How long is too long to be engaged

[Diamond Confused]

So my boyfriend and I are getting engaged very soon however after careful consideration we have decided to not get married until 2012. Here's the background info:

I start medical school in the fall and of course it's ridiculously expensive. Luckily I have some scholorships and grants so I don't have to take out too many loans. However if I get married my boyfriends income is calculated into my financial aid award so I would lose the grant money. He makes enough to make me ineligible for "free" need-based money so he would have to make up the difference. So either we wait to get married or we can do it now and financially get screwed over.

Here's the problem: I don't want to live with him until marriage and it's always been a strong belief of mine. I want to save something for marriage. We are 28 so it's silly to live apart for 4 more years especially since he's buying a house. So I told him that as long as we are engaged I'm willing to set aside my convictions and move in with him. He was very pleased that I agreed to move in.

Basically we will be engaged for 4 years. Is that ridiculous?

 

[Stephanie]

I know that someone around these boards has been engaged for a while... Gypsy maybe?

Anyway, it doesn''t matter how long your engagement is, at least I don''t think so. I think that you are being smart about wanting to keep your grants instead of taking out more loans. Best of luck with med school!

 

[neatfreak]

Generally I think that''s too long. BUT you have sound reasons for it, it''s not like one of you is just putting it off because really you''re not ready or something. So it makes sense to me to wait. I''m in graduate school so I feel your pain about the grant money!

 

[Asscherhalo_lover]

my FI and I have been together since high school, i was a sophomore and he was a junior. three years later just after our anniversary we got engaged. i just finished my first year in college and he was just into his second. we knew we couldn''t get married yet for the same reasons, loans, financial aid, health insurance, all that stuff. we are both finally finished with our undergrads and i''m in grad school now. after nearly four years of engagement we are getting married on our seven year anniversary and we have been living together for the last three years. we knew we wanted to be married and committed to each other but we also knew that it would be better for us to wait. do whatever is right for you, just get used to explaining to people that it will be a long egagement, lol.

 

[anchor31]

It depends, I guess! Our engagement will have been 2 years and we started pre-planning (research and stuff) right away. I wasn''t happy with the plans we were about to make, so 6 months later we started over and started really planning (booking and putting deposits down). Now, a year later with 6 months left to our engagement, I just want it to be over!!! There''s been so much drama and complications, I''m so tired of it all... So I definitely wouldn''t recommend to anyone to start planning more than 18 months away. However, if you don''t intend to start planning right away, I don''t see why a longer engagement would be a problem.

 

[LegacyGirl]

I know a couple that has been engaged for 11 years so don''t feel silly at all (they don''t)

 

[nessvan12]

I think things like that are a personal preference. It''s different for different couples. For me personally it would be too long, but if it works for you, great! I''m sure you will get lots of questions or inquiries about the long engagement though, especially since you two aren''t really really young. I mean, of course you''re young, you''re 28; I mean, fresh out of high school young.

 

[pjean]

Date: 2/6/2008 5:09:49 PM
Author:Diamond Confused

Basically we will be engaged for 4 years. Is that ridiculous?

Not at all. I think it''s a very good way to deal with circumstances beyond your control. You both want a committment, and a formal engagement will provide that. And you have good reasons to wait to get married.

That said, what about having an engagement party? I know a lot of people don''t (I don''t plan to), but it would be a nice way to mark such a major milestone in your life. Since you''ll be moving in with your bf, it''s a big step. And it might provide a bit of punctuation in the 4 years, give you something to talk about with people who just want to know when the wedding is, be fun, etc.

Just a thought.

 

[CNOS128]

You guys could run away and secretly marry and have a big wedding 4 years from now!.. or not.
[Sometimes I think about eloping with my BF so we can not deal with the big wedding but we would be eligible to live together in law school housing (you need a marriage license)]

I think 4 years is a long engagement, but I hear you about wanting to at least be engaged before moving in together -- And as long as the length of this engagement doesn''t bother YOU, it doesn''t matter at all! At least you''re realistic about what you''re able to do while in school.

 

[RLG]

Go for it. I just wanted to tell you good luck in medical school. It is a long hall. Besides if you change your mind you can always get married sooner. You may find yourself planning your wedding daydreaming, rather than lets say studying renal tubular acidosis or something equally as fun.

 

[Cravin My Emerald cut]

First off...congrats! I agree with most of the above posts...normally 4 years is a long time for an engagement, but in your situation it''s a logical decision.

 

[iheartscience]

Date: 2/6/2008 9:05:58 PM
Author: Cravin My Emerald cut
First off...congrats! I agree with most of the above posts...normally 4 years is a long time for an engagement, but in your situation it''s a logical decision.

