How would you handle this?! (domestic violence)

[annadragon]

I have a new job. It's a small office and people share their lives with one another pretty openly.

However, a few weeks ago one of my co-workers showed up after a tumultuous break up with bruises on her arm. She blatantly said it was her ex-boyfriend that put them there. However, she moved out. After that there was speculation that her broken arm a few months back was caused at the hands of said ex-boyfriend.

Now today, she comes to work teary-eyed and tells another co-worker that her father, whom she moved in with after breaking up with the ex-boyfriend, beat her up last night! She says she is going to move out, but financially she is not in a good position and her father financially supports her young son.

I don't normally get this involved in my co-workers lives, but this freaks me out. I know there are some on-line resources that can be helpful. Yet, she has not specifically told me of the incident so I'm afraid if I tried to approach her or give her the resources she would reject them and create other professional problems in the office.

What should I do? Has anyone else had to handle this at their workplace before?

 

[dragonfly411]

Annadragon - I think you need to go to a supervisor with your concerns. Clearly this woman is in a position where she is being injured. I don't think it is for you to personally approach her though because you are right, she could create more problems within the office.

The other idea is an anonymous tip off to the authorities.

 

[Nashville]

IMHO, her telling everyone in the office is a bad idea. It puts personal info out there about her life, it could be potentially dangerous if her ex is a psycho, and it's distracting her from what she should really be doing, which is telling a professional abuse counselor or law enforcement.

If you want to help, talk to your coworker's boss and quietly let them know that you're aware of this situation and you think she needs help. It's very sad, but she is a mother and she needs to step up and protect herself, for her and her son's sake.

The national abuse hotline (1−800−799−SAFE) can get her in touch with a counselor who can better assist her depending on the area she lives in and possibly point her in the right direction to a battered woman's shelter, or even just someone who can give her some ideas about how to get away from her situation. If she has more family to reach out to, that's an important step as well.

If anything, an anonymous call to the police or crisis center might be needed... good luck, it's a tough position to be in.

 

[dragonfly411]

Nashville - It might be a good idea though that she has put her information out there, because if she turns up missing then the office workers will know that something is seriously wrong!

 

[Nashville]

Nashville - It might be a good idea though that she has put her information out there, because if she turns up missing then the office workers will know that something is seriously wrong!

I don't mean don't tell her boss (who should know what's going on, definitely) or close friends, but telling an entire office just strikes me as a bad idea. Even if it's a small office, gossip carries very quickly and you never know who might tell something to the wrong person.

I used to work in a call center with a girl who had a 3 year old son. She used to tell everyone in the office how her son's father was a drug addict and kept guns around, she put lots and lots of personal information out there. One of the girls in the office was dating one of this guy's friends and her boyfriend told him everything that had been going around in the office about him. The guy ended up FREAKING out and attempted to kidnap the kid and take him across state lines. It was very awful to witness, and I just couldn't help thinking that if she had gone to our boss or the police and kept others out of it, it would have been safer for everyone. Just my $0.02...

 

[JulieN]

I wouldn't get involved. Mostly because she didn't tell you, so it's gossip at this point and so I certainly wouldn't tell the boss!

 

[Circe]

I wouldn't leap into the fray if I didn't know her and hadn't talked to her personally ... but I'm assuming you know the person she did tell to have heard about this, yes? So maybe tell *them* about the resources, and she can pass the info. along to the woman who is being abused (possibly under her own name, to avoid making the woman feel like she is being gossiped about). I think going to the boss would be a bad idea: it might get her in trouble at work, making for a perfect storm of badness. Sadly, we don't live in the most sympathetic society, so giving a boss fodder to think this woman is being a distraction or might pose a drain on company resources ... problematic.

Nashville: I see where you're coming from, practically, but doesn't that continue to put this enormous burden of secrecy and shame on the person being abused? Living your life in fear that your abuser might escalate further seems like an unconscionable burden. There's a book out there called The Gift of Fear about stalking and abuse that talks about this: it might be worth recommending to people we all know in similar situations.

 

[monarch64]

Without divulging the information you've obtained to your employers, I would find out whether they have a domestic violence policy/SOP. I would also give the co-worker hotline phone numbers and just be supportive.

No one has brought up the fact that the ex may show up at your place of employment sometime when (not if, when) this situation escalates. What will you do then? You need to think about the future here.

I thought this link was interesting:

http://www.lonad.com/2010/09/10/domesti ... o-victims/

ETA: I'm sorry, but to those who are saying not to get involved--that is exactly the kind of response the abuser hopes for. This woman has already admitted that her bruises/injuries have been caused by abuse. To just offer her a hotline number and do nothing further could end up putting the company in jeopardy in the future when the ex or father ends up killing her--then who is to blame? There is a responsibility here, people, to do what is right and protect everyone involved from the abusers. She likely has nowhere else to turn but co-workers, he has probably already isolated her from friends and family, and he may be tracking her cell phone calls so that she may not even be able to make a call to a hotline. She needs help, she doesn't need to be quiety handed a number and then ignored and left alone.

