How soon is too soon to be talking about marriage?

[Resonance.Of.Life]

The bf brought it up the other day and we've been barely dating for 4 months. Usually, I feel this is too soon.. but with him things just feel right.

How about you ladies? When did you or your so bring up marriage?

 

[amc80]

We started talking to it 4-5 months end. We both went into the relationship with the understanding that each of us had marriage as a goal...so if we had known by that point that it wasn't a possibility, we wouldn't have still been dating.

It's funny, when you hear people talking about marriage really early on in a relationship you think they are crazy. But when it happens to you, it's just natural.

 

[PrincessNatalie]

I dont think there is a textbook "Too Soon", but if either party feels uncomfortable then its probably too soon for that particular relationship.

 

[lovemybling]

I think it depends on you. Each relationship is different. But I can say that my hubby and I started talking about marriage about 6 months in. We have been together 19 years. I think when things feel right, things just click into place.

Good luck and don't over think it.

 

[jaysonsmom]

We started talking about marriage at around 1 month into the relationship, and we were engaged around the 4-5 month mark. We have now been married 10 years! I think it depends on the couple, their ages, where they are in life, and whether things just click. We clicked big time and he was rght in front of me the whole time (we were co-workers).

 

[HopeDream]

After 3 days of dating FI asked me if he could marry me, and I told him he was crazy.
After about a year I realized I would be happy marrying him
A respectable 3 years later we talked about it again seriously and at 4 years we go engaged.

I think there's no problem talking about it right away, marrying before knowing someone at least a year could be disasterous.

 

[vintagelover229]

We pretty much started talking about it right away. We both are no BS kind of people and with that topic comes a lot of other important subjects that you need to know where each other stands to figure out if you have similar/same long term goals. That being said, on our 2nd date (knew each other 3 days total) I had a thought that this was the man I was going to marry. It kinda freaked me out, so I pushed the thought to the side. Turns out it was right!

 

[Indylady]

Only you can know the answer to that one!

 

[zipzapgirl]

I agree that the topic might come up fairly soon for many couples and I definitely think it is good to have your intentions known early on, but I am a big believer in the Four Seasons Rule. You need to know someone for all four seasons (a year) before you make a formal commitment like getting engaged and moving in. Maybe that's not necessary, but I think it's prudent and it helps you avoid sticky surprises later. I mean, just think about being engaged to someone who couldn't pick your coat out of a pile on the bed? People take time to get to know each other even if they are spending every possible moment together.

Besides, if you're going to be together forever, what's a few more months of waiting?

 

[DuckLovingVegan]

I agree there is no too soon to be talking about marriage. I think the early the better just so you both know if your both on the same page in the relationship. My SO and I started talking about it around the 4-6 month one of those I can't remember. It just felt right to us and it was also good to know where the relationship was headed. Well three years later I'm still waiting on the ring but I know I have about two more years ugh until I get it based on his and I time line. I feel comforted knowing that eventually were going to get married it's a matter of when and not if.

 

[elrohwen]

DH and I brought it up about 6 months in I think. When you know, you know! Not to say you shouldn't wait - we dated for a year, then lived together for a year, then were engaged for a year+ - so married after 3.5 years of being together, though we knew 6 months into it that it was definitely happening. We felt like that was the perfect timeline for us.

 

[amc80]

I agree that the topic might come up fairly soon for many couples and I definitely think it is good to have your intentions known early on, but I am a big believer in the Four Seasons Rule. You need to know someone for all four seasons (a year) before you make a formal commitment like getting engaged and moving in.

Ha! I totally agree with this. What if they had some crazy reaction to a certain holiday or time of year, and you didn't know because you hadn't been with them during that time?

 

[Glitz]

I don't think it's ever to soon ... but I find there is a degree of seriousness that's missing when you're talking about marriage early on. In the past I would talk about marriage with ex's early on, but it was always hypothetically speaking. Maybe this was all because I was younger though. With my boyfriend now I told him before we even started dating that I would rather be single than waste my time with someone I don't see a future with ... or one that doesn't see a future with me. This relationship has been the most stable and loving, we both just have an understanding that it will happen. I don't know if we've actually had a marriage conversation, we just know it will happen. We openly talk about rings and diamonds, he's suggested that his uncle marries us and has asked if I would have to get married in the catholic church since I'm baptized and went to catholic school. Those types of conversations didn't even start happening until 4 years into the relationship though. We both have an unspoken understanding of each other, sometimes it would be nice if he were more verbal, and whenever I have those feeling we talk about whatever it is that's on my mind.

Every couple is different, and communicates at different times and on different levels. You and your SO are the only ones that can decide when is an appropriate time to discuss marriage.

 

[diamondringlover]

We met in Feburary, got engaged in December and married the following May, so it was pretty quick into our relationship that we knew we wanted to get married. we have been married almost 27 years

 

[amc80]

We met in Feburary, got engaged in December and married the following May, so it was pretty quick into our relationship that we knew we wanted to get married. we have been married almost 27 years

Awesome story!

