How Do You and Your Spouse Save Money??? LOOONG!!!!!

[Class n Sass]

My husband came to me tonight with the an idea about saving money. My husband is the worry wart out of the two of us. Now with the economy being in such horrible shape and us awaiting the arrival of our first child in May he is becoming even more worried. He as an idea to take the money that we spend on "extra" items and double it to put into our savings account. For example if we buy something that it "extra" like a dinner out at a restaurant and that dinner cost $60 then we should also put $60 in our savings account. Something about this idea just doesn''t sound right to me. He feels like we are not saving enough money and I also would like to save more money too. However he wants to apply this rule to our separate checking accounts. I don''t feel like I should have to do this with the money that is considered my "personal" money. We have a portion of our paychecks that go into our joint account for bills and a portion that goes into our personal accounts for gas, lunch money and whatever else. After buying gas and lunch there is not a whole lot left over but still its my money that I use for my occasional trips to the hairdresser and my bi-weekly manicures. My husband said that my manicures are not a necessity and that I should take money from that and put into savings. So my $8 mani would really cost $16. I feel like at that rate I won''t be able to buy anything. He also feels the same way about my 2 magazine subscriptions. He doesn''t see why I should care because the money is going into "our" savings account and it is forcing us to examine our spending more. I just feel like he is really knitpicking. He also feels that if I spend five bucks on Mcdonalds while out with my mom on a Saturday then I should take five bucks and throw into savings. So basically if we can''t afford to buy 2 of something then we cant afford to buy one. I know this is gonna affect me more. I am not against making some sacrifices but I just feel like this is a bit much. I have "personal" money so that I do what I want with it. It gives me some freedom. He said he is not restricitng my spending because I can still spend but it will allow us to save more at the same time. I just feel like I can''t even fully put into words how much I don''t like this idea. I would rather we just increase the amount of money that we put into savings from our joint account. Please tell me what you think and what you would do in this situation. My husband grew up in a much more frugal home than I did. He can do without alot more than me and us used to having a lot less than me. I think that plays a huge part because we don''t agree on what is "extra" and what is a necessity. I think maternity clothes for my expanding body is a necessity. He thinks its not. If I but 5 shirts for $100 but can''t afford to pay $200 then I have to leave them all. It just sounds kinda ridiculous. When I said that he thinks I am being resistant and said I am not willing to give up anything. HELP!!

 

[neatfreak]

I think you both are being stubborn. You both mutually need to sit down with each other and talk about how you can put some more money in savings that works for both of you. This plan obviously doesn't, but that doesn't mean that there isn't a way that might be easier for you to handle. Tell him that this plan doesn't make sense to you, and if you aren't on board it won't work. But that you ARE willing to sit down and work out something that will work. And then do it.

I do think your hubby is right though that it's a really good idea to save...especially with a kid on the way you just never know what will crop up.

My DH and I include savings in the household expenses, and then that gets taken out of our paychecks before any "fun" money. So our fun money is really fun money, but we also save quite a bit this way.

 

[Miranda]

Well, your hubby is certainly being creative! Give him points for that!

I won''t say whether I think his system is ridiculous or not, but, I will say that it is complicated. It''s good that he is trying to save more. It''s not a bad time to have more money in your savings account. For me/us the system that works the best is to pay yourself first. Contribute to your IRA, 401k, and savings accounts first. Then you pay your bills and finally have play money.

I''m sure your hubby is going through his own version of nesting. He''s trying to be a provider. I think it''s sweet. Of course, I''m not living with the guy telling me not to have a mani!

If you/he really want to save more, the only way to do that is by cutting spending. If he wants you to, say, have a monthly mani instead of a biweekly mani, is he going to cut something out of his budget, too?

Another thought I had is that he is trying to coax you to spend less without flat telling you what to do. Haha - I don''t think his motivation is bad...Just maybe his execution.

 

[TravelingGal]

Hm. Interesting.

I see his point to a degree. It does make you examine, "do I really NEED this" if it''s going to cost double. But sometimes life isn''t about needs...wants mean something too. We all need a treat once in awhile.

A little bit here and there do add up, so I like the premise, but not how he''s going about it. It just opens too big a can of worms when you start applying it to manis and hairdressing, but not this or that. The question of "fair" will come up a lot.

