How to reject lunch invites from co-worker?

[qtiekiki]

I've been invited to lunch a couple times by a co-worker. Co-worker because we work for the same city, but we don't really have a working relationship since we are in different divisions. On occasions, some issues related to both divisions come up, and he'll ask for assistance, but it's rare. It was just friendly hi if we run into each other in the hallway, but lately he would walk by my cube to say hi or chit chat. I don't like it, but remained friendly while acting busy. In the past, I simply said I brought my lunch or I already had plan. But this time, he emailed and asked in advance. I am going to say no, but is there something I can say that would detour future invites?

 

[Mara]

do you think he's interested in you in a way other than professional--is that why you don't want to lunch with him?

if i really wanted to reject all future lunch invites with someone i'd probably say that because of my work schedule i rarely (if ever) take lunches OR run errands at lunch OR workout at lunch, or whatever. which at this point is mostly true because i'm working a slightly more flex schedule and do some wfh so i don't bother with going out to lunch except maybe once a week with a group of friends. and if i do have time to leave i end up running errands like getting groceries or something.

 

[ForteKitty]

Sounds like he's interested in you. Firmly let him know that you are not interested, and that your husband wouldn't appreciate you having lunch with a male co-worker, despite his good intentions.

A lot of people go "fishing" in the work place, and they're looking for someone who will bite, regardless of the fish's relationship status. he sounds sketchy.

 

[Haven]

I agree that it sounds like he might be testing the waters to see if there's a possibility of pursuing a relationship with you.

First, I'm sorry you have to deal with unwanted lunch invitations at work.
Second, I would write an email to say no to his offer, and to deter future invitations.

This is what I would write:
___________________________
Dear Hisname,

I am going to decline your lunch invitation, but thank you for the kind offer. *My husband usually packs a lunch for me, so I'll be eating that at my desk.

Good luck with your current projects,
Qtiekiki
______________________________
*Are you married? I would mention the husband.

I know the email may sound a bit formal, but that's the point. I think it's best to be very clear that you are not interested in being this guy's friend.

I just started a new job in August, and everyone was really friendly and helpful. One day, one of the HVAC employees approached me as I was wandering down a hallway and asked if I needed directions, which was very kind. He then proceeded to walk me to where I was going, and he was very enthusiastic about asking me questions all the while. He was a close talker, and for whatever reason I just got a bit of a creepy vibe from him. At first he asked if I was a student, and when I told him I was a teacher we shook hands and exchanged names.

Several days later he sent me an email that had some questionable things in it--"I've never written to anyone here at work before, but or some reason I wanted to write to you" "you sure do make a great first impression, I hope mine was okay????" "I'll be working by xyz garden from 6 to 9 tonight if you want to come and ask me any questions. I'm sure you have a lot of questions. " "it would be sweet if you want to write back and forth or talk at times. I'd be down with that. " "here's my yahoo email:"

At first I thought perhaps he was just being friendly, but that night I showed the email to DH and he was pretty certain that the guy was trying to feel me out to see if I might be open to his advances. I was a little upset about it after thinking about the email (it was longer than what I wrote above, of course) and mostly I was just irritated that I had to deal with this uneasiness my first week at a new job. So, I wanted to nip it in the bud immediately, so I sent this response:

________________
Hi, Hisname,

Thank you for your email and your warm welcome to (school's name). I've been very
impressed with everyone's kindness thus far, and my husband can barely
believe it that (school's name) is filled with so many helpful people.

It was nice to meet you the other day, and I hope you have a good semester.

Haven
_______________

The next time I saw him in the hallway he flat out ignored me, which pretty much proved that he had been making an unwelcome advance. Had he just said hello that would have told me that he was trying to be nice in his email, but it was pretty clear by his response to my email that he was looking for more, and thus felt rejected.

I like including a last line that makes it clear that I'm not planning on talking to him anytime soon. I don't know if you have seasons in your job, but if you do I'd wish him well on whatever the upcoming season is.

Good luck. I don't think there's anything wrong with being a bit stiff and formal in response to this guy to get your point across. If he was just trying to be nice, he won't take your email the wrong way, and if he was fishing for a connection, he'll get the picture that you aren't interested.

Good luck!

 

[Pandora II]

Dear X,

Thanks so much for the invitation but I'm afraid I don't take a lunch break as it allows me to leave on time to pick up my kids. Luckily my husband is a fab cook and makes great pack lunches!

Hope you all have a great lunch!

Best

 

[Haven]

I like Pandora's email. That one is really good. It says: I have kids AND a husband, buddy, BACK OFF!

 

[ForteKitty]

Wow you guys are so civil. when that happened to me, i just said "no, thanks" and stared back at my monitor until he left...

off topic, but Qtiekiki, did you ever try that burrito place near downtown LA? i just remembered that food thread from a while back.