 

[manderz]

Very interesting topic. Fi and I didn't even discuss it until 6 years in, even with all the probing questions from family, friends, and acquaintances. We were just engaged this summer, at 7 1/2 years together, and having known each other for about 8 1/2 years.

On the other hand, my best friend just met her boyfriend this summer, and they've been talking about marriage from about week 3. They haven't done anything yet, but they know that they are the ones for each other. She talks about how she understands now why ever other relationship she's been in hasn't worked out, and they are discussing custom designing a sapphire engagement ring.

It really all depends on the couple. Some people need to take it slow, and others just dive in head first, never looking back. As long as it's at a pace that both are comfortable with, who am I to judge what another couple decides to do?

 

[Resonance.Of.Life]

Awesome responses girls ! It is interesting that before I thought it would be crazy to be even talking about such things this early.. but I guess when the relationship is right.. everything just flows naturally.

Any thoughts on the below quotes?

"Men more often decide whether to get married on the basis of where they are in life rather than whom they're with," he told the newspaper. "Many men have an internal script for when they're ready for marriage ... They don't necessarily have to be with the absolute `right' woman. They just need to be with a woman they care very much about at that time."

Added Pinsky, "Some men will make very rapid decisions if they're really ready. Most of the relationships that go on for years and years and years happen because the man is trying to get to the point in his life where he feels ready ... Women often consider marriage in almost every loving, intimate relationship."

 

[ring983]

"Men more often decide whether to get married on the basis of where they are in life rather than whom they're with," he told the newspaper. "Many men have an internal script for when they're ready for marriage ... They don't necessarily have to be with the absolute `right' woman. They just need to be with a woman they care very much about at that time."

Added Pinsky, "Some men will make very rapid decisions if they're really ready. Most of the relationships that go on for years and years and years happen because the man is trying to get to the point in his life where he feels ready ... Women often consider marriage in almost every loving, intimate relationship."

IMO this is 100% true. One of the reasons I decided to go to gradschool was because I wasnt ready to marry my girlfriend at the time, but didnt know for certain if we should break up either. I was worried that being out of college with a job would lead me to think "this is it" and make a bad decision.

2 years later, after 6 years total, it was over. Now that I am about to graduate again, I am very happy with the new GF of 3 years and excited to propose within a few months of having a job.


In short, it was all about my station in life, and Ive always felt that it was only appropriate to get married with a job/income.


In response to the OP, Ive always felt for myself that the first year is spent floating on a cloud, the second year is spent dealing with the decline from the first year, and then from 2+ years, you realize what you really have. Ive always talked about marriage very very early, ie a few months, just to see where the girl stands, but wouldnt dream of marrying a person until several years have elapsed.

 

[amc80]

"Men more often decide whether to get married on the basis of where they are in life rather than whom they're with," he told the newspaper. "Many men have an internal script for when they're ready for marriage ... They don't necessarily have to be with the absolute `right' woman. They just need to be with a woman they care very much about at that time."

I'm not sure I agree with this one. If this is true, it means it is sort of luck of the draw as to whether you happen to be with a guy at the point when he feels ready. And if you weren't there, it would be someone else. So it's like he's pulling the trigger because the timings right, not because the woman is right. I'm going to ask my bf and see what he thinks.

 

[elrohwen]

"Men more often decide whether to get married on the basis of where they are in life rather than whom they're with," he told the newspaper. "Many men have an internal script for when they're ready for marriage ... They don't necessarily have to be with the absolute `right' woman. They just need to be with a woman they care very much about at that time."

Added Pinsky, "Some men will make very rapid decisions if they're really ready. Most of the relationships that go on for years and years and years happen because the man is trying to get to the point in his life where he feels ready ... Women often consider marriage in almost every loving, intimate relationship."

I'm not a guy, but I agree with these quotes in general. The majority of my friends are guys and, in my experience, when they're not ready to settle down, it doesn't matter how perfect the girl is for them - they will make a million excuses about why she isn't right and why they can't marry her. A few years later, when they are feeling ready to get engaged, they suddenly meet a girl, very similar to the other girl, and propose right away. If they had met girl #2 years earlier, I highly doubt they would've been proposing, and if they had met girl #1 years later, she would probably be the fiance. It doesn't mean they marry the first girl they go on a date with after this magical marrying period has been met - just that they marry the first girl they have a really meaningful relationship with after they decide they're ready to marry.

 

[Miss Sparkly]

DH disagrees. He stated that he wanted to mary me and that if he had met me at a younger age (we were married young - 19 me and 22 him) he still would have wanted to marry me. I think DH saw marriage as the ultimate symbol of love and was quite excited to take the step. I figured that there was no reason not to so might as well

 

[lilyfoot]

I recall talking about marriage as early as 2 months in our relationship. We were engaged at 6 months, and married at 10 months of dating. I was always the girl that said she would never get married, but I couldn't imagine not marrying my DH.

