How do guys feel about their engagement ring choices being rejected?

[Black Jade]

I have felt curious about this for a while.
My husband had me come along to choose mine, so this wasn''t an issue. (I just had to keep within the budget. Of course, it was 1982 and the stores really only basically had one style--tiffany RB solitaire set high in YG. If you were incredibly adventurous, you might get a different shape diamond as a solitaire--emerald or marquise. Princess didn''t exist yet).
But nowadays there are a lot more choices and women seem to be very decided about exactly what they want--and it seems very possible for guys to get this wrong, since many of the women seem to both have a strong opinion and to wish to be surpirsed.

I read a post the other day in which the girl had picked out a certain style and then when she got it found she didn''t like it and was wondering whether to say anything. I asked my son how he would feel in this situation (if she said something) and he said that he would feel terrible. He basically compared having his choice rejected to the way a woman might feel if a guy suggested ''she get liposuction or something''. That it would feel as if the girl were saying he was not good enough in some way. He said, even, that he did think it was grounds to break off the engagement, if she were very offensive about it.

I think he was also talking about cost factor--about the possibility of buying the ring that he could afford and then hearing that she wanted something more expensive. He sounded as if the situation was one in which he could easily be made to feel that what he could offer was not good enough and that he was not good enough.

Is this a common feeling on the part of guys? Is this what they hear when their fiancee expresses reservations about the ring?

I know, from things he has said, that my husband also would would be quite upset and take it very personally, even after 26 years of marriage, if I expressed that the ring that we got back then was not sufficient anymore in some way (even though I was the one who actually chose it.) He was really thrilled last year when I got it appraised and found that it was a good quality ring--that he had bought something nice. I was surprised how thrilled. I in fact got the impression that he had wanted me along to choose because he couldn''t stand the idea of choosing something that I then rejected as ugly or small or something.

I''m just curious--I''m not interested in hearing value judgments (that girls who want more of a ring are bad in some way, or something)--I just wonder what the guys feel or think they would would feel, and if there are any qualifying factors that would make it any better.

 

[Haven]

Hi Black Jade,

I think it depends on the guy. My own husband asked me to design the ring because he knew nothing about jewelry and he approached the engagement ring as a gift he was buying for me, and as a gift he wanted it to be exactly what I wanted. Had he bought the ring on his own as a surprise I imagine I would have become very sentimental about it, regardless of its design, and would have loved anything he gave me. But even if I didn't, I think he would rather have me be honest about whether I like it than not. He's the type who doesn't tend to take things personally when they aren't really about *him* and rather about style or personal preference.

On the other hand, I've helped a lot of young men buy rings for their loved ones, and most of them seem to be very sensitive about whether their choices will be appreciated or not. I can definitely see how a man would feel upset if it seemed that his budget wasn't "good enough" for his SO if she wanted more than he could afford. That would upset me, too.

On the flip side, though, it does confuse me when men put their own style preferences above their SO's, considering she is the one who will be wearing the ring. My sister's fiance knew exactly what she wanted in an engagement ring, and that's because he asked her what she wanted, but he decided to use his family jeweler who unfortunately doesn't really have a great eye for style or proportion, and designed something completely different than her dream ring. His desire to use his mother's jeweler outweighed his desire to buy a ring that my sister would love, and that I just don't understand.

Now that I've written all of this out it seems like a man's reaction will depend on the way he views gift-giving. If he views the gift as a representation of what he has to offer, then it will be very hurtful if she rejects it. However, if he views it as an opportunity to give her something that best suits her, or in other words a representation of her tastes, then he will only think that he misjudged her style if she rejects it. My husband, being a practical and most definitely unsentimental man, falls into the latter category, much to my dismay at times. But that's okay, I have enough emotions for the both of us--I keep us rich in tears and temper tantrums all on my own.

ETA: Sorry, I know I'm not a guy. You're probably looking for male posters to respond, and here I am jabbering away.

 

[NewEnglandLady]

I would like to think that I would have proudly worn any ring DH picked out for me, but fortunately he consulted me first and now I have a ring we both love.

When we were dating and talked about getting engaged, D would say that this was his gift to me and that it was traditionally a surprise. I didn''t have a problem with that at all, but still told him what I liked. He realized that my tastes were not traditional and that picking an e-ring might not be as easy as choosing a RB and solitaire setting (this is where he started).

