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IluvEmeralds

IluvEmeralds

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Aug 13, 2008
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Tell people not to buy you things you don''t need, and that in a NICE way you would prefer $$ as a wedding gift??

Okay, so I have an etiquette question for all you BIW''s or past brides who have done this before. My FI and I would like to send out invites to our reception party after we get back from our wedding in the Keys. However, we are unsure how to word the invitation. We don''t plan on registering anywhere since we have lived together for 4+ years and already have a storage unit because we can''t fit everything into our home. We thought of registering for a honeymoon site...but I''m unsure of how those work. (Has anyone tried this??) AND to make matters worse, my sister requested cash on her invitation (I believe I posted on this back then) and it went over HORRIBLY so we definetly want to avoid this. Does anyone have any suggestions? Really we aren''t EXPECTING or demanding gifts all we really want to do is have a fun relaxing party, but I''m already having people ask where we are registered, and some are very surprised/ruffled at the thought of us not registering anywhere. Suggestions??

I''d like to be able send out invites or at least STD''s by the end of the month....

Thanks!
:)ILE
 
This is a tough one and I think that there are honestly no options OTHER than registering,
my fiance and i are in our 30''s. have lived together for years and dont need "stuff" and would much prefer $$ but there is no tactful was to do this, that i know of.

I will be interested to read the responses you get to see if anyone has any ideas.
We are at the point where we have just accepted that we NEED to register.
I have actually had close friends tell me this.
 
Thanks ILPC!! FI and I are starting to think this too...we don''t WANT to register...but so many of our friends keep asking and I know his family will not like the fact that we don''t. I really am hoping someone can suggest a tactful way to avoid this. We pay so much money each month to store our stuff that doesn''t fit, that I would hate to add more to it.

Has ANYONE gotten away with not registering?

Or, has anyone done the honeymoon registrations??

Suggestions of all kinds are welcome....since we are getting married in about 90+ days...I''m really at a loss and a need to do something soon.

Thanks!
:)ILE
 
Honeymoon registrations are very popular here in Australia. As couples are getting married older and after they have established their homes, they don''t need housy stuff and a paid honeymoon is fabulous! I have been a guest at a few weddings where they have had the HM reg, and I have happily contributed to it. It''s nice to know that the newlyweds are having a great holiday instead of another 5 toasters
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I think it''s perfectly acceptable to do a HM register, however be prepared that some ''older'' or more ''traditional'' guest may still want to turn up with something wrapped.
 
I don''t know of any ''correct'' way to ask for cash, I think that it goes over like a lead balloon everytime. However, I think the honeymoon registry is a better idea. Also, what about registering at stores for stuff you do need? Not necessarily home stuff like pots, pans and sheets, but like Home Depot or Lowe''s for home improvement stuff, or amazon.com for books or other items? There are different stores out there that do let you register, I would look around and see what you can find, and I am sure that the ladies on here have ideas for you too!
 
Thanks honey and blair!! I appreciate your suggestions! Blair you''re right we thought about registering at "non traditional" places....I''d love to hear from others who have done this and how it worked for them!


Any and all thoughts are welcome! I''m at a total loss and FI has left this all up to me!!
 
You could always say "No gifts, please" on the invitation if you don''t want stuff.

If what you want is money, there''s no good way to say that. And there will be people who don''t want to give money as a gift, no matter what you want!

We don''t really need much stuff, but we keep adding items to our registries because we''d rather receive things we''ve picked out (and can return) than whatever people feel like giving us. People keep telling us there''s not enough to choose from and we''re going to get a lot of things we didn''t register for. I guess that true, because in spite of our 4 registries we''ve gotten a bunch of engagement gifts from other places.
 
Some people don''t register, and then when guests ask where they''re registered they say "We aren''t registered anywhere because we already have everything we could possibly want." Of course, as a guest I''d take this to mean that you don''t need money, either, if you already have it all, so I''d buy you a unique gift instead of giving cash.

I''m not a fan of honeymoon registries, but many brides on here have had success with them. If you search for honeymoon registry you''ll find some threads.

OR, you could look at this as an opportunity to register for finer things than you already have. If I were in your position, I''d register for fine linens and dishes to replace what I already have. Then I''d donate my old things.

And you are correct to not mention gifts or your preference for certain types (e.g. cash or registry info) AT ALL on any of your wedding stationery. It is extremely presumptuous to do so, and quite gauche.

My hubby and I were a bit older when we married, and we opted to register for finer items than we already had. It was a lot of fun to move into our first home together with beautiful dishes and linens.
 
I'm with Haven. Make a small registry of things you want to upgrade. And then have the moms/sisters/someone who isn't you politely spread the word that you are saving for a house, honeymoon, etc. when they get asked what you guys want. But there is just no tactful way for you ask for cash IMO.
 
