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I'm a widow

<<<When I got home I ended up calling my MIL at work on the pretext of oh heyyy... I saw your buddy at Rob's office! She let me know that they had selected the nook for Mike's ashes. I said, oh, the ashes are back? She said yeah, don't you remember FIL asked if you wanted them and you said no? Ummm... he asked if I wanted them generally not like he had them... So this is flipping retarded. They selected the nook in the mausoleum, got the inscription, but they didn't place the ashes in there because they wanted to get family scheduled to go there together. Then there's an opening fee. OK - this is f@#$ed up on so many levels. First, I offered to pay for the cemetery place and she said they already paid for it, so I asked how much? She said she doesn't know right now. I offered to reimburse and she didn't respond. Oh, when I reminded her who Rob is, I made a point of emphasizing that HE was the man who kindly helped me get the 2/3 funeral cost CARVED OUT OF MY BENEFITS CHECK before it was issued. I then asked her if they got in touch with the TIAA benefits rep, and what option did they go? She didn't recall at first, but then remembered that after a few weeks of back and forth FIL got through to her and it's all done. She said that they got a big hit of 30% in taxes. That's it. Didn't even say if the money was coming to me or not.>>>

It was awfully presumptuous of them to take it upon themselves to make Michael's funeral and interment arrangements, and oh hell yeah, you're going to go to the interment service, dressed appropriately in head to toe black with a fabulous strand of sizable pearls, and standing in the front row, center spot. How will I know? I'll be a few rows behind you (if it's at all possible for me to be there). A very important question for you to ask them is - is there a space available for me next to Michael's? That decision of where you'd like to be laid to rest doesn't have to be answered now. That's your choice, but if there is a space available next to your husband's, you should buy it immediately. Columbarium space in any mausoleum is in very short supply. When a new mausoleum becomes available, the primo spaces usually sell immediately and the rest of them sell soon after. Even if you buy a space now (and they're not expensive at all) and you decide later that you won't be using it because you've married again, you can always sell your space back to the cemetery without losing a penny. (They guarantee that). The ways your "out-laws" did it, they did it without considering your thoughts and feelings.

Next, there is a fee for opening the columbarium and engraving the marble face plate on the space and for perpetual care of the niche that is almost equal to cost of buying the space. It's strange that they would ask you to pay just to open the space without you holding the ownership papers to the space. If I were you, and you and I can talk about this privately, I would in the presence of an official of the cemetery, pay them for the space and immediately have the ownership papers legally transferred over to your name. Their actions were very disrespectful to you. These people make me so angry! I still can't figure out why in heavens holy name they were asking you if you wanted M's ashes? They know we can't keep ashes in our homes. Something else to talk about in private.

When I saw them at the wake, I "thought" they were nice people. Your single SIL was kind and welcoming to me. At least she seemed to be.
 
The rest of the outlaws are clueless, aimless, and choosing to remain in that state because FIL has had to take the reigns on matters like this for other family members. I bet you they are hoping the ignorance is bliss ostrich head in sand shit makes them less culpable in all of this.

I would have preferred that once they chose the nook to put him in there to avoid another opening fee but I wasn't kept up to date with status on everything. Even though I gave them the green light to take care of funeral arrangements I should have continued to receive status updates - period. This type of f#cked up administration is mainly the reason why I have a hard time delegating or asking for help. I didn't think they would screw me over and disregard me to this degree. As my therapist pointed out - they treated Michael as a second class citizen and now I'm being treated like Michael.
 
They didn't actually make a mistake by hesitating to inter M's ashes. It's never done at the time of purchase of the space. The fee to open the columbarium is the same as the fee that is paid to the grave diggers for in ground interments. It would be charged anyway, no matter what, and it usually happens after a short but pre-arranged invitation only prayer service officiated by the same priest who spoke at Michael's wake, presuming that he knows the family. (Yes, there's a fee for him too but it's not too terrible). These fees as well as the steps to the process are customary and indisputable. Sorry about that. I just got an education on columbariums just two months ago when I went to the cemetery to sign the contracts for our two niches. One last thing come to think of it, the fee is lower if the crematorium or the funeral director transports the urn to them cemetery, than if a member of the family carries it with them. That fee is separate from the opening of the niche.
 
