How to get though the break up blues

[vintagelover229]

So,
There have been a lot of break up threads or threads about the relationship being on the rocks. So I thought a thread about how everyone has gotten over a bad break up (especially ones where LOVE just isn't enough and the relationship just wasn't healthy) and what helped them the most to get over them. I figure a collection of songs (break up play list anyone!) with your favorite man hating songs and healing and anything else anyone wants to add including advice.

So ladies anything and everything to help you get over the break up and the break up blues would be wonderful in this thread.

As well as advice you WISH you had when you were going though it.

HUGS to all the ladies going though rough times in their love life. Don't settle for less than what you deserve, always shoot for the stars and if the man doesn't put a ring on it WALK because there is one out there that will.


A few of my favorite break up songs are: (I have a much bigger list but these are a few off the top of my head that I love)

I will survive by Gloria Gaynor
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZBR2G-iI3-I

It's getting better all the time by brooks and dunn
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FG0jsRgo8hE

Stay Gone by Jimmy Wayne
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ELjlvLTUFvA

Oh and of course you can't forget Single Ladies by Beyonce
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4m1EFMoRFvY



ETA: Also feel free to include links to past posters who've gone though break-ups so there a nice collection of advice for who ever wants to read it. If they has been any LIW leave the list and return we would LOVE to see those threads and advice from you ladies too!

 

[amc80]

Pink- So What
Any song that works in the word "tool" while describing an ex is alright by me.

As far as advice goes-

1) Have no contact. Don't try to be friends. Don't be friends on facebook. Don't text. Don't agree to keep in touch in order to check up on your families/pets/house/etc.

2) Get a hobby. Take a class. Join karate (kicking things is really therapeutic). Start a bunco club. Travel. Whatever. Be selfish. Take the time you need to make yourself feel better.

3) Every time you have a thought about getting back together, say the following: "As long as I'm with the wrong person I can't be with the right person."

4) Realize that it's normal to be hurt/crushed/sad/angry/etc. NORMAL. And you can't cure normal.

 

[gummy-bear]

On my last break-up I did the following to cope:

- Ceased all contact.
- Cut my hair.
- Got tickets to upcoming concerts.
- Tried new things (restaurant, activities).
- Got a new hobby.
- Spent more time with friends.

I think making changes made me feel different and reminded me less of the relationship. Looking forward to new things and filling your schedule so you don't have time to think helps too.

 

[wwmd8118]

Pink- So What
Any song that works in the word "tool" while describing an ex is alright by me.

BAHAHAHAHAHA! This made me laugh out loud. Very funny....and true.

I remember driving around in my car blasting "Since You've Been Gone" by Kelly Clarkson...but I guess that shows when the last time I had a breakup was. But that song hit home for me. And I completely agree with amc80 and gummy bear's lists. Definitely don't try to remain friends (at least not at first) because you won't get over it. Stop the calling, emailing, texting, Facebooking, everything. It's so hard at first but so much better in the long run. And relax and enjoy yourself. Get out and do things you like - being single can be very fun, so enjoy it! Also, once you stop missing the ex or worrying about meeting someone new, it's amazing how quickly guys come out of the woodwork.

 

[amc80]

I remember driving around in my car blasting "Since You've Been Gone" by Kelly Clarkson...

This made me think of another one- White Horse by Taylor Swift. I listened to this over and over and over...this part spoke to me...especially the bold part:

And there you are on your knees
Begging for forgiveness, begging for me
Just like I always wanted but I'm so sorry

Cause I'm not your princess, this ain't a fairytale
I'm gonna find someone someday who might actually treat me well
This is a big world, that was a small town
There in my rearview mirror disappearing now

And its too late for you and your white horse
Now its too late for you and your white horse, to catch me now

 

[GamerGirl]

Ok - I'm admittedly still in the middle of it all here but a song that I really like is Nickel Creek: Somebody More Like You: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y--lXx97I8k -- it isn't quite as in your face as some of the other great songs listed but has that little twist that makes me smile. My favorite part:

I hope you finally find someone,
someone that you trust and give him everything.
I hope you meet someone your height
so you can see eye to eye
with someone as small as you.

Gummy-Bear == my break up "to-do" list is almost exactly the same as what you have listed.

