Help! Please!!!!

[anxiety_stricken]

Hi Ladies -

I am in desperate need of some advice. I''m in a terrible situation that is extremely stressful and hard. Here goes, and please share any insight you may have after reading my situation. Thanks!!!!!!!

I am 28 and so is my b/friend. We have been dating now for 2 years and 8 months. We moved in together after 1 year and bought a dog together after 10 months. Things moved VERY quickly at first. We NEVER fought, totally respected and loved eachother. Honestly, I thought I had found heaven and I am pretty sure he felt the same way. He has been in serious relationships in the past, but none of them ever really worked out because he says he just never saw forever w/ them or he got sick of the other girls eventually. Well, from the very beginning, we assured eachother that WE were different than anyone else we had ever met. Things were perfect. Only obstacle I ever saw was that he comes from a cold family that never really expresses emotion or says I love you. My family is the exact opposite. Says I love you all the time and hug and kiss ALWAYS! Because of his upbringing it took my b/friend a year to actually say I love you, which always bothered me because I''m pretty sure he felt it for quite sometime before he actually said it. Whatever though, I got over that, but now what I''m realizing is that these big "emotional steps" seem to be quite hard for him. After 2 years of dating, I started to drop hints about marriage. Wondering his thoughts, etc. He always assured me that he saw it w/ me, but wasn''t in a hurry to make the commitment. His reluctance has always bothered me, because I''m sorry, but I believe I am a good catch. I bend over backwards for us, take care of him, I''m understanding and fun, let him do what he wants with his friends, am supportive, etc........ The fact that he hasn''t wanted to take the plunge started to really, really bother me about 6 months ago - BIG TIME. I''m beginning to feel unattractive, depressed, wonder what''s wrong with me, etc... I have tried to not let it affect my happiness towards him and our relationship, but it''s unavoidable. I am becoming more and more miserable EVERYDAY. I brought up my concerns again about 3 months ago and he said that sometimes the topic of marriage is on his mind a lot and then other times, it''s not at all because we had been arguing quite frequently. I tried to explain to him that we are arguing a lot because I am becoming more and more insecure in our relationship due to the fact that we aren''t going anywhere. He said that if things improved between us over the next few months that the best case scenerio he could see happening is a proposal in 6 months. HOWEVER, little fights are bound to occur, no one is perfect and they have happened due to various reasons. A month ago, I decided to change jobs and take an offer that involved lot''s of travel. I thought this might be good for us so that when I am gone, he remembers how important I am in his life. Anyhow, I left for my first trip 2 weeks ago to overseas. My first week into the trip, I received word that a friend of ours had just popped the question to his g/friend of 3 and 1/2 years. These two were MISERABLE together and surely I thought we''d be engaged before they would be. I was furious and so upset. Luckily, I was away so that my b/friend couldn''t see the hurt, but since then, I have really, really distanced myself. Not calling him, not responding to his emails. He knows that I am upset and I told him the other day that I am just soooo terribly sad. Sad that we are not progressing. He assured me that he loves me to pieces, that he loves me and misses me now more than ever, that he wants to talk about things when I get home and to not be upset. That''s fine and dandy but I''ve heard that all before and I am sooo depressed and honestly feel like I''m ready to walk, but then think about life without him and can''t even begin to imagine it! I''d be lost, but at the same time, I can''t continue on like this. I''d give it time, but I feel like I''ve given him enough time. I don''t want to pressure him into it, but let''s face it, at this point, he knows I need something to happen. I don''t know what to do. I know we need to talk about things when I get home on Wednesday, but what do I say and how do I approach this?

Please help. I am SICK inside over it.

 

[galeteia]

Wow. After reading your post. I felt breathless and anxious!

I''m not going to tell you to ''calm down'' or ''relax'' over the issue, because I''m sure that''s already obvious and desired by you, and it''s not happening for you despite your efforts.

To me, the biggest problem here is that the more it seems that he doesn''t want to marry you, the more negative you become, which puts him off proposing, which makes you negative, which puts him off... etc, etc. The downward spiral has you in its grip.

So, in an effort to suggest something a) constructive and b) manageable, I would recommend that you focus on de-escalating the drama because while you''re there, your body is going to gang up on you and keep flooding you with freak-out chemicals. Start with something small, like sending him a short email along the lines of "I''m sorry, but my distress over the marriage issue has been triggered again and I''m not in a space to talk to you right now. I love you and we''ll talk when I get back, but I need to have a little space right now."