Date: 12/29/2008 7:37:14 PM
Author: neatfreak
I''m with Haven. Make a small registry of things you want to upgrade. And then have the moms/sisters/someone who isn''t you politely spread the word that you are saving for a house, honeymoon, etc. when they get asked what you guys want. But there is just no tactful way for you ask for cash IMO.
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I agree that this is the only tactful way to suggest a cash gift to your guests. There is no polite way for you to do so yourself.
 
Date: 12/29/2008 8:03:06 PM
Author: kittybean

Date: 12/29/2008 7:37:14 PM
Author: neatfreak
I''m with Haven. Make a small registry of things you want to upgrade. And then have the moms/sisters/someone who isn''t you politely spread the word that you are saving for a house, honeymoon, etc. when they get asked what you guys want. But there is just no tactful way for you ask for cash IMO.
Click to expand...
I agree that this is the only tactful way to suggest a cash gift to your guests. There is no polite way for you to do so yourself.
Click to expand...

Thanks haven and kittybean! That''s a very valid point, and I DEF don''t want to offend anyone...which is why I''m asking. My sister made SO MANY people mad with her invites...I want to avoid this at all costs.

I genuinely appreciate the honesty!

:)ILE
 
I didn''t register when I got married. My husband and I were 26 when we got married, and we both had already lived on our own and didn''t need anything. We had requested no gifts, but people felt the need to get us stuff. We ended up with lots of mismatched dish sets, cookware we already had, and stuff for the house in colors I''d never pick out. I should have registered.
 
Date: 12/29/2008 7:37:14 PM
Author: neatfreak
I'm with Haven. Make a small registry of things you want to upgrade. And then have the moms/sisters/someone who isn't you politely spread the word that you are saving for a house, honeymoon, etc. when they get asked what you guys want. But there is just no tactful way for you ask for cash IMO.
Click to expand...

This is what we did. Some people just WANT to get you a gift. It's what they want to do for you, kinda regardless of what you want. They want something for you to remember them by. We spread the word and many people did give us cash, but there were people who I KNOW were told that we would prefer cash who bought us gifts. Good thing is, we only got two off registry gifts. So it was actually a nice way to get things we nornally would have waited to buy ourselves.

ETA: My definition of 'off registry' BTW is gifts purchased from places other than where we registered. Some people did get us gifts we didn't register for, but from the stores we did register at... I still count those as registry gifts because I was able to completely track them, at Crate and Barrel they were added to our registry, and then I was able to return them for cash (BBB) or registry items I prefered, or merchandise credit.
 
Date: 12/29/2008 8:03:06 PM
Author: kittybean
Date: 12/29/2008 7:37:14 PM

Author: neatfreak

I''m with Haven. Make a small registry of things you want to upgrade. And then have the moms/sisters/someone who isn''t you politely spread the word that you are saving for a house, honeymoon, etc. when they get asked what you guys want. But there is just no tactful way for you ask for cash IMO.
Click to expand...

I agree that this is the only tactful way to suggest a cash gift to your guests. There is no polite way for you to do so yourself.
Click to expand...

I totally agree with this.
 
I don''t think there''s really a polite way to tell people that you would prefer money.

We weren''t going to register because we had lived together before getting engaged. We didn''t think we needed anything at first. Then I kept hearing from my mom that we should register because it at least gives people a place to start when they''re looking for gift ideas. We realized that we could replace things like sheets, towels, glass ware, and we could upgrade pots and pans, etc. We registered at Macy''s and Crate and Barrel and we didn''t have any problems with either place.

We briefly looked into registering at a honeymoon site but we dicided against it. They charge a big percentage if I remember correctly. I know that others here have done it and it seemed to work well. In the end, it just wasn''t what we wanted to do.
 
I''d be interested to hear if honeymoon registries work well too. The ones I''ve looked at charge the gift givers fees on top of the gift, which is where they make their money, and I felt bad doing that to guests.

I think the upgrading is a good idea. At first I was all for the honeymoon registry b/c we both already have lots of things to cover all our needs, but it''s all patched together and nothing matches. It''d be nice to have some quality things that all go together.

I also thing registering at unusual places is a great idea. Home Depot, electronics, art stores, REI and camping/outdoor equipment... and a lot of places with big items will let people donate to them in increments.