Keep the songs coming ladies - I'm thinking of FINALLY buying an Ipod (I know I must be the only person on the planet without one!) and getting a nice soundtrack set up sounds like fun

 

[decodelighted]

Get ANGRY. Get good and LIVID. That's the key. That's the turning point. And it WILL happen! Pamper yourself. Treat yourself super kindly, like you are your own boyfriend. Make special meals for yourself. Get that mani pedi & massage. (Even if its at a beauty school for cheap!) Start a new sport or hobby. Something that takes ATTENTION. LIke learning a language or training for an event or weekly classes. If you really wanna meet new people: volunteer. There aren't too many spoiled brat manchildren working in Soup Kitchens.

But its all sobbing and wanting to call him UNTIL YOU GET FURIOUS. Write down every rotten thing he's ever done. Every lie he's ever told. Every broken promise. That'll get you going.

YOU are a complete sentence. Enjoy being able to get to know the most important person in your life a little better.

 

[suchende]

My last break-up, I 1) got a pet rat 2) dyed my hair 3) studied for the LSAT around the clock and beat my ex by 1 point

The last part was the sweetest

 

[OUpearlgirl]

Last break up I..

1) Jammed out to Bette, Diane, and Goldie's version of "You Don't Own Me" ten bajillion times.

2) Started exercising every time I got mad or upset (damn, I got skinny!!)

3) Spent more time with girlfriends, sometimes doing things that didn't sound particularly fun.

4) Once I felt ready, went on dates with nearly everyone that asked.

5) Found a new hobby to throw myself into

Now that I'm older, I'd probably buy myself a sparkly present, just because I could.

 

[HopeDream]

Weird Al's One More Minute http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=spZzKtjIRZg

cheesey, but fun.

 

[lliang_chi]

I definitely agree with focusing on the "ME" time. DO all the things you can to make "ME" better. This is what I did.

1. Work out, play sports, go to the gym
2. Go back to school (I did this), take a class, learn a language
3. Travel
4. Start a project, e.g. redecorate, build something, make something. I redecorated my apartment

The last thing I'd say is hang out with friends. I didn't actually have friends or family that were local to me, so I did all of the above.

All in all, it's about ME again, and there's nothing wrong with that.

Don't have any break up songs, I'm so not hip and cool. But you ladies have the right attitude.

 

[pancake]

I have only had one really awful horrendous difficult (normal!) breakup b here are my thoughts.

Helpful things :

• Having friends to "tag-team" me through the early days. I was not good at being alone.

• Having friends who I had to "default to" if I was ever tempted to call the ex - ie. Get the urge to call him, call friend instead

• After the initial fog, filing my days with things that had nothing to do with the relationship - listening to music, reading books, seeing old friends

• Having a book to reiterate all the advice my family and friends were giving me. Somehow having it in a book seemed to validate common wisdom

• Counselling

• Remembering that this could have happened later, eg after get married/a mortgage/having children, and realizing that the breakup when it happened was much better in the long term

• Having friends constantly remind me that what I was going through was normal and that it would not - could not - go on forever! I didn't believe it for ages but it helped to keep hearing it.

Not helpful to me were:

• Anything along the lines of "there is someone better out there" - I found anything that phrased my recovery iwith reference to relationships or my ex counterproductive and overall the most important thing was to focus solely on myself and my own life, friends, family and interests. Looking at any of these in the context of previous or future relationships didn't really help me and in fact made me feel defined by my relationships.

 

[decodelighted]

On the song front: I'm addicted to Adele's "Rolling In The Deep" ... it's pretty torturous but ultimately victorious. Soulful. Checks it out if you haven't already.

 

[faded264]

Well, I haven't read all of the previous posts, but here goes

Make yourself go out, even if you don't feel like it. Get all dressed up and go out and flirt with everyone. Even if you're not in a position where you feel you could start another relationship, there is no harm in having fun. If you dwell and sit around the house doing nothing, you're likely to be sad for longer.

Find friends who go out often and will encourage you to come out with them.

Get a hobby. Do something fun and interesting.

Gain self confidence in some way. Even if you're already a confident person, find something to do that makes you feel even better about yourself. Guys like girls with self confidence.

Don't be afraid to cry.

Treat yourself to something nice. Go get a pedicure, hair cut, new clothes, whatever.

