about the wedding.

 

[slg47]

yeah I feel like sometimes guys just get stressed and don't want to talk about stuff. i'm sorry though! that's gotta be frustrating.

when is your anniversary? is that this weekend?

 

[Mashira]

I'm sorry to hear about this beezy

If he is okay with talking about the little things (hair, makeup etc..) but doesn't want to discuss the guest list, I think he is honestly just stressed. There is nothing wrong with being wise about money, but wedding costs do add up, and that can be very stressful for a money conscious person (for anyone, really).

Even knowing that he is frugal, I have a feeling that the money may not be the issue. Have you discussed with him how important the wedding itself is to him? Is he more focused on the ring? Is he more focused on being stable when starting out the marriage? Is he more focused on a down payment for a house for the two of you? Many of these factors may play in to his priorities, and it is possible that your priorities don't match up. Have yall discussed this before? Just my two cents

I hope that this all works out in the end, and if he doesn't want to talk about it now, maybe it's best you tell him how his behaviour makes you feel and then give him some space to think about it and respond when he is ready.

 

[Grlsbestfrnd]

First, breathe and calm down.

This would be very upsetting for me too so I can understand why you're so upset but, I'm also sure that him not wanting to talk about it has nothing to do with him not wanting to marry you. Boys just don't get as excited about weddings and planning as girls (usually). If you say he is really careful with his money then I'm sure he just got a little freaked out about the thought of the expenses. This is understandable and coming from someone who has a boyfriend who is VERY careful with money I can totally picture this response. Maybe just give him a couple days to calm down and then talk to him about how he's feeling about the whole thing.

Have you thought of not having the overseas banquet? Or at least letting your parents pay? It seems like this topic may be the source of the problem.

Good luck and don't worry. ***DUST***

 

[Brown.Eyed.Girl]

Sorry Beezy

Unfortunately, even though you're pretty much engaged, you're not officially engaged, and so I kind of get your BF's reaction. I mean, it's not like wedding planning and venues and guest lists are high on the list of many soon-to-be-engaged guys' minds, right? And if he has a hard time spending money, this is doubly tough.

My advice?

First, get engaged so it's all official.

Second, ease him into discussions of budget and guest lists - don't spring it on him when he's watching TV. I have a feeling he's the type of guy who doesn't react well to what he may perceive to be an "ambush."

And then go from there.

 

[Jessie702]

O Beezy, i am so sorry Hon********Hugs**********

Like some of the ladies before me have said, i think he is stressed. He has a lot on his plate as far as work goes, and is stressing about the engagement, espically since you wanted to be engaged by your anni, even though you have already talk about that. Men have this funny thing about weddings, and costs and engagements. I know about the frugal SO, my SO is very frugal, and watches every penny. Yes, its a good thing, but can be frustrating at times. I know, we tend to go to the dollar store alot for little items such as toliet paper because he wants to save, and we know EXCATLY, how much he has in his wallet for items.( Its actually kind of fun)

Please dont think he doesnt want a wedding or doesnt want to get married. Thats not the case, he probabaly started adding money up in his head, and being a frugal SO, made him jump back, get stressed about money for a minute.

I think maybe you should put off looking at a venue at this time. If he suddenly has to work on saturday let him work, and you go out with girlfriends or do something away from the house that makes you happy. If he asks about looking at venues, remind him of this time, and tell him, maybe you two should wait until he finally proposes and maybe take a week or two or few to enjoy just being engaged. ( I had to do this with my SO, and looking at rings about a year ago. I acutally told him, i dont want to go looking anymore if he isnt going to buy. Its like getting my hopes up for nothing)

Also, 58 people are not a lot. Personally, i feel its just perfect .

I also agree with easing into the wedding/budget talk. Most men arent ready to pull out a wedding checklist and to do book with the bride.

Dont feel that your father cant help for the post reception reception either. You are his daughter and this is imporant to him. Just think of him as helping you two start a life together with the house and other bills.

Hon, im hear if you need an ear or a shoulder.

