I think my sister just became a LIW

[Rhea]

My sister called me for a long conversation earlier this week. She''s been seeing a guy for about a few months and they just click. They found out that he''s going to Germany for around 3-4 years with the military. My sister is just in tears and I feel so bad for her. She called me because I did the long distance thing with my British husband for three years before we married three years ago. She thinks this is the the guy. THE guy. And my heart is just breaking for her because long-distance is incredibly hard. Like me, she won''t be able to live with him or spend any kind of time with him until they get married...or until he comes back.

I''m not sure what I''m asking for here. I know how to keep up an international relationship, but anyone have any advice on international, military, long-distance? Neither has any idea what to expect. On the good side, they are the same nationality and this is a temporary situation, on the bad side, military culture is so different from anything she knows about or can talk to anyone about.

 

[tlh]

Wow, this is tough! I know when you just, know, you''ve met the one. It is an incredible feeling! I wanted to ask....
why did you do the long distance thing for 3 years?
Did you know at the beginning that it would be 3 years later that you''d end up married?

I think those facts make a difference. 3-4 years is a long time when you know ahead of time that you''ll be waiting AT LEAST that long. I am not strong enough to do that. I have done the distance thing with 2 men. One was an across the state situation... 400 miles... (I didn''t have a car, and he went to a different college than I did.) Both times I did a long distance relationship - I folded. One year at one college, and then I was the one to transfer to his school... way stupid since the school I left was THE TOP school for my field of study... but I changed it... I was young, and naiive. The 2nd time I was much older and my boyfriend lived 1500 miles away, across the country, and I folded after 6 months. If I knew I would have to wait 3-4 years, I would have left after 8 months. I couldn''t take it anymore!!!! I just look at love as a close bond and frienship, but I HAVE to be able to hug, and JUST TOUCH my loved ones.... if someone I loved was overseas, and I knew ahead of time how long... I personally couldn''t wait. I''d go mad. But that is ME.

Your sister knows her heart, and if she loves him... it will work. My brother was deployed and was dating his now wife for 1 year before then. He wrote her and called her, all the time. I cannot say everyday, because I do not know if that is a fact. His deployment was brief however, and only lasted 8 months. (Reserves.) The two of them really bonded during that experience and they are closer than ever. They never bicker, and are very much in love. They have a daughter and are very very happy. So I think she is stronger than me, because she didn''t see him once during those 8 months. I would see mine every 3-6 weeks. I am a weak person, and I admit that. Your sister will know how strong she is... so HUGS!

I think just listening to her can help.... and giving her lots of hugs. Plus it wouldnt hurt to let her know that you''ll be there when he isnt. Making sure she is okay, and not like clamming up and becoming a shut in--- waiting for his call. Reassure her, and give her hugs when she needs them. HUUUUGGGS!

 

[Amanda.Rx]

Awww. Long distance is incredibly tough. My boyfriend has been in Germany since September (for school, not military). He was supposed to stay for the entire year, but he''s cutting it a semester short b/c we''re having a hard time dealing with the distance (which I''m very thankful for).

At least being in Germany isn''t front line combat. He should be pretty safe over there.

Germany is also pretty easy to visit (if he''s allowed to have visitors). Give her a hug for us!

 

[Rhea]

Date: 1/24/2009 10:50:17 AM
Author: tlh
Wow, this is tough! I know when you just, know, you''ve met the one. It is an incredible feeling! I wanted to ask....

why did you do the long distance thing for 3 years?

Did you know at the beginning that it would be 3 years later that you''d end up married?

For me? I didn''t know it would be three years. I did know that it would be until we got married. DH is British. I couldn''t just up and move to the UK to be with him. Checking out our visa options we realised that we''d either need to get married or I''d have to get a student visa to get a masters, but we''d still be long-distance in the same country while I was studying.