My song recommendation:

A Little Bit Stronger by Sara Evans

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=22zB6Soc2Gk

and

Little Miss by Sugarland

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xCj9dRu0ksM

 

[iheartscience]

1. Be single. For a WHILE. At least a year.
2. Get angry. Anger truly does heal all break up wounds. And when you stop feeling even a TWINGE of anger, maaaaaybe then you can start dating other people.
3. Go on a trip.

When I broke up with the last guy I dated before meeting my husband, I had a Single Year. I told everyone I knew that it was my Single Year and I wasn't going to even kiss a guy. And I didn't! I didn't flirt, date, kiss, NOTHING for a year and 2 months, until I met my now-husband. And we lived happily ever after-the end!

Seriously, you cannot be happy with someone else if you're not happy with yourself. FACT.

ETA you really can't beat early Alkaline Trio for angsty relationship songs! "Radio" is a great one. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r2qerZ8KOrU

 

[junebug17]

I really like "Let It Rain" by Keri Noble.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q6BiKarbzCo

 

[faded264]

If you really wanna meet new people: volunteer. There aren't too many spoiled brat manchildren working in Soup Kitchens.

Omg, I LOLed. Haha. Definitely agree though.

 

[GamerGirl]

On the song front: I'm addicted to Adele's "Rolling In The Deep" ... it's pretty torturous but ultimately victorious. Soulful. Checks it out if you haven't already.

Deco - Ahhh, I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE me some Adele. The whole new album is pretty emotionally crushing but so beautiful and interesting to listen to. My other favorites on that CD are Take It All and Somone Like You with a little retro sounding song Rumor Has It that is pretty awesome too.

 

[princesss]

Here's what I've been doing (now 8 months post break up):

- Bought new clothes. I realized that not only had I lost weight, but I'd stopped buying cute clothes (because who was I trying to impress?). So I was frumpy and wandering around in clothes a size or two too big. I got some pants altered, donated the rest, and bought a bunch of new clothing that I feel great in. And it felt DAMN good to pay cash for my gorgeous, expensive, ridiculously extravagant designer jeans without having my ex giving me the "You paid how much for those?" look.

- Started getting back into the gym. I let that slide because we worked opposite schedules and I wanted to spend time with him. Now that it's just me and it's only the cats waiting for me at home, I hit the gym (and hit it HARD) or play sports. I work out on average 5 times a week now, and am finally going to suck it up and pay money to join an actual gym (you know, the kind where you meet people instead of being alone in the basement of your office). Also, going back to step one, I need to buy cuter workout clothes - I scoped out the gym with the best price to attractive guy ratio, so I need to look good once I get in there!

- I started listening to different radio stations. Radio stations with songs about being single and excited rather than radio stations with songs about love and romance. It was definitely a mental shift. I'm back to NPR now, but a few months of Top 40 did me good.

- Find a team sport to play. Preferably one that attracts good-looking, athletic men. (Can you tell I'm all about the eye candy?)

(Okay, I'm realizing that I have no good tips if you're not super active. But being active is a great way to make sure you're not sitting on your couch moping and watching chick flicks and worshipping at the alter of the ex boyfriend.)

- Re-arrange your furniture. It's worth the stubbed toes and bruised shins for a few days to give yourself a mental refresh.

- Change your hair! New cut, new colour, whatever - hell, just put a clear glaze on and have pretty, shiny hair!

I'll add more as I think of them, but these have been the big ones.

 

[kelpie]

My last break-up, I 1) got a pet rat 2) dyed my hair 3) studied for the LSAT around the clock and beat my ex by 1 point

The last part was the sweetest

Ha ha ha ha...I feel like we're the same person in parallel universes. My ex beat me though.

 

[rosetta]

If he can't see how fabulous you are, then it's his loss.

And who gives a flyin' rat's a$$ about him then?

I'm not the wallowing type and moved straight on to the "f*** you I'm done here" phase.

It's served me well and though I hope never to go through that again, I have not one single second of doubt that if my fiance treated me badly then he would be booted out the door faster than you can say "extreme prejudice".

I cant love someone who isnt worth loving. Just can't do it.

I go straight to angry and set up camp.

FI once said "Rosetta, you make an amazing friend but by god, as an enemy you are magnificent!"