He was torn between wanting the ring to be a surprise and wanting it to be something I loved, so he started asking for more advice. We looked at rings together, then eventually shipped in stones to see together and before we knew it the project was shared.

I think the majority of women really are happy with whatever their boyfriends choose--obviously we PSers are a finicky breed. I''m a sap about my e-ring, so I wouldn''t have said anything had I not liked it...though I''d probably start planning an anniversary project I also think that most men really want to make their girlfriends happy and get them something they love, so in the vast majority of cases, the ring is not an issue. If the ring becomes a source of contention in a relationship, then I think that couple needs to get their priorities straight.

 

[Xedoc]

This question depends totally on the guy.

A guy who is self-absorbed, yet apparently confident on the exterior will likely take it as a major blow to his ego if a fiancee doesn''t like *his* choice.

A guy who is overly sentimental will likely feel heartbroken that *his* choice wasn''t good enough, or that he felt like he *should* have known what you''d like.

I''d think that most understanding guys with their own humble, yet strong self-confidence would be perfectly fine exchanging a ring for something more in his lady''s tastes. After all, the only thing that should really matter to him is that she said ''yes'' to the proposal. Making some adjustments (or total changes) to the ring wouldn''t bother me at all, even though I''m designing a custom ring for her. Hey, I tried based on the info she gave me, but what ultimately matters to me is that she''s happy and she''s marrying me. I''d love any ring she chooses as her own (as long as we''re not going into debt over it!).

 

[rainwood]

There have been lots of posts on this question - both when the e-ring was not a hit and later on the issue of an upgrade. The reactions seem to be from ''I can''t believe I ever wanted to marry this woman'' to ''Whatever makes her happy'' depending on both the men and the circumstances. I doubt many men would be happy if their fiancee/wife disliked their e-ring, but the level of unhappiness seems to vary a lot.

 

[gemgirl]

When my husband started talking to me about getting engaged, we both knew he hadn't saved for it, so his question to me was "would you like to get engaged with a half carat stone in a year, I could pay it off by then, or get engaged with a CZ now and buy the diamond later?" My exact response to him was, "I got engaged with a one carat round when I was 19, I'm 40 now, so what do I do for the other earring?" Then I smirked and he went on to say if it was good enough for his brother's fiance', it was good enough for me. I also came to understand that my husband was and will always be stuck in the "we're poor" mentality because his parents were poor and they never had anything. His mother never had a ring and they barely had a marriage.

I think the responses to this questions could be as varied and wide ranging as it can get. Lots of men are generous and want to do anything and everything to keep their fiances and wives happy. My husband is not like that. His attitude has always been "if you want it, you buy it". Then again, we weren't in our twenties when we got engaged and married and I think more than a few bad past relationships made my chauvanist even more bitter.

So anyway, three years later, after the wedding, I bought myself a 1.51 ct pear. Now he's kind of proud of my ring, even though he had nothing to do with it!

Just to add, he's also very proud of my perfectly matched G VS2 earrings. I got the earrings anyway

.

 

[swingirl]

As long as women want to be surprised, there will be women who are disappointed. My then BF knew I didn''t like surprises and was picky. But I know he would have been hurt if he stressed over a ring and then I didn''t like it.

 

[HollyS]

I know how mine would feel - - like he had screwed everything up. Not good enough. Rejected. Dejected.

He refused to ''surprise'' me. It was a joint effort to find The Ring.

I also know that he does not understand changing the ring after the fact. To him, the ring isn''t a ''fashion statement'', not a choice of what I might like this year as opposed to 3 years ago, but a sacred symbol of how much he loves me. There are no upgrades of that ring in my future, and that''s okay.

Now, if we had been kids without money, buying what little we could afford, I suppose an upgrade would be something he would look forward to surprising me with. I''ll settle for a fairly spectactular anniversary ring some years from now, instead.

 

[LaraOnline]

If a man never ever wants to hear the word ''upgrade'' or ''significant anniverary present'', he can''t go into it with ''lowest possible Budget ever'' tattooed across his heart and mind.

I don''t know ANY man that would be happy driving his first-ever cheapest-in-the-caryard jalopy for the rest of his life... the gender gap can be so present in this conversation (depending on the circumstances).