I just say take a bit off the top of your salary when you get paid and put it away. So twice a month, both of you put a set amount in. You''ll be surprised how you''ll manage to survive. Saving is important and it must start somewhere. TGuy and I each used to get $200 every paycheck into our personal accounts...so about $400 a month each. When we bought our family car when I was pregnant, we agreed to cut it down to $100 every paycheck each, which allowed us to make the $400 payments without batting an eyelash.

It may seem nominal, but it adds up year after year. At 25 years old, I was making 35K a year and put away 6% of that in 401K. That''s 80 bucks per paycheck...doesn''t seem huge now, but seemed huge then. And part of me thought...how am I going to EVER save for retirement just saving 80 bucks per paycheck? 10 years later, I reached my goal of 100K (and tanking every day thanks to the stock market.

)

Saving should have always started yesterday, so don''t put if off until tomorrow. Hopefully you and your husband can come to an agreement in how you want to go about this. Good luck!!

 

[Tacori E-ring]

You need to work it out with your DH. Unfortunately money is usually the number one thing couples fight about. If you spend differently, then you will have a problem. Tell him how you feel. Maybe you could compromise like you have $x of play money (where you can eat out, buy clothes, etc) and after you spend it you need to do his method. Just an idea. Good luck!

 

[Class n Sass]

I always like coming here for advice. I considered sharing this idea with my mom but I really do like to keep my parents out of our financial business. We are adults and need to learn to handle things on our own. I should have mentioned that we have been married only a little over 6 months(not sure if that matters).

I do invest 10% of my salary before taxes into a retirement account(403b) and I have been doing so for a little over 3 yrs. I also put a small amount of money into an IRA every month.

I appreciate his creativity. Like TravelingGal my husband and I each keep 200 dollars out of each paycheck for ourself. I am ok with keeping less out and putting more into our savings account. His idea just doesn''t sit that well with me because I think it can get too complicated. I feel like because I don''t fully like his idea and have questions about it he is tellling me that I don''t want to give up anything. I do feel like there are things I don''t want to give up and I guess in his eyes I can see what he is saying. I just got a 09 Accord last week and I had to have leather seats. He doesn''t understand why. I have always had leather seats and it''s just something I got accustomed too. That''s not important to him. He just got his first new car in June and he is over 30 yrs old. Am I being bratty???

He will too cut down on things although I know he doesn''t spend what I do. He is not as high maintenance as me. I believe that he will stick to this plan and will examine and cut down his spending. He will practice what he preaches so to speak.

 

[somethingshiny]

It sounds like you two grew up differently. I really think money values/handling/budgeting comes from what you watched around you. I can completely understand his perspective. Personally, I could work with his plan. But, I''ve always been on a budget so it comes naturally to me.

The IMPORTANT thing is to find something you can BOTH work with. If doubling up doesn''t work for you, negotiate with your DH. Would a 50% savings rule work? Could you each take X% of your personal money and put that in savings and not worry about matching?

Also, you didn''t mention if he has any "extras". Is there anything for him to cut out? If not, maybe that''s his way of telling you that he thinks you''re spending too freely.

 

[zhuzhu]

I think in time of disagreement, communication is the key. I think he is sweet and responsible for wanting to "change how to save", but at the same time both of you should feel comfortable with it.

My husband does not tell me how to save my personal money, but it is because we are both extremely responsible financially. All shared household expenses are charged onto our joint credit card and paid out of our joint bank account. Since I love collecting little something here and there, I charge them to my personal cc and pay them myself. If either one us is buying something more expensive than $200, we check with each other to see if there might be any conflicting financial needs in the next weeks, it is also a way to show respect even though it will be paid using "personal money".

Regarding savings, we already commit to a % of our joint income into saving account each month, so what is leftover from the end of the month will just go back into the shared checking account.

Our system works well, but each household will be different. I hope it works out for you too!

 

[robbie3982]

Date: 12/4/2008 10:59:20 PM
Author: Class n Sass
I have always had leather seats and it''s just something I got accustomed too. That''s not important to him. He just got his first new car in June and he is over 30 yrs old. Am I being bratty???

In this sentence? Yes. Sorry. Just because you''re accustomed to something does not mean that you need it or should continue to get it no matter what.