We did know each other through friends for about 5 years prior to starting to date, but never really spoke or anything.

 

[AdanaEsq]

I agree with it being a case by case situation as to what's too soon. I think we discussed it seriously by 6 months in and I know around 1 year or a little over be stated he knows he wants to get married to me and he just has other things to work on before he proposes.

 

[RTols88]

BF and I have been dating for 2.5 years. We've been talking marriage for 8-9 months. This is with the knowledge that the wedding bells most likely won't ring till June 2013 or June 2014.

 

[PrincessNatalie]

Why so long to wait?

(I thought April 2012 was far away lol)

 

[kittybean]

DH and I talked about marriage in the general sense on one of our first dates. It was definitely not a conversation about us specifically getting married, but I think it's good to know whether the person you're dating thinks marriage is an archaic institution that should be abolished--especially if you are of the opposite mindset. We both agreed that we wanted to get married at some point, someday, to someone, preferably in a Catholic church, but we didn't get more specific until quite a bit later.

I think we had a true heart-to-heart conversation about us getting married after dating for over a year. We both really knew we had something very special much sooner, but it took a little bit to put words and actions together with that knowledge. He proposed while we were on a trip celebrating our two-year dating anniversary.

To answer the original question, I don't think it's ever too soon to talk about marriage. Communication is always good, and if you both want to talk about it, why not? It doesn't mean you have to rush to get married. I can just mean that you want to be on the same page, which is never a bad thing. And if you aren't on the same page--well, it's good to know that, too.

Regarding the quote about men needing to be at the right place in their lives to consider marriage, I have found that to be true in my experience. This doesn't mean that they aren't in love with the woman they end up marrying. I take it to mean that no matter how loving and wonderful the relationship is, if their internal clock says that it's not the right time for marriage, they'll begin to internalize reasons why the woman isn't the right one for them. Then, when they are later ready for marriage and meet a girl with similar qualities, values, looks, etc., as the first, they'll find reasons why she is the right one, even though they passed up someone very similar before. I think timing accounts for much more than most women think, mostly because women don't really operate that way.

 

[Amys Bling]

DH and I talked about marriage in the general sense on one of our first dates. It was definitely not a conversation about us specifically getting married, but I think it's good to know whether the person you're dating thinks marriage is an archaic institution that should be abolished--especially if you are of the opposite mindset. We both agreed that we wanted to get married at some point, someday, to someone, preferably in a Catholic church, but we didn't get more specific until quite a bit later.

I think we had a true heart-to-heart conversation about us getting married after dating for over a year. We both really knew we had something very special much sooner, but it took a little bit to put words and actions together with that knowledge. He proposed while we were on a trip celebrating our two-year dating anniversary.

To answer the original question, I don't think it's ever too soon to talk about marriage. Communication is always good, and if you both want to talk about it, why not? It doesn't mean you have to rush to get married. I can just mean that you want to be on the same page, which is never a bad thing. And if you aren't on the same page--well, it's good to know that, too.

Regarding the quote about men needing to be at the right place in their lives to consider marriage, I have found that to be true in my experience. This doesn't mean that they aren't in love with the woman they end up marrying. I take it to mean that no matter how loving and wonderful the relationship is, if their internal clock says that it's not the right time for marriage, they'll begin to internalize reasons why the woman isn't the right one for them. Then, when they are later ready for marriage and meet a girl with similar qualities, values, looks, etc., as the first, they'll find reasons why she is the right one, even though they passed up someone very similar before. I think timing accounts for much more than most women think, mostly because women don't really operate that way.

Totally agree with this post. You need to know- at a certain age- that the man you are with has the same ideals, values, and life path as you. So maybe you don't talk immediately about marrying each other- but about your feelings on marriage and other major life events.

 

[Resonance.Of.Life]

I guess, I wasn't specific when I started this thread. I meant to say talking about marriage to each other and not marriage in general.

Thank you ladies for your responses ! Especially to those who responded to the quotes.

 

[somethingshiny]

I KNEW I was going to marry DH when we had been dating for 3 weeks. I was very young and scared to death at that revelation! (especially since I'd only been on like 4-6 dates with him!) We didn't discuss marriage until 6-8 months I think and he asked me to marry him when we had been together 10 months. (I was 17) We were engaged nearly 2 years before we got married and we celebrated our 11th anniversary this past summer.

I do believe that some men know WHEN they want to get married. I believe other men know WHO they want to marry. In my experience amongst family and friends, the whens wear out quickly.

 

[GliderPoss]

Nope, never a "right or wrong" time to talk about it - it purely depends on your relationship and how comfortable you both are about the topic. I guess usually I think the first 3 months is like the "honeymoon stage" BUT I knew after 2 weeks my now-hubby was the bloke I was going to marry. He proposed after 6 months, we married after 2 years and 4 years later still blissfully happy. Think we shocked the hell outta everyone at the time but we have the last laugh now...