I have oblivious friends, LOL

[HappyNewLife]

I hope it's OK to still post this here since I'm not married and will probably be in fiancee-ville for another year or two. I won't graduate to planning a wedding for quite some time.

Anyway, I've been engaged since the end of June and have had my ring since August I think. I've worn my ring consistently every time we have gotten together with friends, as has my fiancee. NO ONE has noticed our rings and commented on them. We've handled our engagement very, very privately because of the situation we are in. A lot of our friends know my ex-H, who has done nothing but cause problems. And unfortunately, I live in a town that's much smaller than what you'd expect for a "capital city". We are at the point now where it doesn't matter if he finds out, but we've still not shouted from the rooftops that we're engaged, know what I mean? We have always enjoyed having our relationship be "just us" and obviously people know we are committed to one another, but we've been guarded with telling people our future plans.

Anyway, we decided that if they notice our rings, we will tell them the great news. But so far-- not a peep! I don't have the most blingiest bling, but it is a one carat diamond in a semi-bezel platinum setting. It's definitely not "costume" jewelry, you know? And my girl NEVER wears jewelry, so the fact that she's wearing a band with diamonds in it is also pretty noticeable!

So now it's become funny. Think anyone will ever notice?

Maybe it's just me, but I am ALWAYS looking at people's hands. I love jewelry and am definitely very aware of who is wearing what on their hands/neck/ears.

 

[maebelle]

I am also always looking at peoples hands! There is one girl who rides the elevator with me who has a ring that has a really interesting cathedral mount that I always try to get a good look at, she must think I'm nuts.

Your ring looks so... engaged! I love your simple semi-mount design and know that if I were your friend in real life I'd notice it in a second!

I don't think everyone knows exactly how to react to same-sex couples. Sometimes rings mean getting married. Sometimes, if you are in a state that doesn't allow it, long time partners get rings just to show their commitment. Since you haven't made an announcement, they may assume it is the later situation. I understand why you aren't, and thats too bad, but you might want to clue them in. Plus, your Ex-husband is going to have to find out sooner or later... its not like you are going to be secretly married.

Now if only we could get it so anyone in the whole US could get married to whoever they want, without having to go "state-hopping"!

 

[HappyNewLife]

I definitely agree with you on everything. My friends are SO nosey though. When I told them that we're having a garage sale, one girl immediately texted me to ask if we are moving in together. This same woman has not noticed the ring and we hang out together quite frequently, LOL. I just think it's funny.

 

[blacksand]

I honestly don't usually notice jewelry. I'm noticing engagement rings a lot more recently, because I'm currently looking for one for myself, but when I was in a different phase of my life (i.e. engagement not anywhere on the horizon), I never paid attention to people's rings at all. So I might not have noticed your rings, either, even though I've seen them both here on PS and they are lovely!

I know you're in a bit of a tricky situation and I can understand not wanting to shout your engagement from the rooftops, but if I can be completely honest, if I were your friend, I'd want to know, and I think I'd be a little hurt if I found out about your engagement months after the fact. I'm not saying this to make you feel bad, and I don't know the relationship between you, your friends, and your ex, so I can't say what's appropriate in your social circle (of course you know that best!). But I know if you were my friend, a) I might not notice the rings, and b) I'd definitely want to hear all about your engagement. I'd hope you would tell me!

In any case, glad to see you back in LIW and glad things continue to go well for you. Don't be a stranger.

 

[iota15]

I honestly don't usually notice jewelry. I'm noticing engagement rings a lot more recently, because I'm currently looking for one for myself, but when I was in a different phase of my life (i.e. engagement not anywhere on the horizon), I never paid attention to people's rings at all. So I might not have noticed your rings, either, even though I've seen them both here on PS and they are lovely!

I know you're in a bit of a tricky situation and I can understand not wanting to shout your engagement from the rooftops, but if I can be completely honest, if I were your friend, I'd want to know, and I think I'd be a little hurt if I found out about your engagement months after the fact. I'm not saying this to make you feel bad, and I don't know the relationship between you, your friends, and your ex, so I can't say what's appropriate in your social circle (of course you know that best!). But I know if you were my friend, a) I might not notice the rings, and b) I'd definitely want to hear all about your engagement. I'd hope you would tell me!