Are you coming to Christmas in July????
 
gemgirl said:
They didn't actually make a mistake by hesitating to inter M's ashes. It's never done at the time of purchase of the space. The fee to open the columbarium is the same as the fee that is paid to the grave diggers for in ground interments. It would be charged anyway, no matter what, and it usually happens after a short but pre-arranged invitation only prayer service officiated by the same priest who spoke at Michael's wake, presuming that he knows the family. (Yes, there's a fee for him too but it's not too terrible). These fees as well as the steps to the process are customary and indisputable. Sorry about that. I just got an education on columbariums just two months ago when I went to the cemetery to sign the contracts for our two niches. One last thing come to think of it, the fee is lower if the crematorium or the funeral director transports the urn to them cemetery, than if a member of the family carries it with them. That fee is separate from the opening of the niche.
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Clearly their mistake was keeping me in the dark.

Anyways, as @Tacori E-ring always says, she's a big fan of family of choice. BTW my mom keeps talking about that beautiful woman with the nice jewelry from the diamond forum. ;-). She's like, wow no wonder you favor your diamond friends from the internet lolol. They are not only beautiful but they are very warm and caring and wonderful. (Compliments are huge when they come from a narcissist lololol).
 
I think that when I pass I want to be cremated and I want sparkles mixed in with my ashes and I want to be scattered somewhere like a body of water so I can be everywhere but look like pixie dust when I'm blowing in the wind. And THAT'S how I'll keep blinging after death!
 
One of the BEST things about being a grown-up is getting to decide who I spend time with. There is real power in that. (((hugs))) my friend.
 
I took a Claritin last night bc my nose and eyes were irritated by seasonal allergies and so is my neck skin a little. Ha it made me drowsy today lolol. I ended up taking a big nap after 4pm till
1030. I'm awake now and I feel saddened and lonely for losing the OUTlaws. I know I'm better off in tbe long run but it's still more loss.

A woman has started a new cat rescue group and I'm going to see what I can do to help her. I offered to make cat beds for her at $5 each which she can buy from me and sell at $10, $20, whatever she'd like. That $5 helps cover my yarn costs BC I use about 2 red heart super savers per cat bed. She has no time to look into fundraising so I'll give it a shot.

I had an HR interview on Friday and was taken aback by the salary range. More than half of my rate as a contractor, and the contract rate they offered is even less. The HR employee said I'm suited for two types of positions based on my resume but then later admitted that the VP of the second position didn't quite think I was a perfect fit for that (wtf). I kinda got ticked and said that I have a friend in the Midwest making the same salary range working for one of their subsidiaries where her house is bigger but 1/3 the cost of mine, her taxes are a couple thousand while mine is $11,000 a year, how can they not make a cost of living adjustment? The max of their range needs to be my min as someone in a single income household.
 
I'm very sorry that you have to deal with this on top of everything else.

Your in-laws are behaving very inappropriately. Your cookie-stalking SIL sounds like she might be a rabbit-boiler (ref: Fatal Attraction).

I would have had to bite my tongue until it bled if I had gotten a call like the one you got from your MIL. Cursing like a sailor would be the only other option.

You are handling this crap so gracefully.

Your in-laws are just that, and given that you don't have children, you have the option of having nothing to do with them.

Despite their recent behavior, it appears that at least some of them have had a good relationship with you in the past. Maybe don't mourn just yet - this awful behavior may be a passing anomaly.

I'd like to very gently and respectfully remind you of something you know very well - that grief does strange things to people. I doubt you realize that your grace and resilience is very atypical. Some of us fall apart and literally don't think straight under stress. A subset of the fallen apart realize their own state and don't make big decisions or proclamations. Others aren't as self-aware.

