How to get him NOT to write his own vows

[weemodin]

My boyfriend and I are getting married January 8, 2005. We''ve just entered the "planning stage" -- I don''t have the ring yet, but it''s been purchased and is "under construction" at the jeweler. So we''re more or less engaged and we''ve begun to talk about wedding details.

Here''s a snag we''ve run across: He really wants us to write our own vows. I really really loathe the idea. I''m a very traditional sort of bride, and I want the good old Book of Common prayer style vows. It''s the way I''ve always pictured my wedding to be.

Not only am I against the idea, but my family would CRACK UP LAUGHING if we recited our own vows. Yes, perhaps they are rude and cynical, but I''ll admit that I would crack up laughing if they wrote their own vows, too. We''re a relentlessly sarcastic bunch, and I love that. We truly get some measure of entertainment from poking fun at one another. Hey, each family is different.

The point is: I know that I could try Really Really hard not to laugh during my own wedding if we wrote our own vows, and I could possibly succeed. My family, however, doesn''t have a chance. In fact, if I told them it would hurt my FHs feelings, it would make them laugh even more (and it would make me laugh too if I was in their shoes... yes we''re a cruel bunch

) In fact, I''m fairly certain that I''d never live it down. Our "poetic wedding" would be shown over and over for all to see every time we got together and had more than a few glasses of wine, and I''m afraid that FH''s feelings would be hurt.

I don''t want to ruin his idea of romance by forbidding him to write his own vows, but I do want to spare him the constant harassment by my family if he does write his own vows! Please help! I feel like such a B*%ch asking him not to do this, as it is his wedding too, but I really think the wedding would go by soo much less comically if we stuck to the old standards!

By the way, I have nothing against other people who write their own vows... okay, I might laugh at them, but they are sweet. It''s just that my family and my friends are absolutely intolerant of anything cheesy, as am I. It''s like that episode of sex and the city that was on last week -- and I''m Miranda.

Help! I don''t want to be mean!!

 

[sumi]

HAHAHAHHA! I had to laugh at this post because I know EXACTLY where you are coming from. I have no tolerance for anything cheesey either. I also get a little embarrassed when I see couples on TV who write their own super cheesey vows. (which doesn't mean it can't be done without overdoing the cheese. I've seen a few couples do a pretty good job of it.)


Does he know that you're against the idea? I usually think just coming out and telling him exactly where you're coming from is the best way to go. However, it seems like in this case that he'd be really hurt by that. Why don't you exchange personalized vows in private? Maybe when the whole wedding/reception is over you can do a little tiny private ceremony (just the two of you) and recite your own written vows together. Or you can exchange them on the first night of your honeymoon at whatever romantic location you go to. Maybe tell him it would mean so much more to you if you could exchange those privately so it's something that only you guys have that's only for the two of you.

 

[winyan]

Well, I don't think your own vows are necessarily cheesy, however, I think Sumi is on the right track here, with the personal vows.

If he loves you that much that he's willing to wrack his brains to come up with how much in his own words, I think that's pretty special.

I can see, however, not wanting to share it with others, even if it's your own family.

win

 

[Daniela]

As a future bride who hate cheesy stuff too, I had a good laugh at your post. I would freak if my fiance wanted to write his own vows. And then after reading your post I immediately thought, "Well, when she explains it like that, how could he not understand?" He's got to know you well enough by now to know that you hate that kind of thing. Just tell him no, tell him why, and call it a day.

I like the idea of the private vows, if he has to get his fill of cheese.

 

[Mara]

You poor thing!! You must have a new age male.

We were watching InStyle Celebrity Weddings this week...well actually I was watching it and Greg was pretending to read his paper at the table but sneaking peeks at the TV...and on some of the sappier parts...he is over there making barfing sounds. Yes this is my fiance..who is 35..HAHA.




It's just that he doesn't have any tolerance for sappy stuff, thank god because I am not like that either. BUT to be honest, I wouldn't mind having something a little personal in the vows, not sappy necessarily (nothing like...the sun and moon shone in your eyes the moment I saw you), but personal and true to our relationship. But when I asked him if he wanted to write his own vows, he looked at me for a minute then said...well not really..but do you want me to? NO not if he doesn't want to...which I figured he wouldn't. So we are going to do the traditional thing, with maybe a little added stuff here and there...but I am okay with going classic. Honestly, I think that the classic traditonal vows will choke me up more than poetic sun and moon crap anyway.