My reply: "it's a gift" 

 

[Winks_Elf]

Find an animal shelter to volunteer at on weekends. Playing with the furry critters can make you feel a lot better.

Got any money saved up? Take a trip, even if it's just a long weekend, somewhere fabulous that your ex would never expect you'd go to...and not somewhere he always wanted to go to. This is just for YOU.

 

[Asu]

I'm a huge Avril Lavigne fan,and her music got me trough a lot of heartbreaks and hard moments. let me link my favourite ones
Push (maybe you should just shut up,even when it gets tough,baby 'cause this is love)
http://youtu.be/zsmj8xT37QA?hd=1
Everybody hurts (Everybody hurts some days It's okay to be afraid)
http://youtu.be/u9Ayk_-rXaY
not enough (You didn’t listen You didn’t hear me When I said I want more I got no more)
http://youtu.be/7WGUdQQc-Dg
remember when (These feelings I can’t take no more This emptiness in the bottom drawer )
http://youtu.be/_jyX0snJRP4
goodbye (Goodbye my love I can't hide Can't hide Can't hide what has come)
http://youtu.be/aHBX6M_iILE
alice (not a breakup song,but it's empowering)
(I, I'll get by I, I'll survive When the world's crashing down When I fall and hit the ground I will turn myself around Don't you try to stop me)
http://youtu.be/ZgeJyX_u0r4
and a couple of old ones that I love
I can do better (yes girls,you do!!!)
http://youtu.be/vIF0YMFo0tE
everything back but you
http://youtu.be/bZyWpdOi700
alone
http://youtu.be/rpa5QwBlODc
together
http://youtu.be/eNf272pZ0EA
he wasn't
http://youtu.be/D0lNxPopHeQ
my happy ending
http://youtu.be/lpotGBIibFo
fall to pieces (one of my all time favourites)
http://youtu.be/wyblL-qX5zI
forgotten
http://youtu.be/f329HJQ7mPs
keep being strong girls!

 

[pinkstars]

Oh ladies, as someone who is just going through this I appreciate all of the advice! Thank you so much!

 

[suchende]

My last break-up, I 1) got a pet rat 2) dyed my hair 3) studied for the LSAT around the clock and beat my ex by 1 point

The last part was the sweetest

Ha ha ha ha...I feel like we're the same person in parallel universes. My ex beat me though.

are you a rat lover too?

 

[hearts-arrows_girl]

My favorite break up song was Time for me to Fly" by REO Speedwagon (Sorry for the oldie, my big breakup was 20+ years ago)


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TGwCP2hX2FM&feature=related

I took a really great Psychology class relating to Self Awareness. I loved the class and having to be somewhere other than work helped.

I bought my first home. (I wouldn't do it while with the ex because I knew I would leave him when I got the strength) First loves are the hardest to leave.

 

[Brown.Eyed.Girl]

Ok, so I broke up with my BF of three years back in August. At one point we even had a timeline for getting married; needless to say, the relationship was serious. I also moved back home with no job, single, and not happy.

What I did:

1) I got bangs. My ex hated my bangs (FWIW they are really cute! They're the long, swept to the side bangs) so back they came
2) Joined a gym, started doing yoga and zumba regularly, and within a couple months was feeling great and looking great.
3) Got a new hobby - I started skiing. I fell absolutely, head over heels in love with skiing and I just hit my 18th ski day. I'm also pretty darn good at it! (I did my first real black diamond yesterday actually!)
4) I hung out a lot with friends - one of my BFFs lives in town, and I also got to see a lot of friends over the holidays. I also made an incredible group of friends through my gym and skiing, and I've also gotten to be friends with quite a few of the people who work at my home mountain.
5) I met a guy, dated this guy, had fun, and after a few weeks it ended. And you know, that was EXACTLY what I needed.
6) Oh and I threw myself into figuring out my life - so no more law, applied for Master of Education programs, was accepted to all the programs I applied to, and I will be moving to the Bay Area this JUNE to start

And honestly, I am happier now that I have been in over three years. I am so excited for my new life, for my new career path, and I am so happy about all that has happened this past 8 months or so. I was so depressed at the thought of moving back, but honestly, it's been a great gift - it's allowed me to do things for myself, find happiness again (and not happiness reliant on a guy), form new friendships and find new hobbies and obsessions, and yeah, being single sucks sometimes, but it DOES let you hit on really hot ski instructors.....

