I think this is something more than cold feet! :\

[sweetpea&babycorn]

I know there have been many many threads about this, but I have to let it out somehow, and I'm really hoping I can find some help here, as I have so many times before which has saved me.

We are 7 months away from the wedding, and while I am most certainly getting cold feet, I think something more than that may be going on. I have had the classic cold feet symptoms - wondering "what if," feeling anxious, not sure if my fiance is right for me, etc. This is the first relationship for both us which is making the situation worse for me. However, I feel like I've fallen to the deep end, and I've found myself falling out of love with my fiance. I do love him, we've been together for a long time (6 years this Saturday actually) but I feel like there is a difference between loving someone and being in love with someone.

We've had a huge lifestyle change which has included me starting school, him working from home, owning a new house, etc. It's been over 3 months since all this has happened, and I still find us struggling to feel "normal" again. I am beginning to question whether we are both sort of tired of trying. My fiance is a very independent person, and has always lived his life of keeping to himself, not really showing much emotion, not being very sentimental. I am a little of the opposite. While I do value taking time for myself, being open is very important to me and I am having a hard time figuring out what he is thinking, how he truly feels about our relationship. We've been talking extensively about this, and he knows how I feel. But it seems that him telling me that he wishes things we better between us, then I will sort of get over these feelings and things will be ok again. Basically it seems like he isn't willing to work on it, which makes me not willing to work on it either and we are both stuck. We're trying to improve our communication with each other, but it just doesn't seem to be his personality to tell me what's going on with his life. On top of all this, we've also had stress over the house but that is a separate story.

Our new lifestyle has sort of made us both feel like we are living separate lives, and while we do have date nights, I don't really know if they are helping. We seem to both be in different places in our lives - I am focusing a lot on school and he is busier than ever at work. He doesn't have the typical 9-5 job and when something goes wrong, he has to address it, which makes it almost impossible for us to spend isolated time together. And this will certainly be true when I start working after school with being on call, etc. So that doesn't help things. The difference is that he loves his work, which is of course fabulous, who wants to hate their job right? The problem is that he loves his job so much that he could do it all day with no complaints. This has sort of made me feel like I have to compete with his job.

Now I'm wondering when is the "trying" and "working" worth it, and when is it time to throw in the towel? The last thing I want to do is change who he is, or take him out of his comfort zone, but he is insisting that he can be different and be better about communicating. He's said this before and we always find ourselves back in this situation, and to get out of it, I just sort of give up and manage to convince myself that they will be better. Now that we're getting married plus the cold feet, I"m realizing that this is a huge issue that seems to not be able to resolve itself, and I do not want to spend our marriage like this. I see a lot of similarities with my parent's marriage. Both my parents are unhappy in their marriage, but there are a lot of strings attached (family, finance, kids, etc) that are preventing them from separating. I don't want my marriage to be like my parents.

I myself am going through counseling, and we are both open to premarital counseling or couples therapy, but he is leaving me to do all the research in finding one which additionally makes me feel like he is hoping things will get better before we seek therapy.

I apologize for this being so long, but I've been feeling like this for so long, and am finding it hard to talk to friends and family who are so excited for this wedding (my bridesmaids receiving their dresses hasn't helped either). I need advice as to where to go from here, or someone to slap some sense into me or something. Thank you so much!!

 

[RissaLou]

Seeing as how you are the only one who can figure out what's right for you, my only peice of advice to offer, is what a friend told me when I was having the EXACT same issue as you, (we've even been together the same amount of time). Try to imagine in detail calling off the wedding, seperating your two lives, and starting over on your own, without him. Once you really picture that, try to think about how your feeling. Are you happy? Sad? Still just scared?
When I actually tried to imagine my life (with my now husband), I realized that it didn't feel right to not be with him. I realized that for me, marrying him was the right choice. We've been married three months now and it has been really difficult, a true test of our marriage, but like you we have been going through A LOT of changes. Things have started to settle down and it feels like the old romance is coming back and it feels really good. For me I constantly see our future together and I like the way it looks. I was a young bride (23) and I too worried about "what if". My dream world would have been to take a break without DH knowing and picking back up where we left off in about two years. Sadly that's not the way life works and for me I was not willing to let DH go just to see what else is out there.
Every relationship is completely different because each person is completely different. In the end the only thing that matters is your happiness, it sounds cliche, but "follow your heart" and your intuition.
Good luck

 

[sillyberry]

Oh, hugs sweet pea.

