How does one politely decline houseguests?

[pixley]

First off, let me preface this by saying that I actually like my houseguests, I just don’t like having houseguests. We have a 3 br home plus a downstairs bed/bath suite that my husband sleeps in (see the SO sleeping thread for more info) but, suffice it to say, every time we have visitors, the DH gets displaced and he and I have to bunk in the same room, which means we will both be sleep-deprived hosts.

Last summer, a close friend of mine came up with her 3 y.o. daughter and we had a blast, but it was lots of work for my family. DH gave up his room, we took time off work, and proceed to cook, clean and take them on boating adventures for 4 days.

Apparently, they had so much fun that her husband and 5 y.o son want to come up with them next summer. DH is fine with the inconvenience for 4 days, but oddly enough, I’m not. Taking 4 days off of work to work my buns off and be exhausted isn’t my idea of a vacation. 2 guests I could handle, but a family of 4 (the son also has a severe food allergy) would be extremely stressful, especially since her husband doesn’t do any “heavy-lifting” with respect to childminding or cooking, which would leave me on the hook for all of the above. How do I politely decline the lodging request for next summer without totally offending her and her family??? Thanks in advance for any suggestions/advice!

 

[somethingshiny]

It''s tough since you''ve hosted them before. What about just saying "We''d love to see you, I can suggest a great hotel with a pool for the kids."

 

[swingirl]

Inviting your family of 4 to someone's house for a free summer vacation compete with entertainment and private accommodations is a bit much. If you enjoy their company I'd tell them that next year you won't be able to host their stay or take time off work but there are some nice hotels near by that you'd be happy to check out for them. That way they could entertain themselves while you are at work and get together for the evenings.

And hosting someone once doesn't obligate you keep doing it, especially since they've doubled the guest list!!

 

[luv2sparkle]

I agree about suggesting a hotel. I would also plan you own vacation and say you really want to get away and relax and you only get so many vacation days.
You would love to see them but it would work out better if they had a hotel room and you could just visit. After all, you have to go to work the next day.

Okay, maybe there is no easy way but I am with you, it''s not a vacation and I dont like houseguests much either. I dont like staying at anyones house either
and always get a hotel room.

I guess I would just be honest. If they are really good friends they will understand, if not you definitely wont have the problem again!

 

[Kaleigh]

Date: 9/20/2009 8:39:03 PM
Author: somethingshiny
It''s tough since you''ve hosted them before. What about just saying ''We''d love to see you, I can suggest a great hotel with a pool for the kids.''

Ditto. It''s perfect.

 

[luv2sparkle]

P.S. I think it''s kind of rude for them to invite themselves again. There is a bit of cost involved for you. I''m not sure I would worry about offending them since
they weren''t worried about inviting themselves and offending you.

 

[Fly Girl]

I think you said it best yourself. You took 4 days off from work and ended up exhausted from entertaining them. You''d love to see them, but they won''t be able to stay at your home. You gave it a try, you really did, but you are dreading the thought of doing all of that work hosting them again.

BTW, when we purchased our beach home, the former owner gave us a great piece of advice. She said to have the guests bring the food. It vastly simplfies entertaining. We discourage overnight visitors by not having any extra beds in the house.

I vastly prefer honesty, but said in a kindly way, so people understand your position. Good luck.

 

[pixley]

Date: 9/20/2009 8:46:59 PM
Author: swingirl
Inviting your family of 4 to someone''s house for a free summer vacation compete with entertainment and private accommodations is a bit much. If you enjoy their company I''d tell them that next year you won''t be able to host their stay or take time off work but there are some nice hotels near by that you''d be happy to check out for them. That way they could entertain themselves while you are at work and get together for the evenings.

And hosting someone once doesn''t obligate you keep doing it, especially since they''ve doubled the guest list!!

Thank you for saying that! My family is only 3 deep but I would NEVER impose us on another household that we weren''t related to by blood - it''s just too much work, especially since my DH and hers are from two completely different planets, as are our children. Even my DD was asking me "When are they going home?" last summer.

