Hope Chest....

[officefan]

Hi,

I''m not sure if this is the right place to post this, but I''ll go with it...

My father and I built a hope chest for my girlfriend of two years and I plan to give it to her for Christmas. Should I ask her father before I give it to her? I want to be respectful of him but don''t want to be the guy who jumps the gun since I''m planning on the big question in March or April.

Background on the story - She knows it is eventually coming. Her mother and I are very close (she set us up!) so I have talked to her about it and she is more than excited. Her mother and father are divorced and long story short, the divorce was ugly, so they don''t speak and getting them together isn''t possible.


So to clarify:
Should I ask him for permission to give her a hope chest?

 

[girlie-girl]

I don''t think you need to ask her Father for permission unless you have an inkling that he may be purchasing her one. Most of the time I think that gift comes from the Mother, so if she''s cool with you having made one, I''d say just give it to her. Does your GF talk to her Father?

 

[JulieN]

I don't think you need permission to give her a gift. Unless you two plan to announce "we're engaged!" after she accepts the hope chest.

 

[officefan]

I''ve never heard of a mother giving a hope chest. I''ve always heard of a boyfriend giving it to a girlfriend in anticipation of getting married. As my mother would say, "the furniture that starts the home."

Yes, they talk a few times a month, maybe see each other once a month.

 

[girlie-girl]

I guess around here it's typical for the Mother or Grand Mother to give the hope chest as that's how most of my friends received theirs. They were stocked with bed linens, table linens and family china, heirlooms etc., so perhaps traditions vary depending on location.

Saying that, are you planning on asking her Father 'permission' for her hand in marriage? Would he see this hope chest as a proposal indication and think you should have asked him for her hand first? If you are planning to ask him before you marry her, perhaps you could just do that and then mention your timeframe and the fact that you're giving her a hope chest now.

You know all the involved parties best. I'd just do what feels right to you. I would love to see the hope chest you made if you feel like sharing!

 

[JulieN]

Date: 12/10/2008 8:47:55 AM
Author: officefan
I've never heard of a mother giving a hope chest. I've always heard of a boyfriend giving it to a girlfriend in anticipation of getting married. As my mother would say, 'the furniture that starts the home.'


Yes, they talk a few times a month, maybe see each other once a month.

Maybe it's a regional thing...but a "hope chest" seems to imply that someone other than an intended would give a woman such a thing. As in, "best wishes! hope you don't end up an old maid!" And she would stockpile household necessities in it throughout her single life, in anticipation (hopes) of her own household. This is the origin. Girlie-girl's post seems to suggest that older, generational women in the family might present this as a gift, pre-stocked.

 

[girlie-girl]

Officefan I think it's sweet that you made her a hope chest and I post this bit only for those who have not heard of hope chests or their tradition before.

The traditional hope chest is a wooden trunk or box that is used to store special articles of clothing and other household goods for a bride to use after her marriage. The hope chest is thought to have evolved out of necessity. In medieval Europe, many marriages were arranged by parents in order to merge family fortunes. A wealthy prospective groom’s family offered the bride’s family money, land, or even business ownership in order to win her hand in marriage. In turn, the bride’s family provided the new couple with everything they needed to start their lives together. This gift, which was called a dowry, included linens, china, silverware, glassware, kitchen items, and even furniture.

Families of limited means could not afford elaborate dowries, but wanted to be able to offer a prospective husband something of value for marrying their daughters. Traditionally, mothers taught their daughters at an early age how to knit, embroider, sew, and crochet in preparation for marriage. Young women, dreaming of their wedding day, started accumulating a collection of special items, including lingerie, hand-embroidered linens, towels, aprons, quilts, and other handicrafts, and storing them for the future in a special chest, which became a symbol of hope for the future. The new bride then brought her hope chest to her new home on her wedding day, and these items became part of her new household.

Early hope chests were handmade and often lined with cedar, a fragrant wood that has helps preserve fabric. Many fathers built their daughter’s hope chests and spent hours decorating them with artwork, wooden mosaics, and other decorations. The hope chest was then passed on from mother to daughter, becoming a family heirloom.