You may be able to gradually resume a relationship with the in-laws you like after they go back to being sane and decent. I've seen it happen.

The only reason I mention all of this is firsthand experience with mourning what seemed like the loss of a number of family members. We were all mourning my father, and the crazy behavior of some of us made the others even more miserable. I couldn't even imagine talking to them ever again, because I come from a culture where family spats are expected to be carried out privately, preferably in a soundproof room. Their egregious behavior was very public, and that added insult to injury. Over time, they regained their sanity, and I gained the ability to resume relationships with them.

I'm not condoning your in-laws' behavior or suggesting that you compromise with or forgive them. I'm just hoping that you can mourn less and recover more.

Buying new clothes instead of fretting over your current wardrobe is yet another prudent decision. I hope you bought enough to see you through until the Harem of Worshipping Hunks™ arrive. I have a feeling that you'll need a totally different wardrobe for that stage

I hope you find a good volunteering opportunity. Have you discussed it with your therapist? You sound like an empathetic person, and I know that unusually empathetic people are sometimes discouraged from volunteering for certain causes during bereavement. I almost made it through orientation at a women's shelter before I had to quit. Hysterically weeping during the training video didn't go over too well. My hospice volunteering lasted a little longer, because I was able to delay the hysterical weeping until I got home. A few days of that made it clear that I was too much of a mess to be able to sustain the job.

I'm nowhere as resilient as you, and I was shattered by circumstances far less difficult than yours. Your resilience is likely to make your volunteering experience very different from mine. I'm sharing my embarrassing outcome so you won't beat yourself up in the very unlikely case that you find yourself unable to volunteer for a while.

A colleague of mine used to remind me that I should "put on my oxygen mask before helping others." Your oxygen mask is the highest priority right now. You seem to be doing a great job of keeping it on :appl::appl::appl::appl:

PintoBean said:
I'm trying to understand how I'm feeling... I think I'm now mourning the loss of my in laws
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Thank you @freezing_in_MO :wavey:
I made a midnight run to McDonald's and the combo of feeling badly and the dodgy "walk of shame" through the drive-thru :lol: had me on the verge of tears. I felt the chin wobble and the eyes welling up and I somehow corked it. After picking up my crispy chicken sandwich (who knows if that's what they've given me in the brown bag:think:), the damns were about to break wide open when Fitz and the Tantrums' "money grabber" came on and I burst out :lol:. I found this wonderful live version with the band plus Daryl Hall and just had to share!:dance:
 
PintoBean said:
I think that when I pass I want to be cremated and I want sparkles mixed in with my ashes and I want to be scattered somewhere like a body of water so I can be everywhere but look like pixie dust when I'm blowing in the wind. And THAT'S how I'll keep blinging after death!
Click to expand...

I never thought about it that way, but damn! I really like the glitzy pixie dust idea!
 
No shame in elevensies! Midnight snacks are the best. I keep a wedge of Parmesan at home for that reason. Pro tip: it's already salty, so crying into it doesn't ruin the taste :lol:

You definitely have an awesome rocker guardian angel looking out for you! What are the odds of that awesome song coming on just in the nick of time?! :?:

PintoBean said:
Thank you @freezing_in_MO :wavey:
I made a midnight run to McDonald's and the combo of feeling badly and the dodgy "walk of shame" through the drive-thru :lol: had me on the verge of tears. I felt the chin wobble and the eyes welling up and I somehow corked it. After picking up my crispy chicken sandwich (who knows if that's what they've given me in the brown bag:think:), the damns were about to break wide open when Fitz and the Tantrums' "money grabber" came on and I burst out :lol:. I found this wonderful live version with the band plus Daryl Hall and just had to share!:dance:
Click to expand...
 
I want to be cremated. If you could really make diamonds out of ashes I would be worth a 10 ct. The advantages of being chubby!
 
Rut ro... I had an evening nap session again post dinner!

