I never got a proposal.

[Fly Girl]

Once you two decided to get married you were secretly engaged. Once you told others you two were getting married, you were engaged. The ring is a nice symbol, but it doesn''t mean you are, or aren''t, engaged. And, a 3/4 ct diamond solitaire is a lovely e-ring.

If it''s been two years and you are still upset, I have to think that this is about something other than the ring.

Good luck to you.

 

[rhbgirl24]

Awwww, thats just such a shame. I was with my guy 12 years before he proposed, and I would have been very upset if it wasn''t in, at least, a personalized way. I can completely sympathize here.
I know you''ve said you talked to him, but maybe trading the ring in for something different and then asking him to actually propose could erase those bad associations. You said he was your match in every other way. Treasure that, even if you don''t get this, because that is very very rare.

 

[DiamondFlame]

Being a near perfect match doesn't always mean you're meant to be together. If he just dismissed your 'hurt' by telling you to 'get over it', it shows some fundamental flaw in his regard for your feeling.

And people really should not judge others by their 'profession'. Whoever says an engineer can't be as romantic as an artist?

Here's a guy's perspective. I've been married before. I never proposed. Because I never wanted to. And I never got the chance. I went along with her plans to get married because it was considered the right thing to do (I was young and naive). So we went ring shopping and yes, I got her a 'cheap' microset sapphire. I sent some family representatives to seek her hand. To cut a long story short, throughout the years I felt trapped in a loveless marriage and I resented the fact that I was NEVER given the chance to propose. The moment was taken from me. I could never get it back. And I could not get over it. Her blatant disregard for my feelings should have set off my alarm bell those years ago.

The marriage ended in the sixth year (she cheated). 3 years on I found a woman I truly love; I'm not passing up the chance to propose this time.

If it really means that much to you, tell him so and be prepared to 'break it off'. If you really mean that much to him, he must be prepared to win you back, do the right thing and propose to you 'cuz that's what a woman deserves. The size of the stone really shouldn't matter.

 

[crease123]

*He is my perfect match in every way*

I hate to say this, but in my experience I came across many girls in a relationship saying those lines, even though there are obviously fractures in it. I''m in no way accusing that you are lying, but its the somewhat sad truth that girls can get a disillusioned sense of happiness sometimes.

In a perhaps excessive example, I was a police officer once. And many of times, we attended domestic abuse cases where the husband is beating up the wife. When we arrive at the scene and were in the process of arresting the husband, guess who are hitting us on the head with a rolling-pin. Words like "he''s only abusive when he is drunk" was heard so often.

Bottom-line is, you need to have a cold, hard objective look at your relationship and determine whether everything is truly ok. I''m not the casanova of the world, but its blatantly obvious to me that he has little to no regards of your feelings whatsoever.

I might be very harsh on this....but I can sense this marriage ending up in a divorce...

 

[16ocean]

Date: 3/6/2009 2:51:35 AM
Author: gwendolyn
Has anything like this happened before, where you had certain hopes for something you wanted, communicated them to him, and he disregarded what you wanted, or is this the first time you have felt this way?

Very Very good question. I truly do hope the two of you are compatible in every other way . . .please let us know what you have deiced to do

-hug-

 

[suchende]

There''s been a lot of wisdom in this thread already, but I do wonder... did you pressure him into engagement? Maybe he is also harboring some resentment about your engagement and doesn''t particularly feel like making amends for that reason.

 

[litebrite]

I hope that you have settled your doubts, one way or another. My heart broke a little for you reading your post. Does he generally take your thoughts and concerns into consideration in daily life, or is it really just this one thing?

I know there are plenty of guys who don''t care about social conventions and can''t be bothered to. My husband isn''t the kind of person who would necesarily remember anniversaries routinely or want to put on a big production, and our engagement dinner was something of a spectacular failure because he had an allergic reaction to something in the food. But he''s fantastic year-round, not just on one day a year, if that makes sense. He routinely thinks about my needs and wants and worries, but he''s not a huge mushy gushy kinda guy who would make a huge show out of a proposal.

Sometimes when Valentine''s rolls around or whatever, I get a tiny bit miffed that there are no flowers waiting for me, but I would rather have a good solid love and consistent actions that demonstrate that versus someone who puts on a show once a year.

I hope you find resolution.

 

[AnotherLabRat]

Can I pipe in for sec with another male point of view? Even if you are shaking your heads no, I''m going to anyway.

First - You said you discussed marriage and getting engaged and started shopping together. You bought it together and picked it up together. Now, I''m a romantic, and what you are talking about just saps the romance out of it completely for me. I believe there should be some mystery and surprise when it comes to the ring and proposals. It doesn''t seem very popular nowadays though. From my point of view, if you involved yourself heavily in every part of the process then you kind of took the opportunity away from him to actually surprise you. He probably figured you weren''t a traditional kind of girl when it came to proposals and it wasn''t a big deal.

He may know your character, that speaks otherwise, but your actions are what he saw. For me, I would shut down completely if my gf wanted to take over the whole process.

