How to give a cat a pill

[Gailey]

Little sis sent me a joke this morning. Yes I am a cat lover, no I would never do this, but boy did it make me giggle!

How to give a CAT a pill

1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position left forefinger and thumb on either side of cat''s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat''s throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Elastoplast to spouse''s forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbour''s shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour a shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek, and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whisky compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Call fire brigade to retrieve cat from across the road. Apologize to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the casualty, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15. Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

How To Give A Dog A Pill.....

1. Wrap it in bacon.

2. Toss it in the air.

 

[risingsun]

I've read this before and almost died laughing

So true, so true

ETA: I've just copied it to Microsoft Word for future reference!

 

[Gypsy]

I''ve read it before too. And with my Duncan.. it''s true. He''s just smarter than us. The other two are easy... give them some pill pockets and the pill is gone.

Thanks for the laughs Gailey. I really needed that!

 

[LaurenThePartier]

Hehe, is there a similar guide for bathing a cat?

 

[Gypsy]

The Art of Bathing a Cat (Long Edition)
by allen 14. July 2008 15:28
1. Know that although the kitty cat has the advantage of quickness and lack of concern for human life, you have the advantage of strength. Capitalize on that advantage by selecting the battlefield. Don''t try to bathe him in an open area where he can force you to chase him. Pick a very small bathroom. If your bathroom is more than four feet square, we recommend that you get in the tub with the cat and close the sliding-glass doors as if you were about to take a shower. (A simple shower curtain will not do. A
berserk cat can shred a three-ply rubber shower curtain quicker than a politician can shift positions.)

2. Know that a cat has claws and will not hesitate to remove all the skin from your body. Your advantage here is that you are smart and know how to dress to protect yourself. We recommend canvas overalls tucked into high-top construction boots, a pair of steel-mesh gloves, an army helmet, a hockey face-mask, and a long-sleeved flak jacket.

3. Use the element of surprise. Pick up your cat nonchalantly, as if to simply carry him to his supper dish. (Cats will not usually notice your strange attire. They have little or no interest in fashion as a rule.)

4. Once you are inside the bathroom, speed is essential to survival. In a single liquid motion, shut the bathroom door, step into the tub enclosure, slide the glass door shut, dip the cat in the water and squirt him with shampoo. You have now begun one of the wildest 45 seconds of your life.

5. Cats have no handles. Add the fact that he now has soapy fur, and the problem is radically compounded. Do not expect to hold on to him for more than two or three seconds at a time. When you have him, however, you must remember to give him another squirt of shampoo and rub like crazy. He''ll then spring free and fall back into the water, thereby rinsing himself off. (The national record for cats is three latherings, so don''t expect too much.)

6. Next, the cat must be dried. Novice cat bathers always assume this part will be the most difficult, for humans generally are worn out at this point and the cat is just getting really determined. In fact, the drying is simple compared with what you have just been through. That''s because by now the cat is semi-permanently affixed to your right leg.

7. You simply pop the drain plug with your foot, reach for your towel and wait. (Occasionally, however, the cat will end up clinging to the top of your army helmet. If this happens, the best thing you can do is to shake him loose and to encourage him toward your leg.) After all the water is drained from the tub, it is a simple matter to just reach down and dry the cat. In a few days the cat will relax enough to be removed from your leg. He will usually have nothing to say for about three weeks and will spend a lot of time sitting with his back to you. He might even become psychoceramic and develop the fixed stare of a plaster figurine.

You will be tempted to assume he is angry. This isn''t usually the case. As a rule he is simply plotting ways to get through your defenses and injure you for life the next time you decide to give him a bath. But at least now he smells a lot better.

 

[isaku5]

I''ve read different variations of that one and every one of them makes me laugh. Thanks Gailey.

Lauren, a little advice about bathing a cat : Don''t even think about it!!

 

[Nomsdeplume]

ha ha ha! So true!