I don''t think you''re being bratty about not being ok with his savings plan. I agree that everyone needs to treat themselves once in a while, but it kind of sounds like you want to treat yourself a bit more often than that and he''s not ok with it. You guys need to sit down and figure out a better way to save. Decide which things are actually necessities (I''ve got to agree with you on the maternity clothes. Seriously, how does he think you''ll fit into your regular clothes throughout a pregnancy?) and include them in the budget.

 

[Class n Sass]

Thanks again for the comments. I am going to try and talk to my husband again tonight about a new savings plan because this does not work for me. I guess part of me feels like I shouldn''t be told what to do with my little $200 that I get twice a month. By the time I buy gas and lunch a couple of days a week I don''t have alot left over and I don''t want to walk around with $5 to my name. The most frivolous purchases that I buy are my bi weekly $8 manicures and I spend about $40 a month on my hair(it''s a cultural thing and he actually has no problem at all with that). That is really it.

I am planning to go to Old Navy and Target for maternity clothes. If I walk in and spend $100 on clothes I don''t want to feel like since $200 for clothes is not in the budget I have to leave them. I want to spend a little as possible on clothes that will be temporary. I mean obivosuly I know we can''t afford $200 thats why I am setting the budget at $100. Spending $50 really is probably not gonng be enough.

 

[robbie3982]

If you want to save on Maternity clothes, you could always go try things on to see what size you''ll need and then buy on ebay. I''ve been doing a bit of maternity shopping on there and it seems like there are some really great deals (some nwt and some used) where you can get an entire wardrobe for about $100.

 

[neatfreak]

Date: 12/5/2008 8:31:45 AM
Author: robbie3982
If you want to save on Maternity clothes, you could always go try things on to see what size you''ll need and then buy on ebay. I''ve been doing a bit of maternity shopping on there and it seems like there are some really great deals (some nwt and some used) where you can get an entire wardrobe for about $100.

In addition to that Old Navy has really great sales on Maternity clothes. If you wait for the sales you can really stock up for cheap. Target''s maternity clothes aren''t nearly as cheap as Old Navy.

 

[brgirl]

Another good place for maternity clothes is craigslist. A lot of times people will sell a whole wardrobe for very cheap! I also got a huge bag of clothes from one of my sister''s friends for free. If you go to church, a friend of mine had tons of people giving her maternity clothes from there. Target isn''t cheap, but they do have some good clearance deals. They had tons of shorts for $2 recently.

I agree that maternity clothes should be part of the joint budget! We don''t have gas come out of our personal accounts, though - that is a joint expense. But it helps that we work together and drive together! Other than that, w

e have a similar arrangement as others - we each get money in our personal accounts for fun money (I get $200/month, he gets $300 because he was paying one of our household bills on his personal CC...he isn''t anymore, but he usually uses that $ for xmas presents for me anyway, so I don''t really care!). I also put money I make selling items on ebay, filling out online surveys, and some mystery shopping I did into my personal account, so I have a nice chunk sitting there. Anyhow, the rest goes into our joint account and we pay most of our bills on the joint CC (for points/cash back) or directly out of the account. We save a big % into online savings each month regularly as well. Anything left just sits in our checking account untiil one of us notices it and puts it in a CD (he likes more of a cushion than I do in there). If we want to purchase anything major, we discuss it first.

We are trying to live on one salary to see how it will be when we have kids, so our goal is to eventually save my entire paycheck. When we pay off major bills (cars, furniture that we paid 0% interest on for 2 years), or when we get raises, we add that amount into our savings % since we shouldn''t miss it.

I agree that I wouldn''t like being told what to do. But the whole savings and spending plan was my idea to begin with, so he didn''t have a chance to tell me!

 

[Blenheim]

I bought an entire wardrobe of maternity clothes on Craigslist for $120. If you told a person selling theirs that you could only afford $100, they might go for it to get them out of the house. FWIW, we factored maternity clothes into the "baby startup" portion of our budget, along with prenatal care/birth and baby supplies. Gas is also a joint expense, but we basically just drive to and from work and errands.

What I don''t get about your husband''s plan is that you have a certain amount of money that you must spend each month (mortgage/rent, utilities, groceries, etc). It seems like anything else would fall into extras, so if you''re putting that same amount of money into savings, why not just allocate half of the "extra" for fun and half for savings, direct deposit into savings at the beginning of the month, and be done with it? Living within a budget for the fun stuff would make you rethink purchases anyway.

