Hypothetical Question

[Elmorton]

Hi all! A friend of mine is in an interesting situation and I was wondering what y''all would do -

My friend finally found the absolute perfect guy for her - they''re a great match - old friends from childhood who reconnected a few years ago. They began dating shortly before he went on active duty, and he''s been serving in Iraq and is soon coming back stateside for training in January. My friend is planning to go see him when he returns.

So, my friend and I are having our weekly phone call, and she says "OH! I have news that I think you''ll be excited about, but I don''t know what to think!" and I say, "Oh?"

She proceeds to tell me that during a recent visit to her hometown, her boyfriend''s sister blurts out "He''s been talking about how you are going to get married in the fall of 2010 and he''s going to propose when we all go to see him in January!"

My friend is stunned - while he''d told her that he wanted to get married if he had to serve another tour, marriage is something they''d agreed not to talk about while he was deployed, though it''s definitely been something they''ve talked about when he''s been home on leave.

She said that she''s excited but really wishes she didn''t know - he clearly has been planning this and wanted it to be a surprise. She doesn''t want to tell him, but at the same time, doesn''t know how to react.

So - I pose it here. What would you do??

 

[neatfreak]

Do you mean telling him you know vs. not telling? Or saying yes or not?

 

[vita*dolce]

Date: 12/11/2008 11:29:49 PM
Author:Elmorton

So - I pose it here. What would you do??

i''d smack that stupid boyfriend''s sister right in her face!!

seriously though, she might not have to do anything -- blabber-mouth over there will probably spill the beans about spilling the beans.

 

[anyname]

does she not know what to do because she isn''t sure is wants to marry him? Maybe you can help your friend try to figure out why she''s kind of ambivalent about her feelings about a possible upcoming proposal. But other then that i don''t know what else you could do.

 

[swingirl]

First smack the boyfriend''s sister. Then forget anything was ever said. Any information like that should not have been shared with the loud mouthed sister and this gal should be angry at he bf for blathering information that has spoiled any chance of a surprise. Something tells me the sister knew she was out-of-place to mention the engagement and wanted to spoil the surprise. Watch out for her in the future.

 

[trillionaire]

I think people get excited and say things that they shouldn''t all the time. It happens. Sorry that the surprise was ruined, but that doesn''t mean that the propsal will be! I don''t think anything ruins someone asking you to spend the rest of your life with them!

 

[LaraOnline]

Date: 12/12/2008 12:41:44 AM
Author: trillionaire
I think people get excited and say things that they shouldn''t all the time. It happens. Sorry that the surprise was ruined, but that doesn''t mean that the propsal will be! I don''t think anything ruins someone asking you to spend the rest of your life with them!

I agree. Sometimes ''big news'' kind of does rock you a bit.
When her feelings settle a little, she might be glad of the heads-up, it is difficult having her man be overseas in a war zone, no doubt that has quit a bit to do with any uncertainty she might be experiencing right now.
She doesn''t have to do anything, except perhaps enjoy the speculation and kind gossip going around. Tell her to just enjoy! It might all be a silly rumour, anyway.

 

[Bia]

Date: 12/11/2008 11:42:11 PM
Author: vita*dolce

Date: 12/11/2008 11:29:49 PM

Author:Elmorton


So - I pose it here. What would you do??

i''d smack that stupid boyfriend''s sister right in her face!!

seriously though, she might not have to do anything -- blabber-mouth over there will probably spill the beans about spilling the beans.

hehehehe...

She shouldn''t say anything to her man. What''s the point? And like vita said, "blabber-mouth" will probably tell her brother anyway...

Sorry your friend''s surprise was ruined though

 

[Thomperchik]

Mmmhhh... Very interesting that you mention this. There''s two questions I''m thinking of,
A.) Does she want to get married and B.) What if he''s not going to propose? What if it doesn''t happen and then she gets her hopes up?

This would be tough for me, because I can''t keep secrets from my FF but if she says something then she may ruin her relationship between the SO and the sister or her and the sister.

