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I''m officially NEW here and already frustrated!!

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MustangFan

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Feb 27, 2006
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935
Hello EVERYONE! I finally made it over here!! I''m engaged.

Celebrating the past couple days has been fun, but I asked a good friend of mine who lives over seas to be a bride''s maid and at first she was all excited and the next day she said I don''t think I''ll be able to. I told her I wouldn''t be able to buy her a flight over, but I could help with accomodation, and food all they would have to do is pay for a flight. I''m not annoyed at her money issue, I know she''s trying to make it on her own, but what has upset me is that I''m giving her a whole year and a half notice and she''s atleast could try to put alittle money away each month for the trip! It''s like she doesn''t even want to try and it hurts really bad. I based the wedding on August so everyone would be off from school and I''ll be a school teacher soon. She''s a special friend of mine and if it was the other way around I would try my hardest to be there for her.
It works out to be 28 POUNDS per week for her to safe and I don''t think it''s unreasonable to tempted to save that.
 

ThefutureSB

Rough_Rock
Joined
Apr 9, 2007
Messages
48
Ok, so I have a few lil ideas on this...

perhaps give her about a week and bring it up again...?

Do you have anyone that maybe could put her plane ticket on a credit card then she could make payments to whoever is able to help her..?

maybe you can help her with her travel costs...?

just a few ideas....

HTH
 

starryeyed

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Nov 6, 2006
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2,398
Mustang, your friend knows her financial situation and is being honest with you. You have to respect this.

I think she is doing the responsible thing by telling you that you can''t count on her to be a bridesmaid. There are a lot of other hidden expenses with being a bridesmaid - the dress, shoes, a bridal shower, lost time from work, etc. I''m sure she realizes this. I''m sure the decision is painful for her.

I think you should tell her that you would love to have her as a bridesmaid, but if she can''t do it, you understand. Tell her you still hope she can make it to the wedding. Tell her you don''t want it to affect your friendship because she is still important to you.

Give her time to decide and hold accommodations open for her until a certain date. I think that''s all you can do.
 

bee*

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
May 14, 2006
Messages
12,169
I know that you are upset and dissapointed, but I think that you have to respect your friends decision and I think that its good that she has told you now and not nearer the wedding. If she cant afford it, she cant afford it, but leave the offer open to her for a while and see what she says nearer the time. I know its only 28 pounds per week, but that is quite a bit when you add it up over a year and she might have things that she wants herself.
 

MustangFan

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Feb 27, 2006
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935
Yes, unfortunately I have to face reality with it and hope she can make it let alone be a bride''s maid
 

zoebartlett

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Dec 29, 2006
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Date: 4/18/2007 11:50:18 AM
Author: starryeyed
Mustang, your friend knows her financial situation and is being honest with you. You have to respect this.

I think she is doing the responsible thing by telling you that you can''t count on her to be a bridesmaid. There are a lot of other hidden expenses with being a bridesmaid - the dress, shoes, a bridal shower, lost time from work, etc. I''m sure she realizes this. I''m sure the decision is painful for her.

I think you should tell her that you would love to have her as a bridesmaid, but if she can''t do it, you understand. Tell her you still hope she can make it to the wedding. Tell her you don''t want it to affect your friendship because she is still important to you.

Give her time to decide and hold accommodations open for her until a certain date. I think that''s all you can do.

I agree. It might not be what you want to hear, but I do think that your friend was being honest and responsible in telling you now instead of waiting. I can understand how you feel, because if you''d do everything you can to make it to her wedding (espeically if you''re a BM) you''d expect the same courtesy. However, like starryeyed said, there are often expenses that aren''t realized until planning is well under way. For some people, that''s a lot or even too much. Obviously we don''t know her financial situation but I don''t think it would matter so much. It''s easy to suggest that she save and save and then she''ll be able to afford it, but that just may not be the case. Finances can be such a personal and hard issue. I would really recommend respecting her situation and try not to get frustrated or upset.

As starryeyed said, give your friend time to decide, hold accommodations if possible, and tell her that you hope she can attend the wedding.
 

surfgirl

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Apr 5, 2007
Messages
4,438
I have to agree. So many people agree to be in weddings when they dont really want to be, usually for financial reasons, and then they get irritated and resentful of the bride, when in fact they shouldn''t have said yes in the first place (I am exhibit A for that!). I dont think there is anything wrong with your friend saying now, so early on, that she just cannot afford it. And while you''ve already figured out how much she needs to put away each week to come to your wedding, there is really no way for you to know how she needs to spend her money. I''m sure she is very happy for you but the world doesn''t stop for us just because we''re engaged or getting married. I think you have to respect her financial situation. Only she really knows how she needs to spend her money each month so putting money away may not be possible for her as she may have other obligations. Even if she cannot come to the wedding - and it doesn''t seem likely since she cannot afford the airfare - I think you have to just gracefully accept her happiness for you and let it go.
 

