How to (re) bring it up????

[EyeElle]

Hi All,

So my bf and I have been discussing getting engaged for a while and we went ring shopping and everything. But we''ve been having some arguements lately and all talk of engagements have stopped.

We never argued, so we are both taken aback a bit because all of a sudden we are in a position we never were before and its kind of awkward now. I realize everyone argues and its normal and even healthy but its just a weird time right now.

Having said that, I want to know where things stand in regards to the engagement but I am not sure how to bring it up without making it look bad (as in things are a bit rocky and all I care about if getting engaged). It is just on the back of my mind and I just want to know whats going on .... wether he is reconsidering it, or thinking maybe we should wait off a bit more etc.

Any ideas how I can bring it up casually????

 

[mrscushion]

You know, the way you brought it up right there at the end of your post didn''t at all sound like you only care about the engagement. So, can you start the conversation in a similar way? I would just be honest and say, "listen, I''m sure you''ve noticed that we''ve been in more fights recently, which has been a weird feeling, particularly since we''ve been talking about getting engaged. How do you feel about it? Have these fights made you reconsider where we''re at in our relationship at all?" or something like that. I''m sure you''ll only come off as earnest and interested in your relationship as opposed to interested only in getting engaged.

 

[tlh]

"Roll over and say... thanks for the sex, so where is this going"

Honestly, when things are rocky I dont really know if there is a right time... it might feel awkward. I am not sure. I guess I need more info, if you don''t mind sharing. What was your argument about? Jobs, Money, Religion, Pets, ...? So, if you could give more info, whatever you feel comfortable with (ok to be lengthy, I know I am!) we could give you a little more direction or insight.

 

[PrincessLily2009]

Actually, I do tend to bring up serious topics after "doing the deed." I''m not sure if that''s healthy or not. I just sort of got into the habit since it seemed to be the only time when we were both calm, relaxed, and it''s one of the few times during the day that I have his full attention.

Personally, I wouldn''t bring it up until the arguing has subsided, but that''s just me. Since you feel like you need to bring it up, then just wait for a time when he''s not distracted or grumpy, and approach it gently like you did in your post. "I noticed that we''ve been arguing lately, and I was just wondering if you''re having doubts, changed your mind, questioning things, (however you want to word it)."

Also, I would try to be prepared as possible for an unpleasant answer.

 

[EyeElle]

Date: 2/6/2009 6:29:58 PM
Author: tlh
''Roll over and say... thanks for the sex, so where is this going''

Honestly, when things are rocky I dont really know if there is a right time... it might feel awkward. I am not sure. I guess I need more info, if you don''t mind sharing. What was your argument about? Jobs, Money, Religion, Pets, ...? So, if you could give more info, whatever you feel comfortable with (ok to be lengthy, I know I am!) we could give you a little more direction or insight.

I don''t mind sharing
We were having some arguments about where to settle down. We are from 2 different cities and naturally he wants to go back home and I want to stay where we are. We fought over it for a good 2 weeks I would say ... but the tension of that decision has been between us for about 1.5 months.

I should also add that we have decided to stay where we are (in my city) but the awkwardness and weird feelings are still lingering between us. I felt that once we made a decision we can proceed towards that and make it work, but its not like that. He gets in these depressed moods and is all grumpy most of the time.

And its this change in attitude and mood that makes me wonder where exactly this engagement stands. I don''t mind waiting for us to re-connect, but it would be good knowing .... right now I feel like a lady in waiting to wait lol if that makes any sense

 

[Definitely. Maybe]

Personally, I think that is a very big decision making argument. Where to live when you settle down. Lucky for me, FF and I are from the same town so it works out pretty well. Your FF has probably always thought that he would move back to his town to settle down and have his family. That is a big thing to just change and realize your *dreams* are going to be changed now. That is part of a relationship though, change and compromise. Since you are both from different parts, just look at it from his POV. I hope you don''t take this the wrong way, but how would feel if you had always pictured coming back home and you and FF chose his hometown? I know for me it would be hard for me to realize the actuality of the decision. Just give him time and be there for him.

Maybe you could talk more about living there and what it will be like when you are married and how often you can go back to his hometown. Help him to realize that it won''t be so hard and you want to visit his home too. Maybe by doing that he won''t be as depressed or grumpy and by talking about the future it should give you some idea of where the engagement lies.

 

[ckrickett]

Date: 2/6/2009 6:29:58 PM
Author: tlh
''Roll over and say... thanks for the sex, so where is this going''

Honestly, when things are rocky I dont really know if there is a right time... it might feel awkward. I am not sure. I guess I need more info, if you don''t mind sharing. What was your argument about? Jobs, Money, Religion, Pets, ...? So, if you could give more info, whatever you feel comfortable with (ok to be lengthy, I know I am!) we could give you a little more direction or insight.

