How late is too late, and another thing

[merbear1215]

Hi All,

A little advise needed. I love my FI dearly. However, as I think is the case with most wedding, the women do most of the planning. Therefore, sometimes he brings up these things and I just don't think he gets it because he has not been the one planning. There are two situations.

1. He chose which coworkers to invite with or without guest. One guy we invited with guest and he was going to bring someone. Other coworker, we did not invite with guest, per her instructions since she kind of has a flavor of the month thing. Recently, FI told me coworker 1 had decided he wouldn't bring anyone, but coworker 1 had talked to coworker 2 and they wanted to know if coworker 2 could now bring a guest since coworker 1 was not. I am just not sure what I think of that. Theoretically, it doesn't change the numbers. But as I said to FI, my goal is not to go "oh, so and so can't come, let's replace them with someone else." My goal is to keep it down. So, if coworker 1 does not want to bring someone fine, but coworker 2 does not now get two. And the other part that irritated me was that I thought it was rather bold to start suggesting how we arrange our RSVP's. I was thinking "I would never tell you 'oh, I figured out how we could alter some numbers around at your wedding.' Maybe I am just being sensitive. Thoughts on this? Allow coworker 2 with guest??

2. FI has some friends who in my head I all clump together in a group. When he made his guest list he did not invite one of the girls, but invited the other 2. I asked him about this and he said he just wasn't as close to the girl, let's call her "Sue." I made sure to clarify this again, because I just really thought he seemed equally as close to all of them. A few weeks ago, he went back to his home town, and hung out with one of the girls he had invited and Sue. The invited girl said how she had gotten her invite. Sue asked "oh, am I invited, I haven't gotten my invite." FI said he wasn't sure if she was invited (he was fully aware she was not but wanted to lessen the blow) and then Sue said she wanted to be there and asked if she could come.

Last night FI asks me if we can invite Sue and Jane.....I have never even heard of this Jane in my life, but I guess she is roomates with Sue. I said something about how he intentially left Sue off the list in the first place but I guess Sue has continued to question him about attending (frankly, I think is a little rude but could just be her not getting it. I would never question my invite status to someone's wedding because I know how uncomfortable it can be to respond and just how hard it is to make those guest list cuts). Besides the fact that I hardly know these people and have never even so much of heard of jane, I also just feel like that ship has sailed. We have sent out invites, this will only create more work for me, yadda yadda yaddda. On the other hand, I feel bad refusing his guests. Thoughts on this one??

 

[Winks_Elf]

Just my opinion, but here goes...

I was always taught that if you're eliminating "+1's", it has to be across the board. Unless the single guest is engaged, the and guest is left off for all single guests. This way it avoids situations like #1, where two people who work with each other compare notes and find out that one person gets to have a guest but the other does not.

As for #2, the correct answer for fi to have stated would have been "I'm sorry, but we're having a really intimate wedding, and the invitations have already gone out." Of course he'd have to figure out how to explain that he invited a couple of the other gals that they all hung out with...he should have seen that one coming.

I personally hate it when people kinda invite themselves or put pressure on people that they haven't really seen or hung out with more than once in the past year to invite them to such an important event that is going to cost anywhere from $80-200 per person.

 

[slg47]

OK, so it seems like you are in a bit of a pickle because your FI perhaps didn't put enough thought into possible situations that his guest list would have...

For the co-worker, I would not allow co-worker 2 to get a +1 because co-worker 1 decided not to bring his/her +1. Unfortunately it doesn't sound like co-worker 1 was in a serious committed relationship, so you can't really use that as a reason.

Not to rag on your FI, but it doesn't seem wise that he invited this whole group of friends without inviting Sue/Jane. I would ask him how important it is to keep the group intact and how much drama it would create if they weren't invited. Ultimately they are your FI's friends and he should know how important or not important it is to invite them.

Sorry you are having to deal with all of this...I'm sure some other PSers who have better ways of phrasing things will offer some advice!

 

[choro72]

The coworkers know nothing about your budget situation (nor should they) or about the stress that come with wedding planning. Cut them some slack on their attitude, but simply tell them "no" on the extra 1.
I would personally invite Sue for sure, and Jane as well if you can. Not only am I the "more the merrier" type, but I also wouldn't want this to affect the friendship later on.
Your FI should be handling both cases.

 

[zipzapgirl]

I think you first need to talk to your fiance and explain that now that the invitations have gone out, any changes and last minute additions are going to get expensive and exponentially more stressful. Also, encourage him to avoid these topics whenever possible and be as evasive as possible on a final yea/ney if he can't change the subject.

I think not inviting Sue was a mistake if there was no real reason to leave her out. Invite Sue. If you never met Jane, now is not the time to make new friends, you know? Don't invite Jane.

For the co-workers, I think it is probably easiest and will be most comfortable for your fiance if you just let them switch the guest. Yes, it is not proper etiquette-wise, but they obviously spend lots of time together and talk frequently to your fiance, so no need to rock the boat with his colleagues.