 

[INdmbLove]

1) DO NOT Date or try to replace your ex TOO SOON.... Oh, man- I made this mistake, and fell into the hands of someone that took advantage of it.... CRUSHED... Take your time, until YOU are truly mentally ready.

2) I bought myself a few really nice things. Expensive purse, new clothes, a few electronics... Some things to make me excited about ME, and made me feel pretty.

3) Spent a lot of time with my BFF of over 20+ years- she also went through a break-up at the same time... So we spent a lot of time just talking, laughing and re-developing our friendship. I wouldn't trade any of those memories from our "crazy period"... we kept a journal full of funny quotes, emails and situations that we went through that made us laugh til we cried... We were spontaneous (especially me) and kind of kept each other in check. Looking back, I can't believe some of the shananigans that we went through--- but laughter and keeping each other "busy" was truly the best remedy!

4) Spending some time on my own. After 7 years... I had kind of forgotten about who I was... ON MY OWN-- It hurt for me to be at home alone... so I spent a lot of time just driving in my car- music blasting- sometimes crying- and deciding just who I was and where I wanted to go.

5) I got a tattoo. I'd advice that you just do something like... color your hair, cut your hair... get a henna tattoo. Not that I regret mine completely- its small and cute... But, there are definitely times I wish I didn't have it--- So... do something you've always wanted to do- Just make sure you can live with it for the duration that it 'lasts'.

6) Work out! Feel good about how you look... always made me feel awesome when the dress sizes went down.

 

[DolceJo]

Get ANGRY. Get good and LIVID. That's the key. That's the turning point. And it WILL happen! Pamper yourself. Treat yourself super kindly, like you are your own boyfriend. Make special meals for yourself. Get that mani pedi & massage. (Even if its at a beauty school for cheap!) Start a new sport or hobby. Something that takes ATTENTION. LIke learning a language or training for an event or weekly classes. If you really wanna meet new people: volunteer. There aren't too many spoiled brat manchildren working in Soup Kitchens.

But its all sobbing and wanting to call him UNTIL YOU GET FURIOUS. Write down every rotten thing he's ever done. Every lie he's ever told. Every broken promise. That'll get you going.

YOU are a complete sentence. Enjoy being able to get to know the most important person in your life a little better.

Gahhh you made me cry.... thank you so, so very much for this <3

And these two songs are getting me through this horrible and nasty breakup, and brings out the pain through song... but I know that with every tear I cry, it brings me that much closer to getting over him. Just wish tears didn't fall like rain...

Adele - Rolling In The Deep
http://youtu.be/rYEDA3JcQqw
(Before and leading up to the break-up, this is how I was feeling)

Adele - Don't You Remember
http://youtu.be/RDRwqTNLGDs
(Past few days I've been feeling like this)

 

[briolette]

This is a great idea of a thread! Thanks for starting it, Vintage Lover.

I highly recommend the site www.futureme.org.. You can write your self messages to the future. I'd write angry rants about the bad, reminisce about the good, commend myself for things I was doing right (no matter how small) and send them. As the days went by and I would get my letter, I'd read them and it would give me that extra boost--a reminder of how well I've come along so far. It's like a journal that comes to you for reflection time.

Another thing I did was work out. Like, a lot. I got into the best shape of my life, ran, did weight training, upped the number of dance classes.

I also got into cooking and baking. I really enjoy cooking and at first it would remind me of the meals I would share with my significant other so it was hard to start back up at first. However, I ended up focusing my energies on cooking for my friends and family...then it became dinner parties, and pot lucks and having warm social interaction around me really helped me get over my ex.

Something I didn't like doing was watching movies and eating at a restaurant alone. At first I'd get my best gal pal to come out with me, but in instances where I was alone, I'd tell myself that I was on assignment to review the film or restaurant. Soon, I started to enjoy going out alone! I started blogging about my reviews, etc.

I started to focus on my music and art seriously again. It put me in contact with friends who shared the same hobbies and eventually I ran into an old friend of mine and we started dating... If you do activities that you love, you're bound to meet folks who share the same hobbies.

I've discovered that love tends to find you. You don't have to go out and look for it. Focus on yourself. Love yourself. And good energy will come your way.