It sounds like you're in a rough transition period with all the changes going on in your lives. I think big changes often have a tendency to bring out "what ifs?" in everyone. In thinking about the rest of your life, my best recommendation is to accept that he is who is he - can you live with that? If he never changes, if he stays more reserved and closed off, do you have enough of an emotional reservoir to stay in love with him?

Even if you have to do the research, call his bluff and go into premarital counseling. Find someone you like and when you're there be quiet and let him talk. If you're anything like me, you'll just go on and on about the problems without ever making him stand up and be a part of the discussion.

There is no shame in calling off or postponing a wedding. It is far, far worse to enter into such an important commitment with only lukewarm feelings. I'm in no way saying you should do this, I just want you know that while it will hurt like hell, it isn't wrong.

I don't know if you've ever read The Five Love Languages, but I found it really helpful in thinking (a) how do I need love, (b) how is he showing love, and (c) how can I reconcile the two. In some ways, my FI sounds a lot like yours, and the things that bug you bug me, too. My guy isn't great at sharing emotional stuff, which for a long time I took as disinterest, but he always makes sure that the little things are taken care of. I finally realized that's how he shows he loves me completely. Not that I don't sometimes wish he was better with words, but, well, he isn't. He wishes I was less emotional and more logical about my feelings, but, well, I'm not.

 

[amc80]

I second the recommendation for the Five Love Languages. It's an amazing book.

What a sucky situation to be in. Ugh. When you got engaged, did you do so because you truly felt you wanted to marry each other? Or did you do it because you had been together 5+ years and it was the logical next step? I don't know, but it seems like if you can even write the stuff you did, you have been thinking about this long and hard...and you probably know the answer.

 

[slg47]

We've been talking extensively about this, and he knows how I feel. But it seems that him telling me that he wishes things we better between us, then I will sort of get over these feelings and things will be ok again. Basically it seems like he isn't willing to work on it, which makes me not willing to work on it either and we are both stuck. We're trying to improve our communication with each other, but it just doesn't seem to be his personality to tell me what's going on with his life. On top of all this, we've also had stress over the house but that is a separate story.

aww sweetpea...first of all *hugs*

if it seems like he's not willing to work on it, sit him down and have a real conversation about it. tell him how you are feeling, and that you NEED him to work with you, or else it's just not going to happen.

premarital counseling also seems like a great idea...you want to make sure that you are going into the wedding for the right reasons, and hopefully it will help you get stuff sorted out.

 

[Dannielle]

Seeing as how you are the only one who can figure out what's right for you, my only peice of advice to offer, is what a friend told me when I was having the EXACT same issue as you, (we've even been together the same amount of time). Try to imagine in detail calling off the wedding, seperating your two lives, and starting over on your own, without him. Once you really picture that, try to think about how your feeling. Are you happy? Sad? Still just scared?

I was going through exactly what you are about 6 months ago. I felt like FI & I had grown apart, he was always so stressed and snappy about work and I felt like we were living as roommates as opposed to two people who were in love.

It got to the point where I started thinking about moving back home, and calling off the wedding, but I didn't.. mainly because of what RissaLou said- I just can't imagine life without FI. It isn't fear, because I know I would be fine.. it is the little things really, like how we randomly start singing made up songs, or the quirky little names we call each other, or our tradition of going to the beach every Sunday and getting Sushi.. little things like that. So I stuck it out, now our wedding is in 3 weeks and I am so thankful that I just held on, because things got better.. I think every relationship has rough patches and the fact that the wedding is coming closer is maybe making you feel a whole lot more stressed than you would be if it wasn't so close?

I hope you figure out your feelings and do whats right for you *hugs*

 

[missydebby]

hugs hugs hugs

I've been there. 15 years ago we were 3 months from the wedding. Dress bought. Venues booked. Everything full speed ahead. And I had these nagging feelings that I kept stuffing down. The planning was fun. I loved the attention. My fiance was great in so many ways. Really, I was lucky to have him. But then that feeling would come up again. And I'd push it down. I didn't want to think about it. I didn't want to be a jerk.