In my opinion, the last thing you need is to give in to the urge to go ''silent'' on him and let him stew. After all, you wanted this temporary seperation to ''hit home'' for him, so I''m guessing you have some resentment you are trying to work through. While he is just starting to get the wheels turning on thoughts of marriage, you have already hit the breaking point. I notice we women do this a lot... we keep quiet and hold it in for as long as possible, and the blam! it''s past the point of no return and our men are left blinking and wondering where the heck that came from.

If this is making you question your self worth to the point of depression, this has moved beyond just impatience into something much more unhealthy. I think that you need to say "Hearing you say you love me isn''t enough. I need concrete action" but I''m not sure that will accomplish anything more than getting it off your chest.

So, like I said, start by defusing drama wherever you can, which will help with your overal chemical stressors. Take some space. ''Stick it'' to him if you have to by not talking to him about it while you are away, if that''s what it takes for you to relieve some of your anger and resentment, but you need to get out of this spin. It''s taking you to a bad place.

 

[anxiety_stricken]

hi -

thanks so much for your response. i am absolutely torn up inside. so bitter, but trying not to let it get the best of me. i am glad that i have finally put my foot down while traveling because it has shown me that when push comes to shove, he is scared to death of losing me. i was actually just reading through all of the other LIW threads, and even though we''ve said we''ll discuss things when i get home, i''m thinking i should send him an email. just say that i can''t wait forever, that i love him and give him a date of when things should be progressing by - march 2007 in my mind is more than fair. i''ve already got my letter typed up. it is thorough and to the point, but still tender and loving. my issue is that do i hold off on sending it because what if i get home and he already has decided to tell me something i have been waiting to hear - like he''s ready to seriously begin thinking about proposals, etc? i''d feel really badly if i give him an ultimatum having not known that he was already thinking what i wanted him to anyway? but at the same time, what if he''s not? i want him to be aware of my thoughts so that when i get home, we can have a serious discussion. ugh..........

 

[ladykemma]

if your best friend were in this situation what would you be advising her?

 

[Fancy605]

I think you are right to want to wait to send it.

I know it is hard to be calm and collected in this sort of situation, but in your situation it seems to me like the calm/collected you is the you that he needs to see if he is going to give you what you need right now (a commitment for marriage). He has said that marriage is on his mind when you aren''t fighting. You say that you are only fighting because of your lack of confidence recently.

Well, Let me tell you, I have been down a very similar road. I know that we aren''t the same people, but maybe my story can give you some fresh perspecticve: 3 years into our relationship, I wanted to talk about marriage, but he was happy with our situation because we had a fabulous relationship as is. I started freaking out because I wondered what it was about me that wasn''t good enough for him. Then we started having petty arguments because I needed more concrete evidence of his love to hush my own insecurities. The arguments bred doubts about forever in him, and those doubts in turn made me more inseccure. Well, after months of this, I started realizing that by being inseccure with myself, I was becoming a person that I didn''t want to be: mopey, worrysome, always second guessing everything, and worst of all: needy. It was the exact opposite of my normally cheereful, upbeat, silly, optimistic self (the one he loved). I realized that I was letting insecurites turn me into the sort of person that guys avoid. If I were a guy, I wouldn''t have wanted to marry me either at that point. So, I eventually realized I had to start banishing the insecurities because until you believe in your own fabulousness, you won''t shine like you should. Instead of focusing on progressing the relationship, I had to focus on mentally pushing away the insecurities that crept in, and if they got to be too much, I went to my b/f and told him that I proably needed an ungodly amount of validation that day, but I would be over it as soon as possible. He was very understanding. Then, something crazy happened. The second I started really casting off all that negativity and really enjoying just being with him again with no worries about marriage momentum, things started falling into place. We quit arguing over petty things, and suddenly I found him suggesting marriage to me as if it were the most exciting prospect in the world. He''s even commented how different things are now and how glad he is that I''m so seccure and happy now. I think it was killing him that he couldn''t do enough to make me happy.