I may be overthinking all of this, but just my .02...

 

[CNOS128]

Yup, I had the same reaction as Thomperchik -- what if he now doesn''t propose, and she''s waiting for him to do so? That''ll suck.

Either way, she shouldn''t do anything. Maybe talk to the sister about keeping her mouth shut.

 

[fieryred33143]

First of all, his sister sucks LOL I mean what if he has a change of plans and decides I don''t know to propose on Valentine''s day or something??? Then your poor friend is going to be standing there expecting a proposal and it doesn''t come! Worst case scenario I know but dang way to ruin a moment.

Secondly, I would not mention a word of it. The surprise is already ruined for her but it shouldn''t be ruined for him. I have a few cousin''s out in Iraq and thinking about exciting things keeps their mind off of where they are. This proposal is keeping his mind active and cheerful. He''s probably thinking every day about what her face is going to look like, her reaction, what he''s going to say, etc. If she mentions that she knows, then it sort of takes that happiness away from him and you don''t want to do that to someone that''s there...you know? Hope that made sense!

 

[Dreamgirl]

The sister obviously has a BIG mouth and doesn''t know how to stay quiet. If I were your friend I would feel the same way she does. It''s exciting to know it''s coming but completely ruins the surprise. How sad

I''d actually say something to the sister. I''d let her know how I feel and let her handle the issue if I were your friend.......

 

[Guilty Pleasure]

I''m of the opinion that a proposal should not really a be a total surprise... I mean you should kind of know if you''re heading that direction before the question ever comes out. So the time frame surprise may have been narrowed down for the girl, but how and exactly when is still a mystery to her!

I would be mad if I was her brother, especially if I DIDN''T propose, but if everything goes according to plan, then this realyl shouldn''t matter down the road.

 

[musey]

Date: 12/11/2008 11:37:59 PM
Author: neatfreak
Do you mean telling him you know vs. not telling? Or saying yes or not?

I was going to ask the same question...

 

[Elmorton]

Interesting responses!

The answer to a couple of questions - yes, my friend definitely wants to marry him, and she will definitely be replying yes. The question was more of the "do you tell him you know? drop hints? play dumb? say something to the sister? let it go? convince yourself that it isn''t going to happen then?"

The sister is a blabbermouth for sure, but I don''t think she meant to hurt anyone by it - she''s just genuinely excited. The sister is really nice and has been a good friend of my friend for years.

Thomper - that is EXCACTLY what my friend''s reaction was when she told me over the phone. She wants to tell him, but feels like she can''t (plus, she really wants to be engaged to him, and wouldn''t want to wait longer!) because it was his sister who told her (and BF and sister are very close), and then she''s afraid that she''ll feel really hurt if he doesn''t propose and she gets on the plane to go home...

Fiery - another one of the things my friend and I talked about...that if he was at home, my advice would be to say something to the BF, but since he''s in Iraq, it''s a whole different thing. Since he hasn''t said a word to her, she knows that he''s planning a surprise and must be thinking about it - esp if he''s telling his sister about it when they talk every week.

Guilty - totally agreed - I think she was just very caught off guard because it wasn''t the timeline she was expecting. And, since her BF seems to really want to surprise her, she''s afraid that she won''t be able to react in as genuine of a way. But, this is the same friend who I called literally minutes before I knew my DH was going to propose - she told me "Eh, it''s probably not going to happen now - go enjoy your picnic!" - I took her advice, chilled out, and it was a really sweet proposal (and I was surprised). I really hope everything does go according to plan for her!

 

[musey]

Play dumb. Information like that, coming from any other source from him, is not real

 

[Guilty Pleasure]

When my guy proposed, I saw the ring box bulge in his pocket and was still shocked and cried when he pulled it out to pop the question. I had convinced myself it was the camera case. Even the little suspicion that that bump was a ring box and the knowledge that he should be proposing in the next few months didn''t ruin my surprise. In that moment, I was shaking and crying joyous tears and smiling from ear to ear. I think even if I had known the exact moment it would happen, I would have been just as happy and shocked by my reaction. Nothing could have prepared me for how excited and happy I was. So tell your friend not to worry about the surprise being ruined because I think that it''s made even better by her anticipation!