One way to keep your man in check on the vows could be for YOU to start them, piecemeal them together with bits and pieces of other ones you like. Then give him the working script, with a section set aside for him, and have him write in a few lines. Maybe that is a nice compromise, using something that appeals to you on a more traditional level and adding in a few things that do mean something to both of you. That way it's not 20 minutes of sappiness in his own words, but rather a few key lines.

 

[antiquediamond]

Mara - We had almost the EXACT same conversation during InStyle celebrity weddings! I definitely don't think we could pull off writing our own vows, and I'm an English teacher! I am, however, looking forward to having three poems read by friends of mine in the wedding..."somewhere i have never traveled" by e.e. cummings, "When You Are Old" by Yeats, and the Apache Wedding Blessing. There's so much going on in the weeks/days that precede the actual wedding that I just don't think I'd be able to put my all into it. Weemodin - Perhaps the officiant could read your vows and you could repeat them. That may be a good compromise...kl

 

[chris-uk04]

I would just ask him how he can “top” the traditional vows. They say it all about love and true commitment. There’s no grey area. What else can he possible say “To give a foot massage when you have a bad day”?

 

[Rand_alThor]

Weemodin, I want to try and add a guy's perspective to your post. Like you and your husband to be, my girlfriend and I are in the exact same stage of our relationship. The ring is coming and soon after, the wedding. At the moment, I'm not sure if I want to write my own vows or even how my girlfriend feels about them, because we haven't talked about the subject.




I do want to say though that no matter what your family thinks, it is the two of you that are getting married. It is just as much his wedding as is yours. If he feels that writing his vows would add a personal touch to the wedding then I say why not? After all marriage is a lots of love and little bit of compromise.




The problem then, you state is that his vows would make you and your family laugh. Your family may be mean by laughing during or after the wedding but can you honestly tell me that you will look at your husband-to-be saying his vows ( no matter how cheesy) during your wedding and laugh at him?




Let me quote an example: During my girlfriend's brithday party, some friends coerced the DJ to have me walk up and propose a toast to my girlfriend. That totally caught me off guard, because I was I unprepared. I walked up to the DJ, took the microphone from him, looked at my girlfriend straight in her eyes and proposed a toast. Was it cheesy? It probably was, but you know she looked at me and knew that I was sincere in what I said and what I meant. I didnt care about what her family thought or our friends thought and neither did she.




Have you ever been in a situation where your significant other has done something slightly embarassing? What did you do? Laugh at them or stand by them.




My humble suggestion, give it a try. Let him write something and then discuss it with you. You can do some heavy editing, if need be. As far as your family is concerned, I'm sure you know best how to handle them.




20 years from now, when you look back at videos of your wedding, I doubt you'll laugh at his vows.

 

[Mara]

Well Rand..it really depends on what he says.




My guy is not romantic but when he says sweet things sometimes, I am touched.




However, if he was spouting crap like my eyes are the moon lit up by radiance and I touched his heart with my smile....ummm YEAH...I think I would have a problem keeping a straight face. I think it also depends on the PERSON and people involved...I am not sappy or romantic at all...and find it's more about the little things in life than words. My fiance is the same way...so if he suddenly got all poetic on me..I would have to suppress a giggle.




For example, if anyone who watched the Bachelorette with Trista and Ryan saw his cheesy poems about her eyes...OH MY GOD. Yeah that would be hard for me to keep a straight face.




But my fiance gave me a card for Xmas last year that was one of the best cards I have ever received. It simply said...'I don't know if it could be called fate or just luck...but I do know that you are the best thing that ever happened to me'. I still have that card up on the chalkboard in the kitchen. That touches me.

 

[Hest88]

Ugh. I'm also anti-personal vows. Fine for some people I suppose, but I'd have to really love them to not find it cheesy. Of course, I'm also someone who is rather private, so I didn't want my emotions splashed up for an audience. We ended up using the 1928 version of the Book of Common Prayer, which had some old-fashioned touches I liked and made it a bit different, but still traditional.

For our readings, we also choose two very personal poems, instead of the ones we usually hear. As a result, we felt we had a wedding that was just personal enough without being squirm-inducing.

Weemodin, perhaps you can just say that you don't really want to go through the hassle of writing your own vows? And if you're not going to do it it would be silly for him to do it? As a compromise, he could save his "vows" for his speech at dinner. People expect more personal stuff in those speeches, so it might seem less cheesy too.