 

[beezygal]

slg: our 6-year anni is this Sat. I'm very excited to spend a romantic night with him. He's taking me to an expensive French restaurant and then going to watch the fireworks after. I really don't want to ruin it. I'm sure he's going to be fine tomorrow. He's always fine the next day.

mashira: well... he said if he is getting me my DREAM ring, which he did get it, we'll have to spend less on the wedding. I agree with that. Of course we want to use some money on the payment of a condo. We talked about it. We've decided that we'll probably rent first. Since we'll be using quite a bit of money for the wedding, we might not be able to get a condo right away. We don't want to be too tight with our money when we're married. That's why renting for the first year might be a good idea.

Gls: All my family is overseas. We have to have a banquet there. However, things are cheaper there. My dad wants to pay for it. I don't think my bf wants that. You know men! I don't really want to too because my parents are old, I want them to save the money for themselves.

Brown: my friend said the SAME thing. She thinks I should wait for the proposal. Once I get the ring, she said I have the "bargaining power".

Thanks ladies. I think I'll just shut up about the wedding for now. He's so busy at work. Every night when he's home he's so tired and sleep. I'll wait him until he's ready to talk about it. He told me he will propose by the end of Sept the latest. I don't want to be annoying and make him take longer to propose.

Anyways we have no idea how many people are going to come for sure. Once we're engaged we'll know exactly how many people are coming and we'll know how much a banquet will cost. Maybe it's not so bad after all.

 

[Brown.Eyed.Girl]

Oh yeah, if he's tired and cranky from work, definitely a bad time to bring it up.

I think it's a good idea to wait until the engagement. One less thing for HIM to think and stress about. Wedding planning is fun for many of us girls, for sure! But for guys, probably not so much!

 

[beezygal]

thanks Jessie. I really need a big hug right now. HUGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG.

58 people is not a lot. However that doesn't include his family or my family oversea. I don't want my dad to pay for it. I want to pay for it with my bf. I want my dad to save the money for him and my mom. I know I'm their own daughter. My dad would do anything for me. He would be happy to pay for the whole thing, but I really don't want him to this time. Anyways, according to our tradition, the guy's family is supposed to pay for the whole wedding.

Thanks ladies. I'm feeling a bit better. I can't help but feel like crying. I know I'll get over it. When we were ring shopping before, I told him no matter what, I don't want to argue over some stupid ring/wedding. Yes, I want my dream ring. Yes, I want a beautiful perfect wedding, but I don't want to argue and hurt our relationship over them. I keep reminding him that. I'll shut up and stop talking about the wedding. I can do my hw but I'll just hold back on discussing with him until he's ready.

Brown: He's always tired during the weekdays. He's a lawyer and he works very long hours. Next time if we were to talk about something important, I'll make sure we talk about in person during the weekend, and not over the phone.

 

[Jessie702]

awwww, now i get it hon. Dont worry, just do your hw, and dont bring it up until he asks. Men are weird when it comes to weddings anyways. We are here to talk if you need. I think you should go to the mall this weekend, while hes at work, and do something you love to do without him.

 

[slg47]

ooh can I come to the mall??

*hugs* beezy!!! i hope you have a great anniversary weekend with your BF

 

[Brown.Eyed.Girl]

It's perfectly understandable to want to start researching and planning. I'm not engaged and not even close to it, but I may or may not have a folder with wedding stuff links in it on my computer (ahem I am not admitting to it though!). But yeah, don't get worked up over it. You know he wants to be with you and marry you, and everything else is details that you guys can work out together.

Are you long distance right now? (Asking because you mentioned being on the phone). If so, that's gotta be tough (and I can imagine that being a lawyer the last couple years hasn't been very fun, with the legal economy tanking). Enjoy your time now and plan later. It sounds like you're organized and a planner so I think you'll be fine if you hold off until later to seriously start looking at stuff.

Where is your overseas banquet going to be?

 

[Jessie702]

BG, maybe just start a folder and than you can share that with him after he asks. I too, may or may not have a folder with that in mind, with lots of options.

 

[beezygal]

thanks ladies *HUG*

Slg: sure you can come shopping with us. maybe you ladies can help me find a bikini too. I need one for Hawaii. I feel like we're all friends now.

Brown: nope we're not doing long distance. We were for the first few years of our relationship though. We don't live together. That's why we'll talk on the phone every night. We usually just see each other during the weekends. Sometimes during the weekdays too. The banquet will be in HK.

