How do you deal with family stresses @ Tgiving?

[janinegirly]

Didn''t want to taint the signature dish thread, but I personally really dread Thanksgiving. It has become all about family stresses since I married, as I don''t get along well with the IL''s. The new SIL in particular is a sore spot, she has done some pretty underhanded manipulative things to make me look as bad as possible (and getting her husband, DH''s brother on board) and is a favored member of the family. I wont'' go into all the details, but the tension is palapable. I really have buried anger towards it all and am not good AT ALL about smiling and hiding (ie being fake). I wish I was but I can''t change how I am.

For those who can relate, how do you handle it? Any tricks? I end up dreading the event so much that I build up anxiety and it makes it so much worse.

PS Alcohol isn''t a good idea, did that once and got plastered! (since I never drink...)

 

[Bia]

I stress every year. We do the lets-not-offend-the-parents dance every single year and because of that it wasn't until last year that we spent the holidays together. We ended up having Thanksgiving with his parents and leaving next day to spend a long weekend with mine (had the pseudo-Thanksgiving on Friday night instead). Christmas Eve we spent with his family again and then Christmas morning we drove up to my family's and did it all over again - stayed 5 days (my folks live in Boston and we live in NY).

My parents are very understanding because they live far and know it wouldn't be easy for us to do it any other way, but I have to admit that they do get the short end of the stick many times. This year FI suggested to his parents that we would spend Thanksgiving with them and then go to my parent's for Christmas Eve/ Christmas. FI's mother (whom I love dearly - usually) flipped out! FI told her that he always spends Christmas Eve at home and as a result he never sees my family. She said that he is her son and he should be with his mother - he had to gently remind her that I am his fiancee and that makes all the difference. Apparently she forgot that or something...grrr. Not good. Honestly I am very disappointed with her, BUT FI stood his ground and told her he was going to do the right thing (that made my heart swell because he has a hard time standing up to her sometimes). She responded 'Fine!' and hung up the phone

So now it is a waiting game, and I *hope* he doesn't back down. I think we ought to teach her a lesson

ETA: this is somewhat new territory for me so I don't have a lot of advice. But speaking as a future daughter-in-law, since it is high time that I stand my ground (easier said that done), I will suggest that you and your hubby stand strong together and don't take anyone's s***!

 

[janinegirly]

Our parents live close to each other--this actually makes things worse. Because now each side expects to see us, and we get worn down trying to hit both houses full on with baby in tow. Existing tensions make it so much worse...you know the awkward silence and dagger stares (this is with SIL who married in..the others just do the polite dance with me). Thank god my baby is too young to understand and actually can't stay still too long so I can escape the table..

My issue is I start to build up anxiety as it gets closer so that I'm really really dreading it by the time it rolls around. I am not able to just roll with it and "play" the part too well. I've been lectured by his family and told the "women are the ones to keep the peace" which I guess was some kind of veiled instruction, but only rubbed me the wrong way even more!

 

[DivaDiamond007]

I'm in the same boat as you ladies. Since we've been married (4 years) we have always split our holidays with our families. Thanksgiving one mom will have an early dinner and the other will have a late dinner; meaning we rush through one only to sit down to another. For Christmas we go to my parents first thing in the a.m., go to my Aunt's for brunch with my extended family and then go to his parents for more food and presents, leaving us exhausted. Last year it was really bad since our son was only a few months old. I don't know what we're doing for Christmas this year; it hasn't come up yet.

This year my mom is having major surgery on the 16th of November. She suggested I do Thanksgiving at our new home and have my family over. That would mean not doing anything with DH's parents so he shot that idea down immediately. After thinking about it some more, my mom suggested that we just go over to their house since Thanksgiving is only 1.5 weeks after her surgery and she's not sure she'll be up and about just yet and have my dad and sister do the cooking. DH didn't like that idea either. He also didn't offer any other suggestions. I tried talking to him about it because it's not about avoiding his family - my mom is going to need me around for her. He doesn't seem to get that so when my mom asked me about it again this weekend I told her that I would be over for dinner at their house - at any time she wants to have it. If DH wants to come then that's fine or he can go sulk at his parents house.

DH has 5 siblings - only one of which lives in-town - and the other 4 have already said that they are not coming in for Thanksgiving so it's not like I'm keeping him away from them or anything like that. I know that if we don't do something with DH's parents and in-town sister then I'll be made the witchy SIL/DIL that doesn't do anything DH wants to do yadda yadda yadda blah blah blah. If I skip out of doing something with my parents then they'll hold it over my head for the rest. of. my. life. Damned if I do, damned if I don't.