 

[Nashville]

I wouldn't leap into the fray if I didn't know her and hadn't talked to her personally ... but I'm assuming you know the person she did tell to have heard about this, yes? So maybe tell *them* about the resources, and she can pass the info. along to the woman who is being abused (possibly under her own name, to avoid making the woman feel like she is being gossiped about). I think going to the boss would be a bad idea: it might get her in trouble at work, making for a perfect storm of badness. Sadly, we don't live in the most sympathetic society, so giving a boss fodder to think this woman is being a distraction or might pose a drain on company resources ... problematic.

Nashville: I see where you're coming from, practically, but doesn't that continue to put this enormous burden of secrecy and shame on the person being abused? Living your life in fear that your abuser might escalate further seems like an unconscionable burden. There's a book out there called The Gift of Fear about stalking and abuse that talks about this: it might be worth recommending to people we all know in similar situations.

I don't see it that way at all. I see it as a way of self protection. I've already acknowledged that there should be no shame or guilt in talking about the abuse. But at the same time, it's a very personal situation that needs to be handled delicately and you just never know what might happen if you tell an office full of people (where rumors, lies and gossip run like wildfire). There's no "right" answer and I really don't care to argue with anyone about this, it's just my opinion. I think people in bad situations (rape, abuse, etc.) should be encouraged to be candid with people who can actually HELP them. I know how things get twisted when people start to talk and it would be a sad thing if Child Protection Services showed up to her house and took her son because someone called in and just said there is abuse in the home (just an example of how things can get out of control even if intentions are good). I think victims need to be encouraged to empower themselves by seeking out people who are trained to handle it accordingly. That's all I'll say about it for now.

 

[Bunny007]

I understand you have good intentions but I think it's inappropriate to go to your employer, and definately overstepping your boundaries. Most people like to keep their personal and professional lives separate and it's not up to you decide what should be shared. Setting aside the speculation that her ex might visit the office (and even then), what would the boss do about it?

Since it sounds like she hasn't told you, personally, about any of her problems, I would stay out of it. Perhaps a different co-worker that's closer to her can approach her and offer to help.

 

[Circe]

... Nashville: I see where you're coming from, practically, but doesn't that continue to put this enormous burden of secrecy and shame on the person being abused? Living your life in fear that your abuser might escalate further seems like an unconscionable burden. There's a book out there called The Gift of Fear about stalking and abuse that talks about this: it might be worth recommending to people we all know in similar situations.

I don't see it that way at all. I see it as a way of self protection. I've already acknowledged that there should be no shame or guilt in talking about the abuse. But at the same time, it's a very personal situation that needs to be handled delicately and you just never know what might happen if you tell an office full of people (where rumors, lies and gossip run like wildfire). There's no "right" answer and I really don't care to argue with anyone about this, it's just my opinion. I think people in bad situations (rape, abuse, etc.) should be encouraged to be candid with people who can actually HELP them. I know how things get twisted when people start to talk and it would be a sad thing if Child Protection Services showed up to her house and took her son because someone called in and just said there is abuse in the home (just an example of how things can get out of control even if intentions are good). I think victims need to be encouraged to empower themselves by seeking out people who are trained to handle it accordingly. That's all I'll say about it for now.

Fair enough, and I hope my post didn't come off as an attack: I think this is a very important topic that needs to be addressed, but I definitely acknowledge that there's no "one size fits all" solution.

 

[vintagelover229]

I second the book "The Gift of Fear" its an amazing book and really eye opening. It reminds us we all have an inner warning system and even if we don't understand why we have the voice or impulse to do something, it usually is right and can keep us out of harms way. It goes into details about certain experiences and why alarm bells might be going off after the experience occurred, which is nice because it reminds us that if things don't feel right, just because we can't pin point it in that exact moment, it doesn't mean we shouldn't listen to it. It could save your life!

As far as your co-worker goes...you need to tell someone. I realize she's a grown woman and should be taking care of this herself, but she may not know where to begin. Perhaps telling her small group of co-workers is the only people she feels safe to tell. Maybe her family won't believe her, or who knows what the reasons are. The fact is: She's reaching out for help. I watched my mom take a beating far to many times when I was growing up. I didn't tell any of my teachers or anything, but it was hard to watch growing up. The damage done not only to her, but to her child watching it is a very scary thought to me, and to this day I still have issues and memories of my mother all bloody from those drunken fights. Those memories will never go away. But you can help how many of those bad memories that the child will have.

If I were you I'd walk up to her with a little note. On the note write: I don't know if you want help or not, but here are some numbers I looked up for you. And list the information there for her. Also at the bottom I would include something along the lines of, if you don't think you can find a safe place to call (if she can't call at work for whatever reason) please ask for help and we can figure something out.

I'm not sure how to word it, but I can say that child needs to get out of that environment, and so does she. No wonder she was in a bad relationship...it appears it started at home with her father. When you grow up seeing stuff like that, you have a greater chance of being attracted to the trash that does the same thing. And NO, not all men start out the first date off with a smack across the face. She needs help to figure out what attracted her to that kind of a man so the next relationship she is in she recognizes the warning signs. She should also look into a womens self defense class. I'll keep you and your co-worker in my prayers. Please keep us updated as you know more. And thank you for being a caring co-worker trying to help. Despite popular belief, it's not as easy as leaving as many people think.

