I thought this wouldn''t be a big deal at all...

[Erin]

I''m 33, my sister (a lesbian) is 29, and my brother is 27. He started dating a girl last spring and they adore each other. Brother calls to tell me today that he is proposing January 3rd. I like her, I like them, I''m happy for them, I think it''s great!

I just wasn''t expecting this... other... feeling, not at all.

 

[CNOS128]

Is the other feeling jealousy, or protectiveness, or...?

Are you saying that you wanted to be married before the youngest? I get that, and think it''s normal. I''m the youngest of 3 and will be the first to marry (unless someone elopes). Our middle sibling is also a lesbian. My brother''s been dating (for 3 years) a woman I don''t particularly like, and I would be concerned about his happiness overall well-being if they got married - so I get feeling overprotective of another sibling.

 

[Erin]

What a similar situation...
I''m not hung up on being married first, you know if it were by a small margin. I guess when I was with my committment-phobe exboyfriend, the joke in my whole family was that my little brother would get married before I do and he wasn''t even dating anyone at the time. Now it turns out that family joke isn''t so funny, for me, anymore.

 

[gwendolyn]

Date: 12/18/2008 2:46:45 PM
Author: Starset Princess
What a similar situation...

I''m not hung up on being married first, you know if it were by a small margin. I guess when I was with my committment-phobe exboyfriend, the joke in my whole family was that my little brother would get married before I do and he wasn''t even dating anyone at the time. Now it turns out that family joke isn''t so funny, for me, anymore.

Yeah, I can definitely see how that might make you feel some negative stuff in response to his upcoming proposal plans even though you''re happy for your brother and his future wife. Do you think your family will remember that ''joke'' and bring it up after your brother gets engaged, thinking everyone will be amused? I hope not; it''s probably uncomfortable enough just thinking about it.

 

[musey]

I''m sorry, starset. There can be such an interesting mix of feelings when a family member or close friend gets engaged. I know I felt (and still do feel) uncomfortable with my brother''s impending marriage, for many reasons. It sounds like you''re more comfortable with your brother''s relationship than I am with mine''s, though.

If it helps, it does subside. I was somewhat upset by it at first, honestly, but at this point I''m pretty "meh" about it. Wedding''s in 3 months.

 

[idreamofcushions]

I feel ya, Starset. I think what you''re feeling is pretty common.

When I was 19, I [stupidly] got engaged to my first boyfriend. My older sister had a pretty hard time with it, although we were planning to have a long engagement and she was still in college. She was happy for me, but I heard later through my mom that she had a difficult time with it.

I totally didn''t understand what she was going through until my 18 year old cousin popped the question to his girlfriend of 8 months this year! I don''t know where these icky feelings came from! Then, to boot, they decided on the same date SO and I had in mind for our wedding.

C''est la vie. But trust me, these feelings will subside. It is an awkward feeling though.

 

[Erin]

Here''s the ring - lucky gal

 

[lala2332]

1) I love your leg lamp avitar!!!!! A Christmas Story is my favorite!

2) I think its perfectly normal to have feelings other than overwhelming joy. Its a huge change in your famliy dynamic. The youngest is doing something before the oldest, which is a role reversal from how your relationship evolved growing up. It may be difficult for a little while, but remember he still your little brother and you will be there too one day!!!

 

[Dreamgirl]

Date: 12/18/2008 2:46:45 PM
Author: Starset Princess
What a similar situation...
I''m not hung up on being married first, you know if it were by a small margin. I guess when I was with my committment-phobe exboyfriend, the joke in my whole family was that my little brother would get married before I do and he wasn''t even dating anyone at the time. Now it turns out that family joke isn''t so funny, for me, anymore.

Ok, that is a hit in the gut!!! Let me tell you why, because a while back ago I said to my boyfriend "My Mom said your brother would get married before you do" and he replied with a "he probably will....."