Why do families have to be so complicated!?

 

[charbie]

Hmmm...usually people like this really enjoy talking about themselves. Can you think of a bunch of questions that will keep her entertained? It won''t be the most fun for you, but maybe at least you can keep her occupied without having to make many digs at you.

I''m lucky to have a pretty good relationship with my IL''s, seeing as DH and I were the first to get married and he''s the only one of his siblings with a SO.

 

[DivaDiamond007]

Date: 11/10/2009 10:26:58 AM
Author: janinegirly
Our parents live close to each other--this actually makes things worse. Because now each side expects to see us, and we get worn down trying to hit both houses full on with baby in tow. Existing tensions make it so much worse...you know the awkward silence and dagger stares (this is with SIL who married in..the others just do the polite dance with me). Thank god my baby is too young to understand and actually can''t stay still too long so I can escape the table..

My issue is I start to build up anxiety as it gets closer so that I''m really really dreading it by the time it rolls around. I am not able to just roll with it and ''play'' the part too well. I''ve been lectured by his family and told the ''women are the ones to keep the peace'' which I guess was some kind of veiled instruction, but only rubbed me the wrong way even more!

Same here!

The fact that our families live close to us means they expect us to make an appearance at each house, no matter how inconvenient it is for us.

Also, the tension and dagger stares have only recently started with my IL''s. Not so much DH''s parents but some of his siblings. His one brother is really a bit of a snob and thinks he''s the sh*t since he''s an MD/PHD student and gay, but I don''t really care. He''s smart. And gay. So what. So are a lot of people. GAH! It seems so ridiculous writing! Mostly though I often feel like DH''s siblings try to find reasons to not like me. I just don''t get it

After living with DH''s parents for 13 months, quite frankly I''ve had enough of trying to keep the peace.

 

[Dancing Fire]

Date: 11/10/2009 10:00:12 AM
Author:janinegirly
Didn''t want to taint the signature dish thread, but I personally really dread Thanksgiving. It has become all about family stresses since I married, as I don''t get along well with the IL''s. The new SIL in particular is a sore spot, she has done some pretty underhanded manipulative things to make me look as bad as possible (and getting her husband, DH''s brother on board) and is a favored member of the family. I wont'' go into all the details, but the tension is palapable. I really have buried anger towards it all and am not good AT ALL about smiling and hiding (ie being fake). I wish I was but I can''t change how I am.

For those who can relate, how do you handle it? Any tricks? I end up dreading the event so much that I build up anxiety and it makes it so much worse.

PS Alcohol isn''t a good idea, did that once and got plastered! (since I never drink...)

just don''t talk to her.

 

[Bia]

Date: 11/10/2009 10:53:01 AM
Author: Dancing Fire

Date: 11/10/2009 10:00:12 AM
Author:janinegirly
Didn''t want to taint the signature dish thread, but I personally really dread Thanksgiving. It has become all about family stresses since I married, as I don''t get along well with the IL''s. The new SIL in particular is a sore spot, she has done some pretty underhanded manipulative things to make me look as bad as possible (and getting her husband, DH''s brother on board) and is a favored member of the family. I wont'' go into all the details, but the tension is palapable. I really have buried anger towards it all and am not good AT ALL about smiling and hiding (ie being fake). I wish I was but I can''t change how I am.

For those who can relate, how do you handle it? Any tricks? I end up dreading the event so much that I build up anxiety and it makes it so much worse.

PS Alcohol isn''t a good idea, did that once and got plastered! (since I never drink...)

just don''t talk to her.

lol I like this!

 

[soocool]

I''ve been married 20 years and do not get along with my MIL. Let me rephrase that. My MIL has hated me even before DH and I married. She wore a black dress to our wedding. I made sure there were less than 3 photos of her taken at our wedding (I put her on the end and then had the photographer edit her out whenever he could). Holidays with my ILs were the worst. They are Polish and speak polish and wanted DH to marry a Polish girl, The one thing that I never let on was that I understood practically everything they said. I am good with languages and took Russian in college which helps a little and my DH translated a lot for me and taught me a little as well, so when they didn''t think I knew what they were saying, I knew everything.

