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I am worried..

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little_birdie

Rough_Rock
Joined
Sep 8, 2013
Messages
98
My partner said he is going to look at stones tomorrow.
This is his selection criteria: Cost

Basically the SA said to him at his first visit 'how much would you like to spend on the stone?'
'roughly $_ '
'ok we'll order some stones in that price range for you to see'-no other details on the stone discussed aside from shape

I asked him if he knew what qualities he was looking for. 'oh um. a nice pretty stone' :eek:
So I asked him whether it would help if I ran through basics with him on what to look for.

'so..do you know what specific qualities that means and the range that you want from that?'
'well, it all is cost dependent'
'well yes, but carat comes last to me, so that's really the only quality that is truly limited by price'
'ok'
'so..do you know what you're looking for?'
'a nice clarity'
'and what does that mean?'
'well, the sales lady will tell me..'

He told me he'd researched months ago and he was just going to see what the lady says and try and remember some numbers (This is his THIRD visit there, he looked at stones last week and could not say anything about them other than 'they looked pretty but I'm worried they'll be too big on your fingers so we'll look at something smaller).

I wish I could say this is all him pretending and he's actually going to surprise me with the real knowledge and research that he HAS done..but..I know my boy and he doesn't lie to me even to surprise me. So he genuinely thinks he'll go with what the SA at the store tells him tomorrow.

In the end I just said 'Cut is the most important to me, I don't care if it's a small stone, I don't want anything too low in colour so preferably nothing lower than H, and I dont want to see any inclusions-I want something that is still good on low power microscopy'

I am terrified he'll blow our budget on something subpar. I don't mind him spending less for something that's decent even if it is small..but if he comes back with a poor quality stone I think deep down I would be very sad as I'm not one who ever wants to update my stone and feel like I should stick with what he's purchased me.

I'm not asking for advice, maybe just support and reassurance that it'll be ok..
 
I am sorry to say that, based on your guy's lack of knowledge and the poor communication you describe, you have good reason to worry about the stone he selects. Therefore, I am not in a position to provide the support or reassurance that you seek. Instead, I am going to offer you advice even though you said you are not asking for it.

After reading your exchange with BF, I didn't even understand what he should look for other than you'd be happy with a small stone of a certain shape with color H or above. You said, "So I asked him whether it would help if I ran through basics with him on what to look for." Then, rather than explaining diamond selection criteria to him and how each criteria affects price (the criteria important to him), you just asked a bunch of questions to which he did not know the answers. He said he'd look for nice clarity, you established he doesn't know what that means and would rely on an SA who may not be knowledgeable. You said you'd be happy with an H or above, but didn't explain what color means, what is higher or lower than H, how it affects cost, and what on the high end isn't important to you. Can you really tell the difference between D and E, E and F, F and G, G and H? If not, he needn't go higher than an H. Can you tell the difference between H or I, I or J? If not as to the last, he really needn't spend money for higher than J. You mentioned inclusions, but not how inclusions are rated or how he would know if something was in your realm of desirable vis a vis inclusions. What level on the clarity scale is eye-clean to you? FL, IF, VVS1, VVS2, VS1, VS2, SI1, SI2? Whatever the lowest is, BF need not pay for better, and the money in the budget could be used for better cut. You said cut is the most important to you, but not how to determine whether a certain cut is desirable to you. Excellent? Very Good? Good? Instead of providing specifics about a range of what you'd like in each category of diamond selection (which he or you can write down for him to convey to the SA) you provided meaningless generalities.

The poor communication leads me to believe neither of you know what you're talking about / you don't know what you want or you are afraid to talk to your guy about stone / e-ring selection. The former is possible because your scant posting history reveals that you started looking at rings only a few months ago and didn't know what you wanted. If the former, I suggest you tell BF that you would like to learn more about diamond selection criteria together so you can get the best deal. As a married couple, and even an engaged couple, you will have to make educated financial decisions and compromises together. Might as well start now. Speaking from experience, it's actually fun to learn about things such as diamonds together. After learning more, choose the stone together or provide him with parameters of your desirable stone. Given his main selection criteria of cost, you might also want to introduce him to the concept and benefits of purchasing online rather than at a brick and mortar store.

The latter is also possible since you previously said that after he raised the ring subject last fall, you couldn't bring it up again because he said he didn't want to talk about it anymore. If the latter, I suggest you and BF seriously work on your communication skills before even thinking further about getting engaged. In marriage, you are going to have to face many conversations that are harder than ring selection.

Well, we have obviously come to find that, contrary to what he previously said, BF is willing to talk more about the e-ring. Since he recently opened the door again, you should continue the conversation if you are worried. Provide details rather than generalities and hints. It's as if you are waiting for a little birdie to tell him. You should be the little birdie you claim to be and tell him yourself.

Here's my support and reassurance. I support direct communication and reassure you that you are capable of it.

Good luck, keep us posted and let us know if we can help with selection.
 