Now, I know every relationship is different, but I know that if I had been pushy with my guy about marriage, the pushiness coupled with insecurities would have turned him away because it is so the opposite of what he wants ultimately. So, since your guy sees marriage as a possibillity when you aren''t fighting and when the insecurities aren''t there, maybe before you give him your timeline, you should try working on finding a way to feel good about you and remind him how good it is when you are feeling seccure in the relationship. Afterall, a proposal isn''t a bandaid to fix your insecurities--only YOU can mend those. You are right, you probably ARE a CATCH. Girl believe it! Enjoy being your MOST fabulous self for a little while, and I bet that he will be much more susceptable to marriage. Just be careful that you don''t let yourself turn into that girl who lets insecurity change her so much that she can''t even recognize herself. I know waiting is frustrating, but my suggestion to you is to give it a little time. I bet while you''re busy being fabulous, he''ll be busy fallin even more in love with you and remembering what made him love you in the first place.

And maybe that suggestion is way off base, but I thought I''d toss it out there anyway. (and if it down''t work, then maybe it''s time for a timeline)

 

[janinegirly]

hi, first of all i have been where you are. my bf is also v. unemotional and saying ''i love you'' rarely happens. he has difficulty expressing himself etc. Also drags his feet on proposal. So..I don''t want to write a book here, but if you love this guy, you need to accept his emotional style and try to not take it so personally. of course express yourself and tell him how it hurst you, and i''m sure he''ll try to work on it, but it''s hard for people to change. He shows you in other ways how he loves you, etc. As for proposal, it''s been about 3 yrs...it''s not the end of the world. It sounds like he is moving in the right direction but your constant anxiety is now what''s making him back off and creating fights. you could lose this relationship over your anxiety over losing this relationship! i think you need to take a DEEP breath. put things in perspective. then when you''ve calmed down a little, talk things out with him and then compromise. tell him you need him to be more expressive and start moving towards taking things forward SOON. And in return, you willl back off and stop thinking about this 24/7 and constantly pressuring him/being moody over it all. Give him the space to do the right thing. And back off so you both can remember what it was like when things are good. If after 3-6mo''s (whatever you feel comfortable with) nothing changes, then you can walk. But right now you''re too anxiety ridden that you''re going to create the very conclusion you are anxious over.
Anyway, I was in the same boat, and now things are good, and I''m still waiting for a proposal but hoping for it by year end. But day to day life is much better now that I''m not constantly thinkinng and freaking and pressuring my bf. For an unemotional guy, pressuring him will only make him recede into silence and inaction.

 

[anxiety_stricken]

Hi Girls -

Well, after reading your advice I believe I have decided to take the higher road and hold off on sending the ultimatum email. I did however, send a brief message to him stating that I am feeling distress over the marriage issue and I''m not in a place to talk right now. I love him and we''ll talk when I get back, but I need to have a little space right now....... (as suggested by my first thread reply - and thank you for that!!!!)

I hope he understands. I think that I needed to say something like that because he keeps calling and trying to contact me, but really I find myself too angry and sad to talk to him. A discussion when I get home is inevitable at this point. I think he realized it and obviously I need reassurance. I honestly have no idea what to expect. It could go either way. Say some prayers for me.

I do agree that for guys like him who are rather unemotional, it is a bad idea to be overly pushy. It''s just hard because sometimes I worry that I''ll be waiting forever. I guess it''s a constant battle internally telling myself, he''s worth it, you love him, you will not find a better guy, he is it.......vs. you want to have kids, time is ticking, you are worth an immediate proposal and if he doesn''t see that than he''s the one with the problem, etc.......

I guess I just need to be patient. I do need to focus on me. Spend more time with my friends and try to get back to the place I was at - happy, care-free, secure. I tell myself that everyday. Some days are good, others not so-good. Some days I wake up and just feel like crying. It is so hard to sit back and watch everyone around you get engaged and go to million weddings. Totally feeling the "always the bridesmaid, never the bride" at this point. Any suggestions on how to focus on the good instead of the bad??? I hate how the guys always have the upperhand with these types of pivotal decisions (i.e. kids, marriage, etc.). NOT FAIR.

 

[firebirdgold]

May I suggest seeing someone you can talk to about this? Like a counseler? I think you personally should go just for yourself. Because quite frankly, waking up and feeling like crying not such a good sign! It's one thing to tell yourself how great you are, and another to actually believe it without some outside assistance. You're in an emotional hole, and sometimes people need a helping hand to climb out.

Also you should both go see a couples counseler. My mother and father are the same type of people. Mom's emotional and expressive and also very anxious (not that you are). My father is outwardly cold, couldn't show emotions, and responds to everything with logic... kinda sounds like Spock now that I think of it! They fought bitterly for decades before finally going to couples counseling as a last ditch effort. I've never seen them happier, these last few years have been the best of their entire marriage. It's my father who's changed the most.

