How do you handle conflict with a friend?

[jewelz617]

When and if you ever have conflict with a friend, how do you handle it?

I am being faced with the second argument ever with my best friend after 12 years of friendship. I''m at a loss, especially since I believe this is just a stupid misunderstanding.

I''m the kind of person that likes to face it head on like ripping off a band-aid, she is the type you will avoid it until it blows over. I can''t function like that.

I just need some advice. I feel like ever since I had a baby we''ve been majorly drifting apart and it''s making me unbelievably sad.

 

[DivaDiamond007]

Pink I am so sorry that you are going through this. I can relate; I''ve had two major blowouts with my best friend since I had a baby in 2008.

Like you, I like to get at things head-on, talk about it, yell, cry, shout, whatever. Just get it out there and done with. My friend on the other hand is much more sensitive and will go over the edge if things get too hard too fast.

With my friend, there were some misunderstandings and miscommunications on both ends and we both had to admit that. It was not fun for either of us. Actually hearing each other instead of just talking for the sake of talking helped get things back on track.Things will never be the same for us and we''ve both come to accept that.

I hope everything works out for you and your friend. Losing a good girlfriend is worse than breaking up with any guy.

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Maybe you can chill a couple weeks and see if what seems like an issue to blow up over isn''t that big of a deal after all? Having a best friend for 12 years almost equates with having her as a sister. Eventually *something* is going to set you off because of being close for so long.

Take a breather!

 

[meresal]

The people that I surround myself with now, are people that I have no reservations around. IMO, if there is a problem in an adult relationship/friendship then it should be approached immediately and ended quickly.

That is how I handle any disagreements or misunderstandings with my friends now.

I think your approach is extremely healthy, and I don't quite understand why people like to avoid situations. It seems so much harder than just getting everything out on the table.

ETA: Does she have children yet?

 

[Elmorton]

I think it depends on the friend and how they deal with conflict. I can''t remember the last blowout I had with a friend (college roommate?), but I have had times where there''s tension in the friendship. That makes it difficult - sometimes I meet it head on, but usually, I just give us time and it blows over.

If we''re talking a real argument, I think it''s best to apologize immediately, wait a week or two for some space, and then contact the person again, starting with "Hey, our friendship is important to me..." See where it goes from there.

 

[jewelz617]

Date: 2/13/2010 9:33:37 PM
Author: meresal
The people that I surround myself with now, are people that I have no reservations around. IMO, if there is a problem in an adult relationship/friendship then it should be approached immediately and ended quickly.


That is how I handle any disagreements or misunderstandings with my friends now.


I think your approach is extremely healthy, and I don''t quite understand why people like to avoid situations. It seems so much harder than just getting everything out on the table.


ETA: Does she have children yet?

No, she doesn''t have any children. Honestly she''s like an Aunt to my daughter which is making this really difficult. I sent her an e-mail telling her that our friendship is important to me and I hope we can work it out.

I am not one of those people that constantly has drama in my life. I despise it. I live a very low key life, I''m a stay at home mom. In the past 2 years since my daughter was born I have lost a lot of people I considered close friends. All of the sudden the people who used to be close disappeared but she stuck around. Now I''m wondering if she''s just the latest one to walk out on me. Blah. Maybe a break is inevitable at this stage of the game...

 

[Sha]

It doesn't have to be one extreme (taking the bull by the horns) or the other (waiting till it blows over). I don't think either of those styles (confrontational/avoidant) are best for resolving conflict. In addition, your confrontational style may alienate her, while her avoidant style will likely frustrate you. I would just try to talk it over with her in a calm way. You can perhaps let her know you'd like to meet up to talk/clarify things - if she balks at meeting or says "she's fine - there's nothing to talk about'(avoiding style) - I would initiate the discussion on the phone or when I'm with her in person.

 

[jewelz617]

I''m definitely not being extreme about it like "YO biotch, you wanna step outside?!" but I''m the type of person that if something is wrong, I will make it worse in my mind as time goes on. That''s why I like to handle things quickly, so it''s over and I can stop stressing.

In this case, she hasn''t replied to me yet, so obviously she doesn''t want to talk. I''m going to shelve it for now. I don''t see why two grown women can''t have a rational discussion, but in the meantime I have to focus on other things.

Blah.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

I have notices that friendships evolve with time. Sometimes you are closer, sometimes more distant. Also I have accepted the fact not everyone has to be my best friend. I have different needs filled by different people. That being said you said you are close and believe it was a misunderstanding. If that is the case the best advice I would have is to talk it out. A similar thing happened to me and I am so glad I behaved like an adult and called her to ask what had happened. The old Tacori would have avoided conflict and probably never spoken with her again.

