How do you politely tell your MIL that she is rude?

[zhuzhu]

We were just talking to my MIL for regular "catch-up" talk. All the sudden she was telling us how her daughtor (my SIL) would be coming to visit us in the Fall. And then she said "She was going to come when we went to visit you last time, but she did not feel well so she changed her mind".

I mean , WTF? This was all behind our back, we never invited them, they never visited DH when he lived in a different state, a much smaller city.

Now we have a place in a much more tourist-friendly state, they not only invite themselves over without any consideration for our schedule, but also starting to invite other members of the family?

It is not like she is checking with us to see if it is OK, she said "she will be coming in Fall".

"I am so angry about being treated like this. Just because we are family by law, does not give you the right to decide for me who and when to invite to come visit at MY house. "

So, how do I tell her the above sentence in a transformed, polite way? Thanks!

 

[diamondseeker2006]

I''d suggest that you NOT do it! Have your husband tell her that you''d be happy to see them, but please check back before making arrangements to find a convenient date.

 

[fleur-de-lis]

Especially in light of the background stories, count another vote for the need for your husband to address this point with her.

Not just for her. It''d be good for him too.

 

[Kaleigh]

Date: 1/22/2010 9:11:50 PM
Author: fleur-de-lis
Especially in light of the background stories, count another vote for the need for your husband to address this point with her.

Not just for her. It''d be good for him too.

Big ditto. This has to happen, sooner than later....

 

[zhuzhu]

Hehe, I guess you can all tell my writing that i am so angry that I am shaking?

 

[rierie26]

Date: 1/22/2010 9:02:31 PM
Author: diamondseeker2006
I''d suggest that you NOT do it! Have your husband tell her that you''d be happy to see them, but please check back before making arrangements to find a convenient date.

Ditto. I''m of the school that you don''t critique your ILs directly but let their kid (your DH) do it for you. It would probably go over better.

On a side note, is your MIL related to my family?!?!?

They all invite themselves over for visits without asking all the time so I feel your pain. In fact I got a nice surprise when my cousin emailed me last month to let me know that she was excited to come visit me (and stay in my apartment, natch). I wasn''t aware that I had invited her, but there you go.

 

[rierie26]

"Hehe, I guess you can all tell my writing that i am so angry that I am shaking?"


Seriously. Is she related to my family?

It sucks. I get angry all the time when this happens, but in the end I guess it's good they want to visit you and spend time with you. It's not offensive when it's family, right?

 

[zhuzhu]

Date: 1/22/2010 9:27:03 PM
Author: Kitcha
''Hehe, I guess you can all tell my writing that i am so angry that I am shaking?''



Seriously. Is she related to my family?

It sucks. I get angry all the time when this happens, but in the end I guess it''s good they want to visit you and spend time with you. It''s not offensive when it''s family, right?

It should not be offensive normally, but when they criticize me at my own house when they are here as guests, it is becoming a nightmare to even think about their visits.

 

[MonkeyPants]

yup I have FPILs just like this. Can''t stand it but I put on a happy face when I see them...then DFi gets it when they''re gone

I try not to complain to him about his own family but usually he agrees with me. So sorry you have to deal with this ZZ.

 

[Kaleigh]

Date: 1/22/2010 9:23:54 PM
Author: zhuzhu
Hehe, I guess you can all tell my writing that i am so angry that I am shaking?

I have been there zhuzhu. I can tell you, having your DH have the talk will go over better than you doing it. BUT here''s the thing... My DH wasn''t so good at it.

I guess because his dad died early at 37, he was always afraid of hurting his Mom. I sooooo get that. But there was a point where she was causing all sorts of problems with SIL''s and their husbands.

I stood up to her. I had to. I said you know what??? You keep at this, you''re not going to have anyone that wants to be around you.

Stop the craziness. It''s enough.

That was the best thing I ever did. She respects me, loves me, and we are back to being very good friends. She suffered a lot, and I got that, was willing to look beyond it, but once kids were born all bets were off.

I do love her, and am sooooo glad we worked things out.

She needs to respect you, your life and your time. Period.

