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How many bridesmaids is too many?

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sunnygirl

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Hi girls!
This is my first post in this forum - I''m sure it will be the first of many! I have done minimal planning for my 9/6/08 wedding but am starting to get nervous because we''re getting married in Santa Barbara where the good vendors get booked up early! I guess I just need to take it one step at a time.

Anyways...I have been thinking about my bridesmaids and I am having a hard time including everyone important without hurting feelings etc but I also don''t want a million people up there! How many is too many? How many are you all having?

Also, my college roommate and I havent lived in the same city since we graduated and have only really seen each other a handful of times (since 2002). I still love her obviously but its not like we are super in each others lives. Well, the weekend before I got engaged, I happened to meet up with her at a fellow friend''s wedding and when we were out (and lets be honest, I was a little drunk) I gushed on an on about wanting her to be a bridesmaid. Is it horrible if I dont ask her? I don''t know what to do...

Thanks for your help in advance! And I look forward to chatting with you all in the coming year! :)
 

Hera

Ideal_Rock
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I limited my bridesmaids and I have two friends that never forgave me for it (it''s even been ten years). I also don''t speak with two of the five bridesmaids anymore including my college roommate. What I suggest is including people that have been in your life for a long time. If you''re preparing to not choose some close friends, then you can count on people being hurt. I found out people have a loooong memory. In all, my casualty list was four people. I wonder how things would be different if I would have included those two.
Anyways, this is just my experience. I was married young and your friends may be different than mine.
 

musey

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A good general rule of thumb for BMs is the same that I used for my wedding. Don''t include one and not their equal. Better to include neither than only one.

In other words, if you have three close girlfriends, either ask all three or none. When choosing my BMs, I felt there were a bunch of tiers. There was my family tier (which would only include ONE female cousin), the friends tier (which includes - ACK - six girls), etc. (for other people this might go on to include college roommates, sorority sisters, coworkers, etc. etc.).

So, my choice was to have only my one family BM, or to extend to the "friend" tier and have seven BMs. I''ve chosen to have only one. Now mind you, I didn''t really want a bunch of bridesmaids, anyway, so it was a very easy choice.


Other things come into play, obviously. Really what it came down to, for me, was who I knew I would still be happy to see in wedding pics 30, 40, 50 years down the road. It''s completely likely that the friends I have, at least some of them, will have completely faded out of my life by then. But my cousin is the one that I know will be constant.
 

E B

Ideal_Rock
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How many bridesmaids is too many?

One.

9.gif


I'm just kidding. But seriously, the fewer, the better in terms of organization. I'm a member of other wedding communities online and I can't tell you how many posts I saw from angry brides complaining about bridesmaid drama (getting them together, choosing a dress, having them order the dress, alterations, etc.).

ETA: I agree with Musey. Just the people you KNOW will be constants in your life.
 

TravelingGal

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Yup I agree about the "constant" factor.

That''s why I chose only my brother. He''s the only one I don''t have to constantly talk to.
9.gif
 

labbielove

Brilliant_Rock
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Welcome!
All I can say is- take care of YOU- a bridesmaid designation isn't a prize to be awarded to all who are worthy.

Seriously, these people/person will be with you on the wedding day, and it can be zoo-like if there are too many- I have been part of a "parade of maids" and frankly it can be stressful as a bm, can't imagine the bride.
how many is too many? only you can say.

I had 3- my sisters- if I had 1 sister I would have had one. It was very calming for me to have them, and just them, with me. Rather than worry about everyone getting to my house on time, etc. I am so happy that all of my bm pics are basically family pics too- I wouldn't have changed a thing. Then again, I am close to all my sisters.

I was extremely stressed about hurting people's feelings, but true friends understand- it was also a bit easier for me because I was able to say I was having all my sisters (i.e. not choosing one friend over another)

good luck, but please don't try to please others with this- there are other ways to have them involved in the day.
 

Pandora II

Ideal_Rock
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I avoid the whole dilemma by only having BM''s under 12. That way I have my best friends kids and my cousins and nieces - everyone happy!

I did ask my 22 year old sister if she really wanted to be one and she said no way, so that was that. On the other hand, she is the one who has done all the weddingy stuff with me so far.
 

anchor31

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On CanadianBride, a wedding forum I semi-lurk on, the question was asked recently and the general opinion was "the more, the merrier", but I definitey don''t agree! For me, more than 3 is too many. I have two, and getting them together to dress shop was a nightmare. I chose my sister and my best friend; my FI''s sister will do a reading and our cousns are not invited (we simply have too many, imagine My Big Fat Greek Wedding times two!). You really should do what makes you most comfortable.
 

karasue91

Brilliant_Rock
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Date: 10/25/2007 10:04:55 AM
Author: anchor31
On CanadianBride, a wedding forum I semi-lurk on, the question was asked recently and the general opinion was ''the more, the merrier'', but I definitey don''t agree! For me, more than 3 is too many. I have two, and getting them together to dress shop was a nightmare. I chose my sister and my best friend; my FI''s sister will do a reading and our cousns are not invited (we simply have too many, imagine My Big Fat Greek Wedding times two!). You really should do what makes you most comfortable.
I have been debating the same thing. How many guests is everyone having at their wedding? We are having about 175-200 so I was wondering if it would look a little weird to only have 2 bridesmaids.