My DH always said I should be the better person in front of my ILs but enough was enough. One time I overheard her saying something to the point of putting poison in my food to put them all out of their misery. Scary, huh?! There''s a lot more but I rather not get into that. I never felt anything but uncomfortable in front of them and they also were not friendly with my family, calling them all kinds of names. Funny thing is my parents were both college educated and had a successful business and DH''s parents aren''t educated or successful at all. My parents never showed them any disrespect in front of them or behind their backs. The bottom line was that DH and I had enough and I don''t have anything to do with them anymore. If DH wants to see them that is fine, but it is without me. He might stop and see them at Thanksgiving, but DH is spending Thanksgiving with my family.

There has to be a limit of what you are willing to be subjected to. I am sorry that I didn''t put an end to it much much sooner, because DH and I went through a really rough patch because of my MIL''s interference. In the end he chose me over them and they have to live with that.

 

[Bia]

soocool: Yikes! You know when they start talking poison it is SERIOUS

I love my MIL, shes an amazing woman, but she really has a thing about Christmas. It''s the only time I''ve seen her act like such a baby! Families need to compromise when it comes to the Holidays but for some reason she just expects to get her way - maybe because we''ve always accommodated. WELL NOT THIS YEAR!

I really hope she sees the light and doesn''t make my FI feel guilty. I can''t wait to have my own kids so that people can choose to come to me, or stay home!

 

[freefly]

Sorry I can''t be of more help, I would have said a bottle of wine. I know what you mean though, about holidays being stressful. Maybe take some deep breaths and a Xanax?

 

[janinegirly]

soocool: wow that is awful. I don''t know how you stayed cool (haha no pun intended) while actually understanding what they were saying. I''m glad you found a way to handle it all (avoid them) while maintaining DH''s support.

freefly: well maybe I can sneak in a glass of wine. Just last time I tried that it ended up being multiple and then I was just drunk! Xanax..hmmm. Probably good idea, but I don''t want to resort to drugs to deal with this crowd! But you never know.......

DF: oh that usually is my solution! Problem is that makes me look bad. Like socool''s DH, mine tells me to be the better person, rise above...ugh, it''s annoying b/c it goes against what I feel is right. IE I don''t want to have to swallow my pride, play fake in order to make someone else feel good.

It''s too bad b/c I used to like holidays, but now I see the word and think, oh no..have to go to dreaded family event and feel like crap about myself.

 

[Bia]

Date: 11/10/2009 11:28:28 AM
Author: janinegirly
soocool: wow that is awful. I don''t know how you stayed cool (haha no pun intended) while actually understanding what they were saying. I''m glad you found a way to handle it all (avoid them) while maintaining DH''s support.

freefly: well maybe I can sneak in a glass of wine. Just last time I tried that it ended up being multiple and then I was just drunk! Xanax..hmmm. Probably good idea, but I don''t want to resort to drugs to deal with this crowd! But you never know.......

DF: oh that usually is my solution! Problem is that makes me look bad. Like socool''s DH, mine tells me to be the better person, rise above...ugh, it''s annoying b/c it goes against what I feel is right. IE I don''t want to have to swallow my pride, play fake in order to make someone else feel good.

It''s too bad b/c I used to like holidays, but now I see the word and think, oh no..have to go to dreaded family event and feel like crap about myself.

I don''t understand, why doesnt you SIL ever look bad? She''s not their daughter, right?

 

[janinegirly]

She is somehow favored by the family (not sure if you saw other posts I made--one example being there is a giant picture of their wedding, but none of ours--we''ve been married a few years longer). Also she has the knack for playing the role and selling herself whether it''s true or not (I''m more reserved, less sing songy if that makes sense).

 

[kenny]

If it is really bad, consider just not going to family holiday events.

Dealing with their reaction may be less stress than dealing with the event.

 

[MichelleCarmen]

I was going to suggest alcohol, so I guess your next best bet is xanax!

lol I''m a pro at the fake nice method. I''ve been treated terribly by a couple of family members and one always alternates between being nice and being rude and after years of this, I''ve learned to accept that nothing is going to change. I do drink so luckily that is my "coping method," which aids in the fakeness.

Oh, also, one thing I do is ALWAYS buy a fun new outfit before thanksgiving and christmas so I have something to look forward to. Imagine EVERY holiday, all the gals on DH''s side give out gifts to each other. The only woman in the entire family who doesn''t get one of the gifts IS ME! I just sit there feeling like an idiot while they open gifts right in front of me. So, I usually buy a treat for myself - candles or bubble bath.