Here''s a good website about unusual registry ideas: http://weddings.about.com/gi/dynamic/offsite.htm?site=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.newyorkmetro.com%2Fshopping%2Fguides%2Fweddings%2Fregistries%2Ffeatures%2Funusual.htm
 
We didn''t register, because where I live it would have been viewed in much the same light as asking for money. I''d have loved to register and pick out gifts, even though we lived together for a few years and had all we needed. Upgrading would have been fun! We don''t get to register for baby gifts here either. Perhaps I need to move.
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In the end, we made up a small card giving details of the cancer research charity we support and letting people know that we''d be delighted if they would make a donation as a wedding gift to us. We gave this to anyone who asked about a gift. A few people gave us other gifts, but most people just sent us a card to say they''d donated. Noone was offended, as far as I know. A few people actually sent us money directly and said we could donate it if we wanted, or buy something for ourselves.

Whatever you do, some people will likely do their own thing, but hey, that''s weddings for you!

Jen
 
WOW!! First of all thank you to EVERYONE who responded and Happy New Year to you all. I apologize for the delay in my response, but my laptop crashed and I had to take it to get repaired....so I''ve been MIA for a few days.


All of these ideas have REALLY got me thinking. I really like the idea of upgrading a few of our things. We just recently got a king sized bed, and maybe some nicer sheets, comforters would be nice. Also a new coffemaker....so that''s a great idea. My FI really liked the idea of registering at unconventional places like Home Depot because that would mean we could make upgrades to the house....which he loves to do. So I def. think he''s all for that.

I''d LOVE to hear from anyone who used a honeymoon registery. We''re both debating on that idea right now...

Has anyone had success or issues with this? All input would be great!

Thanks again to those who already responded...I appreciate the honest feeback. My worst fear in this is offending people. We still have some family members who are pissed from how my sister handled hers since she specifically asked for cash on her wedding invitation...which I would NEVER do...but it makes me more sensitive in how to handle this one.

:)ILE
 
You can''t. I let people know I was moving abroad, and had my parents tell anyone who asked that we had limited packing space and preferred cash or something from the registry. I still received many more handmade or oh they''ll love this! gifts than money or registry items. I had a few people flat out tell me that I''d either get the handmade decorative plate (or some such item) that they give every couple or nothing when they found out we preferred cash. I left several gifts beyond when I moved to either be listed on ebay or donated. People give what they want to give.
 
DH and I got married in the summer. We're both mid-30's and so have been living away from home for a very long time.

We registered at 'John Lewis' which is where 99% of people in the UK register - so we didn't actually have to tell anyone as they just assumed they'd find our list there. We also don't have showers over here, so registry items are wedding gifts.

We upgraded our china, saucepans, bedlinen, cutlery, glasses, roasting tins etc and added a few things like a digital shower radio and a really nice piece of art glass. Oh, and a top-of-the-range titanium Kenwood mixer.

I still received a lot of off-registry gifts and about 5 cheques (out of 120 guests).

Requests for money or buying from a honeymoon registry would not go down well with our relatives or my parents friends so the registry was the best thing we could do. Once we started doing it, it was lots of fun and I really enjoy having gorgeous sheets - of the sort that I would never have gone and bought for myself!

Don't put anything on the invitation itself - brief the mothers as to where you are registered and people will normally ask.
 
lots of great ideas on this page. I just said "No Gifts will be accepted" on our website. we don''t want to register, we don''t want stuff that we don''t want and there''s no way I could ask people for cash, especially since we don''t need it.

please don''t ever say that you''d like cash to pay for your honeymoon. that just sounds really cheap. you shouldn''t be booking any trips that you can''t afford. I guess that means I don''t agree with honeymoon registries either. that said, I have given wedding couples money for this as it''s what they asked, but I couldn''t help thinking that if you don''t have the money to go on honeymoon, maybe you should be saving the cash for more important things.
 
We''re in our 30s and don''t need much either. We registered for some things at macys that we wanted but did not already have (700 thread count sheet, nice towels, upgraded our current small kitchen appliances to better quality ones). I wanted to do this mostly for the bridal shower. We also spread the word through our bridal party and parents that we would prefer cash. We only received 2 gifts that were not on our registry, most everything on our registry, and a good lump of cash, and a couple gift cards.
 
We didn''t register, but we also weren''t seeking cash. When guests asked we told them our gift was their attendance at our wedding, if they pushed we offered up the names of a few charities we''d selected that we would prefer they donate money to rather than purchase items for us. Some guests gave as lovely cards, a few gave us very thoughtful gifts, and a few guests made donations to charities we''d mentioned.
 
There are some suggestions in this thread: https://www.pricescope.com/community/threads/what-if-you-dont-register.61620/

I love what Deco did! (copied and pasted below)

"We didn't register ... and on our wedding website we had a little section called "booty" ... if people clicked on it (presumably to find out where we are registered) .. we had a cheeky note about having too much "stuff" -- the only present we wanted was their presense ... but that there would be a box at the reception with a hole __ x ___ big ... and a list of suggested deposits: Cards, Pop Tarts, Tickets to exotic locale .... also a list of things NOT to deposit: Liquids, incriminating photos, anything currently on fire.