We''ve been direct depositing most of my paycheck into savings and living mainly off of my husband''s. (By the way - my husband just lost his job and I''m so thankful that we''re used to living basically on one salary and have enough in savings that we''re able to weather a bit of a storm.) We allocate a certain amount of money for necessities, which does vary by season as we don''t need air conditioning but we certainly need heat. Everything else is fun money. And I don''t end the month feeling like I only have $5 to my name if we spend the fun money too early - I just feel like we have that much more in savings!

 

[neatfreak]

Date: 12/5/2008 10:01:50 AM
Author: Blenheim

What I don''t get about your husband''s plan is that you have a certain amount of money that you must spend each month (mortgage/rent, utilities, groceries, etc). It seems like anything else would fall into extras, so if you''re putting that same amount of money into savings, why not just allocate half of the ''extra'' for fun and half for savings, direct deposit into savings at the beginning of the month, and be done with it? Living within a budget for the fun stuff would make you rethink purchases anyway.

I totally agree Blen! The husband''s plan just seems so complicated, it would make so much more sense to just save at the beginning of the month and then spend less on "fun" purchases.

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 12/5/2008 8:36:39 AM
Author: neatfreak

Date: 12/5/2008 8:31:45 AM
Author: robbie3982
If you want to save on Maternity clothes, you could always go try things on to see what size you''ll need and then buy on ebay. I''ve been doing a bit of maternity shopping on there and it seems like there are some really great deals (some nwt and some used) where you can get an entire wardrobe for about $100.

In addition to that Old Navy has really great sales on Maternity clothes. If you wait for the sales you can really stock up for cheap. Target''s maternity clothes aren''t nearly as cheap as Old Navy.

Also, check out your local Ross. Ours has a maternity rack and the stuff is CHEAP and actually nicer than a lot of the stuff at maternity shops.

 

[Phoenix]

Ok, it's just gone past 1am here local time and i've been working like a dog, 12-15 hrs a day, 6 days a week and I say the following with a caveat: "I hope I'm answering yr Q but forgive me if I haven't read through all the details of your post and the other PSers' answers, but I feel compelled to reply if my understanding of the gist of yr Q is correct".

I've always been a very independent woman. I come originally from a "middle class" background (whatever that means to everyone else, but to me it means that my family was comfortably off - at least from a money point of view, not to mention fairly well to very well educated, but that's another point entirely). My family lost money and we were *very* poor (I can still remember vividly being given a bowl of rice after having starved for like a day or two - and crying and swearing to myself I'd never be that poor again!). After that, my family and I myself worked *extremely* hard to be where we are today. We have been to hell and back, many many times over. I can now proudly to say that I would never ever have to rely on a man, as much as I love and respect my DH. At the age of 30, I was already an "expat" earning well over USD100k a year ( and I don't say this to be boastful but to make a point) and had purchased my own home and was already comfortable enough to be able to proudly say: "Whatever happens, I will always be a survivor - more than a survivor actually. I will always be able take care of myself".

My point is this: You can have joint accounts, you can joint goals, you can aspire to save as much as you can, but at the end of the day, you are two individuals and IMHO (rightly or wrongly, just my *own personal* opinion) is that you can never impose your ideals and ideas on another person because at the end of day, after everything is said and done, you can only truely and honestly *be true to yourself* (doesn't matter what anyone else says, no-one will *ever* care as much about you as you do yourself). If anyone else tried to tell you what to do, then you'd just resent that person at the end of the day. Luckily for me, my DH knows this and he gives me my freedom and my personal space, just as much as I do him.

So what I'd say is this: I'd go to yr husband and say that you'll try to save as much as you can, but if he starts to deprive you, particulary if it's just an inexpensive mani, then he's in for a downwards slippery slope - again just my humble opinion.

Just my 2 cents, do with it whatever you wish. Good luck anyhow.