 

[Dreamgirl]

Date: 12/12/2008 2:59:58 PM
Author: Elmorton
Interesting responses!

The answer to a couple of questions - yes, my friend definitely wants to marry him, and she will definitely be replying yes. The question was more of the ''do you tell him you know? drop hints? play dumb? say something to the sister? let it go? convince yourself that it isn''t going to happen then?''

Yes, as I said....say something to the sister!!!

 

[radiantquest]

i think that she should put it out of her mind as best she can. the excitement will be hard to contain if she is thinking about it all the time. and not knowing exactly when or how will still let it be a surprise. my only negative thought is what if he doesnt feel that it is the right time or couldnt get the ring or whatever and he doesnt do. she will be really bummed.

 

[Elmorton]

Radiant, I know...that''s what worries me, too. My friend has an heirloom diamond that she wants to use for an e-ring, and her BF knows this. The sister told my friend that he plans to propose without a ring and then they can pick a setting out together at another time (seriously - can you believe the amount of detail she told my friend?!?! I was in absolute shock that someone would do that). I guess the fact that there''s no ring makes me somehow more nervous that he''ll be waiting for the right moment...and what if he just never feels like the moment is right and decides to wait (he''ll be home for a few weeks of R&R in Feb - so it wouldn''t be the longest wait, probably, but I know my friend would still be hurt)?

 

[Guilty Pleasure]

wow, that sister is really dense to tell so much detail!! I would be so mad at her if I was the boyfriend. I don''t think your friend should say anything to her though. Let her brother yell at her later!

 

[NewEnglandLady]

Aww, I''m excited for your friend! An early congrats for her!

Sounds like your friend''s future sister-in-law got out quite a bit of information...when he planned to propose, when the wedding would be, what he planned to do about the ring, etc. and your friend never stopped her to tell her "I''d love for this to be a surprise". Hmmm, maybe she doesn''t mind knowing after all

I know very, VERY few women who didn''t know it was coming at all. Usually we can tell by the way they are acting, or we can see the ring box, or we just know that something is "up". I knew my husband would be proposing on a specific trip, but the feeling is still so surreal that you can''t help but be shocked by the whole feeling of it. It''s just a very special event and no matter how it happens, she will love it. If he has something nice planned, I wouldn''t want to ruin that...this is his moment.

 

[Rhea]

Trying to pretend like the conversation never happened is nearly impossible. This puts your friend in a really bad position if he doesn''t propose now. I wouldn''t worry about the surprise being ruinned. I think most people know when it''s coming. It''s the what if it doesn''t happen now that would be so upsetting. If it doesn''t happen I think I''d talk to BF near to the time that he''s leaving and tell him what his sister told me. Get the air all cleared before he leaves. Hopefully he won''t wait until the last minute to propose.

 

[Amanda.Rx]

I would tell the boyfriend exactly what the sister said, and see what HE has to say about it. I would express my concern that I feel that the element of surprise is now ruined.

Also, if me and the boyfriend hadn''t SERIOUSLY talked about marriage (and had only thrown the idea around to put off til he returned)... I would feel as though he were rushing things. I think marriage is too serious to NOT talk about BEFORE a proposal.

I think the girlfriend and the boyfriend should communicate on the issue and get on the same page before proceeding with anything.

 

[gwendolyn]

Date: 12/13/2008 11:24:43 AM
Author: Amanda.Rx
I would tell the boyfriend exactly what the sister said, and see what HE has to say about it. I would express my concern that I feel that the element of surprise is now ruined.


Also, if me and the boyfriend hadn''t SERIOUSLY talked about marriage (and had only thrown the idea around to put off til he returned)... I would feel as though he were rushing things. I think marriage is too serious to NOT talk about BEFORE a proposal.


I think the girlfriend and the boyfriend should communicate on the issue and get on the same page before proceeding with anything.

Agreed.