I just worry A LOT! I'm like this. I'll worry about stuff and keep on thinking about this. For example, now I'm thinking about what if he realized he doesn't want to get married because of all the money problem. (see.. i'm probably thinking too much) Even though most of the time things will get better, I just can't stop thinking about all the bad stuff that might/might not happen.

 

[Echidna]

Beezy, I'm not an LIW anymore and my take might be completely off base, but can I please make a suggestion? Your lovely FF sounds super busy and probably tired/stressed. When my FI gets tired/stressed from deadlines at work, he switches to this weird mode of function (I am making him sound like a machine ) where he only wants to deal with the next immediate, concrete problem. When he first started to behave like this, I freaked out! Why didn't he want to chat to me about stuff like normal? What did I do wrong? Is he cranky with me?

You know what? It wasn't me and it wasn't the issue I wanted to discuss and I'm guessing it might be the same in your case. I learned that when my FI was under pressure at work, he was already suffering info overload. He didn't have any head space for info when he got home. He wanted me to decompress with him, but not really discuss anything beyond absolute need-to-know-right-now-because-a-decision-is-required-immediately sort of stuff. Could it be the same for your FF? Is he just exhausted and thinks that these decisions don't need to be made right now?

If it might be this, then maybe it's worth giving him a huge hug, cooking his favourite meal, acknowledging his stress, and maybe even telling him how well he's dealing with the pressure and how fabulous he is. Obviously he's fabulous- he's building a future with/for you

 

[beezygal]

thanks echidna!!!

Your FI does sound like my bf. I know I should be more understanding. He's like this every once in awhile. He is stressed out at work and he doesn't like talking about it. Typical men I guess. They don't talk about their stress. Usually after a good sleep, he's fine the next day. Sometimes when we're together, he'll be so out of it. He'll be staring in the air. Everytime he does that, I know he is thinking about work. Sometimes he'll tease and say he has to make $$$ for our wedding. Since our 6yr anni is this Sat, I'm just gonna stop talking about the wedding and make his favourite peanut butter cookies. This time, I'm going to add something to the cookies to make them look and taste better. I hate peanut butter cookies, because I think peanut butter should only be on toast. He loves them, so I'll make them.

 

[Echidna]

Sorry beezy, didn't mean to imply you weren't being understanding! It's just weird when it doesn't happen too often and sometimes it's hard to snap out of being miserable long enough to realise that it's not you!

I'm absolutely certain he will love his cookies. That's a great plan and hopefully it'll make you feel better too

Best wishes for a fabulous anniversary

ETA: I love to tell my FI that I'm proud of him. It took me a while to realise that I am super-proud of how hard he works and how good he is at what he does, but I'd never told him that. So I figured I should tell him while he's really down about work. Worked for me

 

[beezygal]

hey echidna! Don't be sorry. I didn't say you were implying. I'm just saying I should be more understanding. You know why? Everytime he is upset and wants to sleep, I always want to talk until we're back to normal. However, it doesn't work for my bf. He just want to go to bed and then we'll be fine the next day. On the other hand, I don't want to end our night when we were upset. Then, the next day I'll feel bad for not letting him go earlier because he will usually get more frustrated. See, I really should be more understanding. I am getting better at shutting up and letting him go when he is stressed.

I did tell him he's good at what he's doing. Maybe I should say it more often. One time, he lost a trial, but the judge walked up to him and said he did a very good job. My bf told me that that judge is very tough. He was very happy. I was so proud of him too. As his future wife, I will be more encouraging from now on.

How long have you guys been engaged for? When is the wedding?

 

[Echidna]

Ah, we ladies can't help it with the talking. Same with the overthinking. It's in our DNA, I'm sure of it

We've been engaged since Jan 19 (so...6 months?). Wedding is set for July 9 next year (winter in Australia). Very excited!

When are you heading to Hawaii? I've never been, but it's on the list!

 

[luckynumber]

Take it one step at a time beezy. Or it'll just overwhelm the poor guy. I
Wedding costs can be too much even for spendthrifts, so for the frugal it's enough to make them faint!

 

[nicoleben]

Ohh hunnie, I feel so sorry for you!

In my opinion, I think he may just be stressed out. As you already know I do NOT think it is any problem to start planning your wedding if you know that it is coming! Think about it, venues go fast! I do not know when you planned on having your wedding but I know, in my area, September and October, well, there is only 1 weekend open in each month at every place I look at! Scary!