 

[musey]

I don't know any men that didn't ask for input in e-ring selection (to my knowledge). Not closely enough to know how the ring was chosen OR what their reaction might be in such a situation.

My husband picked out a beautiful pendant for the first birthday I celebrated with him. I still absolutely love it, and think he has fantastic taste. I would have fully trusted him to choose an engagement ring on his own. He wanted to do it together though, and I wasn't about to argue

I'm sure it entirely depends on the guy, the ring, the budget, the situation, the relationship... too many variables. It's hard for me to imagine being in the situation because, like I said, I can't imagine my hubs picking something I disliked enough to wish for something different - I just like and would be happy with so many different styles!!

 

[Elmorton]

Okay, my dad is the type of guy who buys jewelry that HE likes for my mom. One year my mom wanted a five-stone anniversary ring, and I knew exactly which one. When Dad took me shopping, he disliked that one, and settled on a seven stone of a different shape.

My mom was ELATED - she was touched that he wanted to do something above and beyond what she''d picked out and that he''d put the time and effort into choosing something that caught his eye rather than picking something on her wishlist, which would have been the easy, non-committal gift.

So...when DH and I started engagement ring shopping, is this how we did things? Not at all. We talked about a budget, I knew specifically what shape, I tried on setting after setting. There were settings that I liked. Settings that DH liked. The setting we chose was the one we BOTH liked. When DH was filing the insurance paperwork, the person he was working with commented that he had spectacular taste, considering most men stick to more traditional styles. My DH laughed and said that there''s no way he could have decided on that ring by himself, and he was glad that we chose it together.

Whichever the couple''s style, I don''t think it matters - if a couple likes surprises (like my parents), great! If they don''t, like DH and me, then that''s also great.

The problem is when one person''s style doesn''t match with the other''s - and in that situation, we''ll probably see posters here who have feelings hurt - both giver and receiver.

 

[cindygenit]

Hi!

I think it really depends on the guy. My FI doesn''t really care about jewelry so he asked me to come along to the jeweller and tell him what I like and try on some designs which suits me.

After that, he never mentioned the ring again until he proposed (no matter how many times i try to get information from him

).

If he had picked one by himself, I would have LOVED it regardless. Possibly even more because I know that he had spent time agonizing over the ring, instead of me helping him with the design.

I have to agree with your son. To have a guy''s ering design "rejected" is like a stab in the heart.

 

[swimmer]

I''m not sure about the lip comparison.

Rejecting a person''s choice is different than rejecting the person. Clever men know the difference, even it it hurts a bit.

 

[Girlrocks]

Here''s my 2 cents...

I personally have never understood the mentality that a woman should be grateful to have any ring put on her finger, and she also better plan to wear it proudly for the next 50 years!

When DH and I got engaged, we were saving up to buy our first home, which took priority at the time. We picked out a lovely .75ct RB in a channel set YG band with a matching wedding ring...very early 90''s style...together. I still have the original set, but I also have a 1.25ct solitaire and a 3 stone ring for our 10th anniversary.

People have their own style preference. I''ve bought DH shirts for Christmas that he has never worn because he didn''t care for it for some reason...I am not devestated (I know you can''t compare the cost of a shirt to an engagement ring, but the point is similar).

As far as upgrading...just as I would not plan to drive the same car, where the same boots, carry the same purse or even probably live in the same house for 50 years, I think it''s unreasonable to be expected to wear the same ring for 50 years. We change everything in our lives at some point...our cars, our homes, our interior decorating, our hairstyles...because we are making more or less money, styles change, lifestyles change, etc. I consider my jewelry to be the same.

 

[gemgirl]

Date: 9/2/2009 7:11:43 AM
Author: Girlrocks
Here''s my 2 cents...

I personally have never understood the mentality that a woman should be grateful to have any ring put on her finger, and she also better plan to wear it proudly for the next 50 years!

When DH and I got engaged, we were saving up to buy our first home, which took priority at the time. We picked out a lovely .75ct RB in a channel set YG band with a matching wedding ring...very early 90''s style...together. I still have the original set, but I also have a 1.25ct solitaire and a 3 stone ring for our 10th anniversary.

People have their own style preference. I''ve bought DH shirts for Christmas that he has never worn because he didn''t care for it for some reason...I am not devestated (I know you can''t compare the cost of a shirt to an engagement ring, but the point is similar).