So one day, I'm in my car, and I have a panic attack. I have never had a panic attack before but gradually my mind started racing like the sound of the Beatles song A Day In A Life, where all the orchestral instruments come in at the same time. I call my wisest sister and drive 2 hours to see her. It was all I could do to get there safely. I told her a similar story to yours. And said to her I figure that the worst case scenario was that it didn't work out and if that happened I could just get a divorce. And she said gently, but firmly that I could not marry him. That those thoughts were not compatible with making this commitment. And something else she told me. This is the supposed to be the best times. It doesn't magically get easier when the party's over.

Calling off the wedding was one of the hardest things I have ever done. And I thank goodness I did. Once, a few years later, I had a vision that was so real, that it could have been me looking at my real self in an alternate universe where we had gotten married. I was a mean mom. I was easily irritated and snarky and snappy to my kids. I was an angry little shell of myself. And it was because I had pushed my square peg into a round hole and living with the bad fit. And the Debbie that was in that alternate universe looked up and asked herself how in the hell had she ended up this way. Back to myself, I realized what a narrow escape I had.

Fast forward to now. Married near 13 years to a different man. There were no cold feet. Every body I had disappointed when I called off the wedding scarcely remember it now. I'm even friends again with my ex-fiance and his wife and beautiful kids.

This is not necessarily you. I just wanted to share my story in case it would help.

You know, about 6 months after I had called off the wedding, I had a little heart to heart with my dad. He said "you know Debbie, you have got to have 3 things to get married." I asked what they were. My dad says " well the first is that you have got to not have any other thought in your mind than that you want to be with this person for the rest of your life. You can't even imagine life without him sharing it with you. You two together. That your heart would tear in two if he wasn't by your side." Ok I said. And what are the other two things. Then he said "if you don't have number 1, then the other two don't matter."

 

[sillyberry]

::snip:: And said to her I figure that the worst case scenario was that it didn't work out and if that happened I could just get a divorce. And she said gently, but firmly that I could not marry him. That those thoughts were not compatible with making this commitment. And something else she told me. This is the supposed to be the best times. It doesn't magically get easier when the party's over. ::snip::

What you said is the same thing my friend said before her wedding. We didn't manage to talk her out of it, though, and it was over before it started, but officially ended in divorce about a year later. She's now married to someone who makes her over the freaking moon.

There isn't an answer any of us can give you, sweet pea, we can just hope you do what's best for you and offer up lots of virtual hugs.

 

[junebug17]

Oh sweetie, I don't have any wonderful words of wisdom and no answer for you, but I do want to send out lots of hugs to you. What a difficult, upsetting situation. Having the feelings you do are very unsettling, and I know because years ago I too had second thoughts and called off my wedding. I've been where you are. I was unsure and just could not get married with all of the doubts and misgivings I had. Everything just felt wrong. I wasn't sure if he was the right one, and I just couldn't make a commitment at that time. Turns out I needed more time and we eventually did get married, and have been for 26 years. I'm not telling you what to do at all, what I did may not be the right thing for you, but I wanted to share my story so that you know you are not alone in how you feel.

I think couples counseling is a good idea, even if you have to set it up. In the end you must do what is best for you, and not worry about people's reactions or opinions. It is your life and your future, not theirs. Getting engaged and married is a wonderful time, but it can also be, well, a little scary because it's such a big step and such an important life decision. I truly hope you can find the answer that is best for you, and in doing so you can achieve peace of mind through your decision. Nobody can really tell you what to do, you have to follow your heart and do what you think is right for you. Many hugs to you, I will be thinking about you and hoping for the best for you.

 

[sweetpea&babycorn]

Thank you guys so much for the encouragement, hugs, stories, everything. It has been comforting and it's forcing me to face it with rationality.

I really appreciate all the stories and first hand experiences. It's been great to get both perspectives and what the outcome was.