I've woken up feeling unsure of myself. Being unemployed makes me feel inadequate. Having been hated on for the way I looked, I could comfort myself in the past by telling myself they can't see my mind and my heart and my accomplishments will always give me an edge. Being unemployed makes me feel like those things don't matter now. I also feel like an overgrown baby because a dual income household provided me more mental and emotional security than I had previously acknowledged. I also feel particularly vulnerable because "family" has taken "liberties" with me the way they have.

People often tell my I'm a good person. I'm not sure I am but I try to be good. Now I feel like good equates with sucker. I mean, I've often wondered how so and so got to be where they are, and often the common thread is that they are a douchey ******* that threw people under the boss.
 
Pinto...you are just in-between jobs right now (which happens more often for contractors). You still have all those great qualities that you had when you were
working full time. They havent gone anywhere. Try not to be down on yourself because you are in-between contracts.

Nobody really enjoys job hunting under the best circumstances. Sometimes you click with your interviewers and sometimes you dont. Sometimes the offers
arent what we hope. Sometimes it take a few interviews...sometimes it takes a little more. Hang in there. Something will come up for you.

And good does not equate to sucker...sometimes we have to pick our battles.

You should talk to your therapist about all these feelings. Its so easy to get overwhelmed when the rug gets pulled out from under you.

I hope you have a wonderful trip to Chicago filled with lots of good times. It sounds like it will be great fun!:dance:
 
I hope that you are feeling better today.

It would be illogical to feel anything but more secure in a dual-income household. How does being logical make you an overgrown baby?

You are recovering from a colossal loss. A lesser person couldn't even articulate their thoughts the way you do. You are educated, accomplished, kind, and in between jobs. You are the type of person who sends cookies to EMTs while mourning her husband, instead of curling up into the fetal position.

I was reading that long-gone mourning traditions were very helpful to the bereaved, and gave them time to recover from loss. The example I read was that a person in black was understood (even by strangers) to be bereaved, so anyone with a modicum of decency would try to treat them gently. If they snapped at a salesperson, it wasn't taken personally. They weren't expected to be back at work the next day, so they had time to care for themselves. Maybe this temporary unemployment is fate returning this long-lost courtesy to you.

Everything I have read here makes me believe that you are good person. Bad people abound, and sooner or later every good person is exploited. That does not make the good person a sucker. It makes them a person true to their values. My line of work frequently places me between a rock and a hard spot - I know that the person who is pleading for help is likely to take advantage of me, but I have to allow for the possibility that the person is the one exception to what has almost become a rule. I feel like a sucker 90% of the time. But I'm a sucker who can sleep at night. Given your evening nap session, so are you!

We suckers of the world should unite and take over :lol::lol::lol:

PintoBean said:
Rut ro... I had an evening nap session again post dinner!

I've woken up feeling unsure of myself. Being unemployed makes me feel inadequate. Having been hated on for the way I looked, I could comfort myself in the past by telling myself they can't see my mind and my heart and my accomplishments will always give me an edge. Being unemployed makes me feel like those things don't matter now. I also feel like an overgrown baby because a dual income household provided me more mental and emotional security than I had previously acknowledged. I also feel particularly vulnerable because "family" has taken "liberties" with me the way they have.

People often tell my I'm a good person. I'm not sure I am but I try to be good. Now I feel like good equates with sucker. I mean, I've often wondered how so and so got to be where they are, and often the common thread is that they are a douchey ******* that threw people under the boss.
Click to expand...
 
PB, I hope you learn to love yourself, build your self-confidence, and learn how to be tough (unleash your inner beyotch) without guilt when you feel the situation warrants.

You're building a new life that you hadn't planned for and as a consequence, you're forced to figure out if the old PB fits in the new life that you didn't choose. You're probably tired of hearing that it takes one step at a time one day at a time but you've come far in barely 2 months. You have been changed by widowhood and will continue to change both against your will and voluntarily and I have every confidence that you will persevere and succeed.

Vacation is looming and I'll be sporadically visiting here the next 3 weeks so please don't take my silence as lack of caring. Love ya.
 