 

[pixley]

Date: 9/20/2009 8:39:03 PM
Author: somethingshiny
It''s tough since you''ve hosted them before. What about just saying ''We''d love to see you, I can suggest a great hotel with a pool for the kids.''

I like your style. Short, sweet and simple. It is tough given that we''ve already hosted them, but then again, they were a smaller family at the time. Even so, it was NOT a good time for us. It was painful, but we made a point of not passing on our misery to our guests.

I''d definitely help them find a hotel, and maybe even see about a house-sitting opportunity for friends of ours, as many families take off for the summer and have people house-sit while they''re away.

 

[CJ2008]

Date: 9/20/2009 9:10:15 PM
Author: pixley

Date: 9/20/2009 8:39:03 PM
Author: somethingshiny
It''s tough since you''ve hosted them before. What about just saying ''We''d love to see you, I can suggest a great hotel with a pool for the kids.''

I like your style. Short, sweet and simple. It is tough given that we''ve already hosted them, but then again, they were a smaller family at the time. Even so, it was NOT a good time for us. It was painful, but we made a point of not passing on our misery to our guests.

I''d definitely help them find a hotel, and maybe even see about a house-sitting opportunity for friends of ours, as many families take off for the summer and have people house-sit while they''re away.

Pixley, do you think you''ll find it easy to say that? I''m curious - I''d probably be petrified to do it fearing offending them. I would find a way to do it, as I would feel the same way you do, but I still would find it really hard.

 

[pixley]

Date: 9/20/2009 8:48:40 PM
Author: luv2sparkle
I agree about suggesting a hotel. I would also plan you own vacation and say you really want to get away and relax and you only get so many vacation days.

You would love to see them but it would work out better if they had a hotel room and you could just visit. After all, you have to go to work the next day.


Okay, maybe there is no easy way but I am with you, it''s not a vacation and I dont like houseguests much either. I dont like staying at anyones house either

and always get a hotel room.


I guess I would just be honest. If they are really good friends they will understand, if not you definitely wont have the problem again!

luv2 - Your post made me laugh! I find hostessing so painful that I rarely even have dinner parties. The thought of a 4-day breakfast, lunch and dinner party sends me right over the edge~ I only ever stay with family that specifically ask me to stay with them, and even then it''s usually just the DD and myself, not the trio. But it''s true - I want my vacation time for time relaxation time with my family and every summer, it seems to get swallowed up by visitors, whom I like to see, but just not when I wake up in the morning.

 

[pixley]

Date: 9/20/2009 8:49:40 PM
Author: Kaleigh

Date: 9/20/2009 8:39:03 PM

Author: somethingshiny

It''s tough since you''ve hosted them before. What about just saying ''We''d love to see you, I can suggest a great hotel with a pool for the kids.''

Ditto. It''s perfect.

Does it work for you, Lisa? I''m willing to use it if it does!

 

[MagsyMay]

I also think it''s a bit rude for your friend to invite her family of 4 to stay with you, regardless of whether you''ve done so in the past! I would never assume (even for just myself, or my FI and I) it was going to be acceptable without an invite! Although I think honesty is best, I can see how it might not be taken well here. Perhaps you could say you aren''t able to get that many days off from work and suggest a nearby hotel and then plan on spending the weekend together?

 

[Fly Girl]

Date: 9/20/2009 9:16:15 PM
Author: pixley

Date: 9/20/2009 8:48:40 PM
Author: luv2sparkle
I agree about suggesting a hotel. I would also plan you own vacation and say you really want to get away and relax and you only get so many vacation days.

You would love to see them but it would work out better if they had a hotel room and you could just visit. After all, you have to go to work the next day.


Okay, maybe there is no easy way but I am with you, it''s not a vacation and I dont like houseguests much either. I dont like staying at anyones house either

and always get a hotel room.


I guess I would just be honest. If they are really good friends they will understand, if not you definitely wont have the problem again!

luv2 - Your post made me laugh! I find hostessing so painful that I rarely even have dinner parties. The thought of a 4-day breakfast, lunch and dinner party sends me right over the edge~ I only ever stay with family that specifically ask me to stay with them, and even then it''s usually just the DD and myself, not the trio. But it''s true - I want my vacation time for time relaxation time with my family and every summer, it seems to get swallowed up by visitors, whom I like to see, but just not when I wake up in the morning.