 

[zhuzhu]

Date: 1/22/2010 9:44:54 PM
Author: Kaleigh

Date: 1/22/2010 9:23:54 PM

Author: zhuzhu

Hehe, I guess you can all tell my writing that i am so angry that I am shaking?

I have been there zhuzhu. I can tell you, having your DH have the talk will go over better than you doing it. BUT here''s the thing... My DH wasn''t so good at it.


I guess because his dad died early at 37, he was always afraid of hurting his Mom. I sooooo get that. But there was a point where she was causing all sorts of problems with SIL''s and their husbands.


I stood up to her. I had to. I said you know what??? You keep at this, you''re not going to have anyone that wants to be around you.


Stop the craziness. It''s enough.


That was the best thing I ever did. She respects me, loves me, and we are back to being very good friends. She suffered a lot, and I got that, was willing to look beyond it, but once kids were born all bets were off.


I do love her, and am sooooo glad we worked things out.


She needs to respect you, your life and your time. Period.

Thank you for sharing your experience Kaleigh. I am so happy for you that you two worked it out and feel like real family after the bad period.
My husband is non-confrontational and he will not be very good at telling his parents how some of their actions really bother me. His parents (both sets) are the passive agreesive personality that do not know how to be sincere and always make very sarcastic comments to "make conversation". I don''t think anyone has the power to change their personality traits.

All I ask is for them to not take me and my time for granted. I am an emotional person and I can not function 100% when I feel upset, both at work or at home. I need my privacy and my space (even from my husband). Their treatment of me since our wedding has left a very bad taste in my mouth and I can''t simply turn that off. They are critical, stingy, and aggressive (in non-aggressive way). Yet I was brought-up to put on the smiley face to be polite, to please them by giving all sorts of gifts upon requests. Well, smiley face and suppressing my anger (hurt feeling) is not working anymore, I need to find a way to let them know they are creating problem for me and DH....

 

[upgrade]

It''s been my experience that mil''s tend to take things like this better from their sons. If it comes from the dil it''s more likely to cause big drama and less likely to get any results. After being a dil for 10 years I have discovered that if my mil is doing something that is upsetting to my dh and me both, best to leave it to him to handle it. If she''s doing something that''s upsetting to me alone, I discuss it with my dh and then I speak with her, but I let him know what''s going down so he''s prepared for the potential aftermath. When I speak to her, no matter how gentle (or right) I am, there''s almost always an aftermath. I''ve learned to be very careful in picking my battles because sometimes it just isn''t worth it. We had a lot of disagreements in the first few years of my marriage. Since then, we''ve learned how to deal with eachother and accept eachother for who we are, flaws and all. We''re much better at knowing what to address and what we can just let go and things are much smoother.

Good luck!

 

[marcy]

I would definitely get your husband to talk to her.

 

[setell]

Eh sorry to be on the opposite boat but how bad is your MIL? Personally I wouldn''t care when my Future IL''s visit as long as they call few hours before showing up at the doorstep then I''m good. I think that if they want a good host/hostess it''s best to tell us in advance they are visiting so things can be planned out or else they are on their own since I can''t get time off work at the last minute. I guess I have the mentality that if you''ve got family in that city then anybody visiting means they will automatically stay with you. I live in a different city from my parents/siblings and my future IL''s. I tell them that they can stay with me anytime they want to come to the city. It just seem to be a normal thing for them to work it around THEIR schedule as they might need to take time off work etc. Plus if you don''t have to show them around then you''re just a free hotel

That is easy peasy! I don''t know your MIL but if she has similar rationales with invites as me than I would self invite myself too. Of course this is also dependant on how tolerable your in-laws are too!

 

[mtjoya]

You should say, "Really, well DD and I decided to go on vacation to blah blah, but you guys came over without a notice, so we had to cancel." JK...you wish you could say stuff like that but it''s better to just tell hubby to say something. Sorry!

 

[LilyKat]

I'd just smile and say "Great! Just tell her to get in touch and we'll work out a time that's convenient for both of us." If she or anyone else tries to foist themselves on you at an inconvenient time, just say "I'm so sorry, but that won't work for us." And then STICK BY IT.

