I don''t understand...

[Kitiaral]

I love my boyfriend dearly. I would marry him this second if I could. Ring or no ring. And I know he loves me. But he confuses me so much. He has no problem talking about having kids or buying a house together, but doesn''t talk about engagement or marriage. When I ask him, he just says that those things are a "given". He even mentioned he wouldn''t mind if I got pregnant while we were engaged, or even if we weren''t! It just seems to me like he doesn''t understand (or care about) what a marriage represents.

He is a good, moral, trustworthy man. He is very mature and I am so happy with him. But lately I can''t get over that even when I bring up marriage he has nothing to say. Literally. But if I bring up a big house or having children, he is so interested. What do you think?

 

[LtlFirecracker]

I don''t know. My BF is kind of the same way. He will talk about the future. Kids and all that stuff. And he will use the words us. But he dose not want to talk about engagement or marriage, other than he realizes that I would like to be engaged b/f I move in with him.

My only thought is that he does not want to fell pushed into it. And that talking about it is taken as being pushy about the whole subject. That is the feeling I have gotten when I have bought up the topic. Maybe your BF feels the same way.

 

[babygirl]

Hmmm... I don''t necessarily think that''s a bad thing. The fact that he''s essentially willing to talk about your future marriage (house/life together, babies) suggests that he wants the same things you do, which is great! I''m not sure how long you''ve been together, but maybe it''s just taking him a little longer to get used to the idea of marriage than it took you?

My boyfriend did something similar when we first started discussing the issue. He practically had all of our children named and where he wanted us to live post-wedding but when I tried to bring up an actual engagement (I mean duh-not exactly out of left field here), he''d say "oh don''t worry about it" and clam up. Obviously I thought he was being an idiot until I finally coaxed out of him that he was really nervous about the whole concept of marriage. I, on the other hand, would have married him yesterday, so it really, really bugged me (I thought it was me he was nervous about, was worried marriage wasn''t as important to him as it was to me, etc, etc). So I decided to temporarily drop my line of questioning re: engagement and go along with his little visions of our future. It wasn''t but a few months after I''d stopped asking him about it that he started bringing up engagement/rings/etc on his own. I couldn''t tell you what changed with him internally, I just know that it took time (really not all that long, but longer, at least, than I thought it would/should).

I know that every situation is different.. but I think your boyfriend may just need a little time before he can talk freely about an engagement. He''s already most of the way there in discussing everything else with you so it sounds like the lines of communication are open. The next time he brings up a house/kids/future, I''d suggest at least mentioning to him that you''re upset about his unwillingness to talk engagement.. you don''t need to start planning a wedding tomorrow or anything but I''d at least try to make sure you both see a wedding in the future.. maybe his response will give you something more to go on. (Keep in mind that guys are completely clueless- he might not even know that this is bothering you). Hope this helps & good luck!

 

[LeggoMyEggo]

Kitiaral,

I feel for you, really. I think a lot of us have been in a similar position at some point, though the reasons why men react this way are as different as the men themselves. There could be a lot of factors influencing his thinking about these things. Let me offer a few questions to think about:

How long have you been together, and how old are you?
It''s often easier for men to envision the sorts of things they''d like in their future (a house, a family) than to envision the means of achieving those things. Younger men especially tend to want to focus on their careers and worry about the details of the rest later. If you have been together less than a year, it may be that he isn''t ready to seriously think about doing anything about marriage yet, even if he intends to one day.

What exactly does marriage represent?
You''re feeling hurt and frustrated that he doesn''t show an appreciation of the meaning of marriage-- are you sure you are in agreement over what marriage means? Perhaps you could have a conversation with him about what marriage means to you both, maybe leading into it by talking about your parents'' marriages or those of people with whom you have close relationships. He might open up a bit and tell you more of what he hopes for and fears.

What would it mean if your visions of what marriage represents are vastly different?
If he believes marriage is a piece of paper and nothing more, or he doesn''t believe it''s really necessary at all, how would you feel? Would you feel comfortable marrying him despite his different take on it, as long as you''re happy together?


I truly hope things get better, but in the meantime you can always lean on us for support. Hang in there!