 

[movie zombie]

actually, i like his plan. i do believe we need to do something nice for ourselves on a regular basis but that excuse gets used for almost everything all the time. his plan forces one to take responsibility for one''s decisions as to what is really necessary or not. maternity clothes are a necessity. leather seats are not. transportation is but do i really need that lexus or will a honda suffice. somethings i''d exempt from the rule. negotiate with him re that. perhaps one dinner out a month is not matched by savings but all others are. i think things are going to get much worse with the economy and that many are going to wish they had cut back sooner. with a baby due in may, i''d be saving on the off chance the economy reduced the household to a one income family. good luck.

movie zombie

 

[DivaDiamond007]

I think your husband''s plan is too complicated and perhaps a bit lopsided. Why not just cut out frivolous things and save the money instead? Or have a certain percentage of your pay put into a joint savings account? Good luck!

Diva

 

[elrohwen]

I agree with others that the easiest way is to take money and put it away at the beginning of the month just like you do for your retirement account. If he thinks you''re not saving enough, just up the percentage of your salaries that you contribute to savings. Maybe you can take a little out of your fun money accounts (maybe get $180 each time? You''d save an extra $80 a month that way) to fund the savings, but I think it''s way too complicated to keep track of everything you spend and then try to put the same thing in savings.

I also think that you should be able to spend your fun money on whatever you want without having to justify it because the whole point of fun money is to spend it for your enjoyment. I''ve made it clear to FI that just because he doesn''t like buying clothes doesn''t mean that my occasional Banana Republic purchase is not ok. As long as I can afford it with my fun money, he doesn''t get a say in what I buy, even if he thinks it''s silly

And I won''t complain when he buys yet another pair of basketball shoes that I don''t think he needs.

 

[Class n Sass]

Putting a higher percentage at the beginning of the month into savings is what I think will end up happening. My husband knows that I don''t agree with his idea and I think he realized that if I am not happy with it it will never work. We actually have a financial planner through MetLife that we bought our life insurance policies through. We haven''t really used him too much for the actual financial part of our life since we have only been married 6 months and my husband hardly gets any free time because he works long hours. I had to go pick up some paperwork from him this afternoon and I asked him to come to our home one night to help us establish a budget and give us some ideas for saving that works for both of us and is not so complicated.

 

[diamondseeker2006]

I think his idea is really crazy, to be blunt! I wonder what he is thinking when he has agreed to buying 2 new cars in one year but he wants you to limit $8 manicures??? I think you two do need to sit down and look at your budget again. Decide what all your expenses are and decide how much spending money each person gets. Then you''ll see how much extra can go into savings, and have it automatically drafted. One reason our house is paid off and we are able to pay cash for cars is that we never had more than one car payment, so we waited until one was paid off before buying another. Then we began saving cash to buy cars, so we haven''t had a car loan in probably 20 years. Staying out of debt is the best way to increase savings. But it requires some minor sacrifices like buying a car a couple of years old and that kind of thing, occasionally.

 

[Nocturnius]

You're both right and you're both wrong.

Warning: this post is going to be HUGE.

Where he's right: You need to save.
Where he's wrong: He shouldn't be deciding for you what is a "need" and what is not.

Where you're right: You shouldn't have to forego buying something altogether just because you can't afford to equal it in savings.
Where you're wrong: The "it's my money" thing is a really bad way to try and live a married lifestyle.

You both agree you need to save money. His method is a little dramatic, I think. It's almost like he's trying to punish you for spending money on things. Do you need bi-weekly manicures? No, probably not (and really, it probably isn't healthy for your nails, either.) But is he right in punishing you for it by saying you need to equal that amount in savings? No. Punishment in marriage NEVER WORKS. Period.

However, you are about to have a family. And this is probably going to sound rude, but you don't sound to me like you're in the mindset for it. I do not remember my mother ONCE saying anything about "her" money. Ever. You are still in the "he and me" mindset instead of "we".

I know this is hard. My husband and I had this problem. We had separate accounts and a joint account, and each put our share into the joint and the rest in our own accounts. And it was "my" money and "his" money. But when he lost his job, we found out very quickly "mine" and "his" was not the way to do it. It will not be the way to do it once you have a baby, either.

You both need to sit down and talk about it. First, what he expecting to save? You said he is frugal, then how much is he going to contribute? Is he planning on equaling what you put in there? Example, you get an $8 manicure, put $8 in savings, does he plan on putting $8 in, too? If the answer is a "er, well, uh, no" then it's time to talk.

Suggest this plan: add up your month-by-month funds. What do you bring home every month, what does he bring home (by "bring home", I mean after taxes.) When my husband and I did this, we based it off the month we made the least in and left a $100 margin of error. (Keep these separate, though, if you make different amounts of money.)