In any case, glad to see you back in LIW and glad things continue to go well for you. Don't be a stranger.

Yup. Completely agree. Most people are not taking stock of events in your life by watching what you are wearing. Rather, they trust their friends to tell them about important things that happen.

Why on earth are you only telling friends who notice? If they never notice, are you never going to tell them? What if only some notice? Shouldn't your policy be to either tell all or tell none, if there are other factors at play - not based on whether they notice certain jewelry placements. Regardless, whatever the reasons you have behind this strange policy, as a good friend, I would be SERIOUSLY HURT to be left out of an important event in your life. Tell them already, for crying out loud. You obviously want to.

You can't chastize your friends for failing to notice what is still a small object on your hand (they're obviously not PS'ers or LIWs because of course, we'd notice right away). However, YOU could be chastized for having such huge news and not passing it along! So tell them already before the discussion goes from excited (yay engagement!) to ackward (um... so you've been engaged for months now?). It's not THEIR fault YOU are not telling them.

 

[HappyNewLife]

sorry ladies, I didn't mean to sound so selfish. It was supposed to be light-hearted. To go into the history of the people who are in my circle of friends (and also my exes', as these girls are the wives of his ex-coworkers) would take a long time. There are numerous people who know that we are engaged, but I just meant a few people haven't noticed-- these are people that either 1. gossip or 2. are going through a difficult time (divorce) and I have been hesitant to be all ME ME ME. I will tell them all in due time. I apologize if I came off as a big jerk.

 

[iota15]

I'm sorry, HNL. You didn't sound like a big jerk. I'm sorry to make you feel that way.

Since these aren't good friends, you're right - let them figure it out on their own time. I just thought they were friends but they sound more like acquaintances.

 

[Haven]

Just to offer a different perspective:

If I noticed that a friend was wearing an engagement ring but she hadn't yet breathed a word about her engagement to me, I wouldn't say anything. (Assuming, of course, that we aren't close friends.) I typically don't like to pry into people's lives, and I'd only comment on an engagement ring on the hand of one of my very close friends. It sounds like these people who haven't said anything aren't close friends of yours, and in that situation I wouldn't have said anything. They may have noticed your ring, but prefer to respect your (what seems like obvious) desire not to talk about it.

If these people are just acquaintances of yours, or friends that aren't super close to you, then I wouldn't be at all surprised that they haven't said anything.

 

[monarch64]

What Haven said.

And...I have not had the experience of seeing a same-sex engagement, unannounced, with rings. I would honestly have no idea how to react as a straight person...I would take great pains not to say anything that could be offensive to either part of the couple! I have no idea what to think about your friends who have known about the relationship. Could it be that they are just unsure of how to respond?

I am all for the overall legalization of same sex marriage in the U.S. (and everywhere), but to be very straightforward, it is something new and there aren't necessarily social protocols set in place on how to go about dealing with friendships, relationships, engagements, marriages, or children born from these relationships or marriages. I think we are all learning as we go.

I'm sure you get tired of providing insight, but can you please state here (to help us straight souls who know no better) how you would like to be approached or treated?

 

[Indylady]

Just to offer a different perspective:

If I noticed that a friend was wearing an engagement ring but she hadn't yet breathed a word about her engagement to me, I wouldn't say anything. (Assuming, of course, that we aren't close friends.) I typically don't like to pry into people's lives, and I'd only comment on an engagement ring on the hand of one of my very close friends. It sounds like these people who haven't said anything aren't close friends of yours, and in that situation I wouldn't have said anything. They may have noticed your ring, but prefer to respect your (what seems like obvious) desire not to talk about it.

If these people are just acquaintances of yours, or friends that aren't super close to you, then I wouldn't be at all surprised that they haven't said anything.

Same.