My advice, write down what you want and tell him to give it to the SA. Hopefully he follows through and they help him find something beautiful that's in the price range and you'll love!

Stress how important it is to you and that he could easily be mislead if he doesn't go in with some knowledge and a good understanding of what it is he wants to leave the store with.
 
Thank you for the advice mary poppins.

I guess I was afraid to intervene with him excessively and give him specifics because he'd initially said he was going to do it himself and would get a little huffy with me when I tried to direct him-I'm known for being a control freak and trying very hard not to interfere this time because he wanted to do this himself and I was scared that if I gave too much direction he wouldn't feel like he got to make any decisions.

In my heart I know I want the following specifics: very good cut, D-H colour and clarity VS2 at the lowest.

I'd directed him to pricescope months ago and recently, hoping he would do the research himself (I wasn't meant to be looking into diamonds or e-rings at all). The questions I asked him was when I was trying to ascertain whether he had done any research himself and I guess when I realised he didn't have much idea himself I got very worried but I was still hesitant to give specs hence my very vague general answer. All the presents -birthdays and christmas that he usually gets me are things that I had showed him in the past and basically said 'i'd like you to get me this, or this' which he then purchases the day of my birthday or the day before Christmas so he hasn't had to really choose anything for me before and he's a real last minute shopper. From what he said to me previously, he'd really wanted to do the choosing for this because it was significant to him.

I have on occasion actually shown him links to diamonds within the specs I liked and within his budget from james allen and blue nile but I don't think he really considered them. I told him once about Brian Gavin and that they could find a stone for him if he contacted them and he said 'little_birdie, I'm doing this. Just leave it to me, it'll be fine. Stop researching!'. He's said that he won't be considering purchasing online because he wants to see the stone and setting in person first. I would relax if I knew he were researching..but I really don't think he has. He told me recently his friend told him about the '5 Cs' but he could only count 3..

You're right, I think I'll just text him with the spec range before he goes to the store this afternoon (we live long distance).

ETA: I just texted him what I was hoping for as mary poppin had pointed out, did not need to pay a premium for any higher than the minimum specs I listed for him. He just messaged back 'lol ok', he's at work today, maybe he's more happy to take my direction because he realised it's a bigger task than he'd thought..'
Thanks for your help and advice.
 
glitzandglamour|1391474188|3607355 said:
My advice, write down what you want and tell him to give it to the SA. Hopefully he follows through and they help him find something beautiful that's in the price range and you'll love!

Stress how important it is to you and that he could easily be mislead if he doesn't go in with some knowledge and a good understanding of what it is he wants to leave the store with.
Click to expand...

+1
 
Update:
He found a 0.81ct, D, SI1 heart that he likes (depth 60.2%, table 58%, med-veery thick girdle, very good polish and symmetry, faint fluorescence). At a brief glance at the specs on James Allen I think he's probably paying too much for it (he was quoted just under $9k AUD for the diamond and plain platinum setting) but he absolutely won't consider looking online because he wants the same place to make the ring and take care of any follow up issues.

Thanks everyone for your input
 
Are u happy with what he has chosen? I am unsure from your post.

Where are u living- in AUS? Try jorgiadiamonds, a few AUS have used them before and have been happy with them. If buying online in USA, there are taxes that will have to be paid. if there is an issue with the setting of the ring- eg sizing, you will have to post it back at your expense. But check the exchange rate and the gst you add on top of it. There may or may not be some $ difference.

There are also drop shippers( wholesalers that sell to the public) in AUS that can help as well. They typically are on the first or second floors if buildings, and therefore pay less rent and can sell thing cheaper. He can go to the shop and see the diamond and also see the ring before he pays for it. But if he has set his mind on doing this in a B&M store as there is surety in getting things fixed, then have another conversation with him regarding the ring that he is going to buy for you to wear. Is there a chance that you can go ring shopping together? I know u live apart... Is there a time frame that you or he has set? Sending inspiration pics and specs does not seem to help, from what I can understand?

he is and many ppl are, worried about buying online, sight unseen and making corrections. Fair enough. PSers know different- education with IS, ASETs etc.

I am hoping that everything turns out well for both of u.
 
gregchang35|1391521877|3607606 said:
Are u happy with what he has chosen? I am unsure from your post.

Where are u living- in AUS? Try jorgiadiamonds, a few AUS have used them before and have been happy with them. If buying online in USA, there are taxes that will have to be paid. if there is an issue with the setting of the ring- eg sizing, you will have to post it back at your expense. But check the exchange rate and the gst you add on top of it. There may or may not be some $ difference.

