I hate my brother''s girlfriend?

[CNOS128]

So, I''m not sure if this is the right forum to post this, but it is about family! And the terrible choices family members make.

My older brother is a great guy - very smart, successful, loyal, kind, blah blah blah. But he makes horrendous choices when it come to relationships. He''s never casually dated (fine, whatever) - but seems to jump into long term relationships with the worst women!

His current girlfriend is always picking fights with him, and the way she fights and the things she says to him are really mean. She doesn''t get along with anyone in my family, or even make the slightest effort to get to know us. She doesn''t even really get along with her own family. Plus, she''s very pushy and demanding, and expects my brother (and everyone else) to cater to her. There''s much more - and worse - that I don''t feel I can share on a public message board. But suffice it to say that ever since their relationship became serious, my brother just seems so sad all the time.

I really want to tell my brother that he deserves better, but he insists he''s in love with this woman. It''s getting really hard to be supportive, through all their break-ups and reconciliations, and all the obnoxious things she does.

Has anyone been in this situation? Do you have advice as to how honest I should be with my brother, without injuring my own relationship with him?

Thanks in advance!

 

[Hudson_Hawk]

I would do your best to keep your relationship with your brother separate from your relationship with his gf or their relationship. Maybe pull him aside and say "bro i''ve noticed that you seem blue a lot lately. Is everything OK?" Don''t mention the gf at all.

If things progress towards the altar with them I would have a sit down talk with him before the wedding and confirm that it''s what he really wants to do. Let him know that it''s OK if he doesn''t want to get married, and regardless of how close it is to the vows, it''s never too late to get out of it...

 

[Erin]

Date: 3/6/2009 9:54:32 AM
Author: Hudson_Hawk
I would do your best to keep your relationship with your brother separate from your relationship with his gf or their relationship. Maybe pull him aside and say ''bro i''ve noticed that you seem blue a lot lately. Is everything OK?'' Don''t mention the gf at all.

I think this is good advice.
My brother''s girlfriend answers the phone all the time and you know, sometimes I just want to talk to him instead of being on speakerphone with both of them. They are so we-we-we are one, that I feel like he''s losing being a couple and not a two-headed person. It''s difficult to bring up topics about a sibling''s mate. In a committed relationship it''s their job to defend and honor their mate. Sometimes people get defensive because they know they''re worried they made a bad choice and are defending themselves and not the actual girlfriend.

When you boil it down you are worried about your brother being sad. Although you may think you know the root of it, stick the problem and let him be the one to say, My girlfriend is mean.

 

[Pandora II]

You have my sympathy - my brother is marrying a girl that neither I nor my two sisters like in the least.

Fortunately my first baby is due 2 days before their wedding and so I won''t be able to go - I don''t think I could bear to actually watch.

I honestly don''t think there is anything you can do. I told my brother exactly what I think of his future wife - he did listen, but he says he''s happy. I don''t think he is - and my husband who very rarely dislikes anyone thinks she is ghastly as well.

My brother and I used to see each other every few weeks and talk most days - I haven''t seen him since the end of July and we only talk a lot because he''s helping me out with some legal stuff. If I ring their house and she answers, she always says that he''s busy and then gets annoyed when he says that he does want to talk to me.

Ughh, I really feel for you...

 

[sba771]

I know how you feel. My bro has been with his gf for 5+ years! and I see what she does to him and it makes my heart break. I have spoken up, but what I have learned is he may end up with her forever so it is best that I keep my opinion to myself because he could hold it against me in the future. That is why you can come here and vent to us without worrying and we will probably agree with you 100%!

 

[CNOS128]

Thanks for responding!

Hudson Hawk: The thing is, usually when my brother seems most miserable and I talk to him about what''s going on, he''ll tell me that he and the GF are fighting (again). He''s aware of the fact that they argue too much, and when he''s mad at her, he''s even told me how nasty she can be to him. But then it''s like she apologizes and tells him she loves him and he forgets all about the past!
But you''re probably right; nothing I say to him about her will really make any difference, and it''s better for me to maintain my good relationship with him. They do talk about marriage, and there''s a lot complicating that issue (I won''t get into it right now), but he''s basically ready to marry her. My parents have said they won''t attend the wedding. Maybe I should try to convince him to get out now while he still can?