___________________

I think my sister sees that we did it so she''s a bit more sure that it can work. I''m not actually sure military thing he''s going for. I don''t understand military at all. I know it''s not front line, more like behind the scenes stuff. Do you know where I could find out anything about military being able to have visits? I think knowing a bit more about what to expect could be helpful for them. Long-distance relationships are so painful and communication so difficult that I just want to hug her and tell her that it''s going to suck. She did ask about visiting me in England to be closer to him, if she''s allowed short visits to Germany to see him.

 

[tlh]

I honestly think your sister couldn''t ask for a nicer and more understanding person to help her through this. Your experieinces with your DH and an overseas BF really make you the perfect shoulder. As far as military and visitations... that is completely dependant on his role while there. I don''t know of any sites that publish that military information... I would just suggest he talk to his Superior Officer to get the info... the recruitment office will say whatever it takes to sign you up. It isn''t as extreme as Private Benjamman but it aggrandaizes that stereotype.

You are a wonderful sister and a dear friend. I think it is sweet of you to do some research for her, as it may be too painful to do. But try to not let her compare her situation to yours, because she may be upset if it doesn''t work out the same way. IE longer duration, fewer visits, etc.

HUGS and best wishes to your family and safe return wishes for her BF. *DUST*

 

[ImpatientOne]

Hmm, how old is your sister? Her bf? As the wife of an active duty Soldier and the mother of an active duty Marine, I will say this will be a tough one, especially considering they have not been together very long. Long distance relationships can be difficult anyway, but adding the fact that he will be in a different country and, more importantly, thrfow the military in there - well, let''s just say it will be very challenging. I''ve seen a lot of relationships fall apart in the same scenario.

 

[Rhea]

Impatient, can you tell me any more about the military side of things? Is there anywhere my sister can learn more about if she''ll be able to visit him at all or if he''ll be able to come back to the US during his military time?

 

[ImpatientOne]

The thing about the military is, basically, he has an obligation to the military and the military will ALWAYS come first. He will go away for training, he will go away on deployments and he will most likely go through a lot of things that we, as civilians will never fully understand. From my experiece, one has to be VERY flexible in order to be able to handle this lifestyle. Things can and often do change very quickly, and personal plans are often affected.

If he goes to Germany, she will be able to go visit, and he will be able to come back to the states to visit. Military members earn 30 days of leave per year. Depending on his job, his unit and their mission, he may have a lot of free time or very little free time.

If she is wanting to talk to other wives, girlfriends, fiances etc, tell her to do a google search for support groups, or go to this site (not sure links are allowed here, but if it gets deleted, it Army Wives Forums) http://www.armywivesforums.com There are many other support forums out there as well. Honestly, being able to connect with others who are in the same situation is what keeps me sane!!!

Best wishes for your sister!!!

 

[Dreamgirl]

Awww....I feel for your sister too. I was LDR with FF our first year together. But, that was only 13 months. It is certainly hard to be apart. I''d have a very tough time with 3-4 years. It''s great that she found THE guy. It''s unfortunate that she will have to wait all that time. My heart goes out to her........

Sorry I really don''t have any advice other than if he is THE guy, she will have to wait for him....

 

[Rhea]

Thank you! I''ll send her to Army Wives to check it out. Like I''ve said, distance I can do, military I can''t. My sister has always been surprisingly good at relationships so I think it''s great that she''s really keen to check this out and attempt to understand what''s about to happen. I just hope that he likes her as much and that she doesn''t get too hurt by the distance and military mind-set.

 

[Noahsmom]

I have gone through something like this. DH and I were together for 4 months and then he got deployed to Europe for 1 1/2 years. It was hard, but we made it work with pictures, phone calls, webcam conversations. For the major holidays when he was able to come home we saw each other, and for his birthday and mine I flew to England and we met half way and spend a few days together during his R&R''s. It is possible to have a LDR when one is military, but it is hard. Not knowing when the phone call is coming, etc. In a way it is a lifestyle change, but if she is adaptable to change she might be alright. There are some great websites: like this one http://www.survivingdeployment.com/links.html.

Best of luck to her, it''s tough but if he is THE guy, it''s worth it.