PintoBean said:
Rut ro... I had an evening nap session again post dinner!

I've woken up feeling unsure of myself. Being unemployed makes me feel inadequate. Having been hated on for the way I looked, I could comfort myself in the past by telling myself they can't see my mind and my heart and my accomplishments will always give me an edge. Being unemployed makes me feel like those things don't matter now. I also feel like an overgrown baby because a dual income household provided me more mental and emotional security than I had previously acknowledged. I also feel particularly vulnerable because "family" has taken "liberties" with me the way they have.

People often tell my I'm a good person. I'm not sure I am but I try to be good. Now I feel like good equates with sucker. I mean, I've often wondered how so and so got to be where they are, and often the common thread is that they are a douchey ******* that threw people under the boss.
Click to expand...

As a "good person" myself, I feel this way all the time. Unfortunately, I do think other people take advantage of nice people (family even more than others). They don't have the saying "nice people finish last" for nothing.
Where the F is the angry emoji? I need it over here!
 
One day at a time. You'll do just fine.
 
Hi dear PB! Sorry for my absence. I've been helping a friend pack and move, under very difficult circumstances. I honestly don't know how she hasn't had a mental breakdown by now. Anyhow, between her four kids and mine, I haven't had a spare second to form a thoughtful response.

I'm so glad that you've booked a vacay! A change of scene is a great idea! And good for you for getting a new wardrobe rather than lamenting the fact that you needed a few things to supplement what's in your closet. I'll bet you look amazing!

I'm sorry that the interview didn't net a solid job offer (though it sounds like it didn't pay well anyway, so you can do better). I know this limbo land between jobs/contracts is hard, but it will end and you will find something you love.

It's awesome that you're going to volunteer with a kitty rescue group and have found an organization that can benefit from your mad knitting skills!! (Is it knitting or crocheting?? I'm not sure I know the difference! Lol)....

Anyway, know that even when I'm not here, you are on my mind. Sending hugging hunks your way!!
 
freezing_in_MO said:
You are recovering from a colossal loss. A lesser person couldn't even articulate their thoughts the way you do.
/QUOTE]

So much this. PintoBean, at 2 months out I was barely functional. I could go through the motions but my brain was total mush, to the point where I basically had to write everything down to remember what I'd done. Everyone has their own grief journey, so I don't want to make it sound like a competition, but if it helps you, it sounds like you are coping much better than many other widows I know.

Treat yourself like you would your best friend-- be kind to yourself. You have value and immense worth.

Keeping you in my thoughts.
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PB, can I just say how utterly in awe of you I am? Truly, your resilience and integrity and ability to maintain a sense of humor through an unspeakably nightmarish year is phenomenal. I wish you hadn't suffered all you have that's given you the opportunity to show your badassery, but you should know how incredibly you're doing--even if it doesn't feel like it. Hugs to you.
 
@tyty333 how'd you know I'd forget to bring this up with the therapist? :doh:Thank you for the reminder bc i walked into the session with that point ready to go lolol because of you. :love:

Frustrated today because I got two reimbursement checks from Liberty Mutual made to the estate of Michael. That means I need an estate bank account, which in turn looks like I need to get that letter of administration. This isn't the frustrating part - just an annoyance. I already knew I needed the letter bc there was no beneficiary for his Oppenheimer fund. The frustrating part was that that airhead pledge sister made it out like the form is so easy to do by myself and I got through most of it but am unsure about parts. She alluded in the past that this form online seemed longer than what she's seen. She also seemed to give off the impression that she does these all the time. I think not - she's grandstanding. And when I did speak to her on the phone she she speaks very fast and rushed and only half listens. Anyways, long story short, I got a referral from my realtor who generally has very good professional referrals for me. Her dad is in his 90s and finally winding down his career in real estate and she's in her 60s and between the two of them and their experience they know the good ones.

Tomorrow I have an 830am phone interview (yikes) with the company that was a friend's referral for contract work. Last Friday HR stated a rate that is $10 less than my cash rate Bahahaha and less than their full time salary rate. Wtf.