RissaLou - I'm really happy to hear that both you and your DH are both working to make your marriage work. I wish you all the best, and it's good to hear that marriage is not a picnic for everyone and in reality, it really is something that has to be worked on.

amc80 - i could write a novel, but that would be torture. It has been on my mind for a really long time, longer than any other dip in our relationship. And you're right - that IS saying something. When we talked about getting married it was a mix of both that I loved him and it seemed like the next logical thing to do. I went to grad school to be near him and he moved to be with me when I started school. We are both committed to each other, but that doesn't seem to be enough. I never questioned whether I was in love with him, but recently it has hit me like a ton of bricks. I know the sparks go away, the honeymoon phase fades, but I also believe there should always be an element of feeling in love with each other to keep things alive.

sillyberry - Thanks for bringing up the point of letting him talk more. Like you, I could blab on and on, and not even know that he didn't get a word in. I'm really going to keep that in mind. I will try to find the book you recommend (good thing I just got a 25% off coupon at Barnes and Noble!) and read it in my spare time.

missdebby - Like you, our venue, band, and photographer is booked with paid deposits, my dress is being made as we speak. Our save the dates are sitting in the dining room. People are asking about hotels and stuff. I have all the materials to make the invitations. But my heart is not in any of that. I have no motivation to do anything when a few months ago, I was afraid I wouldn't have any time to do things. I know all that stuff will just kind of disappear if the wedding gets called off, it just seems such a shame to put so much effort, time, and money into getting those things done. C'est la vie I guess.

slg - I'm not sure if it's an issue of him consciously being unwilling to work on it. I think it might just be his personality to try to avoid conflict and to hope things resolve themselves. He talks to me as though it is distressing to him and that he does wish I would fall in love with him again, but usually it doesn't go any further than that. I'm having a hard time making him realize that this will be uncomfortable with some conflict mixed in, but if we want this to work, we have to be prepared for that.

danielle - I have thought about what my life would be without my fiance, but maybe not enough? Sometimes I think I can't live without him because we're so comfortable with each other, and I like the comfort. But I know that shouldn't be my only reason to be with him. I also think a lot about what his life would be without me, and all I can see is that it would be the same for him. He'd work, work some more, and probably do his manly thing of fixing things and building web applications as his hobby. And when I think of that, I do feel a little hurt and it makes me want to call this whole thing off even more.

junebug - Thank you for your insight - part of what I'm working on with my therapist is learning to put my priorities before what people ask of me. I've lived my entire life trying to make everyone around me happy, because I felt that if they were happy then I would be happy too. Recently it has been causing me a lot of anxiety and it has gotten to the point where I have a really hard time saying no to people and it makes me feel incredibly guilty. It has really affected my self esteem and now I feel like when people are unhappy it's my fault because I either played some part in causing it, or I can't make them happy again.

I really think we need some sort of counseling as I'm having a really hard time bringing it up with him. I know it hurts him to know that I feel this way, and it hurts to know that I am hurting him. I do care about him so much. One part of me feels like if I do marry him then I will make him happy at the expense of my unhappiness. I know I wouldn't be miserable but I know that I wouldn't be the happiest I could be. He has never been unhappy in our relationship, and was surprised when I told him that I wasn't sure if we should get married or at least hold off for a while. So him always being happy always makes it harder for me. The other part of me says that it's worse to keep dragging him along if I really don't feel in my heart that he is the one for me because he'd be essentially living in a lie. I don't know what worse right now.

I know if I walk away, it will hurt like hell, and maybe I won't feel better off initially, but I think maybe in the long run I'll be ok. I have all these thoughts of what we would do with all the wedding stuff, and what would happen to the house he bought and whether it would sell, and doing the whole moving thing all over again. I know it's not the job of PSers to be therapists, but I do thank you guys for letting me let out what I can't to others. I will definitely bring up all these points when we find a counselor, but for now it's nice to have it in one place for reference. I can't express how much this has already been a huge help, thank you so much!

 

[galeteia]

I had a little heart to heart with my dad. He said "you know Debbie, you have got to have 3 things to get married." I asked what they were. My dad says " well the first is that you have got to not have any other thought in your mind than that you want to be with this person for the rest of your life. You can't even imagine life without him sharing it with you. You two together. That your heart would tear in two if he wasn't by your side." Ok I said. And what are the other two things. Then he said "if you don't have number 1, then the other two don't matter."

Wow. This is brilliant. Well said, Debby's Dad!

