I Need To Vent

[SuiteLady]

Things have been weird with the BF and me. He has expectations about my relationship with his daughter. He wants me to love her and be a mother type to her. She has a mother. I like her and I want the best for her. I love him therefore I will never mistreat her or harm her.

I think that our relationship will be one of mutual respect. In all honesty, I will be very happy with that because it could be worse. Overtime it may grow to be more, but right now all I am looking for is respect. I think that I am being very reasonable. I get the feeling that the BF expects to mix her and me with water and we will be a happy mother, father, and daughter. She has a mother…An involved mother who has custody. She may not be the type of mother that HE wants (someone like our mothers – selfless homemakers who put the children above their own needs), but she IS her mother.

He is trying to micromanage our relationship and ultimately it might not be the way that he envisions.

The pressure to conform to his vision of our relationship has me totally stressed out. It was all that I could think about. I was beginning to be resentful. It was affecting me and my interactions with him. I couldn’t possibly go into a new year with that on my mind, so on NYE I told him how I was feeling. He looked like I socked him in the stomach.

Ever since he has been distant and I know it is because of our conversation. So, he talked about his new year’s resolutions and it didn’t include any plans for our relationship. It really hurt my feelings.

I am pissed. I feel like I am supposed to conform to him and be understanding of his situation, but he can’t do the same for me. I have been gone back and forth with walking away from our relationship, but ultimately I know that I will be miserable.

 

[misskitty]

I am so sorry that you''re in this situation. *hugs*

 

[Italiahaircolor]

From reading your posting, I get the that you're very well spoken and also that you've put a lot of time and energy and thought into this topic.

I can imagine that it's very hard to walk into a ready made family and be expected to become motherly over night to child that isn't yours. While it's probably a natural result over time, building a loving bond (like with any relationship) takes time...and as you put it...its not an "add water" situation.

Not to mention the fact that this man is a BF, not your husband...investing love into a child that could be taken away is a gamble...and I think everyone has to respect the fact that you have the right to build a relationship over time at no rush.

Now, the flip side...for your BF, any relationship that he'll ever be in again will be 50/50 him and his daughter, they are a package deal. His heart, first and foremost, belongs to that little girl. And he has expectations for anyone *new*...meaning you....he wants things from you--just like in any relationship--but instead of wanting a "good cook" or "good listener" he wants a "good mother" for his daughter, and thats understandable, those are his priorities right now.

Ergo it's hard for a parent to understand how anyone could not look at their child the way they do...my best friend is very much that way when it comes to her little girl...we'll plan a day out, since we rarely see each other, and she'll (even without prior mention) start talking about stuff we'll do with/for K her daughter....and I always feel like "whoa, I didn't intend for this to be an open invite"...but thats her kid, thats all she cares about, and as her best friend, I have to respect that.

I offer big hugs and lots of support...and I think that you should *read* your BF your posting...sometime "shooting from the hip" on big emotional situations is hard, but you're well thoughtout on paper...

 

[cbs102]

suitelady,
I am now engaged to a man who has a daughter from a previous marriage. she is 4. when i met my Fi i was living in NJ and he in PA. i knew the minute we met that he had a child. however, because our relationship was long distance, i never really had to face it. i remember our first fight..the childs mother asked him to switch weekends with her and it happened to be a weekend that he was to come and visit me. i was furious and he said, she will always be my first responsibility.

after 7 months i met his daughter and we got along really well..but then again, i was able to go back to nj and live my carefree-childfree life. that stopped the minute i moved in with him. being a step parent is the hardest thing that i have ever done. she will never be your child.. you have to share your life and give up freedom for someone else''s child...not fun.

i moved in and was crying every day. until my fi sat down with me and we had a discussion. i made sure he knew that i am not her mother...she has one. and i will also not be 2nd priority. we have an agreement in our household that our relationship comes first because she needs to see a normal stable relationship...we feel that she will reep the benefits of our stable loving relationship...(i am also not talking about her basic needs coming second either so please don''t get me wrong).

we are now completely happy.. and now we ARE a complete family unit. i love his daughter and i love him. actually, we are about to take the mother to court for sole custody because she is a rotten parent.

i wish you the very best. this type of situation is so hard because bottom line..she is not your child. i wish you much peace.... but please, talk to your BF. if he loves you he will figure out a way to make EVERYONE in the situation comfortable.

 

[~*Alexis*~]

I am in the same boat as CBS.....

I have 2 step kids....

the only way that he will understand is if you lay it out there for him. She has a mom and thats never going to change. When she is at your house then she gets a mother FIGURE. Not another Mom.

Its not like you will treat her like crap or starve her or beat her, you are distancing yourself from getting hurt from a child who has no sense of what she could be saying is hurtful.

He needs to know that. You cannot take her place but you can be her FRIEND and STEP mother.