However I do not think you should do couples counseling quite yet. Get yourself to a stage where you feel a bit better about yourself. I'm not saying perfect, just a little bit better.


I should admit that when I was a LIW I too had massive bouts of insecurity about our relationship and if he was changing his mind despite his assuring me that he really wanted to marry me. But at least mine were partially well-founded, since I'm no marriage prize.

Of course some would say neither is he! (His mother looked veerrry relieved when she met me and saw how serious we were

)

 

[CrownJewel]

You ladies gave such good advice, I don''t think I have anything to add since you covered everything I wanted to say!! I even agree with the therapy...but these Pricescope threads are free therapy!!! We have instant access to hundreds of smart, honest, and constructive comments everyday, every hour. It''s good to start here for therapy, and then if it doesn''t help...

I always want to reach out to anyone who feels depressed in a relationship, especially when it seems like you have such a solid, happy foundation. I don''t want you to feel sick...we can get into the details of how bad cortisol (stress chemical) is SO bad for you in large, sustained amounts, but we won''t. I think Galateia is right in saying that sometimes we fall into a downward spiral, trapped by negativity. I''ve done it many times. It''s scary for many guys to learn all about diamonds and then pick a ring that he prays you will love. When you throw an ultimatum into the mix, some guys probably freeze up and maybe even get upset. This makes you think that he doesn''t have the desire to marry you. And it becomes a destructive cycle. Galateia was right on saying that could try to defuse the drama whenever you start to feel upset (it''s hard, I know!! Sometimes things come out of my mouth when I''m mad and I''m like, "eek! I shouldn''t have said that.") The fact that the topic of engagement causes you to get upset makes it not at all pleasant for him.

I would requote everything that Fancy wrote, but you would all just get annoyed with me She''s brilliant though. "something crazy happened. The second I started really casting off all that negativity and really enjoying just being with him again with no worries about marriage momentum, things started falling into place. We quit arguing over petty things, and suddenly I found him suggesting marriage to me as if it were the most exciting prospect in the world. He''s even commented how different things are now and how glad he is that I''m so seccure and happy now." Same exact story with me and my BF. But that''s just us, and may not apply to you. However, it goes right back to the fact that having a fight over getting engaged does not make anyone feel better. While it may make sense to show him how upset you are at his "feet-dragging", I think he already knows by now. It''s good that he knows!! But now it''s time to try something new. A lot of women I knew when I was single (including my mom) told me that men are like little puppies sometimes. They just want to have fun and if you yell at them, they whimper away. Play with them and they''ll follow you with their tongues sticking out. Maybe you could try the "humor" route? Sometimes I try making him laugh and it works great. It makes both of us feel better. Once you feel better, you may realize once again how much you love just spending time with him (fight-free), engaged or not. And that''s probably when he''ll propose.

And finally, I don''t know all the variables and all the background of your relationship, so I apologize in advance if anything I''ve said doesn''t apply or is out of line.

 

[janinegirly]

anxiety, boy can i relate to a lot of your anxiety and inner strife. you shouldn''t ignore your inner thoughts, but maybe just try to relax and let things be for a little bit (after your talk), but not indefinitely. It is a battle, trying to be patient and also being true to yourself (who should come first afterall). That''s why I suggested an internal deadline..to take things down a notch (in terms of pressure), but then pull the plug if he just stalls and does nothing for several more months. It is hard to focus on the good when so much stuff is in your head (clocks, friends'' voices, insecurities), but my suggestion is to (temporarily) avoid friends who ask the hurtful questions (they don''t mean it, but it makes things worse) like "WHEN will he propose, any ring talk YET"? Or to temporaily avoid all the weddings, engaged friends (the silly ones). I''m not saying shut yourself out, just maybe take a break from all that till you build up yourself in that area of self esteem, because that exposure may otherwise exacerbate the anxiety.
Anyway, this might be all moot--have you talked to you bf? Please let us know how it went....many of us can relate.

 

[anxiety_stricken]

I just firstly want to say thank you SO very much to those of you who are offering suggestions and advice. It makes me feel so much better to vent to women who actually understand my predicament.