Edit: I'd also like to add that I had cold feet. Very, VERY cold feet (you can check my post history) but my cold feet were about getting married and moving to another country. I was always 100% sure about the guy, but the rest of it was giving me the vapors. My mother asked me "what would you regret more?" and hands down the answer was being without him. Fast forward a few years and the circumstances are driving me nuts, but the guy? Wonderful. The highlight of my night is snuggling into bed with him, and even after two and a half years, I unconsciously break into a jog in our parking lot in anticipation of seeing him when I get home.

My point is, marriage is not about being married, the wedding, how much you spent on the planning, people's expectations, etc. It's about you and him. If the prospect of him being at the other end of the altar doesn't inspire you to sprint down the aisle, maybe things need to be reassessed.

 

[bee*]

So much of what you've written is how DH and I are at the moment. I'm in college, he works at home and we both work long hours so it's difficult to spend a huge amount of time together. I didn't have any cold feet prior to our wedding and I couldn't imagine being without him however I do know how difficult it is to be living like this at the moment. You still have 6 months to go before your wedding which is good. What's keeping me going during this time is knowing that in 18 months I'll be qualified and hopefully DH's job will be better and we'll have a lot more time together than. Have things been like this for long with you?

 

[Porridge]

Huge hugs sweetpea. I don't really feel comfortable giving you advice because I just don't know your situation well enough. However, I called off a wedding last year, three months out. All deposits paid, just before the invites went in the post thank goodness. My situation was different from yours, the relationship was all kinds of wrong, but what I wanted to say is that calling off a wedding is really not as big a deal as you may think. People forget. Anyone who cares about you just wants you to be happy. Also, deposits may be paid, but they're only deposits - calling it off is a lot cheaper than going through with it and paying in full! And it's cheaper than divorce.

I am NOT saying you should call off your wedding. I just want to maybe help lift some of the fear you may have about doing so so that your head is a bit clearer.

I hope you find a way to get your FI to work with you. It soundsl like he doesn't realise how serious this is.

 

[missydebby]

really well said Porridge

 

[rosetta]

Missdebby, your father is indeed wise.

Sweetpea, do not ignore these feelings. They are telling you something. You must confront the situation head on, even if that means your relationship ends. There will be ups and downs in every relationship, but the core of the relationship cannot be in doubt.

Don't worry about what anyone thinks. I spent a fair bit of time yelling at FI that I didn't want to marry him, when I was p*ssed off at him. Even as I said it, I knew it wasn't true. To his immense credit he never once even when monumentally angry said he didn't want to marry me. We are passionate people, we say whatever we want and to hell with it. But not once have I truly wondered how life would be without him, I know it would be infinitely worse. If this is how you feel too, despite your other feelings now, it is still worth trying to work it out with him. What you mustn't do is ignore the situation hoping it will sort itself out.

Good luck my dear!

 

[Laila619]

What a tough situation. I'm going to be kind of straightforward here--if you are having these types of doubts, I would not go through with the marriage. It's normal to be a little nervous about the big changes that are to come. But it's another thing to be nervous about whether your future spouse is right for you. When DH and I were engaged, I would have rather cut off my own arm than picture my life without him. It was unfathomable to me. In other words, I was unsure about some of the changes to come, sure, but I was never once unsure about *him*.

 

[sweetpea&babycorn]

Thank you so much for the perspective everyone, and thank you for the reassurance about if I call off the wedding.

Just as a little update, we've been talking about it at length this weekend and it does feel better to talk about it, and he has has been making a bigger effort. But, he has admitted that he is trying harder because he knows I've been feeling really insecure, so that makes me worried that once things get better between us he'll go back to his old ways, which has happened before too. I realized that when I had the time to really focus on our relationship, it was really me who was driving things forward and trying to keep the spark alive. Once I started school again, he seemed perfectly content to let us live separate lives. When I started pointed out where I think things are going wrong, he agreed, and that a lot of the things have to do with his personality flaws, which I told him I don't think I can live with for the rest of my life.

So we're both being pretty serious about going to see a third party who can help us. Towards the end of our conversation he asked me if I was really serious about calling off the wedding, and I said yes. I wouldn't joke about something like this and then he went silent, so I asked what he was thinking about. He said he was wondering when we would book a hotel block for our guests so he could let his family know at Thanksgiving. And when he said that, I knew we really needed help or this wedding really will be called off. After I pointed out how ludicrous his initial thoughts were after I said I was serious about the wedding, he sort of realized we need to get things figured out too.