As for the money. I see where your boyfriend is coming from. Money can be tight even if your family is paying for the one reception. You also have to think about the cost of flying to add into it. But, I do definitely know that we want our day to be as perfect as possible. It'll happen. Who knows, maybe he is under pressure because the engagement is coming soon. My boyfriend acted like that, oh I would say about 3 weeks ago. He said "Babe, were not even engaged don't worry about that stuff yet." I kindly responded, "Venues get booked VERY fast. I do not want to be stuck in a boat where we can't get anything. The venue we like is affordable and we can afford the down payment. However, there is only one weekend left in September and one weekend left in October! :\ " He really truly just did not understand how fast these places go. I said I would put on hold other things like reception ideas (secretly I am doing this on the side hehe) And he ended up being perfectly fine with it. He has attended all venues I had meetings with and has thrown out his own ideas for a wedding and things he wants to incorporate. Actually, he has some really great ideas!!!

Everything will be fine sweeetie!!

Praying for you for Saturday!!

 

[diva rose]

Breezy - if you don't mind me asking, are you from an Asian culture?
You mentioned something about the groom's side paying for things. That is mostly used in Asian cultures.

My thoughts on your situation:

I think it is more than just stress and it does involve money. Work stress is just adding to the situation and intensifying it.
My thoughts are based on what you have mentioned in the posts.

You mentioned that he is a "very very cheap" guy. Hence I wouldn't be surprised if he doesn't want to spend too much money on the wedding. Also the fact you mentioned he kept stating how expensive the wedding/receptions are going to be.

Are you two splitting the costs or is he paying for most of it?

I totally understand that you don't want your parents to pay for the wedding. Also that you want a wonderful dream wedding. We all do.

However considering you're planning to have 2 receptions and majority of the people attending are all from your side. Do you think that is really fair to your SO?

If he is paying for most of it, I can understand where he is coming from.
Plus on top of that - he has work related stress.

In the end, the wedding is about two people, the groom and bride. Both of you need to be happy with the process and be comfortable with what is going on. It might be a good idea to negotiate with him and compromise on the costs/numbers for the wedding.

 

[Nashville]

First, you should wait until you're officially engaged before you start planning a wedding. If your boyfriend is traditional, this might seem very odd to be planning for something that he hasn't *officially* agreed to yet.

Lots of times, weddings have a way of bringing out core issues/differences in a couple. You said your boyfriend was "cheap" and there is definitely a difference between being cheap and frugal. Back off, let him breathe, wait until he's proposed to you and then you can move on and see what his reaction is.

I have to ask, did you BOTH begin planning the wedding? Or were you so eager to start that you went ahead with it and that's why he got mad? This ISN'T to be mean, but if that's the case I can definitely see why he would be annoyed. I'm sorry you're upset, but don't barrel into this on all cylinders. Let it happen naturally and trust your boyfriend enough to propose and begin planning with you.

 

[UnluckyTwin]

Hi beezy. Just wanted to throw these two thoughts in...

1. Do you and your SO ever watch those wedding shows on TV, like Bridezillas, My Fair Wedding, Say Yes to the Dress, etc.? As my SO and I talk more about a wedding, we've started watching these shows. Partly, because the level of drama is entertaining. But I also like to watch those with him to show him how stressful wedding planning can get-- and how unnecessary the drama is! We frequently talk about how a wedding is just one day, how a marriage is more important than a wedding, and how, at the end of the day, tablecloth colors should NOT make a whole family stop talking. Having these conversations now, I think, sort of "trains" us to get into a positive mindset before WE end up arguing over tablecloth colors. (Not that I think we would, but you never know.) Perhaps if you watch them with your SO, he can see that you are actually chill and reasonable, but it is just that venues do in fact book quickly. We also use that time to point out what we like and don't like about other people's weddings. Through that, we've seen that sometimes our visions for our wedding actually differ in serious (moral or economical) ways. Perhaps your SO is freaked about the 58 + banquet people because he imagined something much smaller. In which case, it's not so much about cost or work stress, but about "how do I tell her I want something different?" No idea myself if that is his actual worry, just saying it could be.