Oh, the info is out there - they know winter is coming! I mean, discover card sent a letter and I called them. They were notified end of June. So funny, there was a disputed charge of $21 bc landsend shipped out a back ordered item and charged the card in July. I totally forgot about the shirt until it showed up on my doorstep. I was like oh, that's a silly dispute I would have paid that! The CS rep confirmed that I had zero'd out the card yay!

I only think I'm so efficient right now, although I'm not truly working at capacity, because I am lousy at taking care of myself (although I've been doing much better than usual as a widow thanks to your encouragement and guidance), and I'm also not great at being kind to myself. But I'm getting better because of your gentle reminders.

Oh, something funny. I am very uncomfortable in real life with most people telling me they love me and I seldom say it back, except to a BF or DH. I'm skeptical I guess that it's anything more than lip service. However, I feel warm and fuzzy when PSers say it to me and it's not shocking, but like a pleasant surprise and it makes me :love:. And I could readily tell any of you that I love you any day of the week because you are my guardian angels :saint:
 
Kick major behind on your interview tomorrow morning! :cool:

I kind of abhor the saying "Fake it 'til you make it," but I think it can apply well to grief journeys sometimes if applied in healthy ways. What were your favorite self-care experiences/foods/scents before everything happened? (Baths, a vase of flowers, a certain song or movie, etc.) In my own experiences with loss and hardship, I've found it can be helpful to perform those things for yourself, however mechanically, because the mind has a sort of muscle memory for things that used to make you feel relaxed or pampered. Getting outside for some sun/Vitamin D can also be helpful.
 
Following this thread, I am horrified at the amount of "crap" (for lack of a better word) you have to deal with! From the shitty ILs, to the bullshit paperwork, to the financials... Once again PB, you are AMAZINGLY strong and so VERY capable! You are taking better care of yourself than you give yourself credit for! Good luck with the interview!
 
:cry:I had a moment where I really wanted to share my crazy day with Michael.:cry:

My 830 AM interview part 2 lolol. My alarm clock was set with two alarms, I had two iPhones set with 2 alarms as well for a total of 6 alarms:pray:. Then I asked my early risers @missy and Nicole to text me from 7AM on :confused:. And I did reply to both of them "5 more minutes." :P

The interview :errrr: I kinda wanted to crack up with how often this "manager" said "cool". I would have believed it if this "dude" said "I'm not a boss but I play one on TV." That's all I'm gonna say for now. :whistle:

I had another meeting with the financial advisors. I started peppering one guy about how he got his job yada yada and then expressed an interest and he said you're definitely smart and personable I'll talk to the big cajunas. Shit - when you don't have a job, you talk to everyone and anyone about an opportunity. This guy asked me how I'm doing and he commented that I'm tough. :rodent: (Nah... mushy overboiled PintoBean...)

I got out of there earlier than expected, and since I was closer to my hair salon I went to get my haircut. When I told my stylist Michael passed he looked like his knees got weak cuz he braced himself on my chair for a second. He was overcome with sadness. My husband always sat quietly and patiently waiting for me to get my hair done. He'd bring me lunch if I was getting a perm or something lol, and my mom always talked about him to the stylist favorably.

Made returns at Nordstroms lol. So... that shady "friend" of mine who's a lawyer... she told me I could retain her firm for $3500 retainer and her rate was $350 and partner rate is $475 to cover doing my letter of administration and will. I got her rate as a point of comparison but had no desire to use her or her firm bc of how rushed she is and how she half listened to me. I got a referral from my realtor who always has the best vendors. She's 20+ years older than me but we have close birthdays and are control freaky over analytical cray cray women lolol but she's got extra cray and a lot less tact and super diarrhea of the mouth so vendors that survive her are not only great but super patient lololol. This guy said I could go to the surrogates court myself their super helpful there or else if I wanted his assistance probably couple hundred and the will he anticipates $500. Big difference.o_O
 
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