pennquaker09
Brilliant_Rock
- Joined
- Nov 2, 2007
- Messages
- 1,943
This is for all of you that have MIL issues!
MIL: "Oh, you''re looking so...healthy [i.e., fat]!"
The Response: "Thank you! I feel great." This is slightly snide but assumes that your MIL is saying something positive. Your confident approach of shaking off her comment should stop her in her tracks, letting her realize she''s not getting to you. If she keeps saying it, you can take her aside and say something like, "I''m sure you don''t mean to hurt my feelings, but you''re making me feel very uncomfortable by talking about me like that." This should end the discussion.
MIL: "Hmm...that''s not the way we make stuffing."
The Response: "I''d love for you to try mine this time. You might like it." Remain confident, loving, and sincere, and she''ll realize that you''re sweetly standing by your conviction -- and your cooking. If you don''t mind a taste-off, add, "But if you''d like to make your recipe too, it''s the holidays -- we have plenty of room on the table!" If you''d love one less thing to do and would rather end her critique than argue, say, "Would you like to make the stuffing? I could use some help."
MIL: "That''s his favorite. Trust me, I''ve known him a long time."
The Response: "You''re probably right. He has all kinds of secrets that I haven''t learned yet." This will show her that you''re not trying to take over, and that you''re deferring primary importance. But for your sake, it should also end her bragging, since you''ve kindly reminded her that you''re not competing.
MIL: "I wouldn''t have spent that for that."
The Response: "I believe you. Sometimes I splurge on things, and since you were coming, I wanted to get something special. I''m happy to be able to do it." By saying this in a loving tone, you''ll show her that you won''t let her opinion change the way you feel about your purchase -- and you''ll make her feel like her visit is important to you.
MIL: "Is that how you''re wearing your hair now?"
The Response: "Yes, [insert name of your spouse] loves it." If you say this nicely, your assertiveness might nip her rude comment in the bud, and you won''t sound rude yourself.
MIL: "You buy each other really extravagant gifts."
The Response: "We love each other. This is one of the ways we show it." Smile with confidence that you have nothing to be ashamed of, and her comment will just turn into background noise.
MIL: "Don''t treat/talk to my son/daughter that way."
The Response: If she''s seen you in an argument, say, "I don''t like fighting either. I don''t like what just happened, and I''m especially sorry that you had to see it." This ends the discussion and holds your spouse just as accountable for the argument as you are. If her comment comes without a clear catalyst, say in a genuine manner, "What do you mean? What am I doing that''s upsetting you?" And listen to her answer. If you discover that a behavior pushes her buttons, don''t do it around her.
MIL: "This is our holiday. I think it would be best if you didn''t invite your family."
The Response: "That really puts me in a bind because I was hoping that our families could be together this year. This will be tough for us to manage, but since we want to see both our families, we''ll figure out a solution." Before you say anything else, create a plan with your spouse. No matter what, don''t let MIL''s itinerary separate you and your husband for the holidays. Then present your holiday plan as a team. She''ll know exactly why she''s only seeing you for a few hours on Christmas. If she wants more explanation, let your husband handle it.
[Nestperts] Tina B. Tessina, PhD, psychotherapist and author of It Ends with You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction, and Harriette Cole, a life stylist, author, and host of PULSE, a women''s lifestyle show on XM Satellite Radio
MIL: "Oh, you''re looking so...healthy [i.e., fat]!"
The Response: "Thank you! I feel great." This is slightly snide but assumes that your MIL is saying something positive. Your confident approach of shaking off her comment should stop her in her tracks, letting her realize she''s not getting to you. If she keeps saying it, you can take her aside and say something like, "I''m sure you don''t mean to hurt my feelings, but you''re making me feel very uncomfortable by talking about me like that." This should end the discussion.
MIL: "Hmm...that''s not the way we make stuffing."
The Response: "I''d love for you to try mine this time. You might like it." Remain confident, loving, and sincere, and she''ll realize that you''re sweetly standing by your conviction -- and your cooking. If you don''t mind a taste-off, add, "But if you''d like to make your recipe too, it''s the holidays -- we have plenty of room on the table!" If you''d love one less thing to do and would rather end her critique than argue, say, "Would you like to make the stuffing? I could use some help."
MIL: "That''s his favorite. Trust me, I''ve known him a long time."
The Response: "You''re probably right. He has all kinds of secrets that I haven''t learned yet." This will show her that you''re not trying to take over, and that you''re deferring primary importance. But for your sake, it should also end her bragging, since you''ve kindly reminded her that you''re not competing.
MIL: "I wouldn''t have spent that for that."
The Response: "I believe you. Sometimes I splurge on things, and since you were coming, I wanted to get something special. I''m happy to be able to do it." By saying this in a loving tone, you''ll show her that you won''t let her opinion change the way you feel about your purchase -- and you''ll make her feel like her visit is important to you.
MIL: "Is that how you''re wearing your hair now?"
The Response: "Yes, [insert name of your spouse] loves it." If you say this nicely, your assertiveness might nip her rude comment in the bud, and you won''t sound rude yourself.
MIL: "You buy each other really extravagant gifts."
The Response: "We love each other. This is one of the ways we show it." Smile with confidence that you have nothing to be ashamed of, and her comment will just turn into background noise.
MIL: "Don''t treat/talk to my son/daughter that way."
The Response: If she''s seen you in an argument, say, "I don''t like fighting either. I don''t like what just happened, and I''m especially sorry that you had to see it." This ends the discussion and holds your spouse just as accountable for the argument as you are. If her comment comes without a clear catalyst, say in a genuine manner, "What do you mean? What am I doing that''s upsetting you?" And listen to her answer. If you discover that a behavior pushes her buttons, don''t do it around her.
MIL: "This is our holiday. I think it would be best if you didn''t invite your family."
The Response: "That really puts me in a bind because I was hoping that our families could be together this year. This will be tough for us to manage, but since we want to see both our families, we''ll figure out a solution." Before you say anything else, create a plan with your spouse. No matter what, don''t let MIL''s itinerary separate you and your husband for the holidays. Then present your holiday plan as a team. She''ll know exactly why she''s only seeing you for a few hours on Christmas. If she wants more explanation, let your husband handle it.
[Nestperts] Tina B. Tessina, PhD, psychotherapist and author of It Ends with You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction, and Harriette Cole, a life stylist, author, and host of PULSE, a women''s lifestyle show on XM Satellite Radio
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