I respond best to this kind of honesty. You do want to see them, just not have them staying at your house.

 

[pixley]

Date: 9/20/2009 8:54:50 PM
Author: Fly Girl
I think you said it best yourself. You took 4 days off from work and ended up exhausted from entertaining them. You''d love to see them, but they won''t be able to stay at your home. You gave it a try, you really did, but you are dreading the thought of doing all of that work hosting them again.


BTW, when we purchased our beach home, the former owner gave us a great piece of advice. She said to have the guests bring the food. It vastly simplfies entertaining. We discourage overnight visitors by not having any extra beds in the house.

I vastly prefer honesty, but said in a kindly way, so people understand your position. Good luck.

Thanks FlyGirl - I too prefer honesty, but don''t want to hurt anyone''s feelings. I love the tip about having guests bring the food! How does that work? Are they responsible for a-meal-a-day? I''ve got to make a point of trying that one out next summer!
And we seriously don''t have any extra beds, but no one seems to really believe that DH and I sleep separately.

 

[pixley]

Date: 9/20/2009 9:14:16 PM
Author: CJ2008

Date: 9/20/2009 9:10:15 PM

Author: pixley

Date: 9/20/2009 8:39:03 PM

Author: somethingshiny

It''s tough since you''ve hosted them before. What about just saying ''We''d love to see you, I can suggest a great hotel with a pool for the kids.''

I like your style. Short, sweet and simple. It is tough given that we''ve already hosted them, but then again, they were a smaller family at the time. Even so, it was NOT a good time for us. It was painful, but we made a point of not passing on our misery to our guests.

I''d definitely help them find a hotel, and maybe even see about a house-sitting opportunity for friends of ours, as many families take off for the summer and have people house-sit while they''re away.

Pixley, do you think you''ll find it easy to say that? I''m curious - I''d probably be petrified to do it fearing offending them. I would find a way to do it, as I would feel the same way you do, but I still would find it really hard.

Oh it''ll definitely be hard, but I fear if I use any approach that''s not honest, then it''ll keep coming up and I''ll have to deal with it again and again.

 

[Fly Girl]

Date: 9/20/2009 9:24:27 PM
Author: pixley

Date: 9/20/2009 8:54:50 PM
Author: Fly Girl
I think you said it best yourself. You took 4 days off from work and ended up exhausted from entertaining them. You''d love to see them, but they won''t be able to stay at your home. You gave it a try, you really did, but you are dreading the thought of doing all of that work hosting them again.


BTW, when we purchased our beach home, the former owner gave us a great piece of advice. She said to have the guests bring the food. It vastly simplfies entertaining. We discourage overnight visitors by not having any extra beds in the house.

I vastly prefer honesty, but said in a kindly way, so people understand your position. Good luck.

Thanks FlyGirl - I too prefer honesty, but don''t want to hurt anyone''s feelings. I love the tip about having guests bring the food! How does that work? Are they responsible for a-meal-a-day? I''ve got to make a point of trying that one out next summer!
And we seriously don''t have any extra beds, but no one seems to really believe that DH and I sleep separately.

Most of our visitors are day trippers, so they bring dishes for lunch from home. There is generally enough left over for supper if they stay that long. If you have overnight guests, then yes, working out a cooking schedule in advance is necessary so they are aware of their responsibilities.

 

[pixley]

Date: 9/20/2009 9:28:17 PM
Author: Fly Girl

Date: 9/20/2009 9:24:27 PM

Author: pixley

Date: 9/20/2009 8:54:50 PM

Author: Fly Girl

I think you said it best yourself. You took 4 days off from work and ended up exhausted from entertaining them. You''d love to see them, but they won''t be able to stay at your home. You gave it a try, you really did, but you are dreading the thought of doing all of that work hosting them again.

BTW, when we purchased our beach home, the former owner gave us a great piece of advice. She said to have the guests bring the food. It vastly simplfies entertaining. We discourage overnight visitors by not having any extra beds in the house.