 

[jet2ks]

Date: 8/19/2009 2:28:43 PM
Author: LaurenThePartier
Hehe, is there a similar guide for bathing a cat?

As much as I like Gypsy''s, this is the version I have seen.


1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.
2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and have both lids lifted.
3. Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids (you may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape).
CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his paws will be reaching out for any purchase they can find.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a ''power wash and rinse'' which I have found to be quite effective.
6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself.
Sincerely,

The Dog

 

[radiantquest]

These are hilarious.

When my cat gets dirty I scold him. There is no way I will attempt a bath. I tell him that he is nasty and that he is a self cleaning animal and that he should handle it. In a day or so his appearance usually improves. I am not sure if it is from my scolding or he has finally noticed his own funk.

As far as pills go, I would put it in a pea. For some reason he looooves peas.

 

[Gailey]

Never tried to bathe any of our cats. Marginally less difficult than getting Mr Gailey into the Jewellery store I think!

 

[kenny]

You must resort to force.

It's the only way.

 

[MonkeyPie]

I am SO glad all my kitties clean themselves remarkably well. Lol and that they have never needed meds! One of them is too dumb to fight me off but the other two would eat my face instead of the pill!

 

[LGK]

Oh god the one/two times I had to bathe our Rat kitty it was quite the thing. He''d been sick, they''d hydrated him VERY well and he peed in his carrier on the ride home. (He kept flicking pee at me while I was driving 60MPH on the freeway. Fun! His aim was a thing of awesomeness and he actually got pee in my eye and mouth INSTANTLY.)

So, I had to bathe him. Filled up the tub a few inches, tossed him in- he was shockingly pretty good about it and basically just sat and let me wash him with only the occasional spaz, and no bloodshed at all.

Then I let him out of the bathroom. Beeline to the litterbox. Covered himself in litter and looked like an Almond Roca.

So, we had to go right back to the bathtub and wash him a couple more times. And then keep him in the bathroom to dry off this time!

Rat has two settings for grooming- catatonic and buzzsaw. If he gets scared enough he''ll go limp and let you do anything, and this is what all the professional groomers see him like and they''re all "oh what a good kitty, so patient!"- it''s so sad, it''s like he gives up the will to live. If he''s only marginally scared, for instance if I try to groom him at home, that''s when he decides to dismemberment sounds good. For only having back claws, he''s very effective at making you bleed profusely- he once bit my shoulder so hard, it bled under the skin down to the elbow and looked VILE. (It''s no shock he gets groomed professionally now.)

 

[risingsun]

Date: 8/19/2009 3:34:17 PM
Author: jet2ks

Date: 8/19/2009 2:28:43 PM
Author: LaurenThePartier
Hehe, is there a similar guide for bathing a cat?

As much as I like Gypsy''s, this is the version I have seen.



1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.
2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and have both lids lifted.
3. Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids (you may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape).
CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his paws will be reaching out for any purchase they can find.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a ''power wash and rinse'' which I have found to be quite effective.
6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself.

Sincerely,

The Dog

 

[LaurenThePartier]

OMG, I haven''t checked back on this thread all day, and I''m absolutely DYING here!!!! Thanks for the cat washing guide Gypsy, my friend!

 

[risingsun]

Date: 8/19/2009 8:52:59 PM
Author: LaurenThePartier
OMG, I haven''t checked back on this thread all day, and I''m absolutely DYING here!!!! Thanks for the cat washing guide Gypsy, my friend!

My daughter and I tried a variation of Gypsy''s cat washing guide. We both ended up in tears and went to bed exhausted...so did the cat

 

[DMBFiredancer]

As someone who has to pill a cat 2x a day, i know the struggle all too well!
This is a hysterical video I just had to share:
How TO Give a Cat A Pill

 

[LtlFirecracker]

OMG, I am laughing so hard. This is great. Keep them coming.

 

[gwendolyn]

Hahahah, love it!! But...is it wrong that these make me miss having a cat even more?