Starset: You''re so right - he totally defends her, but that''s what people do when they''re in love. I''d want my partner to defend me, too. I''m worried both about him being sad, and about forming a life with this woman and being miserable -- or finding himself in a place where he regrets marrying her someday. When they''ve been fighting or briefly broken up, he has told me "My girlfriend is mean" and that makes it so much more frustrating that he stays with her! The last time this happened I kind of told him I agreed, and that this wasn''t a normal part of a relationship and that he didn''t have to put up with it. But I didn''t go overboard because I was pretty sure they''d reconcile, which they did.

Aw, thanks Pandora, you have my sympathy as well. I feel like (actually, i''m certain) if my brother marries this woman, my friendship with him will suffer. He probably needs to come to that realization on his own and really decide what he wants.

Thanks sba - it seems this is a pretty common situation! I definitely don''t want to say anything that he (or she) could hold against me someday; it''s SO HARD to keep it all in! I wish I could properly vent and tell all of you the whole situation, and the things she says and does, but I''m afraid of posting that in such a public forum!! Still it''s great to have PS support.

 

[FrekeChild]

Wow. That really sucks. It kind of reminds me of one of my best friend's and a horrible relationship he was in a while back. He's probably the most pigheaded/loyal person I've ever known, and this relationship nearly caused our then 8 year friendship to break. He'd say how they were fighting and she was mad at him, and I'd of course (being the brutally honest person I am) say how she's stupid and they need to break up because he's never happy anymore, and he'd give me that look like, "I know that what you said has some truth in it, but I'm not ready to take that step yet." This relationship went on for a year, and it was pretty much a year of the same conversation between him and I.

She ended up cheating on him with a couple of guys, starting a new long distance relationship with someone on the East Coast, and dumping him on his @$$ when he found out about it.

Very sad. But I didn't have to say the dreaded "I told you so." When I went to pick him up as soon as I found out, he said, "You told me and I didn't listen because I didn't want to admit it. Thank you for being honest with me even when I didn't want to hear it. My other BFF always told me how stupid I was for complaining about such a hot chick."

LMAO.

Anyway, TheBigT, I'd just listen. And vent to musey. Because you guys are in very similar situations...

 

[Haven]

All the people I''ve known in these types of relationships were unable to see the truth of the situation until they themselves decided that they deserved better. No amount of talking, pleading, coercing, or crying ever worked, in my experience. I think a person has to realize "Hey. I deserve better than this, and I''m done with this person" before they are able to move on and seek a healthy relationship. How do they get to that place? I have no idea, but I''m hoping a trained psychologist may chime in.

Until then, all you can do is be a good sister, and support him.

Good luck. I''m sorry you have to see your brother in such a bad position.

 

[vespergirl]

Date: 3/6/2009 9:45:49 AM
Author:TheBigT
So, I''m not sure if this is the right forum to post this, but it is about family! And the terrible choices family members make.

My older brother is a great guy - very smart, successful, loyal, kind, blah blah blah. But he makes horrendous choices when it come to relationships. He''s never casually dated (fine, whatever) - but seems to jump into long term relationships with the worst women!

His current girlfriend is always picking fights with him, and the way she fights and the things she says to him are really mean. She doesn''t get along with anyone in my family, or even make the slightest effort to get to know us. She doesn''t even really get along with her own family. Plus, she''s very pushy and demanding, and expects my brother (and everyone else) to cater to her. There''s much more - and worse - that I don''t feel I can share on a public message board. But suffice it to say that ever since their relationship became serious, my brother just seems so sad all the time.

I really want to tell my brother that he deserves better, but he insists he''s in love with this woman. It''s getting really hard to be supportive, through all their break-ups and reconciliations, and all the obnoxious things she does.

Has anyone been in this situation? Do you have advice as to how honest I should be with my brother, without injuring my own relationship with him?

Thanks in advance!

Yes, I have been in this situation, and now my brother has been married to the woman for over 11 years

They knew each other through work for years but didn''t like each other (both worked for my dad). Then, when her Work Visa was set to expire she cozied up tp my brother, and after 3 months of dating they had a quickie wedding just in time for her to get her Green Card so she wouldn''t be deported. They seemed happy enough for a while, but once they had a child, they fought all the time, and were very unhappy. She has also physically attacked my brother (there were scratches on his face more than once). My brother was also totally miserable, and turned into a totally different person.