I vastly prefer honesty, but said in a kindly way, so people understand your position. Good luck.

Thanks FlyGirl - I too prefer honesty, but don''t want to hurt anyone''s feelings. I love the tip about having guests bring the food! How does that work? Are they responsible for a-meal-a-day? I''ve got to make a point of trying that one out next summer!

And we seriously don''t have any extra beds, but no one seems to really believe that DH and I sleep separately.

Most of our visitors are day trippers, so they bring dishes for lunch from home. There is generally enough left over for supper if they stay that long. If you have overnight guests, then yes, working out a cooking schedule in advance is necessary so they are aware of their responsibilities.

This is a revelation! I''m definitely going to institute this rule next summer.

And on a sidenote, I really can''t stand houseguests who are picky eaters.

 

[Fly Girl]

Date: 9/20/2009 9:32:18 PM
Author: pixley

Date: 9/20/2009 9:28:17 PM
Author: Fly Girl

Date: 9/20/2009 9:24:27 PM

Author: pixley

Date: 9/20/2009 8:54:50 PM

Author: Fly Girl

I think you said it best yourself. You took 4 days off from work and ended up exhausted from entertaining them. You''d love to see them, but they won''t be able to stay at your home. You gave it a try, you really did, but you are dreading the thought of doing all of that work hosting them again.

BTW, when we purchased our beach home, the former owner gave us a great piece of advice. She said to have the guests bring the food. It vastly simplfies entertaining. We discourage overnight visitors by not having any extra beds in the house.

I vastly prefer honesty, but said in a kindly way, so people understand your position. Good luck.

Thanks FlyGirl - I too prefer honesty, but don''t want to hurt anyone''s feelings. I love the tip about having guests bring the food! How does that work? Are they responsible for a-meal-a-day? I''ve got to make a point of trying that one out next summer!

And we seriously don''t have any extra beds, but no one seems to really believe that DH and I sleep separately.

Most of our visitors are day trippers, so they bring dishes for lunch from home. There is generally enough left over for supper if they stay that long. If you have overnight guests, then yes, working out a cooking schedule in advance is necessary so they are aware of their responsibilities.

This is a revelation! I''m definitely going to institute this rule next summer.

And on a sidenote, I really can''t stand houseguests who are picky eaters.

LOL! An even better reason for them to bring their own food. Our vegan friends figured this out ages ago.

 

[Kaleigh]

Date: 9/20/2009 9:17:40 PM
Author: pixley

Date: 9/20/2009 8:49:40 PM
Author: Kaleigh

Date: 9/20/2009 8:39:03 PM

Author: somethingshiny

It's tough since you've hosted them before. What about just saying 'We'd love to see you, I can suggest a great hotel with a pool for the kids.'

Ditto. It's perfect.

Does it work for you, Lisa? I'm willing to use it if it does!

Oh Pixley, yeah it does. We have a vacation house in Nantucket and one in FLA. Don't get me started on the FLA house. But with the Nantucket house, I said if we buy it, I said we have to make a pact..... NO houseguests.... I said this is OUR haven away from home. I don't want to be cooking, and cleaning... Ya know that saying fish and houseguests start to smell after 3 days? So we give them a long list of hotels, and guest houses. We will show friends the Island and a great time, just not under our roof.

We usually take them to play golf, to the beach club, dinner out etc... It ain't cheap!!

We do have a guest cottage, but there is no plumbing.. Last thing I need is for them to use the Loo (SP) in the middle of the night!!

The FLA house we give when we are not there, and it's not rented for the season.... That I can deal with..
I find it amazing how balsy people are about asking, hey can we stay at your place?? Stick a fork in me please!!!

ETA: Is balsy a word???

 

[somethingshiny]

DH and I used to go to TX frequently and stay with my cousin''s family. She and her family would also come to IL and stay with us. Before the trip, we''d figure out meal schedules since that was the biggest expense incurred. While we were with her family we''d take them out or buy and make dinner for her family. We only worried about suppers because we were gone during the days. When her family of 4 and then 5 was staying with us, she''d bring breakfast supplies, I''d provide lunch and then we''d split dinners. IT never occurred to me that house guests WOULDN''T provide some of the meals. I think I''d go nuts if I was having to prepare every meal of the day for guests.