I was so upset about it because his brother is younger and been with this girl he is dating for about a year to a year and a half. My boyfriend and I have been together for 10 years ok....I created a whole thread about it if you want to see how I felt about it...lol It was upseting..you know?

So what I''m saying is that I can TOTALLY see where you are coming from. You might not have the same feelings I had when FF said that to me but I get what you are saying. It was a bit of a different situation. But I see where you are coming from. I''m sorry you feel the way you do.. *hugs*

 

[trillionaire]

Sorry Starset! It is strange when a younger sibling beats you to the altar, because it refocuses attention on the older sibling(s)! SO and I were happily dating along, and then his brother up and proposes and gets married, all a surprise, and all within 6mos. And now they have a kid on the way. And now everyone is looking at us, and asking when WE are getting married and having kids. It''s awkward for me because I don''t want a wedding or kids.

Another thing to be thankful for is that your brother told you that he was proposing. SO found out that his brother was engaged via facebook, and he told his parents through an email. (that is a whole other story

) It never really helps to compare our relationships to others, since they are so very different, so just focus on the great time that you and SO are having, and all the attention you are going to get when it is your turn!

 

[kimmels]

I think you are honest and brave to confront that you have these feelings. I am a few days shy of 32 and have never been engaged or married. My younger brother has never been married, but he''s been engaged twice - and has two kids with two different women (no judgement on that, but he''s made some really lousy choices about handling these situations). When i was on the phone with him last year, he asked me if my current BF (soon to be fiance THIS year) had asked me to marry him yet, and I said "we were headed that way, but not yet," and my brother said, only somewhat jokingly, "well, what''s wrong with you then?" It really stung me and it surprised me how much it stung - not that I want relationship advice from him, but I felt like all those awful things I''ve heard since birth about "getting a man" were somehow true. But that sort of thing digs up all sorts of anxiety.
Just remember you''ve got a good thing going with your guy! And we aren''t objects waiting to be picked off a shelf, even though we get lots of messages that tell us that we are.

 

[Blackpaw]

Date: 12/18/2008 9:09:14 PM
Author: kimmels
I think you are honest and brave to confront that you have these feelings. I am a few days shy of 32 and have never been engaged or married. My younger brother has never been married, but he''s been engaged twice - and has two kids with two different women (no judgement on that, but he''s made some really lousy choices about handling these situations). When i was on the phone with him last year, he asked me if my current BF (soon to be fiance THIS year) had asked me to marry him yet, and I said ''we were headed that way, but not yet,'' and my brother said, only somewhat jokingly, ''well, what''s wrong with you then?'' It really stung me and it surprised me how much it stung - not that I want relationship advice from him, but I felt like all those awful things I''ve heard since birth about ''getting a man'' were somehow true. But that sort of thing digs up all sorts of anxiety.
Just remember you''ve got a good thing going with your guy! And we aren''t objects waiting to be picked off a shelf, even though we get lots of messages that tell us that we are.

that''s very true. sometimes i feel like i forget myself in my desire to have SO pop the question...i forget that i have a lot of say in it too. like when it will happen, what kind of person im spending my life with...and then i realise that all those choices add up to mean the ''right'' time for us isnt right now, but will come when its supposed to. so i shouldnt worry i guess?

gosh that was a bit of babble huh?

but starset i feel for you, its not easy and its even harder to admit its not easy when this stuff happens. *hugs* for you....

 

[Winks_Elf]

Totally normal, IMHO. He''s your "baby brother," and you''re the oldest so it''s natural to have these feelings.

(((BIG HUG!)))

The ring is indeed gorgeous.

 

[HollyS]

Date: 12/18/2008 2:46:45 PM
Author: Starset Princess
What a similar situation...
I''m not hung up on being married first, you know if it were by a small margin. I guess when I was with my committment-phobe exboyfriend, the joke in my whole family was that my little brother would get married before I do and he wasn''t even dating anyone at the time. Now it turns out that family joke isn''t so funny, for me, anymore.