Eventually, she cheated on him, and he took their baby to stay with my parents for a month, but then he went back to her. He had a retaliation affair, but then they decided to get counseling and try to stay together for the sake of the child.

Their relationship is still rocky, and they still fight all the time, but insist that they want to make things work. It''s very sad because my nephew has become a very sad little boy, since his parents'' constant fighting is really affecting him. It really pisses me off, because we were raised in a home with parents who fought all the time but refused to divorce. I guess that''s all my brother knows, so he has decided to stay in the marriage, but it''s really depressing to see how it''s negatively effecting his little boy.

If there''s any way to try to stop their relationship from going forward, do it. You and your parents should not initiate those conversations though - it will just alienate him from you. Talk to his friends, and see if they can talk some sense into him. Good luck.

 

[CNOS128]

Thanks, Freke! I can only hope that my brother will figure it all out before she cheats on him or someone gets hurt another way. I think you give sound advice, like, pretty much all the time!

Haven, that''s exactly right - he needs to get there himself (permanently). It''s so weird how he can break up with her (for 2 days), and tell me he knows she''s not a nice person and she''s not being fair to him, but then go back to her. It does seem that the missing piece is that he doesn''t think he deserves/will find someone who treats him better. He also seems to believe if he works hard enough at the relationship, he can "make it work." Ugh! I have thought about telling him to go to therapy (actually, I did, last time they broke up), but he didn''t go. They''ve been to couples counseling, but quit after a few sessions. Maybe I''ll bring up the idea again.

Vespergirl, thank you for sharing your story with me! I''m so sorry about your brother''s situation - I can totally see something like that happening to my own brother. And I agree that my parents and I shouldn''t start those conversations - sometimes I think their disapproval actually has the opposite effect of encouraging the relationship (in a weird, rebellious sort of way).

Thanks again for your support, pricescopers!

 

[Sha]

I would have a heart-to-heart with him about my concerns, if you haven't yet, citing the specific things that concern you about their relationship (not just, "I don't like your girlfriend", you know?. I don't think I could bear to see my brother throw his future away with a girlfriend like that. He might not be able to see some of the issues because he's so deep into the relationship already - and it may help to someone external to the relationship point them out. I think waiting till they're engaged might be way too late to speak up...

 

[FrekeChild]

Date: 3/6/2009 6:13:31 PM
Author: TheBigT
Thanks, Freke! I can only hope that my brother will figure it all out before she cheats on him or someone gets hurt another way. I think you give sound advice, like, pretty much all the time!

Thanks again for your support, pricescopers!

Well that''s refreshing to hear!

I certainly don''t give out advice for my own health.

I''m sorry you''re having to watch that. It''s so difficult to sit by and see someone unhappy, and yet you can''t do anything about it, because they won''t listen and/or you don''t want to hurt your relationship with them. I think it''s just one of those things that needs to die its own death, and the person (in this case, your bro) needs to figure it out on their own.

It really really sucks that he keeps going back to her though, and that he won''t go to counseling.

If you ever need to vent, we are here for you. I''m good at commiserating.

 

[cellososweet]

You''ve been given really great advice and I feel for you. My brother has always dated the stupidest women (well, girls really, they are mentally young. All of them).

My $0.02 would be that whatever you do, don''t push. At all. Don''t say anything unless asked that directly relates to her and even if asked, keep the conversation about him (I''ve noticed that you have been more upset since you have been in this relationship and it worries me; I think that yes, sometimes your gf can be aggressive and I worry that this is hurting you). Don''t go off and say that she''s a b*tch. You run the risk of him trying to stay with her and make it work to prove everyone (and his own internal thoughts about the relationship) wrong.

Good luck! Why are brother''s so special sometimes? I know mine is.

 

[CNOS128]

Thank you for your advice, Sha! It''s a good point that once they''re engaged it will be a lot harder to change anything. (Speaking of which, I also think that because he''s my big brother and I''m getting married first, he feels a little bit of pressure to get married sooner... yikes!)

Thanks again, Freke, you ARE good at commiserating! It''s good to know you''re hear to vent to!!

Cellosweet, you know something - my brother''s GF is my age, but she acts SO young. I think that has a lot to do with her inability to have a functional relationship (that, and the fact that she''s totally self-centered). Thanks for your advice!!