Second - It is JUST a ring. You should have something you definitely want, but it shouldn''t be the end of the world if it''s not exactly what you pictured. Although I understand you associate the ring with the proposal that never happened.

Do you know how many female friends I''ve hard talk about how they would only want such and such size of a diamond? These were all non-materialistic, nice, honorable girls talking like this. It''s ridiculous, appalling, and frightening as a guy to hear that kind of garbage spewing out of a girls mouth. To so many girls, a rings symbol of commitment is only proportional to the cost of the ring. Again, it is JUST a ring. It''s the symbolism that is important.

Third - You believe he can afford just about anything. Are you sure? Do you know what his credit card account balances are, loan payment amounts, take home income, and all his other expenses? What I''m getting at is that he may actually have had a budget and just not wanted to tell you.

Last - I''m not taking sides, but just offering another point of view. It sounds like there is a lot more going on than just the ring/proposal. You can always give him back the ring and tell him what you''d like (a real proposal), but keep in mind, from a male point of view it will seem silly since the mystery is not there anymore. I would stay away from suggesting you want a more expensive ring though. Different is okay, but more expensive would likely be insulting to him especially if you don''t know his complete financial status.

 

[Circe]

I''m chiming in late on this one, and the OP never came back, so it''s more for the sake of just adding an additional perspective ....

AnotherLabRat, you posted with a fairly dude-ish perspective: allow me to counter. I proposed to my guy, spur of the moment, and we went to choose the ring together after it became clear that he didn''t want one, but did want me to have one. It was all romantic as hell.

First: the idea that the proposal needs to be a big surprise puts a lot of pressure on the woman to wait and be passive (*not* romantic for all women - very frustrating for many) and kind of requires the guy to be a mind-reader (see, the many posts in this thread where women mention being disappointed with how their proposals have gone down). I think it''s more individualized than that ... and that each couple needs to talk about what they expect. She''s told him, over and over and over, and he''s told her to deal. Bad sign ....

Second: it''s actually not just a ring. It''s a heavily loaded cultural symbol. I know the desire for a big ring can read as materialistic, and I agree, it''s f''d up. But I think the problem is more cultural then it is individual: it really is presented as a signified of how much a guy loves you. Not so much in terms of abstract cost, but in terms of relative cost. Is this deeply screwed up? Yes. Is it still a social reality? Yep. So, again, it needs to be addressed - if the guy couldn''t afford it/prioritized their mutual needs for sustenance and shelter more, that''s valid. If he just thought her wants were stupid ... he''s kind of an ass, or at least, not a very good candidate for a state in which "we" trumps "I."

OP, my guy isn''t romantic, particularly. But when I expressed disappointment over the fact that he wasn''t big on cards and love letters, I woke up to a house full of love notes. Little, tiny love-notes on Post-its all over the house, waiting for me when I got up. On my Hot Pocket. Inside of my coffee mug. Under my shoe when I picked it up to put it on. Etc. Part of marriage is listening to the other person''s desires, and doing your best to fulfill them, and your guy ... doesn''t seem to be doing that. Perhaps premarital counseling might be a good idea before you go any further, just to be sure that you see eye to eye?

 

[ficklefaye]

i haven''t read through the whole thread, but something similar happened to a friend of mine, they picked out the ring together and she actually put it on her own finger when it was ready

altho it was important to her, she brushed it off because her now DH was perfect for her in every other way, they got married not too long ago and even joked about him never proposing, in the long run, it wasn''t a big deal at all to them

so it really depends on whether it''s a big deal for you, if it is, then talk to your FI, maybe he''ll wake up to this and plan something special, if it helps, my FI proposed to me after i just woke up from a nap, not at all romantic, but his intentions were there

 

[ckrickett]

I am going to go on a bit of a tangent here, but sometimes being a perfect match is not enough.
I was in a relationship with someone for 3+ years and I mean we were ridiculously prefect together.
after awhile nothing was exciting anymore, we were so alike we could answer each others questions without being asked and knew each other inside and out.
It got boring, and there turned out to be no passion. I am MADLY in love with a man now and we have so many differences it''s so refreshing. I learn new things and see a completely new take on life and I know that everyday will be a new adventure. Yes we argue alot but we do it because, well we love each other so much that sometimes when we want the best for each other and the other person doesn''t see that it gets alittle heated. But we both come from a good place about it.

I''m not saying that that is right for everyone, but sometimes being a match isn''t all its cracked up to be.

 

[ficklefaye]

Date: 8/2/2009 12:21:25 PM
Author: ckrickett
I am going to go on a bit of a tangent here, but sometimes being a perfect match is not enough.

I was in a relationship with someone for 3+ years and I mean we were ridiculously prefect together.

after awhile nothing was exciting anymore, we were so alike we could answer each others questions without being asked and knew each other inside and out.

It got boring, and there turned out to be no passion. I am MADLY in love with a man now and we have so many differences it''s so refreshing. I learn new things and see a completely new take on life and I know that everyday will be a new adventure. Yes we argue alot but we do it because, well we love each other so much that sometimes when we want the best for each other and the other person doesn''t see that it gets alittle heated. But we both come from a good place about it.