After I emailed him the little "I need some space" letter, he still insisted on calling me at my hotel last night. I was already in bed, so I was very quiet. He was soooo chatty and wanted to tell me over and over how much he loves me, but I was silent. He asked, "Are you sleepy?" I said, "yes." He wanted to know when he should call today, I sighed and said, "I already said, I will call you on Tuesday before I head to the airport." He was quiet and said, "What''s wrong? I will call you tomorrow." I just said, "goodnight". After tossing and turning in bed all night, thinking about things, I checked my email first thing this morning and I had a message waiting from him. It said something to the effect of "Why are you acting so strange? I love you to pieces. Can''t imagine my life w/out you. I know you probably miss me and Jade (our doggie), so much. I don''t think we should let what other people do effect how we feel about eachother (I believe he was referring to our friends getting engaged last weekend). We know how much we love one another and that is the bottom line. I can''t wait for you to get home to spend all weekend with you in bed and get cozy and not leave eachothers side" ---------- It was very sweet, but I do believe he is clueless to the severity of it all. I am just biting my tongue until I get home. See what he says. I fly home tomorrow evening and it is a 24 hour flight (Yes, no fun. I am in Asia), so I will keep you posted as I am SURE words and feelings will be exchanged. PLEASE ALL, SAY SOME EXTRA PRAYERS FOR ME TO GIVE THE STRENGTH TO STAY STRONG THROUGH IT ALL. I will try my best to remain composed and unemotional. Surely, not an easy task.

*****FINGERS CROSSED**********

Thanks!!!!!! XOOX

 

[janinegirly]

well it sounds like your bf has no issues with expressing his emotions now!

Best of luck on Tues or whenever it is you are having the conversation. I''m sure you''ll be fine though, you''ve already been so strong and stuck by your guns! I wouldn''t have been able to be so disciplined, but then that may be why I''m still waiting! Safe trip back and may the coming week bring you pleasant surprises, after all the words are exchanged,etc.

 

[ephemery1]

Oh my, he sounds so much like my fiance (then boyfriend) used to sound when I''d get frustrated with this stuff. We had so many friends get engaged before us (some who had been together for less time than us), and every time it just cut right through me... I wanted so badly to be happy for them, but it was just SO HARD not to feel resentful toward my own BF. And I heard from him so many times how much he loved me, that we would get engaged on our own time, that those other people had nothing to do with us... but all that was pretty easy for him to say, when "our time" was really just "his time". I always had that same sense that he just didn''t understand how insanely helpless and upset I felt on the inside. No matter how many times I tried to express it.

Not much more I can say, other than we''re now happily engaged, and I STILL get angry when I think back to that time. There is an enormous unfairness to the whole "guy gets to decide when to propose" thing, and I think in a lot of ways it is an unhealthy way to start a marriage. I still struggle sometimes with how to let go of that.

Good luck to you... please keep us updated!!

 

[anxiety_stricken]

ephemery1 -

can you tell me a little about your situation pre-engagement. definitely sounds similar to mine. how long did you have to wait? what finally made him do it? etc.......???? did you give him an ultimatum??

 

[ephemery1]

AS, my story... it's long, I apologize!!

We had been together for over 2 years when we first started seriously talking about engagement... both in our mid-late 20s. Before that point, we'd had plenty of conversations about "when we're married"... but it was just playful, never any specific timeline attached. But I felt so ready, and there was SO much pressure from my family... that I started anticipating a proposal on every major occasion starting sometime after our 2 year mark (spring 2005)... anniversaries, Christmas, vacations, etc. After about six months it became clear it wasn't happening, so I started ring-shopping on my own for ideas, and letting him know what I liked... even though he didn't want to ring-shop together... he was really into the "surprise" thing. There were a lot of discussions during this time about the timeline (or lack of!) and he would always assure me how much he loved and wanted to marry me, but that he needed to save the money and I shouldn't pressure him. I did understand the money issue, but he had been working steadily in a good job for 5 years at this point, without any real debt, and at times it just felt like an excuse to me.

By the time we passed February (our 3rd anniversary) of this year, it seemed like ALL of our friends were getting engaged, and I was going insane. Then March, then April... every wedding announcement we received felt like a personal insult, and my patience was wearing dangerously thin. I felt unhappy and resentful all the time... hating how horribly out of control I felt over my own future.

I also had a date in mind for a 2007 wedding, and knew we were getting to a point where it wasn't likely we'd be able to book the hotel we wanted for that specific date. I just couldn't figure out what could possibly be taking so long, so it just felt like reluctance/disrespect on his part, which was incredibly hurtful to me.