The tradition continued in the US, but by the beginning of the 20th century, the hope chest had begun to lose popularity. However, during World War I, the Lane Company won a large government contract to build pine ammunition boxes for the military. The plant modernized its assembly processes, and when the war was over, they converted the plant for the production of cedar chests. At the same time, they began an advertising campaign to promote the new Lane Hope Chest, and young women were captivated once again by this romantic notion. During World War II, Lane’s advertising was directed at young soldiers who, the company hoped, would be convinced to purchase a hope chest for the girls they left at home.

Article reference page.

 

[SailorsSweet<3]

officefan I've been misunderstanding the concept of a hope chest up until this point. I wasnt aware it was originally given as a gift, I thought it was something a girl simply acquired and then used for storage for her future home or even just nostalgic items. Having read the origin that girliegirl shared, I think your idea is incredibly romantic and has a modern twist since you and your father built the chest for your future fiance. You said her mother is crazy about the idea and since traditionally it was passed down from mother to daughter I think you have her moms blessing and thats really all you need. I'd simply melt if my SO were to do something so thoughtful and hands on and then present it to me. I say go to her father when you want to ask for her hand in marriage, dont worry about this Christmas gift. It might cause drama which would take away from the romantic nature of your gift. have a great christmas!

 

[mayachel]

No matter the origin, I think that your girlfriend will love this gift. It''s not quite the engagement so, although the intention is still there I don''t see the importance of speaking with her father first. It is my guess you are ultimately seeking his blessing, not permission, no? So save it for the proposal.

 

[officefan]

Date: 12/10/2008 3:01:51 PM
Author: mayachel
No matter the origin, I think that your girlfriend will love this gift. It''s not quite the engagement so, although the intention is still there I don''t see the importance of speaking with her father first. It is my guess you are ultimately seeking his blessing, not permission, no? So save it for the proposal.

I''m not really asking for his permission. He could say yes and I''ll be happy and he could say no and I''ll go ahead and do it anyway. I assume he''ll say yes just because I have a good job and could take care of his daughter, etc. I''m hoping he approves because her parents (divorced in the past few years) dropped about $50,000 on her sisters wedding and I''m hoping we get the same.

Another thing that kind of bothers me about the tradition....we''re both college educated and have great jobs, she is completely able to take care of herself if need be. We''re both 23 and live at home (her with her mom me with my parents) because we''re trying to save money for a house, why do I need his permission? She is a grown adult capable of making rational decisions.

The guy has always been nice to me and we''re both into photography so we have something to shoot the breeze about whenever I see him. You can probably assume by the term ''nasty divorce'' that he isn''t exactly a moral authority. I wanted to talk to him first because her mother told her sister who has talked to me about it. If I didn''t talk to him I know he''d feel left out which could potentially create a rift in the future, which I don''t need.

 

[Kaleigh]

Hmmm, I see that you don''t want him to be left out, so you could go ahead and share this with him. Although, if I were you, I''d give her the hope chest and ask for his blessing once you are ready to propose. JMHO.

Love that you made a hope chset for her, that is sooo very sweet and thoughtful.

 

[officefan]

Date: 12/10/2008 10:09:49 PM
Author: Kaleigh
Hmmm, I see that you don''t want him to be left out, so you could go ahead and share this with him. Although, if I were you, I''d give her the hope chest and ask for his blessing once you are ready to propose. JMHO.


Love that you made a hope chset for her, that is sooo very sweet and thoughtful.

Thank you all for your help! I am starting to feel much better. I think I am going to talk to him before. Knowing the GF''s sister she has probably already told him and anything I say or do won''t be a big surprise.

Either way I think I''ll drop by his office (with a call before to let him know I''m coming by) on Friday.

 

[SuiteLady]

I think that is very romantic.

I am sure that she will love it. Please let us know her reaction!

 

[llamadoch]

This sounds like a great idea and it''s awesome that you and your dad put the work into making a tangible symbol of the future of your relationship. It doesn''t seem to me like her father''s permission would be required though.

Date: 12/10/2008 9:54:48 PM
Author: officefan
I''m hoping he approves because her parents (divorced in the past few years) dropped about $50,000 on her sisters wedding and I''m hoping we get the same.

.....

Another thing that kind of bothers me about the tradition....we''re both college educated and have great jobs, she is completely able to take care of herself if need be. We''re both 23 and live at home (her with her mom me with my parents) because we''re trying to save money for a house, why do I need his permission? She is a grown adult capable of making rational decisions.

So you''re totally cool with the tradition of him dropping 50 grand on your wedding even though you''re able to support yourselves, but asking him for permission is too much?