Oh man I almost fell out of my chair!

Also. Wait to see whats up with the arguments. Work through them get to a better place in your relationship and then bring it up. I know when me and my SO are arguing the last thing he wants is me to start screaming the 4C''s at him...he might just scream back "fine I''ll get you a CZ"

But yeah engagements are supposed to be happy times nd a time of celebration, don''t let a little rough patch ruin that good time. I''m sure once you guys have figured stuff out you can both revisit and be in a better place to discuss it.

 

[tlh]

I ditto Def,maybe. I actually talked w/ my DH about your problem for a little male perspective. (Mainly because he is used to sacraficing for the girl who always gets her way.)

He said there are other factors involved that would factor to his feelings. He said if "I Won" and he was not happy, he would grow to resent me... even now, as his wife. (A little backdrop: We live 1500 miles away from all his close friends and family. We met across the country even though we both grew up going to rivalling highschools. So my close friends and family are also 1500 miles away. Only I am less shy, and am more easily able to make friends than he is. Our plan is eventually to move closer to home, and he said he would grow to resent me if that day never came.)

I asked him what these factors were. He said, well he doesn''t really know anyone where we are, and he often gets lonely. (is this the case?) So to help him w/ that, we do a lot of things together. He trains with me for my marathons, and I train with him for his triathlons. (He wants me to do the iron man with him, and I tell him to shove it.) My participating in activities HE LOVES, provides an excellent distraction... yup 5 am mile swims, 12 mile bike rides (I kinda draw the line around that area, because that is when my crotch goes numb.) But at the same token he''ll go off running 18-20 miles in my training runs to get me to cross the marathon finish line.

Another factor, the job. He now likes his job, I LOVE MINE. There was a position he had when he first moved out here that HE HATED. His manager really didn''t know boundries and she would make him (because he was a guy, gender bias much?) go out and pull weeds, etc. HE IS A FINANCE GUY. He hated this job, and it gave him such pleasure to storm in and quit it. If he were still working this job he hated, he said he would HATE me, then he nice''d it up a bit and said, would Loathe and resent me. Sweet huh?

He also said, that if he was still hot about the fact that "I won" he would be in the mood to talk about "where''s the ring". I married such a GROUCH! A few weeks of tension is not good though, however if the town you settled in, was with the intention of upcoming nuptuals... a convo might not be a bad thing. I think MSCUSHION said it best... just be direct and HONEST. If you are still having arguments, it is best to let the waters cool... but unless it is sexual tension, tension is never a good thing. Makes ya cranky, and the shoulders get all stiff and stuff.

ckrickett- glad I could make you laugh. EyeElle- I hope I could make you at least crack a little smile. I am just REALLY GOOFY and playful. It is part of my nature and as such I GET AWAY WITH A LOT OF CRAP. But you can never say I don''t do it w/o finesse. So really, BE YOURSELF. Dont put someone else''s words in your mouth, just be open and honest with him. If he is the man you want to marry, he is your partner. You are going to have disagreements, and there will be points of compromise. It is better to discuss your feelings openly than to sit and stew and wonder, cuz sometimes guys don''t notice, and sometimes they ignore your poutting on purpose. Which is why I throw temper tantrums.

I do think this is a big landmark decision, and you both need to be on board. This is not something to be thrown out against you later. It needs to be, a we both agreed this is the best place for us right now. and then, WHY is this city the best place for you. Line them up in your head... write them down, just dont pull out the list when he''s there and read it to him, then it seems rehearsed and sometimes lacks sincerity in their eyes. Because if the current city you live in is really the BEST place for the BOTH of you at this time and moment... then he is just having feelings of sadness. His vision of how he saw things is changing and that is bound to take a little bit of time.

Sorry to go on for such a long time. Hope this helps.!

 

[Haven]

It sounds like you want to talk to him about two things: 1) the current state of your relationship, and whether he still feels the same for you as he did a few months ago, and 2) your impending engagement.

I would not mix the two issues into one discussion. If you ask him whether your recent arguing has made him reconsider whether he wants to stay with you, then you''ll know the answer to the second issue.

Honestly, though, I highly doubt that a bit of arguing over a very important issue will make him change his feelings towards you and his plans for your future together. And if it does, then the relationship is really not stable enough to move towards marriage, anyway.

Good luck!

 

[EyeElle]

tlh - You have officially become my fav person here on PS! haha

My situation is EXACTLY the same and reading your story made me change how I perceive the situation and him. Oh and btw, I got a bit excited when I saw it was a long post ... meant there was some good stuff in there for me lol

I guess I wanted a quick fix, for a decision to be made and then we can forget about everything and move on. I am being selfish about things and I didnt really think about everything he gave up for me, all the sacrifices he made just to be with me.
I guess that in itself, shows that his feelings are just as strong as ever.