Then, right before we were set to leave for a friend's destination wedding in May, he told me another couple we were close to had gotten engaged. Which meant it was going to be me and 3 other girls staying together that weekend, everyone happily engaged and planning their weddings except for me... and I had a near breakdown at the thought of it. My BF and I went out to dinner that night and he finally filled me in on everything... the ring-shopping he'd been doing for months (with my best friend!) and the point he was currently at... that he was ready to open the ring-search up to me.

From that moment on, it was completely smooth-sailing... I felt re-empowered and excited and giddy with happiness

... all the things I SHOULD have been feeling all along, but had just dissipated over all those months. We made some contacts about stones in the next month, and within 6 weeks of that dinner conversation, we were engaged.

So no ultimatum really, just a LOT of obvious unhappiness coming from me... and the realization for him that for me, it wasn't so much about the lack of ring... just the lack of control. I NEEDED to know that he and I were on the same page, and making the decision to get married TOGETHER... not just him deciding, and me accepting. If that makes sense. Again, sorry for making this so long... but I didn't want to leave anything out if it might help you at all!

 

[Becky P]

Hey there! Your story sounds very similar to what I just went through with my bf. He was basically unwilling to talk about marriage and the future and I NEEDED to know where things stood. Here''s what worked for me:

My mom said:
- Shut up and listen - let him do the talking and milk him like a cow

- Ask "what" questions, not "why" questions" - "why" questions put people on the defensive and make them feel attacked
- Be calm

What PS''ers said:
- Do NOT let him change the subject by getting all mushy - I needed to get some real answers
- Make a list of what it is that I needed from the conversation so that I could be sure to get those questions answered

So, that''s what worked for me. I wish you the clarity and calmness to ask for what you need. The ability to make him feel safe and secure so that he can be open and honest with you. And, the ability to truly listen to what he is saying. Good luck tomorrow! Let us know how it goes!

 

[aljdewey]

Date: 10/23/2006 10:40:45 AM
Author: anxiety_stricken

After tossing and turning in bed all night, thinking about things, I checked my email first thing this morning and I had a message waiting from him. It said something to the effect of ''Why are you acting so strange? I love you to pieces. Can''t imagine my life w/out you. I know you probably miss me and Jade (our doggie), so much. I don''t think we should let what other people do effect how we feel about eachother (I believe he was referring to our friends getting engaged last weekend). We know how much we love one another and that is the bottom line. I can''t wait for you to get home to spend all weekend with you in bed and get cozy and not leave eachothers side'' ---------- It was very sweet, but I do believe he is clueless to the severity of it all. I am just biting my tongue until I get home. See what he says. I fly home tomorrow evening and it is a 24 hour flight (Yes, no fun. I am in Asia), so I will keep you posted as I am SURE words and feelings will be exchanged. PLEASE ALL, SAY SOME EXTRA PRAYERS FOR ME TO GIVE THE STRENGTH TO STAY STRONG THROUGH IT ALL. I will try my best to remain composed and unemotional. Surely, not an easy task.

*****FINGERS CROSSED**********

Thanks!!!!!! XOOX

I think he''s missing something.

He thinks this is about other people getting engaged upsetting you. That''s not it. It''s that YOU want to become engaged and married, and that''s not happening. It''s not that you''re missing out on something everyone else is getting; it''s more that you''re missing out on something that YOU want, that''s important to you.

He''s wrong about the bottom line. The bottom line isn''t "we know how much we love each other". The bottom line is that you want marriage, and he doesn''t seem to be on the same page.

If he cannot imagine his life without you, then he should put action behind the words.

I don''t think this is about an ultimatum, per se. I DO think it''s about being specific on what your wants/needs are. I think you need to have a CALM, NON-BITTER, reasoned conversation with him that covers this:

"I want more than just a relationship. I want marriage as a part of my life. I want to spend my life with someone, and I know that you are that person for me. What I don''t know is if you want the same thing. Do you want marriage? Do you want it with ME? If you don''t want the same thing, I need to know that. If you do want it, why isn''t it happening? I want you to really think about what you want in the next six months, and then we should come to a decision together about our future. I think by then we should know if we''re going to take the next step together or if it''s time to make changes."

Good luck.