You don't have to get angry with her to stop yourself being walked over. She can say what she likes - you don't have to obey her. Yes, it would be ideal if your husband could confront her, but failing that, just maintain a pleasantly determined attitude. You can't control her bad behaviour, but you can refuse to be affected by it.

 

[zhuzhu]

Date: 1/23/2010 4:50:01 AM
Author: LilyKat
I''d just smile and say ''Great! Just tell her to get in touch and we''ll work out a time that''s convenient for both of us.'' If she or anyone else tries to foist themselves on you at an inconvenient time, just say ''I''m so sorry, but that won''t work for us.'' And then STICK BY IT.


You don''t have to get angry with her to stop yourself being walked over. She can say what she likes - you don''t have to obey her. Yes, it would be ideal if your husband could confront her, but failing that, just maintain a pleasantly determined attitude. You can''t control her bad behaviour, but you can refuse to be affected by it.

You are right Lily. I have not mastered yet how not let my emotion being affected by her arrogance and pushiness. DH is used to his parents'' "style" and he does not understand why I take things so "personally". Well my parents treat DH like he is their favorite son, yet my inlaws are only nice to me when they want something that I need to agree to. And they don''t ask, they just tell us their plan.... sugar-coated in words like "we miss you" and expect us to accommodate them. WHATEVER.

I will learn to be detached from feeling of hurt and anger. Hopefully sooner rather than later.

 

[Diamond*Dana]

I would not say anything...let your DH handle it, it''s his mother!

 

[Shoopy]

How about just saying "we love having visitors and anyone that would like to visit can call me to arrange something" That way it''s not that you are saying no but that they need to check with you first.

I have to say though that you definitely should nip this in the bud. My grandparents from my dad''s side always visit from NY and always stay with my mom even though their eldest daughter (my aunt, mom''s SIL) lives in the same town about 10 mins away. My father passed away 15 years ago so its not like they stay with my mom to see him. When they''re here, my mom has to drive them everywhere including to my aunt''s house even though she has a car. She puts up with it because my grandparents are 78/79. But my dad''s other brothers and sisters come to visit and also assume they can stay with my mom without asking. It has gotten so bad that they''ll call my mom a week before the visit to give her flight details so that she can pick them up. And when they stay, they eat all of my moms food without offering to pay for anything, make a mess, and sometimes complain that my mom didn''t give her their room.

My mom puts up with it and they treat her like their personal maid, cook, and chauffeur. These are the same people that wouldn''t even offer $20 to help with the funeral services. It makes me so angry. But they got used to it from when my dad was alive and that''s how its been for 15 years now.

The last time they visited was in July when my daughter was born. My mom stood with me for 2 weeks and they called not to congratulate but to find out when my mom was getting back so that they could check out of the hotel and stay with her. I used my AMEX points abd got her a plane ticket to DR for a month

 

[sctsbride09]

Yet another vote for having Dh do it. If your MIL is anything like mine, if you do it she will hold it against you forever AND not listen anyway. But if Hubs says it, she knows he *means business*. Snort, like I dont? Sorry for the mini vent on my part, lol. Good luck!

 

[swingirl]

Some families feel that everyone can and should visit each other and don''t need a formal invitation. If you find this happening too often check out some local motels and the next time anyone mentions visiting tell them you''d love to see them and you can recommend some nice clean motels that they can check out.

 

[tyty333]

You need to stand up to them when they criticize you...maybe something like "how bout ...I wont
criticize you at your house and you dont critize me at my house."

My MIL used to do this and I just stopped giving her any details that I thought might give her amo. Also,
when she started blaming me for things she did (she is somewhat absent minded) I let her know that
she was the one that...blah blah blah. I''m not sure if it was intentional but seems like she has stopped
doing it.

Sometimes once you get the nerve to stand up to them they back off. Not sure what all is going on with
your ILs but I wish you the best...you seem so stressed out

.

 

[zhuzhu]

Thank you all for your support and suggestions..
I have calmed down now and will email MIL to thank her for her call and her suggestion on SIL''s visit to our house. I will however tell her that it is best for SIL and we to discuss the visit plan directly.
i hope she will get the hint...