As far as upgrading...just as I would not plan to drive the same car, where the same boots, carry the same purse or even probably live in the same house for 50 years, I think it''s unreasonable to be expected to wear the same ring for 50 years. We change everything in our lives at some point...our cars, our homes, our interior decorating, our hairstyles...because we are making more or less money, styles change, lifestyles change, etc. I consider my jewelry to be the same.

So I see you''ve met my husband!

 

[Laila619]

I think men need to put their egos aside and do what it takes to make the woman happy.

You KNOW if it were the other way around, and the woman had to buy something for the man that he had to wear for the rest of his life, a man wouldn't be shy about speaking up if he didn't like it.

We women are generally so nice and accommodating!

 

[litebrite]

El, I think you hit the nail on the head - it depends what the couples'' style is and if they''re compatible, great! My hubby pretty much left me up to my own devices for the e-ring, and I was very happy with the result.

 

[Richard Sherwood]

To many engagements, there''s an element of surprise involved.

In that case, a man gathers all the info he can and makes a choice he thinks will please the woman.

Bear in mind we''re talking about a GIFT here. Something the man usually goes through a lot of trouble choosing and spends a lot of money (to him) on. GIFTS are usually appreciated, especially when they convey the far more important message of "I want to marry you".

I personally would have no problem with the woman wanting to change the mounting at a later date.

But the thread referred to was a woman who was (very) disappointed with the stone. The diamond was large, high quality and gorgeous. It just didn''t have the reflection pattern she was expecting.

To me, being overly picky and (seemingly) ungrateful is going to do nothing but send huge red flag signals to the fiance right at one of the most delicate points of the relationship. As a former jeweler and longtime appraiser I know this to be a critical point. The fiance often thinks, "Damn, if she''s going to be like this over a GIFT, how''s she going to be about other things down the road?"

 

[risingsun]

My DH decided he wanted to propose before we ever had a discussion about my preferences in a ring. We had discussed becoming engaged in the summer and he proposed in April. He admitted, long after we became engaged, that he had not really put much thought into the ring and had no idea what I would like. 14 years later I have the ring of my dreams. I've gone through a series of upgrades with DH's support. I would advise any young man to seek his fiancee's input. Why risk hurt feelings for either partner? It can be so easily avoided by talking with each other.

 

[Black Jade]

Interesting-- there hasn''t been a lot of response from men to this question.

 

[Black Jade]

Date: 9/2/2009 7:06:46 PM
Author: Richard Sherwood
To many engagements, there''s an element of surprise involved.

In that case, a man gathers all the info he can and makes a choice he thinks will please the woman.

Bear in mind we''re talking about a GIFT here. Something the man usually goes through a lot of trouble choosing and spends a lot of money (to him) on. GIFTS are usually appreciated, especially when they convey the far more important message of ''I want to marry you''.

I personally would have no problem with the woman wanting to change the mounting at a later date.

But the thread referred to was a woman who was (very) disappointed with the stone. The diamond was large, high quality and gorgeous. It just didn''t have the reflection pattern she was expecting.

To me, being overly picky and (seemingly) ungrateful is going to do nothing but send huge red flag signals to the fiance right at one of the most delicate points of the relationship. As a former jeweler and longtime appraiser I know this to be a critical point. The fiance often thinks, ''Damn, if she''s going to be like this over a GIFT, how''s she going to be about other things down the road?''

It''s true that it was a special situation that I asked my son''s opinion about. I wanted to ask others since he is just one person and may not be typical.
The example was extreme--I don''t think many women pick something out and are very specific about it--and then decide that it''s not what they want after all. I don''t think many people, male or female would respond well to that and I do hope the perosn just vented on this board and didn''t breathe a WORD of their inner thoughts to their fiance.

But I have read, over time, a fair amount of women on these boards asking for advice because they don''t like their engagement rings at all--whether because of the style, the size or even, sometimes, the way, it was presented. It all seemed easy to me at the time that I got engaged, but it seems that things have changed a lot--more choice? higher expectations? You can''t (nor would I wish to) turn the clock back to the days when you knew what you were going to get because there was just one style of engagement ring.
Sometimes maybe neither party is ''right'' or ''wrong'' but they are just incompatible in their approach to things and this is just the way that it happened to show up. And better to find it out now than after the wedding.