Then, look at the essentials you both pay your fair share for. Rent, utilities, groceries. Add it up and take it out. Look at what is left of your indivdual funds, and take out an approximation of what you spend on gas and your individual bills (if you have them) each month.

Out of what is left, you both need to be fair and honest: budget out spending money. I don't care how frugal he is, I'm sure he spends money on things he wants from time to time. (Lunch with a buddy, grab a drink after work, whatever.) And you spend money on what you want from time to time. And this is fine: this is the reason you MAKE money. So you can HAVE things and DO things. You want to catch lunch with your mom, you have money so you CAN.

Be honest about it. You have $500 left over after bills, don't say "well, that entire $500 is MY money and it's my spending money so there." Do you really need that much spending money? Why not make it $350? You can still have your manicures, grab lunch, get your hair done, whatever. Then budget for that other $150 to go into savings. Yes, it will make you reevaluate your spending. But it will do it without punishing you. Instead of, "oh my god, I have to pay $80 for a $40 hair cut and $200 for $100 worth of maternity tops", it is "well, I get a few of these tops now, and a few later, and I'll get a hair cut next month." That way you aren't giving things up because you can't afford them; you're just putting them on hold for a month or two.

Obviously, it goes without saying that he needs to do the same. Then, at the end of the month, if you both have money left over, you can decide what you want to do: put that in the savings, or keep it for your spending next month. This needs to be YOUR choice, though; he should not tell you what to do with it. The concept here is that your spending money is yours for spending on what you want to spend it on, and if you have some left over you decide whether to spend it or save it. As long as you're putting your budgeted amount into savings, whatever is left is hands-off to the other person.

Of course, this is all speculative, fictitious numbers. Work out what works for the two of you.

Also, something you need to talk about: the maternity clothes thing. YES, that is a necessity. You need clothes that fit you and your little bundle comfortably. Tell him you don't think he needs socks and he can wear all of his shoes without socks for a while, if he thinks you don't need maternity clothes! (Socks are expensive!)

 

[saltymuffin]

What makes saving work, is not feeling deprived. And from my experience what prevents a feeling of deprivation is control. I would far rather have only $50/week to spend on whatever I want, than $100/week that I have to "justify" or analyse.

I am guessing that your hubby is coming up with these ideas because you aren''t a good saver right now. Go to him with a proposal to take $X off of the top of your spending money to save. He will likely be thrilled with that. The compromise would be that he can''t nag you about what you do choose to spend the remaining money on.

If you currently get $200 every two weeks to spend on whatever, reduce it to $125 or $150, and save the rest. But then don''t worry about every penny you do spend.

 

[DivaDiamond007]

Date: 12/7/2008 1:32:45 PM
Author: Nocturnius
You''re both right and you''re both wrong.

Warning: this post is going to be HUGE.

Where he''s right: You need to save.
Where he''s wrong: He shouldn''t be deciding for you what is a ''need'' and what is not.

Where you''re right: You shouldn''t have to forego buying something altogether just because you can''t afford to equal it in savings.
Where you''re wrong: The ''it''s my money'' thing is a really bad way to try and live a married lifestyle.

You both agree you need to save money. His method is a little dramatic, I think. It''s almost like he''s trying to punish you for spending money on things. Do you need bi-weekly manicures? No, probably not (and really, it probably isn''t healthy for your nails, either.) But is he right in punishing you for it by saying you need to equal that amount in savings? No. Punishment in marriage NEVER WORKS. Period.

However, you are about to have a family. And this is probably going to sound rude, but you don''t sound to me like you''re in the mindset for it. I do not remember my mother ONCE saying anything about ''her'' money. Ever. You are still in the ''he and me'' mindset instead of ''we''.

I know this is hard. My husband and I had this problem. We had separate accounts and a joint account, and each put our share into the joint and the rest in our own accounts. And it was ''my'' money and ''his'' money. But when he lost his job, we found out very quickly ''mine'' and ''his'' was not the way to do it. It will not be the way to do it once you have a baby, either.

You both need to sit down and talk about it. First, what he expecting to save? You said he is frugal, then how much is he going to contribute? Is he planning on equaling what you put in there? Example, you get an $8 manicure, put $8 in savings, does he plan on putting $8 in, too? If the answer is a ''er, well, uh, no'' then it''s time to talk.