I''m not saying that that is right for everyone, but sometimes being a match isn''t all its cracked up to be.

sorry to go off on a tangent, but i think it really depends on a person''s definition of perfect, personally i don''t see it as a person who is just like me, another me would be pretty crazy! haha. my FI is unlike me in many ways, but like you said it is refreshing to get a whole different view on certain issues, and sometimes he doesn''t quite understand why i''m upset but he is willing to talk me through it and try to understand, that''s important to me

 

[ckrickett]

that is really good he is willing to talk, that shows that he cares!

 

[QueenB29]

Date: 3/5/2009 1:34:00 PM
Author: jet2ks
Wow! I'm not sure what to say right now.


As a guy, I understand that the 'practical' side of getting engaged (budget, ring, etc.) is easier to deal with than the 'romantic' side. Do I fully understand why a woman wants a diamond ring and romantic proposal--nope! Even not fully understanding the why, I do comprehend that it is important to her, and that makes it important to me.


If you were shopping for a ring together, why did he pick the setting and stone? Sure, he wants input and the ring ought to reflect some of his personality, as well as yours, but YOU are the one that will be wearing it for the rest of your life. The ring should be something you both love, but now you say that you hate it. You really need to sit down and talk this one out. The idea of returning the ring to him is a good one, maybe after the conversation and he has a better grasp of your perspective. My questions are whether this ring shopping episode is indicative of a controlling personality or if he was uncomfortable trying to shop without really knowing what he was doing. Also, if he does take the ring and come back with a genuine heartfelt proposal, are you still going to have bad memories associated with that ring?

Only you can answer those questions, good luck with whatever you choose

I agree with this. I'm less concerned for you that he didn't actually "propose" than the fact that he picked out the ring he liked. Okay, maybe he didn't feel comfortable buying a bigger stone, but why couldn't you get the cut or setting that YOU wanted. After all, you're the one who will wear it, theoretically for the rest of your life. I don't know if I'd give the ring back to him if you aren't prepared for the fact that he might take it and leave you. I think I would put it in a drawer for awhile and see if he notices it's gone. Give him like a week, and then be like, 'Did you notice something's missing?' And then you can use that as an opportunity to discuss how the ring makes you feel and that you don't feel engaged and need a proposal. IMO, every woman deserves one from the man she marries.

You may want to consider counseling as well. If you're planning a religious ceremony, many religions require premarital counseling. Good luck! I really fell for you. ]

ETA: I didn't realize this was an old thread. Oh well.

 

[The Ice Man]

Ok. An opinion from a man''s point of view, RUN fast! As a man I feel that if I were to give my FUTURE BRIDE a ring it''s a sacred thing. The moment it''s handed over to the moment we are putting each other in the ground, that one PROPOSAL should be something that is a warm memory that lasts forever. Let''s face it, money and the size of the stone does have an affect on most people''s life, people up grade rings and make more money in life. Their is only one PROPOSAL!

 

[Laila619]

Date: 3/7/2009 1:40:56 AM
Author: Djarum
What token does the woman give the guy when accepting the proposal? Just a ''yes?''

What token does the guy get? The privilege of spending the rest of his life with her!

 

[TooPatient]

Might be an old thread. But I KNOW it is relavent to me and I''m sure there are many more out there.

I hope it turned out okay for the original poster.

I''m in a similar situation potentially. He makes $150,000/year. Has very little debt (after 5 1/2+ years, I know it all well). Regular bills are a bit of a challenge sometimes but we always make it. 3 or 4 times a year he gets a bonus and stock money. Usually $8,000+ (sometimes as much as $12,000). Much goes to paying bills but there is ALWAYS a chunk for new tools, computers, DVDs, etc. This time through is $3,000 for new woodworking tools + more for music & movies. (also washing machine, kitchen tile, replace broken windows)

He is very practical usually. So am I -- mostly. I don''t want the biggest most expensive ring. Just something nice. I found my perfect ring. Everything I wanted. $4700 and it is likely less expensive from an online source. His response is that "he just doesn''t have the money for it. Even if we went with the smaller one for $3200."
I know that there was the money. It went to his woodworking stuff.
His arguement is that "tools are useful."
I''ll give him that, but I''d like to know that I matter too and my happiness is worth something to him. (I did my part and found a ring for $2,000 I''d be contented with -- Still too much)

I''m in that questioning spot now. The size & price of the ring doesn''t matter to me. Just what it represents. But when I found that ring for $2,000 and it was just too expensive and he couldn''t afford it, I have to wonder. (projector $3,000; embroidery machine for daughter''s school project $2,000; speaker $1800; tools $3,000+ -- but a ring to represent our love and commitment for the rest of our lives is too much?)


Sorry for the long post. I am just attempting to show that this is an issue for many people. And each situation is different. The answer for each of us is different. Some of us are with kind, caring men who try hard to make us happy and are just very practical. Others are with men who don''t really care about their feelings. And others are with men who aren''t ready for marriage yet but feel they have to ask now.


I hope the original poster comes back, I''d like to know how she is doing and what happened.