 

[rosetta]

Oh dear

I hope things work out for you sweetpea. I really do

But whatever you decide, we are here

I know someone who called off a wedding the night before it. She has just very happily married someone else. It is survivable.

 

[rosetta]

no need to respond to this sweetpea.

just wanted to send my support and let you know that i'm thinking of you x

 

[Amys Bling]

hope all is well.

 

[GliderPoss]

Sending my best wishes to you at this difficult time. Get therapy as a couple before you make this big decision. I agree with the others - you should be wanting to sprint down the aisle at this stage so any thoughts to the contry seem a sign of your gut feelings.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

From where I'm sitting you have two options...

One, if you're in love with this man then you take a step back and realize these are the growing, fundamental years that lay the foundation for everything else that will come. They are typically defined as being "hard". This is the time to pay your career and education dues so that in a few years life levels out and you get into a routine that works for you both.

As far "working" and "trying" being a stressor, that worries me. Marriage is always work, there is always an ongoing element of "try" involved. Sometimes you get to coast, but that isn't constant. You have to be committed to putting in the effort, you have to know that this guy is the guy worth that effort. Because, to be frank, when it's no longer work/house/school, it will be kids/work/house...and eventually that will be replaced by another variable. Life tends to just get busier as we get older and add responsibilities.

Now, thats not to say planning a wedding isn't a boat of load of added stress. Before my wedding, I declared two full days a week WEDDING FREE ZONES. We'd go to a movie, or crash in front of the TV, have a fancy dinner or go shopping but NOTHING about those two days had anything wedding-related involved. We were just us and that was such a luxury. My friends knew it was an off limit topic, my Mom couldn't hound me...it was just so nice and normal and gave me a sense of balance. Try it, steal the idea...

Now the second option is dramatic, but if you're really unhappy, then you need to be dramatic.

Postpone, step back, step down. Take time for you. Figure out what direction you want to go in without pressure of a date looming. I know you have money on the line and people planning on this...but you come first, beyond and above all that....and if you're not sure, no one would tell you to push forward regardless.

That doesn't mean you have to breakup, move out, fracture your whole life...but that means you say "I'm for sure done until after the holidays and I'll see how I feel and how we are at that point in time"...and during that break really search yourself to figure out what you need out of your life to make you happy.

I'm just sorry to hear you're feeling badly, this is supposed to be a blissful time...but believe me when I say you're not the first bride to feel like this. I just hope that you land your feet and do whats in your best interests.

((big hugs))

 

[Pandora II]

Having seen my sister struggle and work and try in a marriage that she nearly called off and didn't - because deposits and plans had been made, your posts worry me as I see much of the same things that she said to me.

I may be in the minority but I don't have to 'try' or 'work' at my marriage at all - or if I do, then I'm certainly not concious of it. However I was in relationships before where I endlessly tried and worked at them and it was hell. I thought it meant it was a serious 'grown-up' relationship because of the problems rather than seeing that it was a relationship that wasn't worth trying at and hadn't been for a long time.

My mother said to me that if you have doubts about the man you are marrying or don't think that your life together isn't pretty darn perfect then you should walk away as both will get worse after the wedding and a hundred times worse with kids in the mix.

It worries me that you are stressed, worried and unhappy enough to write what you did and seek help on the internet. I think you know in your heart what the answer is for you and you should follow that feeling as it's probably right.

 

[rosetta]

I must say my relationship is completely effortless too, but I think that's only because we've only been together one year and 4 months!

 

[Anonymous]

I don't think a long term relationship can possibly be effortless. Work, keeping up after a home, kids (if you have them), finances, illnesses, bad habits (we ALL have some)...it's just not realistic or fair to say there's something wrong if you have to work at it. There's a HUGE difference though between healthy working together towards the same goal and making progress vs. spinning your wheels, vastly unequal amounts of work by the people in the relationship and not progressing in the same direction together as a unit.

 

[Gypsy]

My marriage isn't effortless. But I cannot imagine my life without my husband beside me as my life mate. And he feels that same. That brings a willingless to work things through that otherwise wouldn't be there. We've had issues... life is turbulent and you never know how you are going to react to the things it thows at you. And the 'loving and in love' disctinction. My husband, my MARRIAGE is my foundation. It's the rock under my feet. Without it I would be free falling. And when it is in trouble I feel it with every fiber of my being, and NEED to fix it. FIX it, not walk away. Because walking away isn't an option.