 

[pixley]

Date: 9/20/2009 9:41:24 PM
Author: somethingshiny
DH and I used to go to TX frequently and stay with my cousin''s family. She and her family would also come to IL and stay with us. Before the trip, we''d figure out meal schedules since that was the biggest expense incurred. While we were with her family we''d take them out or buy and make dinner for her family. We only worried about suppers because we were gone during the days. When her family of 4 and then 5 was staying with us, she''d bring breakfast supplies, I''d provide lunch and then we''d split dinners. IT never occurred to me that house guests WOULDN''T provide some of the meals. I think I''d go nuts if I was having to prepare every meal of the day for guests.

I love this plan - we did this at a summer home that we co-rented with friends and it worked out beautifully. Took all the stress out of meal planning and made it fun, but it seemed more obvious because it was a neutral house. In her defense, she did cook one meal when she visited last summer, although she may have more babysitting next time around with her husband and son there as they both require tending to.

 

[MissGotRocks]

The other thing is this - if your place becomes a great fun place to visit, they will arrange to come every summer. Better to try and nip it in the bud now. Who wouldn''t like to go to a fun place where you don''t have to pay for hotels and food? That''s a great vacation!

I certainly wouldn''t hesitate to explain that you only have so many vacation days from work and have planned to use all of yours on your own vacation. Love the suggestion of them having their own room and visiting in the evenings.

I''m not much for houseguests either and I certainly don''t impose myself on others. I just don''t get the inviting yourself to someone''s home for four or five days. However, if you do that, you have to be prepared to be turned down!

As a footnote, saying no to this request does not make you a bad friend. It just says that you would like to have some control of your own life and how your days are spent. There is nothing wrong with that IMO.

 

[pixley]

Date: 9/20/2009 9:39:53 PM
Author: Kaleigh

Date: 9/20/2009 9:17:40 PM

Author: pixley

Date: 9/20/2009 8:49:40 PM

Author: Kaleigh

Date: 9/20/2009 8:39:03 PM

Author: somethingshiny

It's tough since you've hosted them before. What about just saying 'We'd love to see you, I can suggest a great hotel with a pool for the kids.'

Ditto. It's perfect.

Does it work for you, Lisa? I'm willing to use it if it does!

Oh Pixley, yeah it does. We have a vacation house in Nantucket and one in FLA. Don't get me started on the FLA house. But with the Nantucket house, I said if we buy it, I said we have to make a pact..... NO houseguests.... I said this is OUR haven away from home. I don't want to be cooking, and cleaning... Ya know that saying fish and houseguests start to smell after 3 days? So we give them a long list of hotels, and guest houses. We will show friends the Isalnd and a great time, just not under our roof.

We usually take them to play golf, to the beach club, dinner out etc... It ain't cheap!!


We do have a guest cottage, but there is no plumbing.. Last thing I need is for them to use the Loo (SP) in the middle of the night!!

The FLA house we give when we are not there, and it's not rented for the season.... That I can deal with..

I find it amazing how balsy people are about asking, hey can we stay at your place?? Stick a fork in me please!!!

ROFL

- I guess I should mention that for parties of one, I don't really mind the company - so I may not be able to get away with the "NO GUESTS, period" rule, but a party of four is over the top for us.
I can see why people would love to stay with you - coastal locations aside, you and your family must be loads of fun!

And ETA - balsy is totally a word in my dictionary. Spelled like palsy, but with a "B".

 

[pixley]

Date: 9/20/2009 9:57:15 PM
Author: MissGotRocks
The other thing is this - if your place becomes a great fun place to visit, they will arrange to come every summer. Better to try and nip it in the bud now. Who wouldn''t like to go to a fun place where you don''t have to pay for hotels and food? That''s a great vacation!


I certainly wouldn''t hesitate to explain that you only have so many vacation days from work and have planned to use all of yours on your own vacation. Love the suggestion of them having their own room and visiting in the evenings.