 

[Mara]

as usual i agree with alj on how you really need to try to reign in your emotions to be able to have a calm and rational conversation with him about what is happening. it sounds like both of you are just freaking out right now, he''s freaking that you are pulling away, and you are freaking that no progress is being made and yes it''s a downward spiral and he is probably trying to mentally figure out how to fix things in a typical guy way...haha.

but the other thing i wanted to say was that the men only have power over you ladies if you give them that power. you are in charge of your life! your destiny!!! no one else! you may think you cannot live without him but you CAN. i think that part of being in a healthy relationship is *knowing* that so you do not wake up in the morning wanting to cry because things aren''t where you want them to be.

it drives me nuts when i see ladies saying ''i hate when the men have all the power''...because they only have it when you give it to them. there are plenty of women who don''t give their men that power and live very happy lives with them. no one should control your destiny. to me there''s a balance and there''s concessions that can be made but when you are practically shriveling away because he is not meeting your needs, that is a real issue.

 

[FacetFire]

Date: 10/25/2006 12:36:17 AM
Author: Mara
as usual i agree with alj on how you really need to try to reign in your emotions to be able to have a calm and rational conversation with him about what is happening. it sounds like both of you are just freaking out right now, he's freaking that you are pulling away, and you are freaking that no progress is being made and yes it's a downward spiral and he is probably trying to mentally figure out how to fix things in a typical guy way...haha.

but the other thing i wanted to say was that the men only have power over you ladies if you give them that power. you are in charge of your life! your destiny!!! no one else! you may think you cannot live without him but you CAN. i think that part of being in a healthy relationship is *knowing* that so you do not wake up in the morning wanting to cry because things aren't where you want them to be.

it drives me nuts when i see ladies saying 'i hate when the men have all the power'...because they only have it when you give it to them. there are plenty of women who don't give their men that power and live very happy lives with them. no one should control your destiny. to me there's a balance and there's concessions that can be made but when you are practically shriveling away because he is not meeting your needs, that is a real issue.

Very well put, Mara!

I think a lot of us went through a time where we started screwing up the relationship and forcing the man to back away because of our anxious behavior about engagement. Eventually, I told myself that it didn't matter when we got engaged, just so long as it happened within a reasonable amount of time. We had been together a year and a half. What did it really matter if it took till 3 yrs? Or 4 yrs? Was I going to run right out and find the next guy and settle down within that time period? No. Once you come to peace with the idea that it will happen in it's own time, you will be free to take back your own life...and that will make him respect you more and want to be with you more! Hang in there, and good luck with your talk.

 

[janinegirly]

anxiety, hope your trip back wasn''t toooo draining. hope things are better now, give us an update when you pop back in!

 

[Julian]

I agree with Mara. You ladies do have all the power: the power of choice.

Human relationships can be so tough. In some cases, the man doesn''t "get it" until she''s gone. In most cases, they do but it takes a little finesse. In other rare cases, they never get it... or maybe he''s making a choice not to move forward.

Everything is a choice. You are making a choice now. In some way, your brain & your heart are doing the math. And by staying, you''re deciding that the sum total of heartache, impatience & etc. is worth paying...Because you love him. If it got too painful, you would leave... to save yourself. Because YOU matter. Remember you?

That smart, beautiful woman with so much potential?

There are lots of times we do this (in life) and look back thinking, "Why did I pay so much for that?" or "Was I blind? I totally lost sight of myself and my personal power in that relationship!" Emotions can cloud so many things... including the truth. I believe many of us know the truth, but are either too scared to accept it or just not ready to see it.

Either way, you are always in control. You are maybe powerless to change his mind or make him see... but no one can control free will! That''s the beauty of relationships. We are all different and complex & when we love and move together... it''s a small miracle. Love & marriage aren''t every day things. It takes a lot of special checks and balances for that thing to light up.

Kind of like launching a space shuttle! All systems go once all these complex checks are in place. Ya know?
It''s a miracle to love someone and be loved. Then it''s another miracle to become one. And then to build something that will last forever. It''s not an every day thing! It''s an incredible gift!

I have so much faith in these ladies. After all, women are inherently amazing. It''s just that sometimes we are so used to sacrificing our own happiness for others, we forget about ourselves. My brother told me it''s like lying in a vat of acid and complaining that it burns. "Just get out of the tub of acid! Geez!" is what he said to me once.

Funny how everyone else can see these things because they''re on the outside. Smug brothers are the worst! Ha ha.

(((hugs to you)))