I can relate. I didn''t get married until the age of 47! But, I didn''t even have that relationship until I was 35. By that time, my older sister had been married 19 years, and my younger sister was 10 years into her second marriage! I always felt like the odd one out. It can be extremely uncomfortable, even if no one is talking about it; let alone when it''s a family joke.

Chin up! The best things happen after thirty. They do.

 

[MissDimity]

Did your brother asked how you felt? or just assumed you would be ok with it? However if he loves her and is going to propose you should be happy that he is going to propose,which I gathered was your ''overall'' reaction (judge by your tone posted in your thread).

My bf is younger than his brother and we have waited till his brother found a gf and then married her because we knew the whole family had expected that this would traditionally be the order in which the siblings would marry ( even though his family were getting a bit desperate that his brother would never marry.. it was not until he was 36 , that he met his future wife), the whole process (from finding a gf and marrying her took 2 years) and we have been going out over 4 years so we are happy the whole process has been swift because my bf would have proposed before his older brother did, but it was lucky his older brother beat him to it by a month.

Just for superstition interest only: it is unlucky for the older sibling if a a younger sibling gets married before they do, however you can reverse ( annul) any bad luck by, dancing barefoot at their wedding ( thats only if they get married before you do, don''t think it counts if they get engaged before you do).

Note: that is only a superstition that I have read, but if you a superstitious kind of person, it may interest you!

 

[Erin]

Just an update. She said Yes and then asked me to be one of her bridesmaids! I thought that was sweet of her

 

[gwendolyn]

Date: 2/10/2009 6:04:15 PM
Author: Starset Princess
Just an update. She said Yes and then asked me to be one of her bridesmaids! I thought that was sweet of her

Aww, that''s really nice, Starset.

 

[Bia]

It''s wonderful news, a baby brother getting married. Mine did last September and although it was sort of weird (him marrying before me) I was so happy, seeing them so in love, I couldn''t contain myself.

You''re a great sister, so don''t worry about ''those'' feelings...they are perfectly natural and completely harmless.

 

[caribqueen]

You seem like you''re handling everything well. I also have a younger brother, so I can imagine how you feel. I would just try to think about how happy he is and hold on to that. Anyway, it will get better.

 

[bee*]

That''s great that she said yes and that she asked you to be a bm. I think it''s totally normal what you were feeling.

 

[xoxo]

I think its normal how your feeling and its probably a lot of mixs emotions but the great thing is your happy for them and you''ll be one of the BM.

 

[janinegirly]

these feelings are totally normal. As the oldest daughter, it''s hard to not feel the pressure of expectation--no matter how progressive the family. It''ll pass though--which it sounds ilke it already has---and I think it''s really nice that your brother gave you a heads up first so you didn''t have to find out after the fact, or worse, in front of tons of family or something.

how do you really feel about marriage though in terms of your current relationship? Do you think these feelings say more about that perhaps? Sorry, if I missed anything--haven''t seen an update in awhie, but I was off PS for a few months the end of 2008!

 

[Erin]

Date: 2/12/2009 1:09:21 PM
Author: janinegirly
I think it's really nice that your brother gave you a heads up first so you didn't have to find out after the fact, or worse, in front of tons of family or something.

Yes, true. If you are proposing or accepting a proposal before an older sibling, please give them fair warning. I wasn't prepared for my initial reaction which was strange. You know that face in the movies when a person reacts smiling because they're supposed to and she's on the spot, but because it's a movie you know the plot line that inside she's crying? Give your older sibling a chance to make that face while holidng the phone vs in front of a crowd - if possible. As diplomatic and confident as I am, I just wasn't expecting it.

Thank you all very much for sharing your stories. I sometimes read stories online where I think to myself, God you're being so overly dramatic, it's just a glance, napkin, generalization, pen, birth order, blah blah blah... Thanks for helping me realize these feelings are normal and that it sucks even more when it's happening to you