People got the idea.

Oh, and I'm almost 40 -- I don't give a **** about etiquitte"
 
Well this might seem a little strange considering the above post but I live in Australia and in the past five years I have gone to approximately 10 weddings or more and each couple (mostly on the younger side) had a "money tree". There is a really sweet poem attached to the wedding invite saying what we all know to be true: that they are in love and have lived together, have all appliances they need, but would appreaciate a small amount of money from the guest instead of a gift. If it is worded nicely I don''t see any reason why it should be tacky and I have personallly never been offended by it, its just practical really.

My Fi just went to his cousin wedding they had a registery and a money tree, that is what we plan to do. Although we would just prefer the money, we are aware that some people would like to give a tradional gift ie grandparents.
 
Date: 12/30/2008 5:50:56 PM
Author: Mrs Mitchell
We didn''t register, because where I live it would have been viewed in much the same light as asking for money. I''d have loved to register and pick out gifts, even though we lived together for a few years and had all we needed. Upgrading would have been fun! We don''t get to register for baby gifts here either. Perhaps I need to move.
8.gif



In the end, we made up a small card giving details of the cancer research charity we support and letting people know that we''d be delighted if they would make a donation as a wedding gift to us. We gave this to anyone who asked about a gift. A few people gave us other gifts, but most people just sent us a card to say they''d donated. Noone was offended, as far as I know. A few people actually sent us money directly and said we could donate it if we wanted, or buy something for ourselves.


Whatever you do, some people will likely do their own thing, but hey, that''s weddings for you!


Jen
Click to expand...

That is really such a nice thing for you to do, and really, if the wedding gifts do not have a practical purpose of setting you up as a couple, perhaps that is the most ''modern'' thing to do...? I have to confess, I was completely at a loss regarding the wedding gifts as well. I really would have preferred it if our friends and family had simply forgotten all about presents, and just come and enjoyed their party with us.

Although, my favourite uncle (or rather, his gorgeous wife) selected a really nice glass cheese platter that I get a kick out of seeing and using...
but that is pretty much the only wedding present that was of any consequence for me...I like it because it is useful, tasteful, (and doesn''t have to match anything) and most importantly it reminds me of their presence at my wedding!

My bridesmaids circulated a list of off-the-top-of-head options that I wrote down, for the people that were asking around for what we might want...it had everything from glassware to bedlinen...
20.gif
 
Again I just wanted to pop in and say thank you to each of you for taking the time to give me help I need to handle this situation. I really appreciate it. I''m still not sure what I''m going to do...but you''ve given me things to think about.

Thanks!
:)ILE
 
Emeralds, As you can see from everyone's responses, it really depends where you live, where your families are from, cultural norms, etc. We did not want to register, but was forced into it by family who pointed out my friend who got 6 crock pots and no way to return any of them. So we registered at Bloomies, where I returned many many items that we didn't want to begin with, exchanged picture frames and such for high end appliances with warranties. Still some people got mad at us for not registering for enough stuff! I am however super glad that we got nice knives. The spendy ones are just so much nicer. Remember Bed Bath and Beyond gives cash for returns...wonder if they still do that. Most of all, glad you aren't mentioning gifts at all in your invites. That is just awk. and not OK.

Good luck with all and Mazel Tov on your engagement.
 
OMG I couldn''t have written that any better myself. FI and I are in exactly the same boat.

Our whole idea was to do everything loooooow key. so we are getting married in Belize on our honeymoon. no guests, no nuthin.
then we did plan to have a party when we got back to include friends and nearby family.

both of us have TONS of basic living stuff like pots pans, dishes, glasses, furntiure, sheets, towels - the works. So we were NOT planning on registering. And I totally got flack for it!
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Some people said I just HAD to register! Others said it was rude not to because guest will expect and want to get us something. Uggh.. fine.

So we have relented and we are now registered on Crate & Barrel. We basically put things on our registry that we think will need replacing sometime in the near future so at least if we get things they will be things we can use. Our pots and pans admittedly are old. Our dishes are getting chipped and our silverware is starting to get a weird tarnish even though it''s stainless steel (??) so we signed up for things like that.

But really we''d prefer gift cards so that people don''t feel like they have to spend the money on the the items we have chosen. if someone wants to give 10 bucks, great.
I have put the word out to my parents, and to my close friends who are doing my bridal shower where we are registered and that we would prefer gift cards. So we''ll see how it goes.
 
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