There are also drop shippers( wholesalers that sell to the public) in AUS that can help as well. They typically are on the first or second floors if buildings, and therefore pay less rent and can sell thing cheaper. He can go to the shop and see the diamond and also see the ring before he pays for it. But if he has set his mind on doing this in a B&M store as there is surety in getting things fixed, then have another conversation with him regarding the ring that he is going to buy for you to wear. Is there a chance that you can go ring shopping together? I know u live apart... Is there a time frame that you or he has set? Sending inspiration pics and specs does not seem to help, from what I can understand?

he is and many ppl are, worried about buying online, sight unseen and making corrections. Fair enough. PSers know different- education with IS, ASETs etc.

I am hoping that everything turns out well for both of u.
Click to expand...

I am happy to take his word on the stone being a good stone (he's seen the stone while I haven't), but I am a little concerned that he's paying way more than he should be for the stone-unless a simple platinum setting somehow costs $4400. It's not that I want a bigger or better stone with the budget, but I would be more comfortable if he'd spent less for that particular stone and setting, does that make sense?
We are in AUS. He said his research had been on where to go, so I think his line of thought is 'I'll find the most recommended place and they'll do all the thinking for me'-I am not sure where, it's a secret/surprise.

We were meant to go ring shopping together, but in the past few months we've barely had a chance. I'm moving back interstate and my parents have been very angry since I said I would not be living with them when I move back-they are very against the idea of me living with my SO before marriage so that is their concern (cultural reasons, strict asian background). We were hoping to be engaged before I moved back so that only leaves weeks. SO hadn't researched anything on rings because he was determined to have saved up the entire amount for a ring before even looking into stones or settings (so the whole time he said he was 'looking into things' he'd simply been looking at which stores to go to). He hasn't given himself much time now, he thought that he could just go in, pick a stone and the setting would be made in a day or something, despite knowing my ring had to be custom made and stores did not routinely stock my size...
 
Ok- so it's more the fact that he may be spending more than he should be compared to online. I am unsure of how to advise if he has made the decision already.

My only thought is: He is the one spending the time to work it all out. He seems happy with what has been advised and he doesn't want to deal with on line situation. Time is running out and sometimes dealing with someone physically in a store is better. Men are like that:-)

Money aside, I sometimes reason that we are still young enough and fit enough to earn the money to pay for it all.
 
Thanks for trying to help me.
I think I just need to get over it in my head that he would prefer and is happy to pay the premium for in store, I just have to let it go and not let my need to control everything to 'do it better' get the better of me.

ETA: It is well within and below his budget so it's ok.
 
That IS frustrating. It would drive me nuts if my fiancé was paying (close to double?) even if it was in his budget. I don't know. I might to explain to him the premium for buying in person. It isn't JUST the cost is higher. It is that you almost always get an inferior stone. (IMO)
 
Thanks everyone for your help!
My SO has decided we will most likely go down the online route afterall-the store did not have any other stones to show and the price was non negotiable. I showed him a James Allen stone that was bigger and cheaper with better clarity but lower in colour (G instead of D) so he's going to consider it.

His new plan is that instead of making all the decisions himself, he'll buy the diamond and then we'll design the setting together when I move back.
 
Bigger stone, better clarity and likely unnoticeable color difference for less money sounds great. I hope the new plan eases your worries.
 
G or even H is a good white color in a well-cut stone in the 1ct range or under. I had about a 1.25 ct G superideal H&A from Good Old Gold, and it was so white that I had to study it and two 7mm colorless CZs in order to pick the stone with the slight tint. It was a GIA graded stone.
 
Ah, so pretty!!! :love: Looking forward to seeing your ring! :appl:
 
I love hearts :love: I want a heart pendant some day :naughty: Congrats, it's beautiful!
 
It's a beautiful stone! I can't wait to see the setting you guys will choose!
 
Thank you everyone! We have it in a Tacori setting, we did have some issues that's been resolved (bit of a headache over at the rocky talky forum), once he proposes with it I'll be sure to share with you all!

junebug17, I absolutely adore your ring setting! I think if we didn't go with a heart shape I'd choose something like yours! (but much smaller diamond because we can't afford that size :cheeky: )
 
Ok, I am officially an idiot - I was following your threat in RT little birdie but didn't connect the threads :oops: - talk about a senior moment, getting old stinks!!! ;( I'm so glad things have finally been resolved with your ring, and I think it looks great! Can't wait to see it on your finger! (I'm sure that's how you're feeling too lol)

And thank you so much for the nice words about my ring - It truly made me feel good! :bigsmile:
 
Haha, no worries junebug17!
I have many of these such moments, sometimes I forget what I'm doing when someone distracts me and I remember a few hours later, or when one of my colleagues say 'little_birdie, have you charged up ___ yet?'
I mean what I say about the ring, I love how delicate the setting looks with it's intricate details.

Ok, so I know the ring was sent mid last week view fedex. Surely it will have arrived at my SO's by today...I'm not seeing him tonight or tomorrow night, and he's not going to show me until he proposes... The wait is killing me! :errrr:
 
Your stone looks like a good one. Glad your story has wonderful conclusion with the two of you compromising and working together.
:appl:
 
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