There is a difference, the sooner he see''s it the better of HE will be in the end. He has unrealistic expectations of ANY woman not just you, who would be caring for his child.

 

[LaraOnline]

Oh.
You sound to me like a very mature and thoughtful person.
Perhaps he was looking for an ''easy fix'' from you, in relation to the issues he has to solve in his life, particularly in relation to his daughter, and her perceived needs.

How is the girl? Is she well-adjusted and happy? If so, perhaps you can simply reassure him that in your view, his daughter seems to be progressing well, and that perhaps your own (suite lady''s) relationship with her will develop over time. Tell him that you would prefer not to push the girl, but have her come to you, in an organic way.

 

[Winks_Elf]

Oh, wow. This is a huge no-no on his part.

Your BF is in need of speaking to a counselor, and I am not saying that to be witchy by any means. The child has a mother. Him trying to force you and her together like a new family is not right, and I don''t know how old the little girl is, but it could really mess her up. You did the right thing by speaking up. I''m sorry that he doesn''t see the wisdom here.

 

[SuiteLady]

Thanks for the advice! It took a lot of time for me to come to grips with what I am feeling and even more time to communicate with him how I was feeling. I was feeling guilty because I always thought that I *should* have a maternal love for her. It was just too much.

Italia, we will discuss this issue more. We are both better readers than listeners. I will share this with him.

CBS – thank you for sharing your experience. I am happy to hear positive experiences about stepparenting. Evil stepmothers…Step Monsters…All of those stereotypes definitely don’t make the job sound appealing.

Alexis, you are right, he does have unrealistic expectations of any woman. He doesn’t know. I am the first “real” relationship that he has had since his divorce. He is a good boyfriend, but a sucky divorced father boyfriend. He needs to learn how to juggle those roles and expectations.

Lara, she is very well adjusted and appears to be very happy with her life. I think that he wants me to be a positive force in his daughter’s life.

Winks, I think that he is in need of a model for “appropriate” divorced father’s expectations and relationships. He is totally clueless.

 

[gwendolyn]

Suite Lady, I am sorry you are feeling this way. I have no firsthand experience with step-kids, so I can only imagine your situation.

You mentioned that you brought up your feelings about your relationship with his daughter on new year''s eve--is it possible that, to him, the topic came out of nowhere and maybe kind of killed any sort of party mood that might have been going on? Or had you previously been talking about the subject on that day and your comments were just sort of a follow-up to them? I am only asking because it might be possible that he is reacting not necessarily because of what you said (or not *just* because of what you said), but maybe due to when and how you said it? It might have seemed like a double blow to hear something he didn''t want to hear about you and his daughter (even though what you feel is perfectly reasonable), as well as hearing it on a holiday he may have been looking forward to? (Please feel free to totally disregard if the two of you don''t really celebrate new year''s eve--this is all wondering based on the assumption that you maybe had some special new year''s plans that might''ve felt spoiled to him by the conversation.)

I do think you are right to be sticking up for yourself and laying out your expectations. Hopefully with time he will realize that asking you (or anyone in your position) to literally become a second mother to his daughter is slightly unrealistic. Maybe it will naturally evolve that way, but it''s not something you decide to do or plan on--it would just happen.

Out of curiosity, is his daughter very young? You mention that the mother has custody, so I am guessing under 18? Just wondering, as the relationship the two of you have would obviously vary depending on her age and if she grows up with you or if she''s already done the majority of her growing up.

I wish you the best, my dear.

 

[SuiteLady]

Gwen, it wasn’t the holiday aspect of it. It was really about my feelings. I think it caught him by surprise. Then he had been going through some issues of what he perceives as “favoritism” towards other kids within his family. He is learning that nobody else has to feel obligated to feel a particular way about children.

I feel better today than I did yesterday. We talked it out. He understands my feelings. So, we continue on.

 

[Winks_Elf]

Well that''s good to hear.

 

[gwendolyn]

Date: 1/7/2009 12:14:40 PM
Author: SuiteLady

Gwen, it wasn’t the holiday aspect of it. It was really about my feelings. I think it caught him by surprise. Then he had been going through some issues of what he perceives as “favoritism” towards other kids within his family. He is learning that nobody else has to feel obligated to feel a particular way about children.

I feel better today than I did yesterday. We talked it out. He understands my feelings. So, we continue on.

Good, both that you are feeling better and that he is learning and understanding your feelings. I hope things continue to improve.

 

[~*Alexis*~]

thats good news to see!!

I will give you advice for the futue..... open communication is going to be best.

You can''t live without it. Don''t sugar coat it. Lay it out there for him to reflect on.

Good Luck!!

 

[LaraOnline]

He sounds like he has expectations of what ''womens'' work is.
I think he is lucky to have you, you sound very considered and grown up about everything.
If the child is happy, what more could he want? With love and time, I hope he turns out to be PERFECT!
Happy New Year, SL!