I''m not much for houseguests either and I certainly don''t impose myself on others. I just don''t get the inviting yourself to someone''s home for four or five days. However, if you do that, you have to be prepared to be turned down!


As a footnote, saying no to this request does not make you a bad friend. It just says that you would like to have some control of your own life and how your days are spent. There is nothing wrong with that IMO.

So true! Most of our visitors do a yearly trip, I just never imagined they would be the type to do so, but her DH had such a relaxing trip the first time around, he wants in on the action. EEEEK! You are right, I do need to nip this in the bud! And yes, as friendships go, we''ve gotten over harder things than this, it''s just that I''m dreading returning the call.

 

[MissGotRocks]

Date: 9/20/2009 10:05:13 PM
Author: pixley

Date: 9/20/2009 9:57:15 PM
Author: MissGotRocks
The other thing is this - if your place becomes a great fun place to visit, they will arrange to come every summer. Better to try and nip it in the bud now. Who wouldn''t like to go to a fun place where you don''t have to pay for hotels and food? That''s a great vacation!


I certainly wouldn''t hesitate to explain that you only have so many vacation days from work and have planned to use all of yours on your own vacation. Love the suggestion of them having their own room and visiting in the evenings.


I''m not much for houseguests either and I certainly don''t impose myself on others. I just don''t get the inviting yourself to someone''s home for four or five days. However, if you do that, you have to be prepared to be turned down!


As a footnote, saying no to this request does not make you a bad friend. It just says that you would like to have some control of your own life and how your days are spent. There is nothing wrong with that IMO.

So true! Most of our visitors do a yearly trip, I just never imagined they would be the type to do so, but her DH had such a relaxing trip the first time around, he wants in on the action. EEEEK! You are right, I do need to nip this in the bud! And yes, as friendships go, we''ve gotten over harder things than this, it''s just that I''m dreading returning the call.

I do understand and it''s unfortunate for you to be placed in the position of having to make that phone call. As with all things we dread though, the sooner the better!

Good luck - I do feel your pain!

 

[pixley]

Thanks so much for the advice, all! A part of me thought I was crazy for the way I felt - and I sort of chalked it up to OCS (Only Child Syndrome), but I can see that I''m not completely out of line. Must step away to go cook my non-vegan dinner now!

A neighbour found out I had a bad cold and she brought over some curries and a sauce to pour over the halibut my DH caught! YUM!!!

 

[Kaleigh]

Just make it short and sweet. Hey, we know you''d love to visit, here are some great places to stay. Let us know when you make the reservations. Look forward to seeing you then....

No more no less... I find the more you say, the more you dig yourself in a hole....

I have been at this for a loooong time...

If my girlfriend wants to stay with us??? No problem, it''s a problem if it''s a party of 4 , and their damn dog..... I am not a hotel, not a kennel...

 

[kenny]

The impolite person may be the one inviting themselves to be your houseguest if they can't take a simple "we're busy that weekend" for an answer.

If anyone assumes they can barge in and stay overnight I'd just say something like, "I'm afraid that won't work for us.", and leave it at that.

If they are so rude as to not take that hint and insist on inviting themselves, you may take it to the next level, "I'm sorry but we are not comfortable with houseguests."

If they are so rude as to say, "But Aunt Mary stayed here last week . . . " you are free to return to bluntness and say, "Yes but I like Aunt Mary, she has such good manners."
Again why do people let others walk all over them in the name of being nice?

 

[perry]

In your situation I''d suggest several nearby hotels and offer to get together on evenings and weekends.

However, in general the subject covers several situations.

I have had a number of houseguest - for one night.

It is the rare situation for more than that. I would not allow anyone to invite themselves over for a multiday stay. I would however gladly provide someone in trouble a place to crash and stabilize until they can figure out something else.

I tend to visit freinds - for 1 night. Only rarely more than that.

Even then - I often book a hotel in the area up front - and there are only a couple situations where they want me to stay with them.

However - if someone want me to come over for a weekend (or longer) to work on their house or some other project. Then I do expect a place to crash and food. No one has complained about that.

Perry