Since beginning the planning, I thought the same way as Anchor....I am having just my best friend and FSIL, who I really love. FI chose his 2 closest friends. But now I''m thinking that maybe I want to have my other 3 closest friends. Not just because I think it will look a little funny with just 2 people with such a big wedding, but also because they are important to me and I want them to be part of my day. I have already told them that I''m only having 2 BMs and no one was upset or hurt at all (or at least they didn''t let on that they were!!) They are all spread out - Seoul, Atlanta, Toronto so who knows if we will keep in touch forever since we live so far apart (I''ll be in Calgary). I also know that having more BMs will probably cause me more stress, but is it worth it? I''m thinking it might be.

Good topic sunnygirl!!!
 

ChargerGrrl

Ideal_Rock
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Aug 17, 2005
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Date: 10/25/2007 1:47:06 AM
Author: EBree
How many bridesmaids is too many?

One.

9.gif


I''m just kidding. But seriously, the fewer, the better in terms of organization. I''m a member of other wedding communities online and I can''t tell you how many posts I saw from angry brides complaining about bridesmaid drama (getting them together, choosing a dress, having them order the dress, alterations, etc.).
Totally agree!
 

musey

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I don't really get the whole one-bridesmaid-for-every-50-guests or whatever it is... thing. You don't have to fill a quota.

I think that rule is more to keep the number in check than remind people to bolster it. More of a "maximum 3 bridesmaids per 150 people" than a "minimum of 3 bridesmaids per 150 people." Just my opinion.

But then, I've never been a "bridesmaids" type o' gal
9.gif
 

zoebartlett

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I agree with the others. At first, my FI and I had agreed not to have anyone in our wedding party. Then we went to his nephew''s wedding and we both liked seeing the bride and groom with their wedding party -- they had a ton of fun that night. We have since decided to have 2 people only, my sister (the only sibling I have) and a friend of my FI''s. I didn''t want to have to decide between my friends, although they''re in their 30s now, so none would probably care. Having a sister makes it very easy. I might incorporate my friends somehow -- ask them to do a reading maybe. SO after my long-winded answer, my advice is to keep it as simple as possible.

1.gif

 

sunnygirl

Shiny_Rock
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Thanks for all the replies! I wish I had sisters - that would make this whole thing much simpler! I have one female cousin in this country who will be 16 (i think) by the wedding and if I didn''t have her in the wedding, my aunt would probably never speak to me again so that is a no-brainer!

One big thing I forgot to mention: my fiance (who is Greek) has two brothers and three best guy friends from childhood. The kind of friendship where they were co-best men for the one who is married and godfathers to his kids. So basically I think his attendant numbers will probably determine my numbers. Eek! It will be like a zoo up there!

So you think it is okay to take back what I said to my college roommate? I think she will understand...I hope so anyway. You all are right though, I shouldn''t do things just out of fear of hurting feelings.
 

Fancy605

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Date: 10/25/2007 1:41:25 AM
Author: musey
A good general rule of thumb for BMs is the same that I used for my wedding. Don''t include one and not their equal. Better to include neither than only one.


In other words, if you have three close girlfriends, either ask all three or none. When choosing my BMs, I felt there were a bunch of tiers.


I totally agree with this. It''s what I ended up considering. I was either going to need to have 4 or 9 (because 5,6,7,8,and 9 are all equally close to me). So, I went with just 4. It was easier, and it worked out perfectly. I don''t think any feelings were really hurt. I''ve been a bridesmaid in 5 weddings, and only asked one of the girls to be in mine.

I also agree that I asked the girls I have been closest to throughout the years and who I know with 100% certainty I''ll always be friends with. I may not have always agreed with them on everything. We may have had arguments. But I have never been genuinely angry/hurt by any of them. These aren''t the type of women you hear brides complaining about with things like, "Oh, she stabbed me in the back; oh, she stole my ideas; oh she is so irresponsible with everything; oh, she''s always trying to be ''better'' than me." I do have several GOOD friends who tend to fall into those habits sometimes, and while I wanted them as guests, I didn''t want them to be with me 24/7 before and on my wedding day (just in case). The girls I ended up selecting are trustworthy, amazing, big-hearted women whom I could not imagine my life without.

But, I have been in bridal parties of 3 and bridal parties of 10. I had a blast as part of both sizes, and the brides really seemed to enjoy themselves too. I don''t think it''s so much about numbers as it is making wise choices about the type of peopel you have around you.
 

tberube

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Oct 22, 2007
Messages
1,999
HEY! My wedding is on 9/6/08 too! How exciting is that?