Basically - alcohol, outfit, & candles = successful holiday season

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Date: 11/10/2009 10:53:01 AM
Author: Dancing Fire

Date: 11/10/2009 10:00:12 AM
Author:janinegirly
Didn''t want to taint the signature dish thread, but I personally really dread Thanksgiving. It has become all about family stresses since I married, as I don''t get along well with the IL''s. The new SIL in particular is a sore spot, she has done some pretty underhanded manipulative things to make me look as bad as possible (and getting her husband, DH''s brother on board) and is a favored member of the family. I wont'' go into all the details, but the tension is palapable. I really have buried anger towards it all and am not good AT ALL about smiling and hiding (ie being fake). I wish I was but I can''t change how I am.

For those who can relate, how do you handle it? Any tricks? I end up dreading the event so much that I build up anxiety and it makes it so much worse.

PS Alcohol isn''t a good idea, did that once and got plastered! (since I never drink...)

just don''t talk to her.

Not talking to her IS a good idea. You do have the option of getting up and walking off if the SIL is being rude. Why put up with the abuse. It''s not like it can get ANY worse if you piss her off by walking off, right? She already has something stuck up her rear and no matter what you do nothing is going to change that. Also, if you''re at a table (eating or whatever), if she makes a comment you do not like, just look away and ignore her. Don''t feed the fire.

 

[geckodani]

We did the ping pong ball thing the year we were engaged, and since then have figured out the following system:

Thanksgiving:
We have his parents (and my SIL and BIL if they want to come) over for Brunch on Thanksgiving. His parents then go to Turkey Day dinner with my SIL since her husband has a HUGE family. This way we still get to see them, we don''t have to eat 2 or 3 Turkey dinners, and my MIL doesn''t even have to cook a meal.

We then go to my Mom''s for the main event. My sister always comes in from Canada for Thanksgiving too, so this way I get to maximize my time with them.

Christmas:
Eve with my Mom, day with his family. Althoug this year we are going to Canada for a second Christmas the weekend after, so we may tweak this and spend Christmas Eve just the two of us. I''d kinda like that, to be honest. We shall see.

The trick was finding a system that works for us. Luckily most of the people involved are fairly rational!!!

 

[appletini]

We make everyone come to us so we don''t have to choose.

 

[FrekeChild]

I tell *him* to go sit down in another room and shut up.

(This is my dad btw. He doesn''t like the noise/mess that comes with cooking Thanksgiving dinner.)

 

[monarch64]

I go wherever I feel like going. Usually it''s with the happy group. My mother OTOH boycotted Thxgiving last year and is doing so again this year because she''s felt slighted for 40 years by her in-laws and to get back at my father in retaliation for something he did to her last year. They''re very "grown-up." Personally I just try to enjoy spending time with whoever I decide to see on Thxgiving or other holidays and just can''t let myself be bothered to get stressed over it. No one in my family drinks, either, so that''s not how I get through it. It''s a conscious decision.

 

[Haven]

I know this won''t make you feel better *right now,* BUT, nasty people like your SIL typically get outed for their nastiness, eventually. She may be the family pet right now, but people get wise over time.

I have a very nasty SIL. When I met her nearly six years ago she seemed to be all sugar and honey at first, and then within a month she was saying ridiculously mean-spirited things to me about my DH (thenBF), who is her husband''s brother. She also said nasty things about my FIL, DH''s first cousin, and DH''s mother who passed away in 2002. Unforgivable. I won''t go into details, but to call her sharp-tongued would be the understatement of the century.

She would only badmouth family members to me when nobody else was around. At first I just did this

, stared back at her looking shocked until she shut up, and kept mum about it, as it seemed like DH had no clue she had issues with him or anyone in the family. When we became seriously involved, however, I said something to DH and he was shocked. He thought I was misunderstanding her for a while, which was really frustrating, but over time her nastiness evidenced herself, and the entire family realized what a beeotch she really is.

Not surprisingly, she and my BIL are now going through a horrible divorce after 15 years of marriage.

How to cope? I''d just sit back and watch her destroy her own reputation. I''m pretty good at smiling and hiding it, I call it "killing them with kindness" and not being fake. But whatever you call it, it feels really good to be the one who kept her integrity and grace intact while your SIL made a fool of herself by acting like a miserable brat.

As for when she''s saying things directly to you, I literally just stare back in mock (or real) horror. I don''t say a word, just stare until she becomes uncomfortable enough that she stops talking. It works.

 

[wsu12]

WINE.