 

[annadragon]

Thank you all for your replies.

As for how much she has told me personally - it only goes as far as the bruises caused by her ex-boyfriend. The situation with her father is at the moment coming from another party in the office. She talks fairly openly about her personal life and before this arose I thought she just didn't give much thought or care to co-mingling her personal and professional life.

I'm not actually in fear that an abuser will come to our office, though it definitely will keep me on my guard just in case.

She exhibits classic abuse mentality. Talking about her ex-boyfriend, how she loves him, wants to reconcile their relationship, that he's the only father her child had known (not the bio-dad), etc. I suspect he isn't the first guy to inflict physical harm on her.

I think I will leave the resources with the person who she is talking to.

 

[Nashville]

... Nashville: I see where you're coming from, practically, but doesn't that continue to put this enormous burden of secrecy and shame on the person being abused? Living your life in fear that your abuser might escalate further seems like an unconscionable burden. There's a book out there called The Gift of Fear about stalking and abuse that talks about this: it might be worth recommending to people we all know in similar situations.

I don't see it that way at all. I see it as a way of self protection. I've already acknowledged that there should be no shame or guilt in talking about the abuse. But at the same time, it's a very personal situation that needs to be handled delicately and you just never know what might happen if you tell an office full of people (where rumors, lies and gossip run like wildfire). There's no "right" answer and I really don't care to argue with anyone about this, it's just my opinion. I think people in bad situations (rape, abuse, etc.) should be encouraged to be candid with people who can actually HELP them. I know how things get twisted when people start to talk and it would be a sad thing if Child Protection Services showed up to her house and took her son because someone called in and just said there is abuse in the home (just an example of how things can get out of control even if intentions are good). I think victims need to be encouraged to empower themselves by seeking out people who are trained to handle it accordingly. That's all I'll say about it for now.

Fair enough, and I hope my post didn't come off as an attack: I think this is a very important topic that needs to be addressed, but I definitely acknowledge that there's no "one size fits all" solution.

No, it didn't come off as an attack whatsoever, no problem. I just don't want to come across as if I'm saying I don't care. I do care, a lot. Domestic violence is no joke. I bristle at the notion that I'd ever just "toss someone an 800 number and walk away" or tell a victim to not tell anyone they are being abused. That's the last thing I would ever think to do. There is help out there, there are counselors you can get to and those counselors can get you on the road that leads away from fear and abuse. These resources should be used, police officers, counselors, social workers are there to help. Sometimes all it takes is giving someone a nudge in the right direction.

 

[Bunny007]

I think that's a good idea. I'm afraid my last post came off as uncaring. It's not that I don't think anyone should reach out to her, I just think it should be someone she's closer to, if possible. I think she'd respond better to someone she already trusts, and hopefully having one "spokesperson" would prevent any office buzz/gossip that might be detrimental to her career.

 

[movie zombie]

is there an HR person? if so, that's where i'd take this.

MoZo

 

[zoebartlett]

If you heard this (even if it wasn't from her), it might be a good idea to tell the boss/supervisor. I can understand the sentiment of not wanting to get involved because you didn't hear it directly from this person, but I think that once you know, it's up to you to report it. I'd rather report something that I believed to be true and possibly help someone in need than sit back with that knowledge and not say anything.

 

[Kaleigh]

I can't say what to do. I know I would let someone know in HR what you know. Not sure if there is an HR in your company..

But I have been dealing with this with a very dear friend. There is a wonderful book.

Helping her get free.

A guide for families and friends of abused women.


By Susan Brewster, M.S.S.W.


I offer this book in case anyone reading this thread needs it, or know someone who is going through this...

It's been immensley helpful to me.

There were times, I really wanted to pull my hair out.

This book helps me to help me.. I can't be the saviour. I am the anchor...

I can't save the ship, but can keep it afloat....
There will be turbulent times, but as the anchor I can help... I can hold on, so the boat won't snap and sail away....

It's deep, what can I say..

 

[Arkteia]

I would totally agree talking to your boss or an HR person. This woman seems to have been abused all her life, developed victim's mentality and may be abused or seriously hurt by either her boyfriend, or her father or someone else. No one can overstep boundaries in such cases. Since abused women tend to come back to the abusers, time and again, she needs urgent help. I think her ability to tell someone about it means she is basically screaming for help. As to discussing it at work - she likely has no other outlet, is confused and scared. In these situations, it is not always easy to think rationally and go to a counselor. She may not even have insurance, and no money for the counselor.

 

[somethingshiny]

Ditto to Monnies post.

To those of us who have experienced abuse first or second hand, I think we realize just how dangerous this situation is. This isn't something to blow off whether you got first hand info or not. The fact is, you know for a fact that the boyfriend has abused her and are fairly certain her father is too. If it was only one person doing this to her it would be worth some help, let alone a possible 2nd abuser.

Abuse doesn't go away. It gets worse. She's already had a broken bone, what are you waiting for? I'm sorry that this seems to be resting on your shoulders, but maybe YOU'RE the one she's been waiting for.