Sorry, I''m a big dork.

Okay, on this subject I''m a little different than most. I ran into the same problem as you, I hate the idea (HATE) of selecting some friends as bridesmaids, because it feels like I''m telling some they''re more important to me than others. At my age all my friends serve a great deal of purpose in my life and I couldn''t exclude a single one. SO.....I decided that I''m not having any bridesmaids. What do you really need them for? Except, yes, I am having my cousin stand up for me as my MOH so she can be a witness, hold the ring, host bridal shower, etc. Plus she didn''t give me a choice.

But I digress. IMO, there is the possibility for too many bridesmaids. I''ve been to weddings that had to many. Just think of it this way: if you can make a baseball team (or worse yet - football team) out of your bridal party, that''s too many. I say have three or four, plus a MOH. Any more than that is just overkill. Just my opinion.....
 

tberube

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Oct 22, 2007
Messages
1,999
Date: 10/25/2007 1:47:06 AM
Author: EBree
How many bridesmaids is too many?

One.

9.gif


I''m just kidding. But seriously, the fewer, the better in terms of organization. I''m a member of other wedding communities online and I can''t tell you how many posts I saw from angry brides complaining about bridesmaid drama (getting them together, choosing a dress, having them order the dress, alterations, etc.).

ETA: I agree with Musey. Just the people you KNOW will be constants in your life.
OH YEAH. And then there''s that. Besides, if you''re getting married at my age (after 28) then most of your friends are totally over the bridesmaid thing and would much rather wear their own little black dress to your wedding and not deal with that madness. Let your guests be guests, right?
 

qtiekiki

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Nov 14, 2004
Messages
3,880
I agree with what everyone''s else said. Keep it simple, pick people who are constants in your life.

I went with DH (before we got engaged) to his friend''s wedding, and they has 18 in their wedding party. It was overwhelming for a 240 guests wedding, especially when they had them all sit at a cornered head table around the dance floor.
 

Neveah

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Oct 19, 2007
Messages
301
We''re having NINE on each side...and 2 ushers!!! I can''t tell you how many people (friends, family, people at bridal shops) ask how many BM''s I''m having and when I tell them their eyes bug out of their head! Each and every one is near and dear to us and we just decided, SCREW IT! It''s our day and even though it will take our wedding party as long to walk down the aisle as the ceremony will take, we are blessed to have them stand up with us. And I really don''t think it causes more problems...it only adds to the celebration! (of course age/maturity level makes a big difference. FI and I are both 30 and our bridal party is all early 30''s. When I was a bridesmaid in my early 20''s things did get dramatic...just depends) It will be a fairly large wedding (although that had no input on my BM decisions) Bottom line, you have to do what you truly want. Who cares what people think?
 

chinglish

Rough_Rock
Joined
Oct 6, 2007
Messages
55
Welcome sunnygirl!

Deciding on the wedding party was my first most stressful wedding planning decision - so far nothing has been that difficult!
I went with the avoidance tactic - no bridesmaids, no drama, less stress, less money to spend!
Ok, maybe not entirely avoidance, but at first, I had about 8 girls that fit my original criteria of great friends through out my life - BUT that was way too many and FH didn''t want to pick guys just to fill the space. As well they''re all spread out across N.America, I can''t imagine trying to coordinate it all!

FH and I then decided to think of who we would want to stand up for us up there, people we respect, friends who have been there for us and know us through and through.

He picked one best man and one grooms-woman.
And I have my sister as my MOH and a brides-man . Also picking a guy as my bridesman, made it easier to tell people I wasn''t having any bridesmaids.

We''re also having 3 flower girls and 1 ring-bearer. My mom''s all confused about why we have so many little ones and so few bridesmaids and groomsmen - but it really doesn''t matter - its who we want up there! I''m asking some of my good girlfriends to help me out as hostesses of the guestbook and one to do a reading - they''re excited to do anything to help - so I''m glad they''re not offended at all to not being a BM.

I read about that 1 BM per 50 people rule too, which is silly rule I think. We''re having 150 people at our first reception and 300 in our second.

Keeping it simple and small is best!
 

labbielove

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
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862
One big thing I forgot to mention: my fiance (who is Greek) has two brothers and three best guy friends from childhood. The kind of friendship where they were co-best men for the one who is married and godfathers to his kids. So basically I think his attendant numbers will probably determine my numbers. Eek! It will be like a zoo up there!




Fyi, I had 3 bms and FI had 2 gms- you don''t have to match- and it was totally fine. one guy was thrilled he got to have a girl on each arm on the way out of church!
2.gif
 

bee*

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
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I''m having three bm''s-my two sisters and D''s sister. For me, it''s much easier than trying to chose between different friends.
 
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