Pandora II

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Aug 3, 2006
Messages
9,613
Is she based in the UK? I know you spent time over here.

I''m flying over for FBIL''s wedding in September and we''re getting flights to NY for £250 GBP return and then a domestic flight onwards to Chicago. Works out much cheaper than flying direct - and I get to go shopping enroute!

Be warned - being a BM in the UK means turning up on the day and wearing a nice dress - there aren''t really any duties, and we don''t have showers etc so if she''s from here you probably won''t have thought about any of that.

I hope your friend comes round for you.
 

FireGoddess

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jan 25, 2005
Messages
12,145
I agree with Starryeyed - if she''s being up front and says she can''t afford it [and can''t foresee trying to make it happen] - then take her at her word. Better to know now than have her accept and then balk later, or get angry at the cost, etc.
 

MustangFan

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Feb 27, 2006
Messages
935
pandoraII yes she is based in the UK. I don''t except the world from her, I know she will show up for the day and no rehearsal of anything and that''s fine. I just wish she would try and make it work. I''d buy her the dress and my friend could do her hair, all the matter is that she''s there, it would make me so happy and I figure if I extend myself, why can''t she?
 

mainemomof2

Rough_Rock
Joined
Apr 9, 2007
Messages
56
How much is the cost in American Dollars?

Have you thought about asking her how much she CAN pay and trying to find a way to come up with the rest?

Is Money her only issue?

Danielle
 

ktkakes

Rough_Rock
Joined
Nov 18, 2006
Messages
86
Congrats Mustang Fan im glad to see that you made it over here! im sorry to hear your friend is so far away and having trouble coming up with the money to be here.... i dont think its unreasonable to have her save. but how close is it to your wedding to save that money before she can actually book the flight?
 

Gwyn

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Jan 5, 2007
Messages
745
Date: 4/18/2007 1:27:14 PM
Author: surfgirl
I have to agree. So many people agree to be in weddings when they dont really want to be, usually for financial reasons, and then they get irritated and resentful of the bride, when in fact they shouldn't have said yes in the first place (I am exhibit A for that!). I dont think there is anything wrong with your friend saying now, so early on, that she just cannot afford it. And while you've already figured out how much she needs to put away each week to come to your wedding, there is really no way for you to know how she needs to spend her money. I'm sure she is very happy for you but the world doesn't stop for us just because we're engaged or getting married. I think you have to respect her financial situation. Only she really knows how she needs to spend her money each month so putting money away may not be possible for her as she may have other obligations. Even if she cannot come to the wedding - and it doesn't seem likely since she cannot afford the airfare - I think you have to just gracefully accept her happiness for you and let it go.

I second this! It may suck for you but you do not want her accepting and then getting all resentful or worse have her saying that she can and then bowing out on her commitments at the last minute. Think of it this way, she gave you a year to find a replacement. Clearly her initial excitement shows how much she cares for you.

my sister is getting married and is having similar issues. one of her best friends since elementary school told her the other day that she couldnt be in the wedding (keep in mind her wedding is in a couple of months and they have already planned out the wedding party and seating and such). Your friend had the curtesty and common sense to tell you now and not 1year from now.

In terms of resentment, it sounds horrible but it happens. im ashamed to admit that even I feel it towards my own sister sometimes. Everyone wants to participate in an event like this with their loved ones but it definitely comes at a cost. Between my dress (which everyone can honestly say looks downright hideous on me) shoes, specific hairstyle, specific jewelry, engagement gift, shower contributions, shower gift, bachelorette contributions,wedding gift, flight down there for me and my ff, and hotel accomodations for 3 nights I am spending well over 2000 on her wedding. Not to mention trying to save money for my own wedding. Granted my sister is a little picky and isnt offering to help out on any of the costs like you are, but still, things add up. especially when you are young and just starting out on your own and trying to get a job that pays a decent wage and an apartment that doesnt cost an darm and a leg.

You should try not to take her inability to commit to being a BM as an insult, I am sure she didn't mean it as such. Money is a touchy topic for some people and I admire her for being able to tell you she just couldnt handle the responsibility because it is way better then the alternatives. To be completly honest, if I thought I could, I would have declined my sister's offer. Not because I dont love her, she is one of my best friends. I just dont have that kind of money to be spending at this point in my life.
 

firebirdgold

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Nov 30, 2005
Messages
2,216
Honestly, I wouldn''t worry too much about bridesmaids and all that until after you get a bit more planning done. Our ideas about the wedding changed alot during the first two months. I know you''re excited and that you want her to be there, but don''t worry too much about it just yet. You don''t really know what''s going on in her life that caused her to change her mind. Maybe the job situation is looking rocky? I''m sure she''ll end up being able to come to your wedding.
 
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