Ditto-makes perfect sense to me!

 

[diamondfan]

Look, it has to be about what works for you. You have compelling reasons why you need to put it off, so it makes sense. I personally could not handle it, but everyone is different. I think it just means you have to really make the effort to see things big picture. The wedding, of course, is not the end point, but the beginning of your lives together, so if you just view this as one big part of your total lives together, it should all be fine!

 

[Patiently_Waiting]

Date: 2/6/2008 9:29:19 PM
Author: thing2of2

Date: 2/6/2008 9:05:58 PM
Author: Cravin My Emerald cut
First off...congrats! I agree with most of the above posts...normally 4 years is a long time for an engagement, but in your situation it''s a logical decision.

Ditto-makes perfect sense to me!

Thritto!

 

[sandia_rose]

Date: 2/6/2008 5:09:49 PM
Author:Diamond Confused

So my boyfriend and I are getting engaged very soon however after careful consideration we have decided to not get married until 2012. Here''s the background info:

I start medical school in the fall and of course it''s ridiculously expensive. Luckily I have some scholorships and grants so I don''t have to take out too many loans. However if I get married my boyfriends income is calculated into my financial aid award so I would lose the grant money. He makes enough to make me ineligible for ''free'' need-based money so he would have to make up the difference. So either we wait to get married or we can do it now and financially get screwed over.

Here''s the problem: I don''t want to live with him until marriage and it''s always been a strong belief of mine. I want to save something for marriage. We are 28 so it''s silly to live apart for 4 more years especially since he''s buying a house. So I told him that as long as we are engaged I''m willing to set aside my convictions and move in with him. He was very pleased that I agreed to move in.

Basically we will be engaged for 4 years. Is that ridiculous?

I''m older than you are, so I''ll give you the benefit of life-experience on the highlighted points...

1) I have been married before and can tell you that the #1 reason why couples fight and marriages fail is because of MONEY. Ideally, you want to go into marriage on a strong foundation, and that means getting all of your financial ducks in a row. If you can foresee a reason not to get married right now (and you have), don''t do it! Make sure you get all money worries out of the way before you marry.

2) I''m the same way. I''m going to be 40 in September and have already told my present boyfriend that I will not move in with him until I have a ring on my finger AND a date set AND most of the plans for the day all made. Then again, my BF has a few life issues that need to be straightened out before we could even think of moving in together. If none of those are done.....well.....I am staying in my little apartment. I don''t like living apart from him, either, but I would like it a lot less if his unresolved stuff became my problem.

3) No. You are being smart. It''s better to be engaged for 4 years and get married with a real future than to jump into it now and have to undergo all of these hurdles....which could amount to 4 years to straighten out. You still are 12 years younger than I am.....you have time.

The last point is one I want to emphasize. 4 years to a 20-something is nothing. Once you get into your 40s, 4 years is more like 10. A lot of it is perspective. When I was in my 20s, I had several BFs that I dated for 2+ years. Now, as I have told my current BF, 2-1/2 years is my dating limit without a commitment.

Bridget in Connecticut.

 

[redfaerythinker]

I plan on being engaged for at least two years for a couple of reasons...

1. I want to be able to enjoy this new step without having to worry about wedding planning the whole time
2. I want us both to be completely done with school, working, and with our own apartments (i.e. no more roomates)
3. Engagement is a final screening process to make absolutely sure that he is the one... no divorces here. (knock on wood)

 

[bee*]

Date: 2/6/2008 5:21:25 PM
Author: neatfreak
Generally I think that''s too long. BUT you have sound reasons for it, it''s not like one of you is just putting it off because really you''re not ready or something. So it makes sense to me to wait. I''m in graduate school so I feel your pain about the grant money!

I agree with neatfreak-generally I think four years is a very long time to be engaged, but your reasons are extremely logical so I don''t think that you''re being silly at all. It makes perfect sense to me.

 

[Rhea]

No, it''s all a personal decision. I know someone who has been engaged since 2005 - so right now it''s been 2 years, 9 months and with no wedding plans in site.

I would say that you might get tired of explaining to people why you plan to be engaged so long, but you may shortly find out that engagements and weddings mean that people think they have the right to question any decision you make in a very rude manor

 

[icekid]

DC- I don''t see any reason why you should not be engaged for 4 years if it''s going to save you a ton in loans! When you''re a resident, you''ll be glad you were "frugal." Just thought I would put this out there too, but my husband and I got married during medical school, and it has not changed my financial aid at all even though he has a good job. However, I don''t have any "grant" money, or anything need-based (other than lovely loans $$$$$$) so potentially then your situation is different from mine. I did not lose any scholarship money from my school when we got married though. I''m about to graduate in a few months, and I am so excited that I will never have to apply for financial aid again

 

[Italiahaircolor]

Generally, most brides I meet with usually are on a year to a year and a half time line. But, I think for the reasons you have, a four year waiting period is completely reasonable. You dont want to stunt yourself in the long run, and I think that is a very mature decision you''ve both made.