 

[weemodin]

I've got to say, as callous as it might sound, Rand_alThor, I very well might laugh at him during the ceremony if he was reciting his own self-crafted vows. This might happen even if his vows didn't reference, say, the way my beautiful green-gray eyes remind him of the seas off of the shores of Galicia, the way my glowing smile can both light up a room and quiet crying children in an instant, or how the first time he met me he knew that fate had smiled upon him and bestowed him with the most divine gift of love at first sight.

You ask what I've done in situations where my significant other has done something slightly embarassing? I've rolled my eyes and laughed at him!

Now, now, before you run off and deem me a cruel and cynical witch with a heart of stone, I do admit that in PRIVATE situations, I can tolerate and appreciate some good old heartfelt cheese -- but let me say that I prefer Roquefort over Velveeta, unless of course the Velveeta happens to be mixed with a can of Ro-tel and served with tortilla chips.

What can I say? I fall victim to the giggles quite easily. I prefer to think that I have a fabulous sense of humor

. Or perhaps I'm just evil.

Either way, my boyfriend likes me just the way I am... or if not, he'd better let me know soon so I can show him the door!

And also: it's NOT just as much his wedding as it is mine. We've already decided that I'm doing the vast majority of the planning. My family is paying for it, too. Thus, it is MOSTLY my wedding!

What guy has dreamed of his wedding day since he was 6 years old?

In all fairness, I am willing to give him something here. BUT -- The wedding is mostly mine. The wedding night and honeymoon, however, are mostly his

.

 

[jenibear]

Weemodin -
If I had your feelings my honey would be VERY hurt. He's VERY romantic and there's nothing cheesy about the way he is romantic.
We are writing our own vows at his suggestion - well really a short add-on to the traditional vows to make it personal. I'm sure my eyes will not be mentioned. I'm sure he'll talk about our relationship. And I'm positive he'll spark a chuckle or two as well as some tears. He's a very good writer - as he gets paid to write!
Maybe you guys should sit down and have a frank talk about it. You can have what you both want by doing something similar to what we are doing. Maybe you guys can each write two lines to say after the vows.
Why don't you let him give it a shot and see what he writes? If you give the vows a final once over to ensure they are not cheesy, then what's the harm?
He loves you enough to reveal his heart and I give the guy a ton of credit.
Good luck.

 

[Nicrez]

I just had this discussion with my guy and he's all about the vows being personalized. He's also a lot more involved (and wants to be) in the major details of the whole marraige process. Our case is a difficult one, as we are both different cultures, and my parents have "not yet come around", so we are definately going to have some wedding issues. We may try to have a unique ceremony (a very small group on an island) and perhaps a traditional ceremony and then a seperate ceremony for his beliefs after. Either way, I suppose our adversity and our need to band together against people who may not see things as we do makes us realize that this wedding is not mine. It's not his. It's ours, just like all the problems and joys we will both have in the future.

I know these almost sound like vows, but honestly, I think
that your husbands will be there, part of all your wishes, your problems, your issues, your happinesses...so why shouldn't he be part of your wedding.

Before everyone says that you have dreamed of this day (and wedding details) since you were a kid, haven't you MOST wanted someone to share things with? Not just the bad times, but the good times, and THAT'S what marraige is. Within reason (no football themes), he should be invited to add his preferences into the wedding as well...Women will always fawn over the flowers, the dress, the matching shoes for bridesmaids, but the intimate and essential parts of the marraige that make it a special day for you TWO should be shared by the two people. Compromise is also a key to any happy marraige, weather 10 years later of just the first day of it...

Just my $.02, and although I may not get an Amen on this, just think about it a bit before you want to laugh at a guy who wholeheartedly wants to share the best day of both of your lives with something he took effort to express into words.

Even if it's cheasy, you should stand up for him against your family (if that's what it takes) and reinforce his right to say it, and your luck at having someone who truly cares enough about you to WANT to do it. He's probably not a spotlight hog, he is just moved by the moment and weight of the day and wants to best express that to you when he can let everyone know how special you are to him.

Me personally, I would love to have that crowd of people listening to how much he and I love each other (cheasy or not), but we aren't all that fortunate, so be happy you are blessed with both him and your family as an audience. When you put your foot down against them, they stop laughing. Trust me. But you have to undestand that being loved and his expressing it, isn't a laughing matter...it's a blessing.

and if all else fails, have him say the vows at the reception, instead of the church or chapel...