2. My guess is that venue picking is just the beginning. There will likely be several times where your SO wants to shut down, whether it's due to work stress or not wanting to talk about spending large amounts of money. While he should be allowed these "breaks" from planning, he should understand the importance of A. booking things as quickly as possible to save money and time and B. telling you nicely that, unless you need an answer right then, he needs some time to clear his head and then deal with it. I am a total planner and my SO is very much not. I can do 9769475 chores in one day, and for my SO, it's a real struggle for him to accomplish 3. So sometimes I get into chore-mode and do things all around him and it really stresses him out, and then if I ask him to help me plan something, he feels completely overwhelmed. We've devised a system where he can calmly and nicely ask me, "Do you think we could have about ten minutes first where we don't do anything productive?" (I've told him not to overuse it and keep me waiting too often, haha.) So, that's the compromise-- we get it accomplished like I want, but we take a breather like he wants. Plus, the ten minutes can be fun time.

Good luck with everything and ****DUST**** for your anniversary dinner!

 

[damons]

Okay, so you are not engaged yet, which means that your SO is probably focused on the proposal at this point.

I know there are a lot of girls out there that would be perfectly happy with a proposal that took place in pajamas while sitting on the couch. But a lot of us "proposers" want to make the proposal special and put a lot of effort into it. I know that when I was preparing to propose to my FI, it's all I could think about. I couldn't eat. I couldn't sleep. The thought of wedding planning on top of that probably would have made me crazy.

It doesn't mean that he doesn't want to marry you. I think that his mind is on the proposal and the wedding planning is a little too much for him right now. One thing at a time.

Good luck to you! I'm sure everything will work out

 

[Indylady]

Do you work? I see that you keep saying that you want to pay for it with your SO, but your dad is willing to pay for your HK ceremony.

I love weddings, but if my SO wanted to throw two wedding parties, and wanted us to jointly fund both, I might be a little freaked too. I'm not saying that you shouldn't have two ceremonies-- you should, since one ceremony wouldn't cover all of the people that you love. But, weddings are $$, and if your SO's frugal, it might freak him out that he's just plunked down for a ring, and is now facing the cost of 2 weddings.

I'm just not getting your BF's line of thought; he's frugal and is upset because weddings are expensive, but he doesn't want your Dad pay for the HK wedding? You've mentioned quite a few times that you'd prefer that you two pay for the HK wedding, and not Dad. Maybe he's just going along with you, but doesn't actually want to pay for a second wedding. He wants to live up to tradition, and make you happy because you don't want Dad to pay for the wedding..perhaps that's why he's feeling pressured? Even if its cheaper, you'll both still have to fly which will be a fair amount of money in itself.

If you have savings, why not share the costs with Dad for the HK wedding? Its less stress for both of you.

Like others have said, it might be best to wait until you are engaged.

 

[Autumnovember]

thanks slg...

Last week he was ok with looking at venue this weekend. Now he's like this. Maybe he is really stressed out at work. I was telling him I found a potential person to do my makeup. He sounded ok and ask if I like her and stuff. He sounded interested. It's just when I told him about the guest list, he sounds upset/angry.

I talked to a friend about this. She knows about our "engagement." She told me not to talk to him about it until I get the ring. Then we HAVE to talk about the wedding.

I'm going to agree with your friend. Don't look at venue's or talk about the wedding until the ring comes. I tried to hold off on doing that as much as possible because when I brought up wedding stuff to SO, some days he would act interested, and other days he would act the way your SO did. NOW...he can't say those things because it's official and I have a ring on my finger.

 

[Autumnovember]

hey echidna! Don't be sorry. I didn't say you were implying. I'm just saying I should be more understanding. You know why? Everytime he is upset and wants to sleep, I always want to talk until we're back to normal. However, it doesn't work for my bf. He just want to go to bed and then we'll be fine the next day. On the other hand, I don't want to end our night when we were upset. Then, the next day I'll feel bad for not letting him go earlier because he will usually get more frustrated. See, I really should be more understanding. I am getting better at shutting up and letting him go when he is stressed.

I did tell him he's good at what he's doing. Maybe I should say it more often. One time, he lost a trial, but the judge walked up to him and said he did a very good job. My bf told me that that judge is very tough. He was very happy. I was so proud of him too. As his future wife, I will be more encouraging from now on.

How long have you guys been engaged for? When is the wedding?

THAT is what someone who is truly loving and caring says. Good for you Beezy, you'll make a great fiance