 

[joflier]

Date: 2/14/2010 10:01:38 AM
Author: PinkAsscher678
I''m definitely not being extreme about it like ''YO biotch, you wanna step outside?!'' but I''m the type of person that if something is wrong, I will make it worse in my mind as time goes on. That''s why I like to handle things quickly, so it''s over and I can stop stressing.

In this case, she hasn''t replied to me yet, so obviously she doesn''t want to talk. I''m going to shelve it for now. I don''t see why two grown women can''t have a rational discussion, but in the meantime I have to focus on other things.

Blah.

Maybe you should try that. She would sooo not be expecting it, and you''d both probably laugh your a**es off!

No, seriously though....I find that w/ conflict I deal differently depending upon the person it''s with. And the dynamics of our relationship. The most recent one that I can think of w my bestie.....she emailed me to apologize for something. Then we decided to get dinner and talk about it a week or so later. Then we talked about everything BUT that conflict. Well, at least as long as we could avoid it. Took us a couple hours, then we finally got around to acknowledging the elephant in the room. Then it was all hugs and fuzzies.
Sounds like you may need to give her a little time? Maybe she''s going through a hard time emotionally in some other regard and just doesn''t want to deal with this right now? Or it''s making her blow things out of proportion with your friendship? Either way, I hope you can reconcile soon!

 

[Rachel9]

Sorry about this

After the email/no answer: I wouldn''t hound her for conversation. I''d give her time and space, if she doesn''t speak to you again then keep it moving to the next relationship [pref with kids?] Friendships grow and change, maybe you should consider that change

Best of luck

 

[Puppmom]

PinkAsscher, I''m sorry you''re going through this. Sometimes people just suck! I had a falling out with my best friend of 10 years about a month ago and we haven''t spoken since. We''re both pregnant (due only two weeks apart!) so it''s sad not to share this time with her. I don''t know if we''ll get through this or not BUT I think this last month has been great for me for a few reasons. I really got to re-evaluate the overall status of our friendship so IF we speak again, I know what terms I''m comfortable with. I think sometimes relationships somehow go in a direction you don''t want them to and you feel you ended up there by accident. I think a good *break* can sometimes give both people perspective.

I hope in the end this all works out in your best interest.

 

[somethingshiny]

My best friend and I just got in a heated argument the other day. We have only argued a few times and very mildly. This time however, I was majorly offended. I was pretty sure that I had misunderstood her or that she wasn''t quite getting her REAL point across. I just stopped the conversation and said "you''re p!$$!ng me off right now." She took a moment and restated her opinion. I was still offended and told her. So, she tried again to get her point across and then we were both okay. She''s called me on the carpet about some past behaviors of mine, but we always do it immediately. We are both straight forward thinkers and doers so this method works for us.

I''m sorry you''re going through this. The best friend I had before I had a child is not still my BEST friend. Our goals and thoughts drifted apart and although we still like hanging out, she''s no longer my go-to girl. I think it happens a lot.

 

[jewelz617]

Date: 2/14/2010 6:33:57 PM
Author: somethingshiny
My best friend and I just got in a heated argument the other day. We have only argued a few times and very mildly. This time however, I was majorly offended. I was pretty sure that I had misunderstood her or that she wasn''t quite getting her REAL point across. I just stopped the conversation and said ''you''re p!$$!ng me off right now.'' She took a moment and restated her opinion. I was still offended and told her. So, she tried again to get her point across and then we were both okay. She''s called me on the carpet about some past behaviors of mine, but we always do it immediately. We are both straight forward thinkers and doers so this method works for us.


I''m sorry you''re going through this. The best friend I had before I had a child is not still my BEST friend. Our goals and thoughts drifted apart and although we still like hanging out, she''s no longer my go-to girl. I think it happens a lot.

I agree... I think I''ve been trying to deny the fact that we''ve been growing apart for a long time. I''m in a completely different place in my life now and it''s really taking a toll on our friendship. I''ve tried to keep things as they were, but I just can''t.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

Pink, relationships are hard. Bottom line. Sounds like you have tried to keep it together but it takes two. I am sorry you are going through this b/c it is difficult when you realize someone who you thought was so important in your life really isn''t.

 

[tlh]

Date: 2/15/2010 9:24:02 AM
Author: Tacori E-ring
Pink, relationships are hard. Bottom line. Sounds like you have tried to keep it together but it takes two. I am sorry you are going through this b/c it is difficult when you realize someone who you thought was so important in your life really isn''t.

Very well put.