 

[HappyNewLife]

My personal vote is to be treated like anyone else who was ever engaged. I realize though that I haven't behaved like a normal engaged person, so don't go by me

 

[wakingdreams53]

My personal vote is to be treated like anyone else who was ever engaged. I realize though that I haven't behaved like a normal engaged person, so don't go by me

I'm going to go against the grain here, but WOOT! You're engaged and you're happy! I don't think anyone else should matter. If these acquantinces are going through a tough time, perhaps they won't be self-centered and they'll partake in your happiness, instead of being bitter. I'm sure the ex-husband deal doesn't make things easier. But you've changed, your life has changed, and now you're embarking on a whole new journey. If these are people you associate with, I'd share the news within 2 months of engagement if they haven't noticed your gorgeous new rings. If they're complete strangers, then whatever. But personally, I'd be shouting it from roof tops, especially after everything it seems you've gone through-- you deserve to be deliriously happy!

- Just my $0.02

P.S.
I don't think I ever formally congratulated you! Congratulations on your engagement!!!

 

[Guilty Pleasure]

An acquaintance who used to be married to a man, has started dating women, and is now wearing a beautiful ring that I may or may not notice? And for all I know, that is her old ring (from her marriage) and she is just wearing it because it is pretty? I don't think I would say anything either as a person who was not close to you. Unless you brought up your happy news, I would not assume that you were definitely engaged (vs. other options such as committed or wearing a ring you bought yourself or wearing your old ring) and would not risk being rude or putting you in an awkward position to have to explain yourself. I also don't congratulate people on unannounced pregnancies unless that baby is on its way out!

If you want acquaintances to congratulate you, you should announce your news, regardless of what that news is. Otherwise, be glad that you have people around you that are not nosy and forward!

Congratulations on your engagement

 

[bee*]

Just to offer a different perspective:

If I noticed that a friend was wearing an engagement ring but she hadn't yet breathed a word about her engagement to me, I wouldn't say anything. (Assuming, of course, that we aren't close friends.) I typically don't like to pry into people's lives, and I'd only comment on an engagement ring on the hand of one of my very close friends. It sounds like these people who haven't said anything aren't close friends of yours, and in that situation I wouldn't have said anything. They may have noticed your ring, but prefer to respect your (what seems like obvious) desire not to talk about it.

If these people are just acquaintances of yours, or friends that aren't super close to you, then I wouldn't be at all surprised that they haven't said anything.

This is what I thought as well. If someone I know was wearing a ring on that finger but didn't mention an engagement, I wouldn't comment at all as I would presume you didn't want to speak about it or that you weren't engaged. If you want them to know, then tell them.

 

[swingirl]

It's like when someone has a fat belly but you don't want to ask if they are pregnant because they might NOT be.

I wouldn't ask if someone is engaged if they hadn't announced it. Jewelry is just jewelry and only has a special meaning if you, the wearer, give it a meaning.

Engagements for same sex couples is a rather new development although commitment rings have been around for a long time. Are you able to legally get married in your state/country?

 

[damons]

Hey Happynewlife!! I hope all is well with you and your fiancee.

Like you, I always notice peoples' hands...but that didn't happen until I started ring shopping for my fiancee. Before I had any interest in rings, I never noticed. In fact, yesterday I got in the elevator with a couple that lives in my building. I see them all the time and met them over 2 years ago when I moved in. Yesterday, I noticed they were wearing wedding rings (the girl had an engagement ring too) and I said "You got married! Congratulations!." They told me that they have been married for 5 years. Then we all laughed about it. I guess I just never noticed the rings before.

My point is, it's possible that your friends just don't notice because they are not looking for it. It's also possible that they are waiting for you to say something. I completely understand that you want to be treated like any other engaged couple. I just think that most engaged couples announce it to their friends.

My partner started telling people right away, but that's mostly because they notice her ring. I don't wear a ring, so I didn't start telling people until we picked a wedding date. One thing that I realized is that as soon as you tell people you are engaged, they want to know the day of your wedding. Be prepared for that

 

[gemma.in.waiting]

Hi there!

It's hard for me to imagine people not asking you about it. I wouldn't think I was being nosy to ask about something that you are wearing for the whole world to see. I have a big mouth, though, so when I see something obvious (like a ring), I usually see that as fair game.

I agree with some of the other posters in that maybe the people that haven't said anything just over think the situation and don't know how to respond...even though the normal engagement response would be appropriate

One of best friends is quite oblivious, too, though, so that could be the case as well. A few years ago I went through a phase of getting things pierced, , and she did not say a word when I came over with my lower lip pierced. I asked her about it later, and she honestly did not know what I was talking about.