 

[Kitiaral]

All of your answers are great ladies! I appreciate the time and effort that you put into them. I do feel better. Why do guys have to be so hard to figure out? He has it so easy. I always tell him exactly what is on my mind. He never has to figure me out. But when I ask him stuff he can''t answer. I have myself convinced that I''m just not "the one" for him and I should move on. But I love him so much, and we have a lot of fun together. Thanks for your help!

 

[LeggoMyEggo]

Kiti,

I went back and read your introductory post, and I think I understand your situation a little bit better. I should have done that first-- so sorry!

So you''re 27, and you just moved in with him this month... give the man some time! He probably wants to bask in the joy of having you living with him full-time. He''s probably thinking about how you have taken a major step together in your relationship, but (understandably) you are looking toward the next step.

You mentioned that you won''t be engaged for another year, which makes me think you guys have had some sort of conversation about a timeline. Did you do this before you moved in, or after? How was that conversation received? With a timeline that far off, he could perceive any talk of marriage as pressure at this point.

Only you know the whole story, but my $0.02 -- lay off the engagement/marriage/babies/big houses talk completely for a few months and enjoy your new townhouse and the new closeness with your boyfriend.

 

[Kitiaral]

You are right Eggo. We did not discuss a timeline until AFTER I moved in and that was my mistake. I had this totally different idea in my head and I was so confidant. I can be a little unrealistic at times. So I guess now that I got a reality check I am freaking out. Had we discussed a timeline before I would not have moved in with him. You are so strong for not moving in with your boyfriend and waiting for engagement.

I just had myself convinced that we were in this whirlwind courtship. Believe it or not, in the other aspects of my life I am not like that...naive. I''m a critical care nurse full time and was supporting myself and everything. I don''t make rash decisions or do things just to do them. But I''m a fool when I fall in love and there is no helping me. I didn''t handle this well. But you are right. At least I have a wonderful man who loves me and we are young. And I should just be happy to be having so much fun. I guess since I hope so much for a future with him, I want to know that he feels the same. But I know that guys work different. Thank you for your tough love. I just have to learn from my mistakes.

 

[LeggoMyEggo]

I''m so sorry to have come across so harshly, Kitiaral. I would not call you naive or foolish at all-- just in love. And honestly, if we''re not in love enough to lose our best judgment once in a while, what kind of love is that, really? I''m not laying any blame on you at all!

I think it makes sense that you thought that, given his talk of houses and children and his asking you to move in, engagement was imminent as well. That''s a logical conclusion from a woman''s perspective, but not necessarily a man''s. I''m glad you let him know this is a life goal of yours, because that''s an important part of who you are!

I want to make sure I was clear about one thing though-- I''m not telling you to sacrifice something you believe in (marriage and family) and stay indefinitely "enjoying the moment" with a guy who may or may not ever make marriage and family a priority. I''m just saying that he may need to adjust to living together before you guys will be able to figure out together whether or not marriage is the right step for you as individuals. Maybe after your anniversary has passed would be a good time to talk about it?

Lots of love to you, dear-- stay strong, and never lose yourself! You are Kitiaral.

 

[EyeElle]

I wouldn''t worry to much about it.

I think he is well aware of how much work and stress and trouble a wedding can be an maybe he just doesn''t want to think about that right now, and get right into the good stuff that a marriage brings ... like having your own house filled with children.

Clearly he sees a future with you and wants that, he is a guy after all and they just aren''t preoccupied with getting a ring and planning a wedding etc.

A friend of mine is in the process of picking a ring and proposing to his gf, and I asked him if he is excited to have the ring soon and all nervous about proposing, and he just said a simple "No" ... thats it. And I know how much he loves her and wants to be with her, but to him (and probably to other guys) there is no big emotional component attatched to an engagement ... its only the marriage!!!

 

[Kitiaral]

Thanks for the replies ladies. I just needed some perspective and that''s exactly what you gave me. I appreciate your wonderful advice!

 

[jcarlylew82]

E was the same way. it was easy to imagine (for him) all of that happening because he liked the idea. but he did say taking the actual action of it, was a bit scary.

its like talking about skydiving(or a thrilling adventure of some sort)- you know the end result will be amazing, fun, etc. its just the jumping out of the plane that gets scary to do.