 

[qtiekiki]

I am bad at assessing these kind of situations. I used to think that these are friendly gestures, but DH always says that guys don't do something for nothing. I've also been in a situation (back in college) when I thought thing was platonic, and it turned out not to be. So I tend to be more cautious now. The main issue is that I am not comfortable going lunch with this guy, regardless of his intentions. It's not like I am friend with him and can converse with him at lunch. I am also pumping during part of my lunch break, but it's not something I would be tell him. Thanks for all the email suggestions. I'll use something similar to Pandora's suggestion.

Fortekitty - I still haven't try the burrito place. It's on my list. Just have to get to it.

 

[swingirl]

When coming up with excuses I hate using my husband or children as the excuse. If you didn't have a husband or baby and did not like to eat at your desk or run errands you still should be able to say No to an invitation, just because. A more simple answer would be, "No thanks. I prefer to relax during my lunch break". To me that says, "leave me alone" not "I am too busy, maybe another time".

 

[Bliss]

Oh no, I think this guy is interested in you. I'm sorry! I get so offended when men "fish" for a reaction or opening - HELLO, married! All the ladies here gave such good advice. I personally would include my husband in the e-mail because some guys are just daft and won't get the hint otherwise. Most men will back off if you mention a husband because let's face it... these type guys are usually cowards looking for a fling. Clearly, he is daft enough to pursue a married woman who is NOT interested and keeps saying so. Besides, it's not professional - unless the two people are actually friends, it can trigger office gossip and is just inappropriate. Ugh, sorry this is happening to you!

 

[Dreamer_D]

I think all of the responses suggested are good ones, all depending on your personal style.

But let me add EWWWWW to Haven's creepy co-worker! How do they not notice all the PS bling going on and get the picture??

 

[Mara]

I think all of the responses suggested are good ones, all depending on your personal style.

But let me add EWWWWW to Haven's creepy co-worker! How do they not notice all the PS bling going on and get the picture??

Whenever guys seem overly friendly with me, I tell Greg it must be UPGRADE TIME!!!!

 

[Laila619]

When coming up with excuses I hate using my husband or children as the excuse. If you didn't have a husband or baby and did not like to eat at your desk or run errands you still should be able to say No to an invitation, just because. A more simple answer would be, "No thanks. I prefer to relax during my lunch break". To me that says, "leave me alone" not "I am too busy, maybe another time".

Ditto!

 

[monarch64]

I think all of the responses suggested are good ones, all depending on your personal style.

But let me add EWWWWW to Haven's creepy co-worker! How do they not notice all the PS bling going on and get the picture??

Whenever guys seem overly friendly with me, I tell Greg it must be UPGRADE TIME!!!!

LMAO...AND...true!

I love Haven's statement, and really everyone else's.

Quetiki, it is a tough pill to swallow when someone is interested in you and you aren't available at ALL!

With luck, you can just use some of these ladies' reasons/excuses and be done with it. If not, all's fair in love and war, and I would honestly have your loving husband contact the coworker and just tell him "hey buddy, would you like to come over to our house sometime and grill burgers/drink a beer?" Not only will it embarrass him...if it DOESN'T he will end up looking like an a$$ when he does come over.

Wishing you the best...~H

 

[phoenixgirl]

You've gotten good responses. I'd probably just tell the truth about the pumping myself. It's true, it reminds him that you have a family in case he's got any ideas . . . I can understand how you feel that it's personal and you don't want him thinking about your lady parts, but since I had to pump in a cubicle with just a shawl covering the entrance, I guess I'm no longer discreet in that area. I actually think it would freak him out and make him less likely to bring up the question again than just saying, "I'm too busy."

 

[janinegirly]

No male co-workers are overly friendly with me and my bling is conservative-so what's up with that? Just kidding.....

My tactic (which is prob why above is true) is to just be a cold b-iotch! I'm sure people would find it unfriendly, quiet, blah blah, but it works for keeping people at bay. I just hate being fake friendly with people I don't actually like - work is work and I'm cordial, but don't really want to get to know most people personally (beyond a few basic things) as bad as that sounds.

So in this case I would kind of coldly say "sorry, I almost never take lunches, I'm very busy" and then give off cold, dismissive vibe as they try to keep the chit chat going. Eventually he'll get it. If not, then it's time to get direct or find someone to intervene, but I'm sure he probably will take the hint. You probably just are too nice .

 

[rockzilla]

I'm going to take a different approach, as many of the posters seem pretty negative on this guy. So, he is either into you or not into you, and the answer to that question really dictates how you should respond. I would feel that out first by mentioning the husband, etc.

What I would NOT do is make up something like "oh, I always eat lunch at my desk" unless it is 100% true, because then you'll get some awkwardness when he runs into you chowing down with other coworkers at the local sandwich shop.