The whole resentement issue is a big thing here. Although he said he can "learn" to be happy here, I do feel that if for some reason he can''t be happy living where we are, he will resent me. And on the flip side, I feel great pressure to make sure that he is happy, because if he isn''t then I feel that its because of me, sicne he stayed for me.
And I am very worried that this will be a life-long thing with us, and that scares me because I dont want to constantly go back to this issue for the rest of our lives, even though that is a high possibility of that happening.

Thank you for sharing your story, it really made me feel better because I thought all this was in realtion to his feelings changing about me, when in reality it was a realization for him what he has to give up. I know I would be upset if I had to leave so I can only imagine how he feels now knowing he isn''t going back home.



Haven - I do agree, that maybe I should separate my issues. Will bring things up slowly at different times when we are together. That way he won''t get confused about what I am talking about and we can focus on one issue at a time.


Thank you for everyone who replied. This is my first time being part of a forum and discussing any personal issues on the internet and I have to say its been great lol Very much appreciated

 

[tlh]

Date: 2/7/2009 12:14:45 PM
Author: EyeElle
tlh - You have officially become my fav person here on PS! haha

My situation is EXACTLY the same and reading your story made me change how I perceive the situation and him. Oh and btw, I got a bit excited when I saw it was a long post ... meant there was some good stuff in there for me lol

I guess I wanted a quick fix, for a decision to be made and then we can forget about everything and move on. I am being selfish about things and I didnt really think about everything he gave up for me, all the sacrifices he made just to be with me.
I guess that in itself, shows that his feelings are just as strong as ever.

The whole resentement issue is a big thing here. Although he said he can ''learn'' to be happy here, I do feel that if for some reason he can''t be happy living where we are, he will resent me. And on the flip side, I feel great pressure to make sure that he is happy, because if he isn''t then I feel that its because of me, sicne he stayed for me.
And I am very worried that this will be a life-long thing with us, and that scares me because I dont want to constantly go back to this issue for the rest of our lives, even though that is a high possibility of that happening.

Thank you for sharing your story, it really made me feel better because I thought all this was in realtion to his feelings changing about me, when in reality it was a realization for him what he has to give up. I know I would be upset if I had to leave so I can only imagine how he feels now knowing he isn''t going back home.



Haven - I do agree, that maybe I should separate my issues. Will bring things up slowly at different times when we are together. That way he won''t get confused about what I am talking about and we can focus on one issue at a time.


Thank you for everyone who replied. This is my first time being part of a forum and discussing any personal issues on the internet and I have to say its been great lol Very much appreciated

YAY!!!!

Oh, and the sex thing works by the way.

Also, let him know, in small ways, how much what he gave up, means to you, for BOTH of you. Might help make the tension a little less, and the future conversation a little easier on both sides. I do think you hit the nail on the head though. He wouldn''t have stayed if he didn''t love you and want to marry you.

 

[hearts-arrows_girl]

I'm just curious, when you say you and your boyfriend have been discussing engagement and rings, did he bring it up, or did he just agree to talk about it and look at rings after YOU brought it up. I ask this because sometimes people know that if the subject is brought up and they say "Hey, I don't want to get married, the other person may leave, so they just go with the flow until it goes too far, then they start picking fights and distancing because they don't know how to back up the relationship once they have let it get too far. If this is not the case, or maybe he is rethinking the relationship because of the living geography problem, why not pick a place that is good for both of you. Or, maybe his dream of living in his hometown is as strong as your dream of getting married. It may seem like you are trying to get everything you want and he is getting shut out. You have to be careful, because if he does everything you want and nothing for himself in order not to avoid conflict, his resentment of you taking and not giving (even though he fully offered) will manifest itself and make things between you bad. It may be none of what I have described, but this has been how I have seen things unfold. Maybe you should pick your battle and choose either a wedding or a living situation, not both, as it seems this is what is happening now anyway. (you are living where you want, but the marriage talk seems to be off) It sounds like you can fix this.

I would not bring up engagement until whatever is wrong is better. Because bringing up engagement is the main subject of your post, not how can I fix our arguing, you may have been being slightly pushy on the engagement subject for awhile now. I'm not sure which is worse, having someone say they don't want to talk about getting engaged, or having someone fully agree to talk about it then having them back off when things go too far for their comfort zone. If you do bring up getting engaged again now, he may not give the answer you want then you will be mad that you brought it up. Believe me, he knows you want to be engaged and trying to force the issue will not work. Good luck, I hope my thoughts may help!