I too won't tell you to call of the wedding or marry him. But I will tell you that it doesn't sound like either of you is truly ready for marriage to each other RIGHT NOW. Can you postpone and get to couples therapy and see where life takes you?

 

[kelpie]

I'm sorry you're going through a hard time. I hope the right path becomes illuminated for you and you find a happy place.

My cousin called off her wedding 2 months prior. It was going to be a huge event. He had a gambling addiction he promised to address but didn't and despite being a financial adviser in business for himself she discovered he had squandered hundreds of thousands of real estate profits from the sale of his only house. There were also some telling clues like him telling her she couldn't pick certain wedding gown styles and he did not care to attend most of our family events. I thought it took an enormous amount of courage on her part and was very proud of her for expressing that clarity of mind. She said, yes it was costly, but not nearly as costly as marrying the wrong man. She just sent out tasteful postcards to everyone on the guest list that "The marriage of Miss XXX and Mr XXX will not be taking place". Four years later, she just married the right man this past spring.

 

[sweetpea&babycorn]

Thanks all for the additional replies. The support has been so great, and it's really helping me to make a final decision.

There's a HUGE difference though between healthy working together towards the same goal and making progress vs. spinning your wheels, vastly unequal amounts of work by the people in the relationship and not progressing in the same direction together as a unit.

Thanks for this Tammy because you were able to put into words what I was thinking but couldn't explain. Right now I definitely feel like the latter, but my fiance is trying to shift it to the former, which is great, but I just know it won't last this long because he always goes back to his "old" ways.

We have been talking at length about what to do. I can feel in my mind and body that I need to make a decision about what to do or I will be causing my own misery. It's been causing me an incredible amount of anxiety, distress, and sadness. My fiance has clearly expressed that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me and has only envisioned his future with me, which makes it all the more harder, but I do appreciate that he's being honest with his feelings and letting me know how much I mean to him. We decided to pursue counseling after the Thanksgiving holiday. We will be spending the entire week of Thanksgiving apart (wasn't a conscious choice, just happened to be a result of our plans with our families), which we both think will help clear my mind.

He says he's come to terms with our situation and doesn't want me to continue with the wedding plans if I'm not excited about being married and living with doubts. So we both agreed that we would go ahead with finding a counselor and maybe after 2 or 3 sessions I would decide whether to call off the wedding or not. The situation doesn't make either of us happy, but I think we both know this is something we have to face, which is a lot better than where we started. He also said he's prepared for me to do what's best for me and if that means going separate ways, then he'd be supportive of it.

I do love him so much and care about him which makes it so so so hard to decide what to do. The last thing I want to do is hurt him. But I know it'd hurt him more to pretend to feel the same way as him. I talked to my sister about this, and she agreed with a lot of you. She says I should continue with the wedding if I'm not in love with him and if I don't wake up in the morning just feeling incredibly happy and in love with the man sleeping next to me, then marriage is not the right thing. She was really encouraging me to do what's right for me, and emphasized not to worry about the wedding and emphasized the amount of support I would have should I call off the wedding and end things with my fiance, which really meant a lot to me.

Right now, before counseling, I want to at least call off the wedding so I don't feel time pressure. I haven't touched anything wedding related since before Halloween, and the STDs are still sitting in the dining room, unmailed. But I want to see what counseling can do for us, so hopefully things will go well with that. It means so much to me that you all are willing to give advice and send well wishes. big *HUGS* back to all!!!

 

[loriken214]

I'm SO proud of you for taking a step back before you go ahead with the wedding. Wish I had done the same thing before staying in a marriage for 10 1/2 years that should have NEVER happened. I knew at the rehearsal that I was making a huge mistake and later shared those thoughts with my Mom. She told me that I didn't have to go through with anything and she wished I had told her how I felt back then. Major lesson learned....YOU have to be happy no matter what!

Please know that you are thought about and wished all the best as you go through counseling. Stay strong!

Lori

 

[missydebby]

wishing you my best Sweet Pea. *hug*