If you are able to ascertain (with reasonable certainty) that he is just being friendly, why not take him up on the lunch offer? I don't see how it can hurt to build relationships with other people in your organization, even if they are outside of your department or not obviously "useful" to you. I generally make it a policy to get to know as many people as I can. This isn't because I LOVE socializing (actually, I am decidedly an introvert) but because it makes sense to be on good terms with people and be well-liked, even among people at and below your professional level. I try to take every lunch invitation I get, even if its with the security guard or receptionist.

I've noticed that the people whose attitude is, "I'm just going to show up, do my job, and go home, so leave me alone" generally tend to not progress, or progress more slowly in their careers(exception may be very specific technical skills etc). They aren't as connected to the office as a whole, and while they may not have a bad reputation necessarily, they just may get forgotten about, don't hear about promotions or opportunities, don't get thought of when xyz comes up. It's kind of like credit: you can have good credit, bad credit or no credit. No credit is almost as bad as bad credit, even if you haven't done anything wrong!

I honestly don't see the harm in going to lunch with this guy one time. Go someplace casual, like Subway, pay your own way, flash your bling and drop your husband's name. Chat about work the majority of the time. You'll be fine.

 

[Ninna]

I know there is a chance that this man is just being friendly. If it was a job promotion type of thing, it would not be this uncomfortable for you.
Using a husband or lies as the excuse is unnecessary [imo] when you are wearing a ring to begin with. Plus, they are often married themselves
I'm the youngest at work, do enjoy socializing with the group but I'm also known to delete 'friendly' emails from men. Only one has gone out his way to contact me, clear -NO-loud enough for others to hear worked for me.

 

[Cehrabehra]

I know you said you would never mention it, but telling him you have to pump could be the best thing, plus it's totally honest. Even if it was a woman and you LIKED her you would not really be able to go because of your milky commitments

 

[janinegirly]

rockzilla, from what I read/interpreted the OP is not looking for interpretations on whether or not she should go to lunch but how to get out of it b/c she does not want to. She made it clear they are not even friendly. So I think most people went with that--she would know best since she's the one in the situation..and either way, hey if she does not want to go, then that is her choice.

I disagree that lunching advances one career. Of course social interaction does to some degree but is hinged on your line of work (which isn't tech and everything else), plus one can interact as necessary without socializing outside of the office. Alot of it comes down to personality and family situation too (when I was single it was a lot more likely I'd be out with co-workers outside of work). In terms of lunch w/co-workers one isn't friendly with --one person might say what's the harm, and another may frankly dread it--so it's down to individual preference. We're not talking group lunches, team events,etc.,potential relationship building in the business sense-- or at least that's not what I'm reading.

 

[qtiekiki]

Had been busy and just now checked on this thread.

Thank you for all of your suggestions and opinions. I wrote an email that thanked the guy for the offer, and said that I run errand during lunch and don't have time for lunch. I didn't mention my husband or kids. I figure I will use that only if the guy doesn't back off. He replied ok, that he just wants me to take him to a good Chinese restaurant and maybe next time on Friday 2011. I just left it at that.

This is definitely not a question on if I should go to lunch with the guy. It's not about socializing/networking for future promotions. I attend a lot of social events at work. I just don't want to go on a solo lunch with this guy, regardless of motives. I think it will be uncomfortable because we will need make conversations, instead of having conversations. I understand the importance of visibility for advancements, but I think it's better in a group setting.

As far as why this happens with the blings, the issue might be that I don't wear my rings to work. I do a lot of work in the field in some not-so-safe area, and can also work with heavy duty things that are connected to the sewer. So I prefer not to risk something happening to my blings. I never give thoughts to the fact that people would assume that there are problems in my marriage because of that since I don't personally make that association. DH asked if I want a plain band to wear for this purpose; I am considering it, but don't really feel like I need to prove something to someone, if that makes sense. With that said, my cube is covered with pics of my family (with DH).

Thanks again for taking your time to response.

 

[jaysonsmom]

When I get asked to lunch by a male co-worker, all I say is "Sure, who's else is coming? Mind if I ask so-and-so, she'd love to come I'm sure." That totally gets the point across that you're not interested in having lunch with him alone.

As a matter of fact, my department is really small (4 people), and my counterpart is a guy, and we hang out quite a bit because we understand each other's work. We also have lunch about once a week. Since we are both married, and have no ulterior motives, we always invite a few other people to join us for lunch.

 

[noelwr]

just wanted to say I found this thread very interesting. I work at a multi-international company and opposite sex coworkers going to lunch together is normal and never seen as anything other than lunch. the few people who are actually dating another colleague, never go to lunch together as they consider it unprofessional.

but anywho, I agree with what was said previously. if you really want this guy to leave you alone: just tell him you're pumping during lunch.

 

[Dreamer_D]

QT if you don't care what people think then don't wear rings. Me, I like sending a clear message to others that I am TAKEN so I wear a ring all the time, a plain gold when not the bling.