Suggest this plan: add up your month-by-month funds. What do you bring home every month, what does he bring home (by ''bring home'', I mean after taxes.) When my husband and I did this, we based it off the month we made the least in and left a $100 margin of error. (Keep these separate, though, if you make different amounts of money.)

Then, look at the essentials you both pay your fair share for. Rent, utilities, groceries. Add it up and take it out. Look at what is left of your indivdual funds, and take out an approximation of what you spend on gas and your individual bills (if you have them) each month.

Out of what is left, you both need to be fair and honest: budget out spending money. I don''t care how frugal he is, I''m sure he spends money on things he wants from time to time. (Lunch with a buddy, grab a drink after work, whatever.) And you spend money on what you want from time to time. And this is fine: this is the reason you MAKE money. So you can HAVE things and DO things. You want to catch lunch with your mom, you have money so you CAN.

Be honest about it. You have $500 left over after bills, don''t say ''well, that entire $500 is MY money and it''s my spending money so there.'' Do you really need that much spending money? Why not make it $350? You can still have your manicures, grab lunch, get your hair done, whatever. Then budget for that other $150 to go into savings. Yes, it will make you reevaluate your spending. But it will do it without punishing you. Instead of, ''oh my god, I have to pay $80 for a $40 hair cut and $200 for $100 worth of maternity tops'', it is ''well, I get a few of these tops now, and a few later, and I''ll get a hair cut next month.'' That way you aren''t giving things up because you can''t afford them; you''re just putting them on hold for a month or two.

Obviously, it goes without saying that he needs to do the same. Then, at the end of the month, if you both have money left over, you can decide what you want to do: put that in the savings, or keep it for your spending next month. This needs to be YOUR choice, though; he should not tell you what to do with it. The concept here is that your spending money is yours for spending on what you want to spend it on, and if you have some left over you decide whether to spend it or save it. As long as you''re putting your budgeted amount into savings, whatever is left is hands-off to the other person.

Of course, this is all speculative, fictitious numbers. Work out what works for the two of you.

Also, something you need to talk about: the maternity clothes thing. YES, that is a necessity. You need clothes that fit you and your little bundle comfortably. Tell him you don''t think he needs socks and he can wear all of his shoes without socks for a while, if he thinks you don''t need maternity clothes! (Socks are expensive!)

Thank you! I wish I posted this!

 

[Mrs Mitchell]

Nocturnius, I can''t begin to tell you how offensive I found your post. Many people have successful marriages and raise happy children with or without joint finances. There is no one right way to do it. I''m glad that you are happy with your arrangement and that it worked well for your parents too, but please don''t presume to judge the couples (and parents) who have chosen a different approach.

Jen

 

[Class n Sass]

Nocturnis, thank you for your response but I believe that you misunderstood what I said when I said "my" money. I was referring to the $200 that I receive twice a month. That is my money to buy gas and lunch and to "play" with. The rest of my salary goes towards out joint account. I actually have a second job where I make a very good amount of money and that entire check goes to out joint account. So I don''t think that has anything to do with being in the mindset for having a baby. I strongly disagree. My biggest gripe is being told what to do with my "play" money. I believe that that is my money because it gives the small amount of freedom that I desire. I believe both parties in a marriage should have a certain amount of financial freedom even if it is very small.

 

[AmberGretchen]

Date: 12/4/2008 10:39:45 PM
Author: neatfreak
I think you both are being stubborn. You both mutually need to sit down with each other and talk about how you can put some more money in savings that works for both of you. This plan obviously doesn''t, but that doesn''t mean that there isn''t a way that might be easier for you to handle. Tell him that this plan doesn''t make sense to you, and if you aren''t on board it won''t work. But that you ARE willing to sit down and work out something that will work. And then do it.


I do think your hubby is right though that it''s a really good idea to save...especially with a kid on the way you just never know what will crop up.


My DH and I include savings in the household expenses, and then that gets taken out of our paychecks before any ''fun'' money. So our fun money is really fun money, but we also save quite a bit this way.

Ditto neatfreak - we put savings aside before we spend on fun stuff, so its not an issue. I do think that your husband''s system raises too many issues of judgment, where you shouldn''t really need to judge each other or feel judged.