I wouldn''t start planning yet, and instead consider the interim like a "pre-wedding" honeymoon where you both can enjoy each other and the future without the stress of planning a wedding looming overhead. I think four years will feel like an eternity to you both, considering the excitement around getting engaged usually inspires serious planning on a brides part. But, if you move in together, start school, and spend time on romance, connecting, and doing things you both love...the time will absolutely fly!!!

 

[Deelight]

Friends of mine were engaged for 14 years so nope 4 years is not too long at all

 

[LegacyGirl]

Mine will probably be 2-3 years to save for the big wedding we have to have. He wants to invite soooooooo many people

 

[Hera]

If you''re ready to get married then why not consider a private ceremony in a foreign location or something. It doesn''t have to be legal, it can be just for the two of you.

 

[Independent Gal]

That''s a great idea. Get married spiritually, and make it legal later. Make a vow to God together, if you are believers, or do something else symbolic if you are not.

Personally, I couldn''t stand to be engaged for 4 years. It''s been 7 months, and I am so ready for it to be over. So if you do get engaged, I recommend you either do ALL the planning ASAP and then forget about it, or else do NONE until you''re 9 months out. It will eat your brain. Not fun.

 

[Dandi]

My DH and I did the long engagement thing, and it worked well for us. We were engaged for nearly 3 years before we got married. In that time though, we both bought investment properties (separately - something we had always wanted to do), built a house together, and both changed jobs. Ultimately we wanted to make the commitment prior to living together, but knowing that we had plenty of time to achieve all we wanted at the same time as slowly ''picking'' at wedding planning. It worked wonderfully for us - we were financially better off, we paid cash for absolutely everything wedding-related because we organised things so gradually, we had all the time we needed for wedding planning - which otherwise would have been hard as we each work 2 jobs - and particularly for me I had that ''comfort'' I suppose you could say of knowing that the commitment had been ''officially'' made prior to living together. If it suits your personal situation, of course it isn''t ridiculous!

 

[monarch64]

Honey, whatever you have to do, you do. Don''t worry about social mores, etc. Just do what is right for your particular situation and move forward with your life.

 

[LegacyGirl]

Date: 2/11/2008 6:51:23 AM
Author: DandiAndi
My DH and I did the long engagement thing, and it worked well for us. We were engaged for nearly 3 years before we got married. In that time though, we both bought investment properties (separately - something we had always wanted to do), built a house together, and both changed jobs. Ultimately we wanted to make the commitment prior to living together, but knowing that we had plenty of time to achieve all we wanted at the same time as slowly ''picking'' at wedding planning. It worked wonderfully for us - we were financially better off, we paid cash for absolutely everything wedding-related because we organised things so gradually, we had all the time we needed for wedding planning - which otherwise would have been hard as we each work 2 jobs - and particularly for me I had that ''comfort'' I suppose you could say of knowing that the commitment had been ''officially'' made prior to living together. If it suits your personal situation, of course it isn''t ridiculous!

It''s so nice to hear from someone who did this. That is exactly what my SO and I are planning on doing. We don''t want to be in debt for anything wedding related and we want to be able to come home from our honeymoon to a house we actually own as opposed to rent.

 

[Diamond Confused]

that''s definitly something we''ve considered. Perhaps a ceremony in Cancun, Mexico or Hawaii.

 

[nclrgirl]

Congratulations on your upcoming engagement! It sounds like you have some great reasons. Stick to your guns! My FI and I originally thought we wouldn''t start wedding planning until I finished my masters degree (my current company is paying for it and I have to pay some back if I leave before I''m finished) and got a job in his city (we currently live 200 miles apart).

WELL, I got impatient and we set a date, started planning, etc. Now I''m trying to find a new job, move, finish my degree which I''m now going to owe several thousands of dollars on

, and plan the wedding, and we''re running out of time.

It''ll be great for you to get to enjoy the planning process! BTW, congratulations on med school! VERY impressive!

 

[Haven]

"How long is too long to be engaged?"

When you''re engaged so long that you realize you no longer want to be together. Then you should just be single.

Seriously, though, it sounds like your plan is spot-on. I find it admirable that you''re going into this with a practical view of what is best for your shared future. Enjoy your long engagement, I''m finding it quite lovely to be engaged, and frankly I''m a bit sad that I''ll only be so for 10 months.